Alright for parents to peek into child's personal things?

[Blobbi]

insider:

Blobbi:

Whoa, Insider. These are pretty strong statements, and there's too much inference on your part about others. If you went around accusing other people (and there's no way you can know), who's going to answer sensitive poll questions like that? Whatever happened to mutual respect of your fellow forummers?

Whoa, Blobbi. When I am making statements like these, I am very careful to add in my 'probably', 'generally', 'usually', coz I do understand not ALL are like this...

I belong to more of the camp of thinking parents have to do more self reflections when kids don't turn up well... (example of why my kids don't share with me? don't trust me? etc and they have to look back at how come they don't trust their kids = vicious cycle...).

Then I must be the exception. , cos I'm not suspicious etc.

Given time and a lot of typing space, I can justify when I'll peep.

When I think back, I know that the goody two shoes image I presented to my parents was not exactly true. I did have my, shall we say, adventures. Nothing too wild, now that I look back. But I could have gotten into a lot of trouble if a little something went out of sync.

Maybe I'm speaking about the future based on what I know of my son today. He is very young (and he'd be mighty pissed if I told him someone suggested I might be 烦死人), but I know what kids can get up to. This is a difficult subject to write about because of the context that is required. My way of dealing with trust is to be as open and as accepting as I possibly can so there is no reason for him to lie. But given how sensitive he is, sometimes, any slight disapproval of something seemingly unconnected can trigger a little cover up here and there. If it's small, I will ignore. If it's bigger, I bring it up when he is calm so that he knows I know. I still need to tell him that the lie and the action he's covering up is wrong, but as his parent, I accept; I'm not judging him, just his actions. Despite this, I will still miss out on a few things ... I don't need to know everything - I just need to know when it's important.

[Blobbi]

insider:

Blobbi:

Nolah skunk. I mean the imaginative spinning of the other traits that go with it.

Errr...those 'traits' are not 'imaginative spinning'... They are real psychology but I lazy to go comb for literature to support them...

Take them like what you 'imagine'... I am OK...

In psychology terms, it's called the halo effect and anchoring - when you attribute too much to one thing. Shouldn't be so lazy if you want to accuse ...

[Blobbi]

ksi:

Just sharing only, to each his own, no right and wrong, just a matter of style. :celebrate:

Absolutely, ksi. We're just sharing. No need to get personal lah. :celebrate:

[Thanks dear]

[markfch]

Blobbi:

In psychology terms, it's called the halo effect and anchoring - when you attribute too much to one thing.

I learnt something about psychology today. Thanks Blobbi.

Let me rephrase the question into a hypothetical scenario. If one day you see your teenaged DD buying all sorts of branded stuff (way beyond her means) or your DS smelling of cigarettes, will you peek at their things when they are not looking or will you just confront them head-on?

[Funz]

markfch:

Let me rephrase the question into a hypothetical scenario. If one day you see your teenaged DD buying all sorts of branded stuff (way beyond her means) or your DS smelling of cigarettes, will you peek at their things when they are not looking or will you just confront them head-on?

In this case no need to peek. Since they are still teenagers, they should not be coming back with branded stuff and reeking of ciggies. So it is come clean, clean up your act or be grounded. Hypothetically speaking lah.

I guess the grey area comes when you see your child behaving differently, more secretive, reserve, melancholic, mood swings or even depressed. Then warning bells may sound. I think if my child exhibits such behaviour, I will try to dig things out of him/her. Failing which I may resort to peeking.

[corneyAmber]

Blobbi:

ksi:

Just sharing only, to each his own, no right and wrong, just a matter of style. :celebrate:

Absolutely, ksi. We're just sharing. No need to get personal lah. :celebrate:

[Thanks dear]

:celebrate:

[Blobbi]

insider:

Blobbi:

Shouldn't be so lazy if you want to accuse ...

Errr...meaning I can't write much coz I like to share but lazy to support my writing?

Have to put things into perspective. I am talking about teenagers / young adults and not those little ones like my 7 years old son. Little children may have little 'secrets' but they will spout out in no time if one knows how to talk to them...

Usually (see I use the word 'usually') parents will suffer backfire from their teenage children if they try to track too closely and risk becoming a 烦死人... (this one is common sense right?)

I just quoted what you said about yourself being lazy mah. :lol:

I have no problems if you disagree with what I said. This is a forum - we're here to discuss issues that are important to us. But casting aspersions on another person's character and then calling it pop psychology is plain ol' bad manners. You qualify yourself with lots of maybes, generallys and perhaps, but if you want to do it, be honest enough to admit (this discussion is about honesty, no?). You obviously didn't like it when I did that to you. But the rules are different when it's you on the spot huh? Hope you learnt something today - that actions cut both ways, and when you fling a stone, mud can splatter on you too.

Nuff said liao.

So sorry to let this happen to your thread, markfch. You've brought up a very intriguing question that is really thought provoking.

[corneyAmber]

markfch:

Let me rephrase the question into a hypothetical scenario. If one day you see your teenaged DD buying all sorts of branded stuff (way beyond her means) or your DS smelling of cigarettes, will you peek at their things when they are not looking or will you just confront them head-on?

The thing is such things do not happen overnight. So close supervision and communication is important to see the symptoms and address it. By the time the loot is seen or smelt, it's kinda doing corrective or reactive action. My philosophy is to adopt prevention to reach this stage and it is all about effort. If there are no symptoms but a one-off experimental adventure, like what funz said, come clean.....parents were once young before...

[buds]

Blobbi:

Then I must be the exception. , cos I'm not suspicious etc.

