The Big Caning Poll
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I do not find caning your child necessary. Although it is a form of discipline, I find that caning your child will lead to your child being even more rebellious against you. It is said that if you want the horse to go where you want it to, you have to loosen the reins. To me, what I do when my child is defiant is that I just talk to them nicely and lead them in a compromise. This way, everyone will be happy with the things both of you think is right. There is no use getting worked up over them, as they will be angry with you too if you start flaring up at them.
Hope this has been helpful :imcool:
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Harlequin:
哎呀，你比她们还痛 then 你打干嘛？I am old-school and very cina; so, I do!
Did it a few times on their little palms, but my heart was bleeding badly. I felt more pain than them! (I am sorry, girl; forgive me.)
I don't cane my kid. Until recently, he doesn't know what is a cane nor it's purpose. The one he saw at in laws' place was for his cousin and he thought that was his cousin's new fishing rod.
I do smack my kid though, I just don't use a weapon (if cane is considered a weapon). -
Imami:
:xedfingers: Will not do it again, I swear!
哎呀，你比她们还痛 then 你打干嘛？Harlequin:
I am old-school and very cina; so, I do!
Did it a few times on their little palms, but my heart was bleeding badly. I felt more pain than them! (I am sorry, girl; forgive me.)
I don't cane my kid. Until recently, he doesn't know what is a cane nor it's purpose. The one he saw at in laws' place was for his cousin and he thought that was his cousin's new fishing rod.
I do smack my kid though, I just don't use a weapon (if cane is considered a weapon). -
Dont quite agree to using violent against my children. ;(
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At what age is it appropriate to stop using the cane?
Where can I buy the cane like in secondary school… just to scare my kid in sec 1. -
Chucksta:
:whut:At what age is it appropriate to stop using the cane?
Where can I buy the cane like in secondary school... just to scare my kid in sec 1.
Why do you want to do that for?! He is 13! -
Chucksta:
No need to buy, just use those white balloon stick. It works very well and is damn painful. I stopped caning my DS when he was 12. Now if I want to punish him, I will withdraw all his privileges and entitlements like mobile phone, lap top and allowance. Those are damn effective.At what age is it appropriate to stop using the cane?
Where can I buy the cane like in secondary school... just to scare my kid in sec 1. -
Don't lose your cool and cause grievous bodily harms to your kid when he/she cannot answer your questions correctly. You might end up behind bars.
http://www.straitstimes.com/singapore/courts-crime/man-sentenced-to-six-months-jail-for-ill-treating-seven-year-old-stepson
http://www.tnp.sg/news/singapore-news/man-jailed-ill-treating-stepson -
Just to add my two cents worth after reading through the previous posts.
The first thing to remember is every child is different. A style that works on one child may not work on another. There are, however, certain rules that can be applied to every child.
There must be a balance of positive and negative reinforcement. Praising your child for correct actions will encourage them to go the right way while punishing them for wrong actions will deter them from repeating the said action again. Remember that children are learning the rules of the world as they grow up and will constantly ‘test water’. It is important to send the right message to them when they do. One of the earlier posts mentioned a child who was constantly caned but still grew up to be a delinquent. This was likely due to an over application of negative reinforcement. Our minister called the current generation ‘strawberries’, all created by an over application of positive reinforcement.
The ultimate goal of disciplining the child is not to vent our anger but to steer them to the right path. That means that by the end of the punishment, the child must understand:
#1 - That he is wrong and WHY he is wrong
#2 - There are consequences for his actions
#3 - There is an acceptable alternative to his actions
#4 - He will be forgiven if he follows the rules
#5 - Develop the ability to use his moral compass
#1 means that caning your child without explanation will not work. For example, how often have we explained to children WHY exactly it is bad for them to overplay their computer games? Tons of people around the world play on their computers for hours at a time without visible side effects and your child knows it. This is when we could explain priorities such as homework and chores need to be completed first or we could show them real world articles of how over-gaming has negatively affected people, even leading to death. You will be surprised that some children do not realize why stealing and bullying others is bad until you ask them how they would feel if the tables were turned. As a teacher, I always ask my students why I was punishing them and 90% of the time the answer would be a variation of "Because you are angry with me". I would then follow up with a proper explanation of why their action was wrong and the consequences of it. Eg. You could have burnt yourself by playing with fire. or How would you feel if another person did that to you? This step is key because the child needs to realize the action is wrong and he shouldn’t do it when you aren’t looking.
