In-law problems?
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buds:
Buds, on one hand your BIL takes his wife and kids into consideration but on the other your hubby is left with the burden. Any chance of your hubby and his brother discuss, to shell out money to get them a studio apartment for the elderly ???Last heard, BIL is not keen to take them in. Finding many way outs and excuses. But i :salute: him for taking his wife and kids into consideration first ALL the time. He says, he must be able to handle his family first cos if they're not happy then he won't be either. Not having the parents in with them will help to avoid conflict. Having conflicts with his wife over them will definitely make him unhappy. Clever hor.. Mine wud rather i endure the conflicts & ensure they got a space to stay... even when it meant a very emotionally straining relationship.
Hubs never believes me when i'm sad things happen..
I sincerely hope hubs does not force me to take them in to stay with us
@ our new place cos i'm honestly done dealing with them.. i've had enuf.
I honestly cannot take any more.
Hope you and hubby can discuss this calmly and your hubby understands that you have put up with them long enough. -
janet_lee88:
Getting a HDB studio apt is not as simple as it seems. My parents and I were exploring getting a studio apt for them. They are currently living with my bro. But there are many rules and restrictions imposed by HDB. If not mistaken, I think it costs about $100+K and it's a 30years property. Also, cannot sell in open market. It goes back to HDB if the owner and occupier is no longer around. So, we dont get back what we paid. It's as if we are leasing the studio apt from HDB, or at least that's the impression we are getting. In the end, we abandoned the idea of getting them the studio.
Any chance of your hubby and his brother discuss, to shell out money to get them a studio apartment for the elderly ???
So, thot wait for HDB market to stabilise to buy a resale from open market. But with all these other new HDB rules in place, am very confused if I can ever help my parents get their own place. -
I heard that the studio apartment for senior citizens is just for 30 year lease. Resale flats are so expensive now, even a 3 room flat.
Hope buds will be able to find a solution soon. -
janet_lee88:
Very true. A 3 bedroom in Bedok was going for more thn $300k, asking $50K COV. :shock: Good grief!!I heard that the studio apartment for senior citizens is just for 30 year lease. Resale flats are so expensive now, even a 3 room flat.
Hope buds will be able to find a solution soon.
Oops, enuf about me. Hope Buds will be able to work something out. -
Just came across this thread and heard about Bud’s dilemma. Just wanna share my story.
I stayed with my MIL for 6 years after marriage. During that period, we had many big and small disagreements and every time, she insisted in having it her way and would say that she’s the elder and must respect and listen to her. Hubby turned "a deaf ear" to my "suffering", and always use the same excuse that she "is already old" and "may not live so long" so I should just give in.
Finally, the last straw broke the camel’s back and I suggested to live apart. Hubby used his same excuse again, but this time, I was adamant and I bluntly asked him to tell me "how long more" is he expecting to stay with his mum. I told him I had my life to live, and I’m not going to spend my life "suffering" under MIL (later kena suay suay I die of suffering whilst she outlive me!). Being filial is not having to stay together. She had stayed with us for 6 years, and now it’s my turn to have my life back. Hubby realised that he couldn’t change my mind, so he agreed.
MIL was furious and had a lot of complaining about me to relatives (as if I care!). For quite some time after we live apart, she continuously made sarcastic remarks directly at me during our visits. I "ren" and ignored that for a while. Finally, during a dinner when she again passed remarks, I explicitly hinted to her that I would no longer take any nonsense from her and if she does not know how to respect me, don’t blame me for "not giving face". I think at that moment she realised that she had no more "power" over me (afterall, if I can fight to live apart, why would I not dare to confront her?). She actually mellowed after that incident.
We have lived apart for more than 10 years since. Hubby still visit her at least once a week, whilst we visit on occasions and we are polite and respectful to each other. I am really glad I made that tough decision at that time and stood by it.