Then i guess i'm another exception too then..

Blobbi:

Given time and a lot of typing space, I can justify when I'll peep.

As my children are still young, they usually and innocently lay everything
across the table just like that. However, our children are growing within
a totally new generation that is scary to me. It may not be my child that
i lack trust with, but the outside friends and environment perhaps. Cos
just like good husbands... good children can be tempted too.

So while on one hand trust is earned by the parent and child vice versa..
as parents i do find there is this thing termed on a-need-to-know basis...
to be concerned where a concern can be detected out of the blue. One
can call it the maternal instincts so to speak. Somehow, should something
untoward happens to my child or her group of friends which i didn't want
to delve into; due to the sole belief in blind trust.. i may regret that move
for the rest of my life. Prevention is better than cure..

What i saw as my parents' intrusion back then when i was the wild
child... i see now as a positive intervention... suffice to get me back on
the right track instead of allowing me to lose my way. I had always been
a good kid and the greatest parents anyone can ask for albeit a little
conservative.. :lol:.. but as parents they were responsible to guide me
where they felt in any way was inappropriate and unbecoming.

I see and understand their intervention then as my saving grace to be
what i am today... and i am extremely grateful for that.

Blobbi:

When I think back, I know that the goody two shoes image I presented to my parents was not exactly true. I did have my, shall we say, adventures. Nothing too wild, now that I look back. But I could have gotten into a lot of trouble if a little something went out of sync.

Maybe I'm speaking about the future based on what I know of my son today. He is very young (and he'd be mighty pissed if I told him someone suggested I might be 烦死人), but I know what kids can get up to. This is a difficult subject to write about because of the context that is required.

Harmless adventures i found that my daddie does close an eye to those
escapades sometimes. In a sense not entirely rigid. I remember an
incident where i came back from a discotheque and told him.. \"Dad, i have
a confession.. i didn't really.. ya know... have extra anything after school
today...\" He replied simply and nonchalantly.. \"I know, dear.. and thanks
for owning up to me. It's nice to know that you can still come up to me
and still choose honesty... regardless...\"

With children, each has his/her own level of maturity and at times some
children may not have the maturity to understand the growing phases..
guess for me i was disillusioned by the fun everyone else was having
then, that even as a good kid, i temporarily cast aside all the values &
the principles i was raised with. Hence, i cud only embrace my parents'
concerns for my well being not just at that particular time but also for
the well being of my future. It takes many painstaking years to nurture
a child... a happy child... a balanced child... OUR child... but it takes only
one split second decision to let it that many years to go down the drain.

Blobbi:

My way of dealing with trust is to be as open and as accepting as I possibly can so there is no reason for him to lie. But given how sensitive he is, sometimes, any slight disapproval of something seemingly unconnected can trigger a little cover up here and there. If it's small, I will ignore. If it's bigger, I bring it up when he is calm so that he knows I know. I still need to tell him that the lie and the action he's covering up is wrong, but as his parent, I accept; I'm not judging him, just his actions. Despite this, I will still miss out on a few things ... I don't need to know everything - I just need to know when it's important.

I know we will definitely miss a few things.. I know i did.. with my
parents. :lol: But that was intentional... they were those memories i
wanted to keep for myself then and nothing extreme or out of the
ordinary. Mostly the details of those memories.. and i know they
somehow knew too.. but didn't press it. :hugs:

Like Blobbi, i will most likely go along similar... when-it's-important-path..
and i wud pride myself to know the difference between when it is not.:D

Philosophy though helpful when required, may not necessarily come up
with accurate analysis of real life situations as no two persons are ever
alike. Not even twins.

[mathsparks]

insider:

Errr...parents who peep into their kids' stuff even though their kids are OK kids probably is a reflection of these parents have a greater sense of insecurity, suspicious in nature, possessive, 看不开，lower confidence level, worry-too-much kind = higher risk of of bringing up kids who are similar to them (meaning likely to also bring up kids who can't build trusting relationships) = vicious cycle. Children's view of such parents maybe 烦死人 and they are unlikely to share more with such parents since telling them one thing and may lead them to imagine ten = don't tell better to save the 烦死人 situation...


These parents usually will also not trust their spouses (see a long strand of hair in the car = got woman outside?? and start their 'peeping game'...)

My personal view and don't get offended... Sometimes 'love and care' given out of 'good intent' can also give the receiver a sickening feeling if one doesn't apply it correctly...

Everyone is definitely entitled to their own views, insider. But I feel kinda misunderstood, so please hear me out.

Both my kids add me as their friend (son even acknowledged me as mum) on facebook, and gladly share their blogs with me so that, despite our busy schedules, I stay 'involved' and 'connected' with them. We do talk, of course, during school runs/dinner/family time, but by allowing me access to their cyber world, I know a lot more. And they DON'T resent that at all. I get to see the fun times they share with their friends during school events and outings.

I read their fb and blogs to share their goings on doesn't mean that I have a greater sense of insecurity, suspicious in nature, possessive, 看不开，lower confidence level, worry-too-much kind. It's peeking only when approval is not given. I do it openly, we even laugh about certain posts together.

Both of them are growing up so fine, they're certainly not lacking in confidence level.

They're entitled to their secrets, of course, we even allowed them to have their own private accounts on the pc/laptops. And my dd has a private blog which I respect and don't ask for access.

haha, and just to sway your thinking a bit, I'm certainly not a suspicious spouse.

Well, on the other hand, there are parents who go through life thinking that ignorance is bliss. Now that's another extreme, right?