How to study hard and still enjoy childhood/teens years

[sharonkhoo]

bbbay\" post_id=\"2078726\" time=\"1660695553\" user_id=\"175278:

Hi parents

We have often heard students whom study hard hardly have time for leisure activities or students whom play too much and not motivated to study. Any insights to share, on how students can study hard and same time have fun childhood/teens years.

For the \"study too much to have time for fun\" kids: the main thing is to set realistic expectations according to the child's ability. If the standard is set higher than the child can manage, and he is expected to prioritise studies until he meets that standard, then he will never have time for fun. Another possibility is that some kids have their self-esteem so tied up in academic achievements that they choose to focus on that rather than have \"fun\".

For the \"play too hard and no motivation to study\" kids: it's possible that they have lost hope and decided that since the targets are impossible to meet, then they might as well not bother. Another possibility is that they are just too spoiled and don't know how to work hard to reach targets because they have not been required to build up good habits when younger.

From my own kids' experience (one a very high achiever, one who struggled a lot but did make it through university) - we tried to set reasonable targets according to their abilities, and also set aside a reasonable amount of time for leisure and fun - maybe an hour each day, plus at least a day over the weekend, as far as possible (about 80% of the weeks, I would say). Perhaps the weaker one could have done better if we had made her work harder, but probably at the expense of the mental health, which we were not willing to force on her. During long school holidays, we would allocate a week or more to completely \"no studies\", and just a couple of hours of study per day (this varies) for the the rest of the holidays. The details would change depending on what they got involved in, how much time they felt they needed to put in to meet their targets, etc. It was an ongoing conversation through their growing years. And as they got older, certainly by their teens, we shifted from \"parents require\" to \"parents advise\", with the emphasis on the kids developing self-motivation.

[lassie girl]

Will chime in with some thoughts. Have kids with different personalities in IP schools and hope to share some insights with fellow parents. Not GEP and we don’t believe in labeling them so young. Except for P5/6, holidays are free for play the moment their last exam paper ends, and weekends during school term are for play too except one month before each semester exam to do revision. This is not a humble brag post but merely to tell parents not to worry when your child seems to be hitting milestones slower than their peers. Whether your child eventually ends up in an o level or IP track, the idea is the same. Most importantly, don’t judge them prematurely and give them time to realize their own potential. During one of our many meal conversations recently, I was telling the kids that I am glad that they have thoroughly enjoyed their childhood while they are young, and yet still able to get in, and surviving well (mental health and results wise) in their schools - the best part for me is that they all agree with me wholeheartedly and said they had many fond memories of their childhood.


We are also glad that we didn’t give in to the pressures around us as they are growing up - eg to join neighbour A to hothouse them even before they start P1, or to feel pressured by relative B or friend C who told us their child has learnt this or that by similar ages as ours. But that’s not to say we throw caution to the wind about their studies. Academic achievements and good learning habits are celebrated and they are also encouraged to pursue other passion pursuits. Helping them look at the marks they have gained and not focusing on the marks they have lost will help them build their self confidence, which can help improve their love for learning. The other perk for the kids is that after having so much fun during their childhood years, now that the kids are older, they all agree that even if extra work is required now for their weaker areas, they have no complaints since they haven’t done all the mugging their peers did when they were younger. So glad when I heard that - there is no burnout when they don’t regard it as hard work because it is something they want to do, not what their parents forced them to do :evil:

Guide but don’t judge, lead but let them take charge. Gone are the days when strict parenting or authoritative parenting method work best. As a parent, we can and should command some authority as a parent at the appropriate time, but using our parents’ method to bring up our kids is definitely out-dated. Through setting realistic and manageable expectations (set these together with them), and letting them know u believe in them and will support them whichever way their results turn out, these children will find their inner motivation to succeed. Why? Because like it or not, their environment (school, peers, teachers etc) has already set the stage for a meritocratic education system, and even the most carefree child will feel some pressure and expectation in the system. We parents should be their last line of defence, to let them know they are doing alright and the most important thing in this educational journey is to keep learning, no matter how fast or how slow, and to never give up. Let them know we are their ultimate supporter and biggest cheerleader. :rahrah:

In today’s education system, there are many pathways to success - as long as one stays interested in learning. The late bloomer will exceed everyone’s expectations if u allow them to bloom only when they are ready. The early achiever will not lose steam half way if we let them rest and pursue other interests along the way, and help them find their suitable pace. They will find their pathway to success as they grow, as long as they continue to want to improve. Of course every parent should adapt their parenting approach according to each child’s personality and character as they grow. In order to do that, we must adopt a parenting style which will ensure continuous good relationship with them from young to their rebellious teenage years - so that they are still willing to communicate and tell us what’s going on in their social media world and how they are changing and developing.

