All about Dementia
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Estéema\" post_id=\"2001033\" time=\"1604282984\" user_id=\"66413:
@Estee,
lee,
My condolences to you & your hubby. It’s good you share to alert others of your experience in handling the elderly with dementia. It’s not easy & can be so trying. I’ve went through it in my twenties, not knowing this condition with my own mum and anxious days when she didn’t come home for 2 days & police sent her home. I went thro exactly those u described (my sister kept accusing the long-time helper for stealing & putting poison into her food or not giving her meals) and she was sent by her 7 adult kids fr M’sia to us in SG. My own mum often accused me of abandoning her & without food when she’s staying with me & my bro is the one who then nvr visited whilst I was bearing all the burden of care for her in the 80s when little is known abt dementia.
Didn’t know you’ve been stressed & suffered so much in the last couple of years, but it’s time for you to regain your health & take good care of yourself. You’ve done your best the way you know best. Forgive yourselves for areas u’ve not known as those were your learning process to benefit your younger family members & now u’re benefiting the greater community who wld hv elderly to care for. In fact, you shld pat yourself for being a caring DIL & caring for your hubby’s mum as your own.
Spore still need to develop more elderly care facilities esp programmes for early dementia. It’s impt to keep them mentally agile & emotionally strong. There’s no cure for it but we can help them reach out to other elderlies thro day-care like those run by St Luke’s. My cell frd’s mum health deteriorated after the father passed but think they got her into St Luke early enuf, I rmbr a trip to pick her up, she cld recognize me & happily talked abt me & my family with other elderly participants exercising next to her. So, help them with gaining new frds & hv more meaningful activities.
Hubby has less stress coz having gone thro with caring for my mum, it’s precious for me to treat his parents as mine with some u’stand’g how trying it can be if nobody helps them. Now actually hv some time, sitting waiting for MIL’s eye op to complete & bring her home in an hour’s time. Read yr post yday but was busy with her as she’s anxious for today’s op.
During CB, we cld only help replenish food for her whilst everyone was staying home. Right into Phase 2, we started getting her out (with careful measure of mask-wearing & brought sanitizers etc) whenever out. We can do all we can, but cldn’t help much if she can’t adjust herself mentally & she dare not take confident strikes, every step is shaking & took a few more seconds before she lifted or put her foot on the ground. We decided to bring her out more often & almost daily to parks, off skirt farms & friends’ private garden of edibles that delights her most. Now, she not only walks confidently, but she claims she’s more savvy using TraceTogether than her younger sister-in-laws. Ano frd’s mum early dementia, quickly spiral into total confusion state not knowing day or night & kept asking to go home whilst sitting in her usual room.
Agree with you, we need to look out more for our growing elderlies in our Spore community and learn to recognize each stage of their mental & emotional needs and I’ve learnt most importantly, not to take it personally coz they know not what they’re doing to us. Our parents/parents-in-law are not heavy burden, they’re our precious jewels to keep loving & shining them. Some tasks are not easy, but they’re testing our sense of humanity & how much touch of love we extend beyond ourselves & our busy schedule or interests. Leave our lives without regrets. You wld hv given your daughters sight & memories of a legacy of love & care for yr MIL long before her dementia. So, u must see it as a blessing to yr girls. Love them coz they’ll be your carers in your golden years. Take care.
Reading your 1st paragraph reminds me of what I went through, like MIL accusing DD1 of stealing her money (repeated that a few times a week!) or the food I prepared for her causing her harm or starving her (despite having her regular meals) and unpleasant stuff like that. Very sad that I did not have experience with dementia and so I did not handle the whole situation well, lots of confrontation and always ended up arguing. Now i am filled with guilt.
My MIL’s condition also deteriorated very quickly, and everyday was a new challenge. Just last Nov, her mind was clear and her psychiatrist said it didn’t look like dementia, only mild cognitive impairment that came with old age. Not sure if the Lexapro prescribed to her caused her to go into deeper confusion. MIL refused to take citing all the side effects like giddy, nausea, can’t breathe etc but hubby and I had no choice and had to force her to take. Again filled w guilt forcing her to take med.
