$350k for 1 child?

[buds]

tamarind:

I know many parents think that they should love their kids unconditionally and expect nothing in return. That is what you think now. You will change your mind when you actually watch someone you love grow old and die, or when it is your time and none of your kids are by your side.

My parents and i... my husband's parents and himself as well... all of us
have had opportunities to care for our extended elderly (like great great
grandparents) from when they were well up and about to the moments
when sickness befalls them.. to the point when they're paralysed.. and
a few in comatose state for a while.

So it also means that our children also had a chance to watch some of
these elder care we do.. like carry the paralysed to and from bed to the
bathroom, have them showered, feed them.. clothe them.. read to them
and chat with them regardless if they were senile or in a comatose state.

Up to the point where we held the wake, prayers, and up till the send off
period... our children were a part of these in one way or another. My girl
said once, \"Mummy, you're so nice to her (great grandaunt) when
she was still alive... then when she fell ill.. and even when she couldn't
remember who you were and now she looks like she's smiling at you
when you kiss them for the last time. Goodbye grandaunt, i hope you
go to heaven and i will pray for you always..\" There were sobs heard
in the room when she said that. At that time she was only 4. Till today,
they do remember to include their prayers for all those they know who
have left us.

Much as i do not want my parents or in-laws to grow old and die alone
as if they didn't have a family... i hope my children & i can be as close
as we are now in happiness and in wealth, in sickness and in health till
i breathe my last breath. I hope i raise them well enuf to know that.

That's why i agree with the saying that it takes a village to raise a child.
No 350k or any amount for that matter can ensure, chop plus guarantee
a well raised child.

Hugs for you tam.. :hugs:

[buds]

smurf:

er, i very unfilial hor? i dun give allowance to parents. I tried to give mum allowance last time, but she dun want. she said i not working and give me back... :oops:


and then, when I give her ang pow on CNY, she give back the ang pow (in bigger sum inside)...

Happens with me too. :oops: They really really dowan and push away.
So, i use the $ meant for them anyway to take them out for nice makans
& outings and occasional prezzies. But festive $, i insist or i'd be offended.

Hmmmm... They will somehow try to give it back in one way or another
when i think of it now. :lol:

[buds]

jedamum:

tree nymph:

okok, point taken. But I don't think Tam say Independence is a bad thing or led the kids to be ingrate to their parents.


But in your earlier posting, where you think that staying with parents or parents-in-law has MORE to benefit for us, then i suggest you rethink about it. maybe you can talk to Jedamum, Mathsparks or even Buds to list a few...

ah....it depends on which point of view you see the issue from.
on the point of having peace of mind in emergency childcare and for us, home-cooked food-wise, yes, staying with my PIL greatly benefitted us.
on the point of learning to live independently, staying with PIL have handicapped us in this way. it is akin to asking a lion in the zoo, do you preferred a well-fed sheltered life or an adventurous and free life in the wild
so far, from the few backyard stories that i had heard, those couples benefitted from staying with their PIL....although if given an option, most DILs prefer to stay with their mums than MILs la.

Although we're under one roof with PILs, they get to enjoy my cooking.
Even when i was still working, i cook.

Emergency care we don't need cos we usually sort it between ourselves.
(hubs & i) Worst case scenario, my own parents. So, in our case
we sorta live independently are not handicapped in any way tho' we're
under one roof. They have the sheltered life if you ask me, not being
thrown in the wild to fend for themselves.

[cnimed]

Dear buds and Tam,

I believe your children will take very good care of you in your old age but not because you show them receipts, but because you have demonstrated that love and care to your elderly relatives and to your children.
I've read Tam's blog on the trips she took her dad on - it's One of the most moving blogs I've read.

I don't like The Giving Tree either, because I believe martyrdom is just another form of narcissim. I never saw that book as an analogy for a parent's love even though many do.

Tam, actually I've been to many funerals over the past five years. none of the parents were demanding, and indeed, some were quite irresponsible. But the children more than did their duty to the very last in tears. I think in death lies the ultimate forgiveness and redemption.

Maybe I'm too much of an optimist! I tend to see the good than worry about bad motives.

Last on books and the West, I think it's again too simplistic to generalise like that. (coincidentally I just borrowed Pinnochio today!) Their culture is different, but it doesn't mean they are indifferent. It's just that expectations are different and most pain and disappointments arise from unmet expectations. It's good that you are clear on your expectations.

[buds]

HyperKiasu:

tnx for sharing

actually i think if $ is the problem, solve it with $....
actually during my early marriage life, i also quarrelled with my DH over $ issue, but as time pass by, i learn to compromise and become less $ sensitive....

Maintanence $ is the least of the issues, HyperKiasu.