Prioritize our relationship with our child, not their grades. Remember, our voices (and the guidance and advice we intend to dish out) will be heard only when our kids are willing to hear what we are trying to say - especially during those teenage years and beyond. Good luck! :boogie:

Article selected for https://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/article/how-to-study-hard-and-still-enjoy-childhood/.

[Imp75]

Thanks lassiegirl. Good post and I completely resonate. Do you sometimes feel that had you been a tiger mom, would you have made the kids realise their potential to the max rather than their current state? Sometimes I see Chen Xiuhuan and though I don’t like her parenting method, I do have to give it to her that she had groomed her girls well……

[sharonkhoo]

Imp75\" post_id=\"2078826\" time=\"1660781552\" user_id=\"2358:

Thanks lassiegirl. Good post and I completely resonate. Do you sometimes feel that had you been a tiger mom, would you have made the kids realise their potential to the max rather than their current state? Sometimes I see Chen Xiuhuan and though I don’t like her parenting method, I do have to give it to her that she had groomed her girls well…..

Jumping in here - I have always resisted being a tiger mom, and probably my kids have done less well academically than if I had. But I tell myself that they would have lost in other ways if I had groomed and hothoused more. There are other \"potentials\" to look at besides the academic and measurable skills. Overall, I am happy with my kids as they are now, and they are happy too, as far as I can tell. Given the limitations of time, talent and personalities, we can't groom them perfectly in all ways, and compromises have to be struck.

[zac's mum]

Throwing in another point of view. Feel free to agree or disagree:


https://i.imgur.com/BTdkDbI.jpg\">

[lassie girl]

I am not sure what CXH does to her kids or what her parenting style is. I am sure all parents know their own children best. The only thing we need to figure out is how to bring out the best in each one of them. I am also still learning on the job. Some parents may want immediate gratification as validation of their efforts. To me, parenting is a long game. Maximizing the child’s potential in academics today doesn’t guarantee success for them tomorrow, even less so in today’s world compared to our time. Not to mention there are so many other important values to learn and attributes like EQ and personal mental strength that will help them in their life later on. If we prioritize our relationship with our kids, we accumulate airtime with them and what we effectively earned is another chance to plant seeds of ideas in their minds. Success is always sweeter when the ambition is their own - don’t let them think it’s their parent’s idea. :evil:


I read this somewhere and really like it. Sharing it here:
See what your kids want, what their passion is, what they are good at, and what makes them happy. Allow their gift to reveal itself. Then support it. Tell them how proud you are of them for succeeding in their chosen path. And then tell them again and again, until you’re sure they believe it. 
They may not end up with a career you had in mind, but if they’re able to pursue their passion, they’ll be happy and fulfilled.

Good day ahead all! :boogie:

[bbbay]

But some parents may have the experiences of playing too much during schools days or from family that lack giving guidance to them. These parents may look back now and feel if only they study harder/someone guide them properly, they may achieved more today. And when they have children of their own now, they push the children academically harder so that their children “don’t suffer the same fate”. Then how for these parents?

[sharonkhoo]

bbbay\" post_id=\"2078869\" time=\"1660800383\" user_id=\"175278:

But some parents may have the experiences of playing too much during schools days or from family that lack giving guidance to them. These parents may look back now and feel if only they study harder/someone guide them properly, they may achieved more today. And when they have children of their own now, they push the children academically harder so that their children “don’t suffer the same fate”. Then how for these parents?

Balance! Either extreme is bad. It doesn't mean that if we focus on academics, the child gets no leisure; or if we let a child play, then we don't expect him to study. And parents need to understand (or be taught), that the balance differs according to ability, personality etc. Some kids can study hard and play hard, some have lower capacity for one or both. Some kids can take pushing, some can't.

[Nebbermind]

how do you define ‘enjoy childhood/teenage years’?