The psychologist I am currently seeing, shared a personal anecdote; her deceased grandmother also had dementia. Her grandmother had 8 children but only her dad was willing to take care of her till her last breath. Another aunt who came over regularly to flip the bedridden grandma also fell into depression after the grandma passed away.
The psychologist also said that dementia awareness, caregiver burnt out and support on mental health issues are not advanced in S’pore and hope that the government can do more to cater to a rapidly aging society like ours. -
lee_yl,
you have done your level best, based on your knowledge and wherewithal then. look forward as a family. It must be hard on your girls too, who do not have the maturity of adults and may be affected as well.
Your girls, hub and you can be a blessing and encouragement to others who may be facing the same situation. And yes, all of you are wiser after the experience.
The reality is all our physical organs are deterioriating - medical science has managed to tackle and preserve our physical bodies pretty well, extending lifespans. Alas, the brain is also an organ. Brain deterioriation is something that is still beyond the limits of medical science at present. -
lee_yl\" post_id=\"2001173\" time=\"1604375125\" user_id=\"17023:
lee,
@Estee,
Reading your 1st paragraph reminds me of what I went through, like MIL accusing DD1 of stealing her money (repeated that a few times a week!) or the food I prepared for her causing her harm or starving her (despite having her regular meals) and unpleasant stuff like that. Very sad that I did not have experience with dementia and so I did not handle the whole situation well, lots of confrontation and always ended up arguing. Now i am filled with guilt.
My MIL’s condition also deteriorated very quickly, and everyday was a new challenge. Just last Nov, her mind was clear and her psychiatrist said it didn’t look like dementia, only mild cognitive impairment that came with old age. Not sure if the Lexapro prescribed to her caused her to go into deeper confusion. MIL refused to take citing all the side effects like giddy, nausea, can’t breathe etc but hubby and I had no choice and had to force her to take. Again filled w guilt forcing her to take med.
The psychologist I am currently seeing, shared a personal anecdote; her deceased grandmother also had dementia. Her grandmother had 8 children but only her dad was willing to take care of her till her last breath. Another aunt who came over regularly to flip the bedridden grandma also fell into depression after the grandma passed away.
The psychologist also said that dementia awareness, caregiver burnt out and support on mental health issues are not advanced in S’pore and hope that the government can do more to cater to a rapidly aging society like ours.
You & family hv gone thro alot I can feel you as you share.
I’ve sunk into depression the moment my mum passed on. Looking back, I realized I cld hv held on bcoz she have nobody else as I was the only sole-caregiver then. Had nobody to turn to. I was a young working adult then with a young unforgiving boss & immediate colleagues who didn’t u’stand what dementia patient needs are, save my GM’s secretary who gave my boss a lashing for penalizing me for returning fr hospital late, back to my work desk. I think was saved fr suicide then after reading a police officer who shot himself after his dad passed coz there’s little meaning left fr a cold world when he wasn’t granted a helper as a single male & he had to juggle work & rush back to feed his dad lunch, etc. My heart went out to him & resolved that shld not cause us all caregivers to be loaded with haplessness, guilt & despair.
I shut myself home, nursing all suicidal thots & didn’t eat all my meals until our benefactor who helped got us a helper for mum’s care brot me food in the evenings. How cld I end it all when there are caring souls in our community? So, I’ve got myself out of my stupor & determine time to lead a meaningful life. Got my feet together & completed my masters & return to live life with vigor.
I hope you’ll rise abv your current state & live a wonderful life and fulfil those things & dreams that you had wished to achieve. I didn’t know what or how to handle dementia >20 years back nor was our society prepared for it then. Altho today, social support is a lot better but we can still be stumped with an unexpected heavy responsibility that even science hv not found treatment for.