Buds, all the best to you and I hope you can lead the life you wish for your family. -
HB just said this coming Thur is his mum’s birthday and my SIL (HB’s sister) asked if we wanna go back for dinner…
oops, naughty me told HB to go ahead lor that is his mum…
me?? i will go home straight after work…
能免则免… i’m only short of saying ‘your mum dun wanna see me anyway and she forgot my daughter’s birthday too’… -
janet_lee88:
Buds, I would advise you to insist DH and his bro share the parents, if DH must have them stay with someone... well, at least it would be a week with you and a week with them. And the ILs will be able to see how \"bad\" the other daughter-in-law is... and not think you are the only one who has issues with them. My mom was the long-suffering daughter-in-law last time, my granny stayed 10 years with us and as she did not take turns with my 2 other uncles, my granny kept thinking my mom was the nasty one and sang praises of my uncles' wives. When my mom finally had enuff, my granny moved back to her own house (which my 3rd uncle lived in - weird isn't it?) and got chased to the back room by my 3rd aunt. It was only then did she realise how nice my mom was. My granny passed away a year later. Mom thinks it was becoz granny was isolated by 3rd uncle's family and not given due care (granny had many medical problems).Buds, on one hand your BIL takes his wife and kids into consideration but on the other your hubby is left with the burden. Any chance of your hubby and his brother discuss, to shell out money to get them a studio apartment for the elderly ???
Hope you and hubby can discuss this calmly and your hubby understands that you have put up with them long enough. -
cherrygal have a good point here.. ...
Buds should share their ILs with BIL...
Buds 10 years (already served), BIL's turn next 10 years.. ..
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Well, my own MIL has 2 sons and is a very serious woman. She didn't smile much at me when I was first brought to meet them. She doesn't laugh at my jokes (I'm not funny?) and I feel very stressed speaking to her. She's visibly much nicer to her younger son's wife. We have never lived together but visit almost every weekend. Things got better when I had my DS and at least we could talk abt the kid. But I could tell the difference in treatment when her younger son's wife recently gave birth. I happened to have my DD a month after that SIL gave birth to her boy. Well, focus was on that boy and at my DD's full month celebration, she kept praising that grandson (so big, eat so much, cute dimples and all), even to my own parents! Not once did she compliment my DD.
You could even tell the favoritism from the presents she gave... to look fair, she gave me exactly the same thing as what she gave SIL - a stroller and a basket of flowers. Why would I need another stroller when my DD can use those from my son? No thought was given for my gift coz she only wanted to buy that item for SIL. At my hospital ward, she sent a basket of assorted flowers. I was pleasantly surprised but then had my pride trampled on when she kept harping on the beautiful sunflowers she sent my SIL which she said SIL liked. She never asked me what I liked.
I have told myself to treat her like how SIL treated her last time. SIL only visited her on CNY (yes, once a year) whereas I went every weekend. So now, it is my turn to do that since she seems to favor the pple who ignore her. I am not bringing DD to visit anymore until next CNY. I have also cut down on the frequency my DS visits to reduce contact. I have no wish to bring my DD there to be compared to her fave grandson, whether subconsciously or not. He's huge whereas DD is tiny so there are bound to be comparisons.
I have also told DH (and I know he reads KSP.com) that should there be a day we have to look after our parents, my priority is my parents who sacrificed their time to take care of both our children. If MIL needs to live with someone, she should go stay with her fave son, fave DIL and fave grandson. -
buds:
Dearest buds,I'm so exhausted dealing with my ILs on a daily basis.
I cannot take any more excitement than i already have
the last ten years. I'm giving it my all..... all the strength
that i have left to pit for my happiness and i sincerely pray
hubs will stand up for US this time... stand for me and what
our relationship... what our marriage means to him. I want to feel
important and the centre of his life just like how he treats his mom.
I sincerely hope hubs does not force me to take them in to stay with us
@ our new place cos i'm honestly done dealing with them.. i've had enuf.
I honestly cannot take any more.
I was shocked and then kinda upset after reading your post. I was really rooting for you - that the tide has changed and that it was now moving in your direction.
I am also upset that you have to go through this at this point of time when you are preggers and the fact that you've had to deal with some 'scares' recently.
I am there for you all the way. I know at the end of the day, you know your ILs and DH best and that you WILL know how to deal with this horrible issue. Whatever it is, just don't cave in to their unreasonable demands.
And yes, take comfort in RRMummy's post. I love that poem that she posted. I have a bookmark of it. It has given me strength whenever I have been down.
Take care of yourself and the baby, my dear friend and sista. I will
even harder for you .....
:hugs: :hugs:
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