Difficult Relationship with Parents
-
sakura_2009:
Poor you. You must have felt really hurt :snuggles:mummy of 2:
And my mother is really calculating when it comes to $. She does not understand that there are more impt things in life.
Haha! Seems that we have another similarity here when it comes to the character of our mum.
When I was in Sec 1 (yearsssss ago), I worked as a sales assistant in one of the departmental store during the Jun hols to earn some pocket $$. Well, it was my first time working as a student and I was a real blur queen then...when I eventually got my pay (in cash in an envelope - yar, during that time, that's how salary was paid out to part-timers or students), I can still remember how happy I was. I thought I put my 'pay packet' in my bag but when I went home - to my horror, I realised that it was GONE!! I have no idea why it was not there in my bag anymore etc but that's besides the point. The first thing my mum asked when I came home was where is the $$ (I told her I'm getting my salary that day) and I have to tell her that I actually lost it.
Well, of course she did't believed me. She started scolding me, accusing me of lying to her, and being unfilial because I kept the $$ myself instead of giving it to her, which should be the 'right' thing to do etc. I remember crying my heart out that time because firstly, I had lost my 'hard-earned' $$ and secondly, my mum is screaming her head out at me because she thought I refused to hand out my pay...She continued ranting until my brother came out of his room and SHOUTED at her to STOP shouting. He scolded my mother for being so 'money minded' before getting out of the house, slamming the door behind him...
Sorry for the long story but that episode left a huge -ve impression on me. It has been ages since this happen but till today, I can't still get rid of it...
I have an incident to share too. I was an undergrad then. It was near CNY and my mother came to nag me about cutting my hair. I was still asleep when I came into my room, and I just told her \"no need\", as I did not want to go to salon and wait for ages just to getmy hair cut before CNY. She thought it's becasue I did not want to pay more for the haircut (since the salon charges more when it's near CNY), so she put some money on my table and told me to go and cut my hair. I went back to sleep after this.
Then I heard her talking on the phone (to my sis or some other relative) that I'm such a miser, don't want to pay more for haircut. She has to pay for me!
She's the one who insisted that I get a haircut, and gave me the money. I did not ask her for it. And I was still a student then. To think that she would go and complain about this to someone else. -
sakura_2009:
Unfortunately, my SIL capitalized on my bro's passive character and instigated both him and the kids agst mom.
When my brother left the house with my SIL many years back because of my mum, he was the one who completely cut ties with her...he only started communicating with her a few years later (probably after much pushing from my SIL)...My SIL is the 'meek' typed, my brother is the 'silent type' (he doesn't talk much but once he blew off his top, that's it), and my mum - the ultra 'confrontational' type ... :!:
Haiz, it take 2 hands to clap lah .... for my family's case that is. -
Blobbi:
Wow. I hate to pour my feelings out. But I'm in the same camp with you you two, mummy of 2 and autumnbronze. Can't make myself say more but it's been bad ...
To be honest Blobbi,
I am surprised (and I can't use the word pleasantly, cuz I know its not appropriate, but I do believe you know what I mean really) at the response to this thread.
This issue, I feel, is kind of taboo ... I mean who likes to talk abt their family right?? But hey, if it makes us feel better and lighter, then why not ...
And anyway, its a platform for us to share and learn and inspire and encourage us to move forward as well ......
Who knew the few of us would have had/are having similar experiences with regards to our r/s with our mom/family - its uncanny
-
sakura_2009:
sakura_2009,
Well, of course she did't believed me. She started scolding me, accusing me of lying to her, and being unfilial because I kept the $$ myself instead of giving it to her, which should be the 'right' thing to do etc. I remember crying my heart out that time because firstly, I had lost my 'hard-earned' $$ and secondly, my mum is screaming her head out at me because she thought I refused to hand out my pay...She continued ranting until my brother came out of his room and SHOUTED at her to STOP shouting. He scolded my mother for being so 'money minded' before getting out of the house, slamming the door behind him...
:hugs: to you -
I feel so sad reading about all you guys have written about your mums.