It may help to talk abt yr feelings with yr family members. For me, I feel it might prepare them when they’ve to handle similar situations. Esp for yr daughters, as they’ve seen what u’ve gotta go thro (forgetfulness with meals, accusations of thefts, lost way home, etc) and coupled with yr sharing of how guilt & depression hits you, it might help them better in handling similar situations as they encounter. Help them feel less guilty abt any unintended confrontations & a lot more 潇洒。
Even as you mentioned about confrontations, I recall those moments. With time, and zealousness to move on with your life with your hubby & girls, I’m sure it’ll become a positive motivation for you to recognize these situations when u see any of yr frds going thro them, and able to offer yr comfort to them as you’re reaching out to do in this forum. Kudos to you.
Do stay safe, stay sane & live life with zest dear. Will pray for you & hope all positivity fills you through & through. -
doodbug\" post_id=\"2001176\" time=\"1604377452\" user_id=\"13281:
I had the same thoughts. During MIL’s last medical check-up, hospital told DH that her heart/body etc. very fit and there was no need for her to come back in near future. But it was her brain that was deteriorating very fast! And often, we can’t really differentiate the onset of dementia from old age issues.
lee_yl,
you have done your level best, based on your knowledge and wherewithal then. look forward as a family. It must be hard on your girls too, who do not have the maturity of adults and may be affected as well.
Your girls, hub and you can be a blessing and encouragement to others who may be facing the same situation. And yes, all of you are wiser after the experience.
The reality is all our physical organs are deterioriating - medical science has managed to tackle and preserve our physical bodies pretty well, extending lifespans. Alas, the brain is also an organ. Brain deterioriation is something that is still beyond the limits of medical science at present.
Few times I brought up the issue to DH that whenever we got into arguments/confrontations with MIL (like 5 times a week), I was very scared our girls would pick up what they saw and would treat us in the same manner when we are old. :nailbite:
DD1 would come and ask me not to argue w grandma which made me even more frustrated/upset. I also cannot send MIL away to an old folks home as I am scared that the action would leave a mental and emotional scar in my children. Really 进退两难. Thank god during MIL’s wake, my girls assured me that I did my best and they understood what was happening all along. The rock was removed from my heart as we hugged and cried together. -
Estéema\" post_id=\"2001193\" time=\"1604389575\" user_id=\"66413:
Oh yes, 20 years ago we knew even less about dementia, probably even more painful.
lee,
You & family hv gone thro alot I can feel you as you share.
I’ve sunk into depression the moment my mum passed on. Looking back, I realized I cld hv held on bcoz she have nobody else as I was the only sole-caregiver then. Had nobody to turn to. I was a young working adult then with a young unforgiving boss & immediate colleagues who didn’t u’stand what dementia patient needs are, save my GM’s secretary who gave my boss a lashing for penalizing me for returning fr hospital late, back to my work desk. I think was saved fr suicide then after reading a police officer who shot himself after his dad passed coz there’s little meaning left fr a cold world when he wasn’t granted a helper as a single male & he had to juggle work & rush back to feed his dad lunch, etc. My heart went out to him & resolved that shld not cause us all caregivers to be loaded with haplessness, guilt & despair.
I shut myself home, nursing all suicidal thots & didn’t eat all my meals until our benefactor who helped got us a helper for mum’s care brot me food in the evenings. How cld I end it all when there are caring souls in our community? So, I’ve got myself out of my stupor & determine time to lead a meaningful life. Got my feet together & completed my masters & return to live life with vigor.
I hope you’ll rise abv your current state & live a wonderful life and fulfil those things & dreams that you had wished to achieve. I didn’t know what or how to handle dementia >20 years back nor was our society prepared for it then. Altho today, social support is a lot better but we can still be stumped with an unexpected heavy responsibility that even science hv not found treatment for.
