All About Parenting Teenagers
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TravelMummy:
Thank you, Simkhoo, HappyBlueBear. I will google this lady, Claire, and recommend the parents see her with the girl. Everyone they have spoken to has a different opinion and all these changes are really hard to implement as behaviours have become a habit over time. Sibling behavior is hard to correct cos they are all young and they just revel in hurting each other. The more inferior the girl feels, the more she relies on brute strength to subdue her siblings. The more she does that, the more they taunt her. Plus both parents are working so they spend time with an indifferent maid. You should see some of the bruises they inflict on each other. Haiz...now both parents are in denial blaming each other for not doing more.
This sounds really sad. It really has to begin with the parents. They have to set the tone for the family, and they have to be determined to change the destructive patterns in the family. Even if this lady is not free to see them, encourage them to find some other counsellor who can asap. The longer this goes on, the more entrenched it will get. I really feel for the girl - my older girl is also not an academic one, with the 'misfortune' of have parents and younger sister who have always done well academically. It's been one of our challenges not to make academic success the main way we measure success in the family, and not to let the younger one feel superior just because she is on the other end of the spectrum academically (and in many other ways too). It is tough to watch what we do and say all the time, and change our perspectives on what success means, but it can be done. I hope the parents will listen to your advice. All the best. -
Thank you all, for your advice and help. I will press on and do what i can and pray hard that things will work out for her in the end. Her case is heartbreaking to watch. Those poor slashed arms are just so wrong. Thanks for all your sharing again.
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I need help. My son changed a lot this year when he started his Sec 2.
He goes for branded shoes, clothings, dedorant etc. I only bought some of the things for him and told him it’s considered as birthday gift and he needs to take care and use till Sec 4.
He agreed. However, his promise is just say say only and it became lies and lies. He would tell me he is going out with friends to study. I doubt that but can’t really check on him as I’m working. I also worried if I stopped him from going out with friends, the more he would not tell me anything.
I found out that he also had been taking money from my bag without asking. When I asked him, he denied without changing colour. He claimed he didn’t have enough money to spend and he likes to eat. However, the amount of pocket money is based on his own request and it’s agreed upon that he could keep the extra if he did not spend all. So, apparently the money is not enough as he likes to go out with friends and spend without control and management.
He is always on the phone watching either the Japanese comics or the commentary on the game. He told me not to interfere with his school and he would show me good result. However, the result is no good, yet he would compare with those that are not doing well and claimed that he is good.
This year is streaming and I’m worried. But it’s too late as tomorrow would be the last paper. Other than his result, I’m not worried about his character, telling lies, stealing, going for branded etc etc.
I’m at a lost of what to do. If parents have any similar encounter, please advise. Thanks a lot! -
abc8xyz:
let the father settle the stealing part make sure he enforce the importance of honesty, academics also tell him the importance of Os lor, and the branded stuff must be the group of friends he is mixing with, dont stop or prevent him from going or mixing with his group of friends NEVER do that he will only hate you more. may be you should increase the pocket money abit and ask him to do chores at home and let him earn a little more money from doing the chores, tho you should let the chores be optional also. anws im sec 4 this yr and know all about the branded items obsession and guilty as i am i have stolen in pri 4 b4 and got wacked. never done it after and treat and talk to your boy nicely and tell him nicely also if he is being rude back. lead by example and not forceI need help. My son changed a lot this year when he started his Sec 2.
He goes for branded shoes, clothings, dedorant etc. I only bought some of the things for him and told him it's considered as birthday gift and he needs to take care and use till Sec 4.
He agreed. However, his promise is just say say only and it became lies and lies. He would tell me he is going out with friends to study. I doubt that but can't really check on him as I'm working. I also worried if I stopped him from going out with friends, the more he would not tell me anything.
I found out that he also had been taking money from my bag without asking. When I asked him, he denied without changing colour. He claimed he didn't have enough money to spend and he likes to eat. However, the amount of pocket money is based on his own request and it's agreed upon that he could keep the extra if he did not spend all. So, apparently the money is not enough as he likes to go out with friends and spend without control and management.
He is always on the phone watching either the Japanese comics or the commentary on the game. He told me not to interfere with his school and he would show me good result. However, the result is no good, yet he would compare with those that are not doing well and claimed that he is good.
This year is streaming and I'm worried. But it's too late as tomorrow would be the last paper. Other than his result, I'm not worried about his character, telling lies, stealing, going for branded etc etc.
I'm at a lost of what to do. If parents have any similar encounter, please advise. Thanks a lot! -
parents need to communicate with teenager
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Your son is growing up and become more aware of his self image. Hence he thinks that those external items that he carry will give him the confidence and the popularity among his friends. Could be the influence of his friends but never assume this. Communicate to find out more.
Yes you are right, you cannot stop him from going out with his friends. Teenager values friends a lot. And friends are considering their most important asset. Recognition from his friends is more important than family at this stage of his life. However, you can understand more like who he goes out with and what they like to do during their hang out. Be interested in his life.
In order to get what he wants, he will make many promises. He might or might not be able to fulfill but by promising you, he gets what he wants before he shows result. He thinks that having all these are more important and end up stealing to get what he wants. And teenagers know how to manipulate parents in exchange for what they want.
Now is the time to understand why and what is causing him to be interested in getting the branded goods and so on. Teaching him values at this time is what you can do. Teaching him about character and other areas at the same time. Be firm about expectations which you set with him. If you find that he is really stealing from you, you need to instill discipline even when he denies it. As long as you have prove and be firm in the way to do things right is a way of loving him. This will help him in the future to make the right choices knowing the consequences.
