Difficult Relationship with Parents
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sakura_2009:
sakura_2009,
Well, of course she did't believed me. She started scolding me, accusing me of lying to her, and being unfilial because I kept the $$ myself instead of giving it to her, which should be the 'right' thing to do etc. I remember crying my heart out that time because firstly, I had lost my 'hard-earned' $$ and secondly, my mum is screaming her head out at me because she thought I refused to hand out my pay...She continued ranting until my brother came out of his room and SHOUTED at her to STOP shouting. He scolded my mother for being so 'money minded' before getting out of the house, slamming the door behind him...
:hugs: to you -
I feel so sad reading about all you guys have written about your mums.
And to a large extent, DH’s relationship with his mother is similar to some of the things you guys have written here. At 1 point he refuses to go home to visit and even refuse to give his parents any allowance as he was still bearing a grudge against them for stuff that they have done during his growing up years.
Told him not to carry that grudge for too long and if he look at it in totality, even if his parents did not live up to his ideals of what a parent should be, they have done what is their level best given whatever their circumstances were and what their characters are like. At the very least, he has a roof over his head and 3 meals when he was still unable to do that for himself and they saw him through his secondary education. And though they did not pay for his tertiary education, at least they did not force him to drop that to work to support the family.
It is heartening though to read that most of you understand that it is not that they do not love their children but they have their limitations. -
lovekidsverymuch:
That is why I mentioned this is a platform for sharing and learning from one another.autumnbronze:
This issue, I feel, is kind of taboo ... I mean who likes to talk abt their family right?? But hey, if it makes us feel better and lighter, then why not ...
I agree with you autumnbronze.... its really a taboo if we kinda say our own parents who actually brought us up are no good
But then taking it out also gives ur heart little happiness that u r not alone and maybe making it little lighter
Also, I mean if parents did not fulfill their role as a parent, for whatever reasons, whether valid or not, then it should be acknowledged and accepted by the offspring. I think what that we have to bear in mind is that we shd not repeat what the parents have done, but rather, transcend that vortex of being caught in a vicious cycle, and instead, try to give our kids our love ... to the best of our ability.
To be honest, from what I have read from the postings of some of the mummies here, it does seem that they have transcended this lure of being caught .... in the vicious cycle that is, ... so really KUDOS to them.
(errrrmmmmm, kudos to me too okie
)
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Funz:
It is heartening though to read that most of you understand that it is not that they do not love their children but they have their limitations.
Being able to understand it does not erase the hurt but it does help us to move forward and not dwell too much on the unhappy past. The silver lining is that I'm very aware of the kind of family environment and relationship I do not want for my kids. That motivates me to do things differently from my mother. I do not want to make the same mistakes as her.
She may not equiped to provide a conducive environment for us to grow up in, but i have no excuse. She is not educated and does not know any better. I'm not! -
Guess we all have our family secrets and little \"skeletons in closet\". This is a sensitive topic and whatever hurts and emotional baggage we have from our past, guess it is important not to do the same on our children as they are our future.
I think for most of us, we have a \"love-hate\" relationship with our parents. I don't mean \"hate\" as in a malicious or vindictive sense, but \"hate\" as in the hurt and disappointments which have made us sad and frustrated.
So, all I can express is this...
most times, I feel :love: :love: :hugs: because I am grateful and appreciative for what they have given and done for me.
But there are other times, I feel so
:roll: 
:x :stupid: :rant: :frustrated:
Can't win them all. They are still my parents and I love them dearly.
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mummy of 2:
:goodpost:
Being able to understand it does not erase the hurt but it does help us to move forward and not dwell too much on the unhappy past. The silver lining is that I'm very aware of the kind of family environment and relationship I do not want for my kids. That motivates me to do things differently from my mother. I do not want to make the same mistakes as her.
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mummy of 2:
TOTALLY AGREE :celebrate:Funz:
It is heartening though to read that most of you understand that it is not that they do not love their children but they have their limitations.
Being able to understand it does not erase the hurt but it does help us to move forward and not dwell too much on the unhappy past. The silver lining is that I'm very aware of the kind of family environment and relationship I do not want for my kids. That motivates me to do things differently from my mother. I do not want to make the same mistakes as her.
She may not equiped to provide a conducive environment for us to grow up in, but i have no excuse. She is not educated and does not know any better. I'm not! -
autumnbronze:
Actually, I think it's not uncommon... i think I saw library books about this before, about daughters who have difficult relationships with mothers who are manipulative, insecure etc etc... but those were written from a more ang-moh point of view.Blobbi:
Wow. I hate to pour my feelings out. But I'm in the same camp with you you two, mummy of 2 and autumnbronze. Can't make myself say more but it's been bad ...
To be honest Blobbi,
I am surprised (and I can't use the word pleasantly, cuz I know its not appropriate, but I do believe you know what I mean really) at the response to this thread.
This issue, I feel, is kind of taboo ... I mean who likes to talk abt their family right?? But hey, if it makes us feel better and lighter, then why not ...
And anyway, its a platform for us to share and learn and inspire and encourage us to move forward as well ......
Who knew the few of us would have had/are having similar experiences with regards to our r/s with our mom/family - its uncanny
It's just that people seldom talk about it, even more so in the asian context.
I think there are actually quite a lot of western children (UK, US) who don't get along with their parents, so just as well that in their culture at the age of 18 they are not expected to stay at home anymore.
Guess like what everyone has said, the impt thing is not to let this make us bitter, but to work hard at not repeating their mistakes. -
mummy of 2:
The strange thing abt my mum is that she's educated. English - Ed till sec 4 which was quite good already in those days. She had to stop studying to work to support her siblings (and she is not shy at reminding the younger ones abt that at any opportunity).
She may not equiped to provide a conducive environment for us to grow up in, but i have no excuse. She is not educated and does not know any better. I'm not!
I would say she did provide a conducive environment for me to grow in, but due to insecurity and maybe cos she became very insular from being sahm, these days we just can't see eye to eye, and she likes to accuse everyone of things they didn't do. Her distrust and suspicion really gets to me. -
There should be another option to vote : NONE of the above.
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