It may help to talk abt yr feelings with yr family members. For me, I feel it might prepare them when they’ve to handle similar situations. Esp for yr daughters, as they’ve seen what u’ve gotta go thro (forgetfulness with meals, accusations of thefts, lost way home, etc) and coupled with yr sharing of how guilt & depression hits you, it might help them better in handling similar situations as they encounter. Help them feel less guilty abt any unintended confrontations & a lot more 潇洒。
Even as you mentioned about confrontations, I recall those moments. With time, and zealousness to move on with your life with your hubby & girls, I’m sure it’ll become a positive motivation for you to recognize these situations when u see any of yr frds going thro them, and able to offer yr comfort to them as you’re reaching out to do in this forum. Kudos to you.
Do stay safe, stay sane & live life with zest dear. Will pray for you & hope all positivity fills you through & through.
At one stage I also felt very helpless. It reached a stage where I got so frustrated with MIL’s non-stop scolding (on bad days she could scold non stop for 10hrs+) that I went to her room to ask her shut up but only to see her taking her afternoon nap. Yup, the situation got so bad until I thought I hear her voice even when there wasn’t any. I told DH I can understand why some maids ended up stabbing their old employers to death. So I really feel for caregivers of dementia patients.
Dear caregivers: for those who chance upon my post, if no one is there to help out, you have to help yourself. I called the Dementia hotline support group and felt better after some counselling. And there’s also Respite Care service for those who need it. Or go polyclinic to see in-house psychologist if you feel burnt out, depressed or entertained suicidal thoughts. Counsellor did ask me to avoid arguing with MIL, she is like an autistic kid living in her own world. I know it’s very hard but we can try by taking deep breaths and walking away. One thing I realised upon looking back, maybe I should NOT have taken things too personally because dementia patients, have problems controlling their minds. 加油 -
@ lee_yl
Now you need yo start take care of yr physical emotional & spiritual needs. Restore yourself. I just spent 3 hours with a dear frd, whom I helped brot in a Mynmar helper coz she was very depressed last year fr the stressed of handling her mother single-handedness without her siblings’ help or u’stand’g. Now she’s slipping into depression again coz her hubby has been fooling ard with a younger woman of 20 years’ diff. I didn’t realized all the heaviness she’s been beating till now. Agree, with u to encourage all caregivers to shout for some help & not suffer in silence. Her case was very sad as one thing led to ano. Thankful she’s got a good helper. I’m trying to spend more time with her to draw her out of her depressed thots. In fact, she showed some interests in growing edibles, so at least sth theuraptic.
You’ve pressed fwd in life handling all the IMPT domestic needs of yr family. With yr daughters growing more independent, you can afford to pursue yr personal interests & enrich your mind & soul. Do take care. 🤗🤗 -
ellielo\" post_id=\"2028995\" time=\"1625252797\" user_id=\"193487:
What is MS?
My aunt was diagnosed with MS few years ago. She had her regular check ups and took tecfidera on daily basis. Last time she visited her doctor he said they have to perform some more tests cause it looks like she might have a dementia now. She is terrified. Has someone else experienced that ms can develop in dementia? What was the time gap between those two diagnosis? -
Feel Safe and Supported with your digital dementia care companion
https://cara.sg/ -
starlight1968sg\" post_id=\"2047546\" time=\"1637659995\" user_id=\"14025:
Thanks for sharing, Starlight!
Feel Safe and Supported with your digital dementia care companion
https://cara.sg/
OT: we’re considering getting an Apple iWatch for MIL, it has fall alert, as well as reminders to stand up if sitting too long…heart rate and steps tracker, sleep tracker, location tracker, etc. -
Sharing what I learnt recently from speaking with caregivers experienced with providing care for dementia patients:
- the short-term memory is first to go, long-term memory will still remain good for a long time
- dementia could affect different parts of the brain. In some patients, it affects their aggression level, hence some elderly pinch or hit their caregivers. Agency wanted to know if my MIL shows this tendency (she doesn’t - her brother though, turned very aggressive after a few years, he had to be warded long-term in IMH with restraints).
- those experienced helpers are able to pacify the elderly who forgot they’ve already eaten, but offering them fruit snack, or joking with them/distracting them with other topic. They can engage them mentally by asking them simple math calculations, how to spell simple words, test sequence of days of the week, etc. Helpful for early stages of dementia I think.
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