All About Autism
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Autumnleaf:
I have an Aspie daughter (now 18yo), and I know what you are going through now. Yes, it's good to know that you aren't imagining things, but getting a report doesn't change anything. You still have to deal with the day to day stuff, and it actually increases the parents' \"work\" because you can't just blame it on disobedience.It sounds crazy and foolish, but I hope something is picked up. Just so tired of being worked up over my DS compulsive behavior and caning him almost every other day till his back side tough like leather liao!
Feel bad and worried for him, also wish to understand him more.
One thing that really helped me was to see things from their eyes too. Try googling for information (there's a lot online) or reading books. There's much more info there than there will be in any report, and the psychologist can't spend that much time explaining things to you either. If you can do that, then it's easier to think of ways to remediate, and even when you get fed up, you know it's not defiance or disobedience.
What sort of compulsive behaviours does your son show? It may be more effective to find ways to distract, limit or teach alternative (more acceptable) behaviours rather than caning. Caning just shows your disapproval, but doesn't necessarily teach him to behave in another way. -
Like tyeogh, I started to cane my son when he was 1. He was in his own world and only through pain could he understand what could or could not be done.
As he grew and started to understand the world around him, caning does not seem to be useful in bringing out of his world. Once in a while when I pinch his cheek when he is really naughty, he will ask me why I have to hit him. It also gives him the wrong signal that it is okay for him to hit other children when they are naughty. I also worry that he will think that it is acceptable if other adults hit him.
The truth is only with love and patience can we bring out their true self. Since I was a child, I was hit by my mum who also has 4 children.Yes, we learn to be good and we are filial to them now but as a child, I always hoped to be born in another family. -
Guess for me and Hb we dun wish to cane so often… But we strongly believe if the child is defiant or disobedient, then must cane and also explain to them why mitigate such discipline. We remind our children that its because we love them that we bother to correct.
But problem is I find my ds1 is compulsive in such ways; he’d take apart pens and mechanical pens after I have talked to him abt how he is wasting money when he breaks these perfectly good stationery. Such instances can repeat months at a go, despite talking, explaining, chances, caning… This is only one example. More recently, he’s doing hw then while I nurse baby in the room and told DS to finish his work…but once I came out, DS was playing despite not finishing his school hw while his 6 yr old sister is able to carry out her task and finish her k2 hw before playing. That day DS was reprimanded and caned, but the very next day it happens again. So he is a kid who gets caned quite a lot… Though I wish not to I dont know how else to correct him as we have tried incentives, talking, encouraging even giving chances but often he the whole cycle repeats. -
Autumnleaf:
But problem is I find my ds1 is compulsive in such ways; he'd take apart pens and mechanical pens after I have talked to him abt how he is wasting money when he breaks these perfectly good stationery. Such instances can repeat months at a go, despite talking, explaining, chances, caning... This is only one example. More recently, he's doing hw then while I nurse baby in the room and told DS to finish his work...but once I came out, DS was playing despite not finishing his school hw while his 6 yr old sister is able to carry out her task and finish her k2 hw before playing. That day DS was reprimanded and caned, but the very next day it happens again. So he is a kid who gets caned quite a lot.... Though I wish not to I dont know how else to correct him as we have tried incentives, talking, encouraging even giving chances but often he the whole cycle repeats.
For the taking things apart - can you find him mechanical toys/activity sets which are for taking apart and putting together? Or old stuff (clocks, electronic gadgets etc) that he can take apart, and then tell him to leave the good stuff alone? It is wasteful if he breaks good stuff, but the skills he is learning will come in useful in later life. Sounds like he may make a good engineer!
About the homework - my older girl was exactly like that. For some kids, it takes them more effort to manage time, pay attention etc, and you may need to accept that he needs much more training before he can work without supervision. My older girl had to be accompanied to do her work through P1 on a daily basis until she managed to build up the habit of doing it step by step and not being too easily distracted. If your kid is Aspie like mine, how I read it is that parental disapproval/anger doesn't make that much impact as they don't really care about pleasing you. They are scared when you scold, but they forget quickly. And because my daughter (and probably your son too) has difficulty with \"executive function\", it just takes more effort to teach them discipline and planning than NT kids. It's hard on you with 3 kids, but if you can find a way to supervise him and teach him how to manage his time, it will help. I actually had a student to come daily to do homework with my daughter for 1 semester! Giving him a quiet place to work without distractions from siblings, no toys etc in sight, frequent short breaks, may help too. Hope this helps. -
I'm one of those mummies who doesn't agree with caning simply because I couldn't bring myself to
when my son was diagnosed with 'suspected asd' for the first time by the psychologist, i asked her whether i should cane/beat to make him comply because anything i said, he seemed 'deaf' & simply ZERO compliance (I was lost as what to do with him, nobody in my family or extended family has a special need kid). the psychologist told me that she doesn't condone beating/caning simply because \"you can't hit a person for wearing spectacles because he/she is near/far sighted.\"
the last sentence she said is the reason i refrain myself even until this day not to hit/beat him when he's having tantrum. thank God, now after 10 months (and almost $80k poorer :censored: ) of intensive ABA 25 hours a week, his compliance is there. He's responding to his name, understood simple instructions & whenever he doesn't comply I will voice out a stern negative tone voice and it gets to him. He understood I wasn't happy with whatever he's doing.