#2 means that there has to be some form of deterrent. Consider this: If a child is caught shoplifting, and his punishment is to say sorry and return the item, what would the child have learnt? I have seen students who reasoned it as such. Possibility A: I get caught, I return the item, fake an apology, and no harm no foul. Possibility B: I don’t get caught, I got myself something free. Combined together, it means its a no-loss situation and I should continue with the action. And now some of you are thinking that there is no way a child would be capable of such high level reasoning. Sorry to disappoint, but remember what I said earlier about testing water. The children are learning social norms EVERY DAY by using this logic pattern, even if they aren’t aware of it themselves. Is the action worth the cost? I am in no-way endorsing what happened during WWII, but the fact is when the Japanese enforced the penalty of death for every little thing, the crime rate dropped because the crimes were no longer worth the penalty (except in the case of starving people who would have died anyway, but I’m digressing). Another parent said that all they do is just counsel the child. But remember that the child may already know the action is wrong and intentionally chose to take it anyway. Counselling (discussed in #1) only lets the child know why their actions are wrong. It doesn’t deter them from choosing the ‘dark side’. Eg. I know that drawing on the wall would mean the maid would have to painstakingly clean it later. I, however, lose nothing by doing this so I do it anyway. Taking away privileges is one way to show the children you mean business. Another is Judge Judy style of punishment should match the crime. Child vandalized the wall? Make him clean it. Child stole something? Make him work it off.
#3 - So now your child knows which path he shouldn’t take, it doesn’t necessarily mean he knows which path is right. Imagine you knock on the wrong door, are embarrassed because you disturbed a complete stranger and know you shouldn’t knock on that door again but you STILL don’t know which is your friend’s house. That’s how your child feels if you skip #3. Eg. We punish him for stealing, but the fact remains he wanted the item. Discuss with your child what other possible actions are available. Eg. Could he go to you and ask you for money? My own mum gave me ‘jobs’ around the house to do to earn the cash or showed me how to save my pocket money for it. Don’t leave your child confused as they likely chose that action for lack of other options.
#4 - Sun Tzu said this. If you corner an enemy, leave a way out. A cornered mouse with only one option will fight with all its power against the cat. I’m not saying your child is the enemy but do remember not to make him feel as such. Praise him for good actions. Encourage his efforts to do the right thing. Sometimes, as adults, we may take certain actions for granted when we should. Does your child help his younger sibling or with chores around the house? Too often we rely on punishments and forget that this will alienate your child. Put yourself in the child’s shoes. Normal society constantly punishes you and makes you feel horrible about yourself, where as gangsters and other ah bengs welcome and accept you. Which side would you choose? Another important point here is that we have to explicitly make it known to the child they are forgiven. Make sure they are aware the door is always open for them.
#5 - Remember life is filled with grey areas and your child will need to make decisions that no one has prepared him for. Avoid always spoon-feeding the correct answers and let them speculate once in a while. That is why in #3 I used the word ‘discuss’. Ask your child what the right alternatives are. Let them practice reasoning out how their actions could have hurt themselves or others and what alternative solutions are possible. It is impossible for us to tell them whether every action they do is right or wrong and it is important for them to have the ability to discern by themselves.
So back to the question on whether to cane or not. I would say it depends on the situation, your understanding of your own child, and what message you want to send. My vote goes to ‘cane’ because I view ‘the rod’ as metaphorical for punishment. -
Good post for below.
Gentle reminder on how we parents should manage caning.
:goodpost:Bovul:
Just to add my two cents worth after reading through the previous posts.
The first thing to remember is every child is different. A style that works on one child may not work on another. There are, however, certain rules that can be applied to every child.
There must be a balance of positive and negative reinforcement. Praising your child for correct actions will encourage them to go the right way while punishing them for wrong actions will deter them from repeating the said action again. Remember that children are learning the rules of the world as they grow up and will constantly 'test water'. It is important to send the right message to them when they do. One of the earlier posts mentioned a child who was constantly caned but still grew up to be a delinquent. This was likely due to an over application of negative reinforcement. Our minister called the current generation 'strawberries', all created by an over application of positive reinforcement.