And to a large extent, DH’s relationship with his mother is similar to some of the things you guys have written here. At 1 point he refuses to go home to visit and even refuse to give his parents any allowance as he was still bearing a grudge against them for stuff that they have done during his growing up years.
Told him not to carry that grudge for too long and if he look at it in totality, even if his parents did not live up to his ideals of what a parent should be, they have done what is their level best given whatever their circumstances were and what their characters are like. At the very least, he has a roof over his head and 3 meals when he was still unable to do that for himself and they saw him through his secondary education. And though they did not pay for his tertiary education, at least they did not force him to drop that to work to support the family.
It is heartening though to read that most of you understand that it is not that they do not love their children but they have their limitations. -
lovekidsverymuch:
That is why I mentioned this is a platform for sharing and learning from one another.autumnbronze:
This issue, I feel, is kind of taboo ... I mean who likes to talk abt their family right?? But hey, if it makes us feel better and lighter, then why not ...
I agree with you autumnbronze.... its really a taboo if we kinda say our own parents who actually brought us up are no good
But then taking it out also gives ur heart little happiness that u r not alone and maybe making it little lighter
Also, I mean if parents did not fulfill their role as a parent, for whatever reasons, whether valid or not, then it should be acknowledged and accepted by the offspring. I think what that we have to bear in mind is that we shd not repeat what the parents have done, but rather, transcend that vortex of being caught in a vicious cycle, and instead, try to give our kids our love ... to the best of our ability.
To be honest, from what I have read from the postings of some of the mummies here, it does seem that they have transcended this lure of being caught .... in the vicious cycle that is, ... so really KUDOS to them.
(errrrmmmmm, kudos to me too okie
)
-
Funz:
It is heartening though to read that most of you understand that it is not that they do not love their children but they have their limitations.
Being able to understand it does not erase the hurt but it does help us to move forward and not dwell too much on the unhappy past. The silver lining is that I'm very aware of the kind of family environment and relationship I do not want for my kids. That motivates me to do things differently from my mother. I do not want to make the same mistakes as her.
She may not equiped to provide a conducive environment for us to grow up in, but i have no excuse. She is not educated and does not know any better. I'm not! -
Guess we all have our family secrets and little \"skeletons in closet\". This is a sensitive topic and whatever hurts and emotional baggage we have from our past, guess it is important not to do the same on our children as they are our future.
I think for most of us, we have a \"love-hate\" relationship with our parents. I don't mean \"hate\" as in a malicious or vindictive sense, but \"hate\" as in the hurt and disappointments which have made us sad and frustrated.
So, all I can express is this...
most times, I feel :love: :love: :hugs: because I am grateful and appreciative for what they have given and done for me.
But there are other times, I feel so
:roll: 
:x :stupid: :rant: :frustrated:
Can't win them all. They are still my parents and I love them dearly.
-
mummy of 2:
:goodpost:
Being able to understand it does not erase the hurt but it does help us to move forward and not dwell too much on the unhappy past. The silver lining is that I'm very aware of the kind of family environment and relationship I do not want for my kids. That motivates me to do things differently from my mother. I do not want to make the same mistakes as her.
-
mummy of 2:
TOTALLY AGREE :celebrate:Funz:
It is heartening though to read that most of you understand that it is not that they do not love their children but they have their limitations.
Being able to understand it does not erase the hurt but it does help us to move forward and not dwell too much on the unhappy past. The silver lining is that I'm very aware of the kind of family environment and relationship I do not want for my kids. That motivates me to do things differently from my mother. I do not want to make the same mistakes as her.
She may not equiped to provide a conducive environment for us to grow up in, but i have no excuse. She is not educated and does not know any better. I'm not!
Hello! It looks like you're interested in this conversation, but you don't have an account yet.
Getting fed up of having to scroll through the same posts each visit? When you register for an account, you'll always come back to exactly where you were before, and choose to be notified of new replies (either via email, or push notification). You'll also be able to save bookmarks and upvote posts to show your appreciation to other community members.
With your input, this post could be even better 💗
Register Login