It's been 13 months & still long long long way journey ahead of us, but the 3 things I need to learn coping with kid with asd is patience, patience & patience. Easier said than done though :oops: -
Agree definitely need a lot of patience. Guess because my son hadn’t been diagnosed yet so intend to see it as him being disobedient… But then there’s that small voice in me that wonders is it due to Adhd or ASD… Or some condition that caused him to require so much more supervision, guidance and correction then other kids? On the whole he i know he is compliant, as in he will do what is requested of him… But to stay on task independently, even at almost 10 yrs old is really difficult. Or to stop his compulsions to act before thinking is challenging. I do wonder if we didn’t cane, would he be any worse and often question am
I doing things right…
More damaging are the things I have said out of anger. It’s even worse then the caning…
I tear each time I think of it… -
Autumnleaf:
I empathise with you. If you need a diagnosis to confirm what you believe, then try to get one. For myself, I self-diagnosed my child in the early years (around 7yo) because I read up a lot and it seemed unmistakeable, and we worked with her on that assumption over the years. When we finally brought her for a formal diagnosis at 14yo, what I had long-suspected was confirmed.Agree definitely need a lot of patience. Guess because my son hadn't been diagnosed yet so intend to see it as him being disobedient... But then there's that small voice in me that wonders is it due to Adhd or ASD... Or some condition that caused him to require so much more supervision, guidance and correction then other kids? On the whole he i know he is compliant, as in he will do what is requested of him... But to stay on task independently, even at almost 10 yrs old is really difficult. Or to stop his compulsions to act before thinking is challenging. I do wonder if we didn't cane, would he be any worse and often question am
I doing things right...
More damaging are the things I have said out of anger. It's even worse then the caning...
I tear each time I think of it...
As I said previously, your kid sounds like mine - poor executive function and easily distracted. We scolded a lot initially and it didn't work as it was negative - telling her what we didn't want her to do. What did work was positive instruction - showing what we wanted her to do, and doing it with her until it became a habit and she could do it herself. She is still weaker in those areas than her younger sister, and always will be, but is much better than before. We have accepted it as a weakness that is inborn. I used to remind myself: would I expect a one-legged child to sprint 100m as fast as those with 2 legs? Her disabilities are no less real, just not physical. -
Waa…what have we here?
Caning is always going to be controversial. Every parent should do what works best for her child. I wrote to assure Autumnleaf.
For me, my bible recommends it. My ex-PM recommends it. There is some wisdom in it. So I adopt it.
Heres what happened to my aspie boy 2 weeks ago. He eats unpolished rice (brown) and for years refused to eat white rice. One day before we went cycling, I told him we are eating dinner outside and I can’t find brown rice. He has to agree to eat white rice else we are not going. He agreed unwillingly.
After cycling, we went to eat chicken rice. I was hoping the dark sauce will convince him it is brown rice. He refused to eat. I reminded him of his agreement and threatened to cane him. Then he said he will eat. But when my helper tried to feed him, he refused. I haggled with him back and forth a few times. I made sure he understood my instructions and the consequences. Then I went in for the "kill".
I carried him to the car with him screaming, kicking and shouting "I don’t want caning!!". Half the restaurant patrons glared at me like I am some child abuser. In the car, I gave him 15 of my best. My wife supported me. In the end, he ate white rice.
The next few days he asked for his brown rice. I refused and waved the cane at him. He gave in and ate white rice. One week later, he never asked for brown rice. Said "white rice nice!".
The thing is this. With a special child, I am very careful to size up the situation. Can he be corrected? Will he learn anything?
Was it compulsive behaviour that night? Probably. Was caning warranted. Yes, imho.
Suppose I did not stand my ground, he will be on brown rice till P1 and crash at school. The caning augmented his habit in one week what might take years to persuade him to do. There was learning. The child benefited. I took a chance and was rewarded.
I can’t recall a strictly compulsive behaviour situation like a meltdown because he didn’t have one for some time. He does whine and tantrums mildly nowadays. When he does, I wave the cane at him and he stops. I probably corrected his meltdown with the cane back at a time he understood pain.
Caning does not mean "I do not love him" or I "did not try my best to be patient" as some parents mentioned. 99% of the time, I do not do it out of anger or frustration. Rather, it was an opportunity to correct.
I can understand the "caning a short sighted boy" analogy. What I question is a child scuttling between normal and short sight, and out of habit, lean towards depending on his spectacles unwittingly.
My personal experience is that a meltdown is more of a habit than a disorder. When unchecked at an early age becomes uncontrollable at a later age. Isn’t this the concept of early intervention? I tell my wife he cannot win me. If he does, he is done for. I lost my use as his father. Its just my opinion and may not apply to all, so please don’t shoot me, hor.
Needless to say, I will never be able to correct the inability to socialize with a cane lah. (Hmmmm…?)
What I am saying is not all situation is an obvious "short sighted" case. I will be lacking on my part to just assume they are.
It is more of a father’s job to cane. Women being more emotional think it is harsh. Or if they hit, its like a tap. I can understand it. My wife complained I hit too hard that night. Most here are women so I do not expect you to agree with my methods. Like I wrote earlier, you should do what works for your child. I cane when I thought needed, got my results and I am happy. -
Autumnleaf:
The first time I really whacked my kids, not tap lightly, I went to a corner to cry. Me who was caned heavily, detest it and now I advocate it. I asked the good Lord why are we created such and why his bible has no other solutions like talk nicely to them.
More damaging are the things I have said out of anger. It's even worse then the caning...
I tear each time I think of it...
After 4 kids, I sort of understand the reason. Try not to think of it as cruel. Cruel is when you pass up an opportunity to teach. Thats cruelty. And it will hit you back years later when he becomes a man. Boys are created tougher, more pugnacious. Ask your hubby (Or just look at him to understand why. Haha!). Girls are easier to handle.
You are a good parent when you take effort to correct your child. That mom that spends all her time playing mahjong, thats a bad mom. -
Hi
For high Functioning ASD child is it true that the child will not have language delayed?
Anyone went thru the ASD tests what are the names of the tests? Is it a universal standard tests or are there diferent types of ASD tests?
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