The ultimate goal of disciplining the child is not to vent our anger but to steer them to the right path. That means that by the end of the punishment, the child must understand:
#1 - That he is wrong and WHY he is wrong
#2 - There are consequences for his actions
#3 - There is an acceptable alternative to his actions
#4 - He will be forgiven if he follows the rules
#5 - Develop the ability to use his moral compass
#1 means that caning your child without explanation will not work. For example, how often have we explained to children WHY exactly it is bad for them to overplay their computer games? Tons of people around the world play on their computers for hours at a time without visible side effects and your child knows it. This is when we could explain priorities such as homework and chores need to be completed first or we could show them real world articles of how over-gaming has negatively affected people, even leading to death. You will be surprised that some children do not realize why stealing and bullying others is bad until you ask them how they would feel if the tables were turned. As a teacher, I always ask my students why I was punishing them and 90% of the time the answer would be a variation of \"Because you are angry with me\". I would then follow up with a proper explanation of why their action was wrong and the consequences of it. Eg. You could have burnt yourself by playing with fire. or How would you feel if another person did that to you? This step is key because the child needs to realize the action is wrong and he shouldn't do it when you aren't looking.
#2 means that there has to be some form of deterrent. Consider this: If a child is caught shoplifting, and his punishment is to say sorry and return the item, what would the child have learnt? I have seen students who reasoned it as such. Possibility A: I get caught, I return the item, fake an apology, and no harm no foul. Possibility B: I don't get caught, I got myself something free. Combined together, it means its a no-loss situation and I should continue with the action. And now some of you are thinking that there is no way a child would be capable of such high level reasoning. Sorry to disappoint, but remember what I said earlier about testing water. The children are learning social norms EVERY DAY by using this logic pattern, even if they aren't aware of it themselves. Is the action worth the cost? I am in no-way endorsing what happened during WWII, but the fact is when the Japanese enforced the penalty of death for every little thing, the crime rate dropped because the crimes were no longer worth the penalty (except in the case of starving people who would have died anyway, but I'm digressing). Another parent said that all they do is just counsel the child. But remember that the child may already know the action is wrong and intentionally chose to take it anyway. Counselling (discussed in #1) only lets the child know why their actions are wrong. It doesn't deter them from choosing the 'dark side'. Eg. I know that drawing on the wall would mean the maid would have to painstakingly clean it later. I, however, lose nothing by doing this so I do it anyway. Taking away privileges is one way to show the children you mean business. Another is Judge Judy style of punishment should match the crime. Child vandalized the wall? Make him clean it. Child stole something? Make him work it off.
#3 - So now your child knows which path he shouldn't take, it doesn't necessarily mean he knows which path is right. Imagine you knock on the wrong door, are embarrassed because you disturbed a complete stranger and know you shouldn't knock on that door again but you STILL don't know which is your friend's house. That's how your child feels if you skip #3. Eg. We punish him for stealing, but the fact remains he wanted the item. Discuss with your child what other possible actions are available. Eg. Could he go to you and ask you for money? My own mum gave me 'jobs' around the house to do to earn the cash or showed me how to save my pocket money for it. Don't leave your child confused as they likely chose that action for lack of other options.
#4 - Sun Tzu said this. If you corner an enemy, leave a way out. A cornered mouse with only one option will fight with all its power against the cat. I'm not saying your child is the enemy but do remember not to make him feel as such. Praise him for good actions. Encourage his efforts to do the right thing. Sometimes, as adults, we may take certain actions for granted when we should. Does your child help his younger sibling or with chores around the house? Too often we rely on punishments and forget that this will alienate your child. Put yourself in the child's shoes. Normal society constantly punishes you and makes you feel horrible about yourself, where as gangsters and other ah bengs welcome and accept you. Which side would you choose? Another important point here is that we have to explicitly make it known to the child they are forgiven. Make sure they are aware the door is always open for them.
#5 - Remember life is filled with grey areas and your child will need to make decisions that no one has prepared him for. Avoid always spoon-feeding the correct answers and let them speculate once in a while. That is why in #3 I used the word 'discuss'. Ask your child what the right alternatives are. Let them practice reasoning out how their actions could have hurt themselves or others and what alternative solutions are possible. It is impossible for us to tell them whether every action they do is right or wrong and it is important for them to have the ability to discern by themselves.
So back to the question on whether to cane or not. I would say it depends on the situation, your understanding of your own child, and what message you want to send. My vote goes to 'cane' because I view 'the rod' as metaphorical for punishment.
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