I'm speaking of $ problems related to gambling, excessive need to smoke
and drink, excessive need to charge credit to purchase tons of items and
this is something that cannot always just solve $ issues with well... money.

I dun quarrel over $ issues. Hubs is the one who gets into them for
insisting he has his own family to care for so while he still gives it may not
be everything he owns like when he was still single. Yah... everything. :lol:
Hence, since new family has come to stir old family.. :lol: ... of couse all
the buey-song-ness will trickle down to me a bit, but i try not to bother
abt these stuff. I let him deal with it. :evil: I'm in noooo position to even
interfere. :lol:

[buds]

deminc:

Maybe I'm too much of an optimist! I tend to see the good than worry about bad motives.

That is a good thing, deminc not a flaw definitely. :love:

Especially with family, there shouldn't be such worries of
bad motives or issues of calculativeness.

[tree nymph]

kaitlynangelica:

Buds and Tam,

I beg to differ. Yes I agree that children should never take anything for granted. I keep reminding my daughter that she is very very fortunate unlike the children in our maid's country who mostly don't have an opportunity for a good education. I teach her kindness through other methods like encouraging her to give away her old things to our maid or to share her things with others. I point out the less fortunate to her like the old man who has to sell tissue on the roadside. My aim is just to pass on the correct values to her, and not to reap something in return. Whatever is within our means, we will give to her.

I disagree with keeping all the recipts just to show them in future. From the day me and dh decided to have dd, we agreed that we will give her unconditional love without being calculative.

How would you feel if your parents fished out all the receipts or kept track of all the expenses that they had incurred over raising us? I would be hurt and disgusted.

Likewise, I just think that if we are calculative with them, they will be calculative with us in the future.

ok, i owed up. I kept the receipt from Guardian when I bought the test kit and thereafter, ALL the receipts from every single visits till i gave birth at the hospital and all the medical receipts and everything else. I plan to ask my kids to pay hb and me back AS SOON AS they start to work. Oh, you have to include compounded interest too and maybe I should also throw in the opportunity cost?? I wonder if each of my kids will be able to repay me every single cent in my remaining years....

:faint:

if I were to expect to take back anything from them, i might as well don't have kids and just park my money in the bank with a very low interest rate and go for tour/trips every other month!

Not one of our postings said that we will be using that receipts and ask money back from our kids. We are discussing methods to impart values that we treasure most to our kids. I really don't think any one of us here are using this as a method to get back their money spent on the kids. Anyway, I don't think the kids will ever be able to pay us back on what we have put in on them. Same for what our parents had done for us!

[buds]

dimsum:

All your girls are so 懂事! I will have to work on this blessing aspect with my DS so that he won't take things for granted.

None of us should take things for granted, yeah?

dimsum:

Thanks for sharing!

:hugs:

[buds]

tree nymph:

Same for what our parents had done for us!

Spot on, tree nymph! :celebrate:

And your post was funny! Sure lightened up my mood, sista! Tks.. :hugs:

[tree nymph]

buds:

Although we're under one roof with PILs, they get to enjoy my cooking.
Even when i was still working, i cook.

i don't cook. But we have two maids - one for the kids and one for my PIL. Both of them will have to share out the household chores and the maid serving my PIL will have to cook as well.

buds:

Emergency care we don't need cos we usually sort it between ourselves.
(hubs & i) Worst case scenario, my own parents. So, in our case
we sorta live independently are not handicapped in any way tho' we're
under one roof. They have the sheltered life if you ask me, not being
thrown in the wild to fend for themselves.

:hi5:

same here. In fact, my MIL can go out for tea, gatherings, and golf almost everyday and is really living it up as a true blue tai tai. While I was pregnant, she also didn't specially boil anything for me to drink or things like that. during my confinement, she does not lift a finger to help out to look after the kids, or go to market to buy fresh ingredients or did anything small thing like what most MIL will do.

For the record, and i can really stand up here and say it out for everyone to see, I have to buy everything in the house, from the toilet paper to replacing the washing machine. Even we i was 39 weeks pregnant, I still have to go to the wet market to get stuff for the dinning table, not to mention buying bags of 10kg of rice and bringing them back from the supermarket. So I drive, but i still need to lift the heavy stuff up and put into the car right. Even the fishmonger in the market told me how come i'm still doing all these stuff, how come my MIL didn't even help out? On the third day after giving birth, I'm back to supermarket and the wet market getting stuff liao!

But, when any one of my PIL is sick, I am also the one to bring them to see the doc. My kids entertain them so much that the house is deadly quiet without them around.

My PIL just plan their own time and enjoy their life. No worries. And if there are any emergency in childcare, my mum helps.

In my case, I really think that my PIL benefit from us staying with them MORE.