A Father's regret over his daughters....
-
His books have been around for decades, since before I even had my kids (now 18 and 20). I read a couple of his books then, but also read other books, so I don’t think I followed everything wholesale. Anything in particular you want to discuss?
-
You have a difficult situation. I think you have to take a step back and look at it from your daughters’ perspective. Are they happy with your plans for them? Have they been consulted? Often, kids get rebellious when they feel that they are not being heard by the adults who decide for them, or because of instability in their homes etc. I don’t know what their grandparents’ discipline regime was, but something there probably wasn’t working well. The situation you are setting up for them seems to have a lot of adjustment and instability, with the likelihood of different discipline regimes in the various homes they live in. Unless all the adults are in agreement, are able to deal with issues in the same way, and the kids are happy with the changes, there are likely to be even more problems in store.
I don’t know about how you could have them live with you permanently in Singapore, but in general, kids will do best (and I don’t mean academically) when they live in a stable home, ideally with their parents and with a strong social circle. Before you even get down to the nitty-gritty of discipline, I think you have to deal with whatever deep-seated insecurities or unhappinesses your daughters may have, build their trust in the adults who look after them, and give them a stable home. Just dealing with their rebelliousness is unlikely to do anything useful or permanent and may even make the situation worse.
Just my thoughts. -
Sorry,accidentally deleted previous posting.
I married my wife in a shotgun marriage 10 years ago.She was born in Malaysia and my 2 daughters were born there too.They were looked after by my wife’s sister until 6 years old and after that my in-laws looked after them.
My in-laws let me marry my wife on the condition that my 2 daughters were to stay there until they were 16 years old.They are both now Primary 5 over there.I do make monthly trips to Malaysia to visit them.
2 years ago,they started becoming rebellious,becoming very rude and started to create trouble for my in-laws by their defiance and being naughty.Despite that,my in-laws still loved both my girls.They always got top 15 every year in primary school.
I am thinking of bringing them out of their grandparents state and their current school.I have already registered them yesterday in a govt school in JB and they will stay with their aunt(wife’s younger sister) in JB from Sundays to Thursdays but they will come home to stay with me and my wife from Friday nights to Sunday mornings when I will bring them to school.
Latest decision made is that the girls will not stay with my SIL but they will stay with us in SG and I will drive them to the waiting area in JB every morning to wait for the school bus,get back to SG to drive my wife to her school and go to camp.
After school,the girls will board the school bus and it will take them to the checkpoint to get their passports chopped,clear customs and I will be at the checkpoint waiting for them,drive to Mommy’s school to pick her up and go home together after that. -
Hi Fishfingers,
Parental warmth is crucial for a child’s well-being, lack of parental affection can cause negative impact e.g. feel insecure, anti-social behaviour which can last for a lifetime.
You may refer to iceberg metaphor (Satir Iceberg Model): The Self (core, entre, essence, spirit, soul)->Yearning (love, acceptance, connection, freedom)->Expectations (of others, of self, of others)->Perceptions (beliefs, assumptions, mindset)->Feelings about Feelings (decisions about feelings)->Feelings (joy, excitement, fear, anger, hurt and sadness)->Coping (stances)->VISIBLE BEHAVIOUR
Visible behaviour=tip of iceberg, each layer under the water represents a part of personal experiences and such experiences will affect behaviour of a child/adult e.g. positive experience = positive behaviour, negative experience = negative behaviour. -
So are my daughters considered Singaporeans or Malaysians?
I thought they were Singaporeans all along since I was a true blue Singaporean born guy.
Maybe I should try to make an effort to understand the Malaysian primary school syllabus. -
Hi Fish Fingers,
I really feel for you; your family situation is not easy. First things first: your daughter’s citizenship is determined by what was declared on their birth certificate. Do u have access to those? Or at least what do their passports indicate?
You have asked about James Dobson’s books. Which book in particular? I have read The Strong-Willed Child and Bringing Up Boys because they were applicable to my family. Perhaps you are referring to Bringing Up Daughters or Dare to Discipline or Preparing for Adolescence?
In any case, do read the books if you have the time, but I feel that your daughters are in their pre-teen years, this age already naturally has some emotional upheavals due to hormone changes. This age group, despite their outward signs of rebelliousness, is not suited for harsh discipline. I believe all parenting books will tell you that. What they need is understanding parents and the knowledge that they are loved unconditionally.
Have you spoken to your girls about your plans? Was there a two-way discussion about the huge move? Did you convey the message that you wish for them to be closer to Daddy and Mummy, both in terms of distance and in bonding, that’s why you planned it this way? It is not easy for them to suddenly separate from their lifelong school friends and their grandparents who were their main caregivers for so many years. And now they need to be under the supervision of an aunt in a new house who may not be close to them? Please see it from their point of view, if/when they protest against this.
Regardless of their protest however, it is very noble for you and your wife to initiate this "reunification" of your nuclear family, at least before their teenage years when they will really start to pull away. I would suggest that over the weekends when they are back in SG with you, you make the extra effort to get to know them better, and find some bonding activities. Because they are girls, maybe it is good for your wife to bring them shopping for some girly talk also. It is not too late, I wish you all the best! -
Which topic should I put my problem in?
My girls start school on coming Monday.More work for me though…They are a week late due to the move from Penang.
They have Malaysian BCs and passports.Their country of birth is stated as born in Malaysia.
I did sat them down over dinner last night in the family home in SG and talked to them.My older girl expressed her wish to continue attend primary and secondary schools in Malaysia.I told her both of them could do so provided they come back home to SG after school instead of going to my SIL’s place.
Told my older girl several times that yes…I can allow you to continue studying in Malaysian primary and secondary schools but you must come back stay with pop and Mommy.Pop wants to make up for the 10 years of time.The world is not only about you,it is also learning to live with the others around you.
Mommy is a school teacher and can help you with your studies.So Daddy is not going to stay in the Navy camp everyday but wait for you girls to be dismissed from school,take the school bus,clear customs/chop passport and Daddy will be at the checkpoint to drive you home.Mommy will leave school and wait for us at the school where she teaches and we will fetch her to go home together.
Enrolled them in a primary school 15 mins bus ride near the Causeway checkpoint,bought new uniforms for them and talked to them yesterday. -
FishFingers:
They have Malaysian BCs and passports.Their country of birth is stated as born in Malaysia.
They are not Singaporeans. If they were born outside Singapore, you have to apply for them to be granted citizenship, and they have to swear the Oath of Allegiance when they turn 21. If only 1 parent is Singaporean, then I'm not sure it's automatic that they will be granted citizenship. -
It’s good that you have expressed your support for your daughters. I think it’s understandable that they don’t want to switch school systems yet, but you never know, they may decide to later on. The most important thing for you as a family is to develop close bonds so they learn to trust you. After that, even if you impose tough rules or discipline them, they will understand that you are doing it with their best interests at heart.
Hello! It looks like you're interested in this conversation, but you don't have an account yet.
Getting fed up of having to scroll through the same posts each visit? When you register for an account, you'll always come back to exactly where you were before, and choose to be notified of new replies (either via email, or push notification). You'll also be able to save bookmarks and upvote posts to show your appreciation to other community members.
With your input, this post could be even better 💗
Register Login