Measuring success of mum with children’s results

[sharonkhoo]

By asking the question, you show that you realise that measuring the success of a parent by the child’s performance is silly, to put it bluntly. I guess all mothers, especially SAHM, are tempted to feel this way, but it’s a sign of being too proud of our own ability to control things. We all know that we can’t control everything, that every child is born with different abilities and personalities. I have been a SAHM most of my kids’ lives (now 18 and 21), and it’s something I’ve had to learn to get over. You should too or you will just make yourself miserable. Ask yourself - are your kids happy? healthy? well-adjusted? law-abiding? Then you’ve done a great job!

[starlight1968sg]

It is inevitable for one to compare the academic results of the kid among his siblings, classmates, relatives etc.

BUT we know each child is born with different capabilities and personalities.
The most impt is he is our flesh.
Not doing well in studies means he is lesser of our flesh?

[PlayfulFairy]

I still love my gal regardless of how her results are. However, I wonder how do SAHMs encourage themselves? My mood fluctuates according to the results of my girls…

[zac's mum]

Your feelings are normal. Especially for us SAHMS who sacrificed our careers to invest our time into our kids.


I like what slmkhoo uses to measure our success: quote her “are your kids happy? healthy? well-adjusted? law-abiding? Then you've done a great job!”

Your youngest is the same age as my only child. Already very independent compared to preschooler stage. I am already enjoying lot more me-time and using that time to take some lessons for myself. Whether baking, drum lessons, volunteer work, go JB day trip or plan a second career...important to have self-care, then won’t thjnk so much and go into depression. Meantime you can come here to chitchat with us heehee :grphug:

[ammonite]

PlayfulFairy:

I still love my gal regardless of how her results are. However, I wonder how do SAHMs encourage themselves? My mood fluctuates according to the results of my girls...

I think you simply need an identity that is more than just MUM. I said ‘simply’ but it is not so simple. Beyond self care, I think having skills and competencies that are beyond (but not exclusive of) mothering can be wonderfully empowering.
Kids wise, doing non academic activities together can be helpful. If all you have to talk about are your kids’ results, then I think it is somewhat natural that your mood will fluctuate with their results. But if you have other things to talk about or think about related to them, academic will just be one of the many things. Hope that makes some sense.

[sky minecrafter]

Hello PlayfulFairy, our dc1s are sheepies :snuggles: It's easy for a homemaker to fall into depression or become overly-focused on the children. There's nothing abnormal with such feelings; but as your children grow & become independent of you, you wanna look for something else which interests you. Your sacrifice for the family is real - your spouse & children should recognise it, but it should not become a burden to the kids. For yourself, like slmkhoo says, it's more important to focus on the good that your presence has done for them. Come into the forum more often lah.


Afterthought... so, what about your kids' academic works can we share your burden? Let's hear it out.

[janet88]

PlayfulFairy:

Hi all,


Jus wanna know whether my feelings is normal...

I have 3 kids-15, 10, 8. Resigned and works part time to take care of kids. Eldest gal didn’t do well for PSLE and is in Secondary 3 now. She has always been a laid back, happy go lucky child- never ever driven or competitive. Even till this age, she has to be bugged to do everything. A kinesthetic learner and not very speedy in learning. Sometime I feel very depressed cos I don’t have a so-called luminous career and eldest child isn’t doing very well. I feel that I quit my job and haven’t achieved anything in my life...

I've been a SAHM close to 19 years. son is 18, born with cleft and so it was hectic in the initial years with his operations, followed by primary and secondary education. as a SAHM, it seems like we are measured by the academic 'success' of our kids...if the child doesn't perform well, it's like the mum's fault because she is at home.

for mums, it's not fair to use this as a form of 'measurement'.
my kids are not top scorers. I had depression when they were very young because I felt loaded with the responsibilities of bringing them up. near CAs and SAs, I lose sleep. when they faced O levels and PSLE, I freaked out.

son is 18 and daughter is in sec 2 normal stream...planning her weekly revision is still very much my responsibility because she is so laid back. what is important is, they are healthy (thanks to mum's home cooked meals) and there is communication between us. I feel a sense of achievement because they are grown up and at bedtime, they still snuggle close to me for a while to chat.

[jedamum]

PlayfulFairy,

Knowing that my kids are dependable, kind, thoughtful, helpful, respectful, sensible (most of the time) gives me great encouragement. The teenage years are trying with me questioning myself sometimes about what went wrong.
During down times, I also ask myself the same question - I didn’t achieve much. But when I think again about how I enjoy most of the time away from office stress and politics, sharing their growing up moments, I think they give me a good excuse to be a sahm.

[MrsKiasu]

Topic like this, I m total failure liao


I 'complain/got affected' quite abit with kids related matters and my dh always reminded me how fast the kids are growing. He recently told me how many times only we can be away for vacation as a family when they are still fully dependent on us. I ever felt quite lost, dunno how to help, where to start to help..we can get a lot of helps/supports many mommies here so dont worry too much...reminded me of slmkhoo now when I was almost totally helpless then .. come here and talk ba. I used to feel guilty for whatever they are not on par with many around them..but that was when they were younger. Now that when they are older, I tend to believe that it is their own responsibility lor, do something on their own if they feel that they are behind, I have my hands full already. Need to care for their meals, taking care of all their needs, home, my own stuffs..I always tell esp dd1..very busy hor..and you are only studying leh, I still need to help take note of your school thingy, I will be so glad if each of us can be in charge of own life. I guess over time, I slowly accept that not only kids are different in abilities but also the adults. Some are just very good and we are all different. So try not to measure and make ourselves miserable. What we want actually from our kids? I will try to give them some push but not overly..Usually there will be a period of time before exam, I will feel very ganjiong..like this round but after less than 2 weeks, life is just back to normal. Cannot stress ourselves continuously for too long. Just do our own 'best'..that's me

All of us have our 'worth' in our family. Dont be too hard on own self..anyone makes you feeling this way? If you want, you can always go back to work force one day or do something that you think has more value when everybody is ready. I complain and complain, still I believe I will still love being with them, have them around me.