Academic is one area which they try to brush through as long as they think they are doing not too badly as this is not their focus at this point in life when they got so involve in our areas such as his comics. He tells you not to interfere because he is already addicted and do not want you to stop him from doing what he likes.
At his age, he wants to be in control of his life. Acting like an adult, thinking he can juggle all areas without suffering another. However, that's not the case. We know it will not work if the balance is out. If this goes on and affected his results significantly, you would have to set boundaries with him depending how much you want to take from him. Of course, you need to communicate what is your expectation of maintain his results or even getting better ones. Do not be afraid to confront him even at the expenses of getting retaliation because your son might not know what's best for him.
As a parent, understanding your child is the first thing then you would know how to teach them as they grow.
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Kids in their teens hard to communicate especially when they are in secondary 1 & 2, have their own circle of friends and spend less time with family. They value friendship more at this age. We, parents need to understand and be more patience.
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BayMax_dad:
Kids in their teens hard to communicate especially when they are in secondary 1 & 2, have their own circle of friends and spend less time with family. They value friendship more at this age. We, parents need to understand and be more patience.
Nods and agree! But dont stop communicating with them. Hear out for their views. They still do look up to parents and learn from parent's habits and values. Setting good example to them plays a big part too. Continue to love them even at times whereby they are rebelling. They want to be accepted for who they are.
However when they are getting out of hand and pick up bad habits and fool language, parents would have to correct them and discipline accordingly. -
HOW YOU CAN HELP YOUR CHILDREN TO ACHIEVE ACADEMIC SUCCESS IN 4 PRACTICAL STEPS
#01: CREATE A ROUTINE
Parents have to understand that they need not be the teachers and solutions to the child’s academic questions, they should be focusing on playing the role of a FACILITATOR. “Kids benefit from having structure in their home life,” says Michael Popkin, PhD, author of Helping Your Child Succeed in School and founder of Active Parenting Publishers. Draw up and establish a routine for your child early in the schooling life to reap maximum benefits. The routine serves as a guide for the child to live a systematic and productive childhood. Do monitor and enforce it closely when it Is at the initial phase, and if necessary, provide some gifts and rewards as motivation to get your child interested. Following a routine is also beneficial for the child in the long term as the importance of routine will be instilled in them as they will be better able to make their own plans and schedule as they get older.
WHAT YOU CAN DO NOW
Sit down with your children and work out a routine that compliments his current school timetable. Ensure that your children do have a say in the final outcome of this set of routine as this will instill a sense of accountability to them.
BONUS
Use IT Tools. Google Calendar is highly recommended for coming out with a family schedule. Key dates such as project deadlines/exam dates/family outing can be updated so that everyone in the household will be aware of it and make the necessary arrangements.
#02: USE THE RIGHT WORDS
Parents often speak to school-going children in an instructional and commanding voice. They have forgotten how they used to speak to the young ones so tenderly when they were only in pre- school. Once they step into formal schooling, parents speak to them like drill instructors with the expectations that they have to follow word for word. According to study, most children who are underperforming or underachieving in school experience low self- esteem and neglect. Put focus on effort rather than grades, “If they get a report card and they’ve got A’s and B’s and also one C, don’t just jump in on the C. Start with a focus on what they did well. Then talk about how they feel about the C and whether that represents good effort for them or if they need to work on it.”
WHAT YOU CAN DO NOW
Examine your tone and attempt to speak with more patience and gentleness. Speak affirmation instead of accusations. They will respond more eagerly and will be more opened to share their struggles and joy with you.
BONUS
Let the kids overhear you praising them to others. See the positive aspects of your children and be proud of it, share it with people and the child’s self-esteem and self-confidence will be raised significantly.
#03: Create a suitable environment for your child
Provide your child with a proper and conducive study area that promotes learning. Ensure that this is a consistent designated study corner for your child. Most importantly, this area has to be significantly away from all possible distractions. We all know how TV and computers can be a huge competitor for your child’s attention, hence we really have to limit these activities to the minimum, at least on school nights. Try not to tempt your children by watching TV when they are doing their work.(Because as adults are facing a really tough battle with this temptation, don’t expect the kids to win this battle)
WHAT YOU CAN DO NOW
Sit down with your child and list out all the possible distractions. Then, zone out the study corner in the house that would best fit the distraction-free criteria.
BONUS
Entertainment-only coupons. Each week, give out 5x1hour Entertainment-only coupons to your child which can be redeemed for TV/computer/leisure purposes. More coupons can be given to them as reward for their effort. Any coupons remaining at the end of the week can be cashed in for $2.
#04: Tripartite relationship is the KEY
This tripartite relationship involving Students, Parents and Teachers can only be well maintained if every stakeholder puts in an appropriate amount effort to do their part. For parents, do take the time and effort to communicate with the teachers, make the teachers your best ally. Work closely with them and hear from them the side of your child you may not see. Furthermore, tap on their expertise and seek feedback from them on how you can truly help your child specifically in the academic aspect.
WHAT YOU CAN DO NOW
Build a healthy relationship with teachers. You can start by writing a formal letter to thank them for their guidance and effort to nurture your child, after which ask them for their opinions and suggestions on how to improve on the current situation.
BONUS
Do give due praises to the teachers and form a strong relationship with them. They will be more inclined to go the extra mile to help you out as they see their efforts are being appreciated and affirmed. Take the effort to attend Parents Teachers Meeting and have a good discussion session with the teachers. -
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=tyReGYTqoDY
I dunno how to upload YouTube....but something I chanced upon this morning. I confess not knowing what my kid actually likes too. I had made quite many assumptions and recent conversations with him surprised me. So nowadays when he asked for my opinion on certain decisions making, I am worried that I give suggestions based on my own judgement which sometimes good as parent experiences count, but sometimes not good as he is a diff individual.
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