how to improve wife and my parents relationship

[kaitlynangelica]

I do not blame w_y_chung for being upset and considering a divorce.


Quite frankly, parents continue to be very important part after marriage. I will not tolerate any insults / negative comments to my family members from my spouse.

But I do think we need to find out the reason from his wife’s cold response to his parents before we can offer any advise.

[3Boys]

duriz:

3Boys:

Sheesh ladies,

aren't you all being a little one-sided here? It doesn't much for all of you to pile in with sympathy when one of your ilk cries 'in-laws!' in the other thread, but when you have a bloke here who cites a misbehaving wife, suddenly its all back on the bloke's parents!

I don't think anyone of us maligned his parents, him nor his wife :?

Tongue in cheek, my dear....

....but if you check the in-laws thread, I don't think many folk had to justify that their ILs were ogres, unlike our dear friend chung here who is being interrogated about whether HIS parents had somehow transgressed on his poor darling DW.

[duriz]

3Boys:

Tongue in cheek, my dear....


....but if you check the in-laws thread, I don't think many folk had to justify that their ILs were ogres, unlike our dear friend chung here who is being interrogated about whether HIS parents had somehow transgressed on his poor darling DW.

Orrrr.....
No lah.
My MIL is not an ogre.
She's a great Mom to DH and BIL.
A good wife to FIL.
And a great cook.

It's just she covets and mollycoddles DD too much.
But I do empathise with those who have very serious and upsetting IL problems.
People are people, it's tough call to say who's right or wrong.
But we can listen and share.

[MMM]

I only have 1 comment.


As potential MIL one day, I hope that we don't lose our son the moment he is married.

[3Boys]

duriz:

But I do empathise with those who have very serious and upsetting IL problems.
People are people, it's tough call to say who's right or wrong.
But we can listen and share.

Completely agree......and if I may add, not pass judgement too quickly too.

[w_y_chung]

Hi Jedamum,

jedamum:

i would like to say...leave your parents out of your decision on whether to stay married with your other half. what's life like without the 'parents-rejection-issues' that is as highlighted in your posts? if your grouse is for your other half's unwillingness to compromise on important issues without understandable reasons, you both's constant bickering over petty stuff, breakdown in communications etc, etc, try to examine what went wrong and work it through. And think about all the good times you both had had before pulling the plug.
good luck.

Thanks. Agree, I need to decouple the parents issue with marriage issue.
I am thinking about counseling but I am worried about even bringing this idea up to my wife.

[buds]

w_y_chung:

When we were dating, she always find an excuse to not meet with my parents.

w_y_chung:

At CNY, my parents was here to visit us. My wife refused to say happy new year to them.

w_y_chung:

Recently, during Skype on my father's birthday, I asked her to wish happy birthday to my dad. She refused. I repeated my request., She walked out on me saying stop forcing her.

From the brief sharing you have posted above, it seems that this has
been a long term issue with your spouse but may i just point out that
you did play a part in allowing it to deteriorate. I do not think such a
blatant form of disrespect should be tolerated from the beginning. It
also seems that you've been doing more of the giving in as well by
agreeing to her requests and forceful \"village attendances\".

I cannot see the reason why your spouse has this issue with just a
simple acknowledgment to your parents unless there had been an
issue or a misunderstanding that may have occured without your
knowledge.

w_y_chung:

We had a quarrel the day before already and certainly I was very upset and scolded her that night.

I would be upset too if i were you. You see, i have a different set of
problems from you. I acknowledge my ILs, i cook, clean the home, take
care of them when they're ill and take them out for makan & window
shopping, buy them stuff... (etc) but i have never been treated nor been
acknowledged as being a part of the family... i've always been treated as
an outsider, the she devil who stole their son away (despite staying with
them all these time.. :() I can empathise how your parents feel in your
instance. Not respected.. avoided.. neglected.. un-acknowledged.. not
important.. an outsider.

I think to have endured this issue up till now, you must've blown your top.
It is understandable.

w_y_chung:

It hurts me a lot to see my wife rejects my parents, whom are the people I love and they looked after me all these years. Now they live overseas (after I was married) - I can read between the lines when I talk to them they felt lonely, left out. I stress, it really hurts me to see this continue to happen.

I understand how you feel because in my situation i'm the REJECTED one.
I'm stressed and i feel extremely left out and i have honestly tried everything..

w_y_chung:

I've 'escalated' it to my sister in law (the eldest). But I doubt she can do much since relationship is a personal topic.

I can sense that you are trying ways and means to break through to your
spouse and this was one of the ways which may or may not reach your
spouse in the way you hope it to be..

w_y_chung:

How do I find out what she has against my parents?

I grew up with a very loving daddie, with whom i can never not talk to or
avoid for more than 3 days. It hurts. We love each other very very much.
Much to the envy of my husband. :politebleah:

When there are occasions that we argue about and feel unhappy about,
enough to warrant a day of silence, either one of us would take initiative
to break the silence by writing to one another. It used to start out with
letters during the old days when i was younger... then with sms-es... and
now we do that via emails even. :lol: The idea is never to leave unhappy
stuff left unsaid.. un-acknowledged.. left to dissolve without any closure..
So when we cannot talk, we write. We pen our feelings down.. to be
better understood without a high-pitch exchange of hurtful words.

w_y_chung:

Should I re-consider this marriage?

The issue with your parents and your spouse are two separate matters
since they (your parents) i assume, have never really interfered in the
matters of your marriage (since they've relocated after your marriage) or
cause & physical rifts to lead to your spouse and yourself having any
quarrels (apart from the obvious disrespect)...

Elders are still elders. Just like in my case, though i have never been good
enough in the eyes of my ILs to earn even a glimmer of their respect, i hv
maintained cordiality with them in respect to them as elders and also the
parents of my husband who directly have become my parents as well by
our union (parents in law)... regardless of their constant hostility towards
me..... for as long as i can remember..... and still counting.

You sound like an extremely tolerant, patient & understanding husband.
I sincerely hope you can come out of this situation unscathed (from the
wrath of your spouse) and also come to a solution to this unhappiness
you've been experiencing. Hope things will work out for all of you..

:hugs:

[dimsum]

A few mummies mentioned there must be an underlying reason for her to be behave so direspectfully towards chung’s parents. Well, I beg to differ. There ARE really some women who for NO reason, want to avoid any contact with their inlaws, not even once a year.


The 2 most extreme cases were shared by my girlfriends whose brothers were "gone" after marrying such women. Why I said "gone" because after marriage, they stopped visiting their own parents so as not to incur the wrath of their wives. One of my fren’s brother used to be the guai guai type and close to the parents and siblings. So my fren was very sad to see the change in her bro. For another fren, she chided her brother and he will turn up for his parents’ birthdays but the wife and children NEVER attend. It’s really sad…

[duriz]

dimsum:

A few mummies mentioned there must be an underlying reason for her to be behave so direspectfully towards chung's parents. Well, I beg to differ. There ARE really some women who for NO reason, want to avoid any contact with their inlaws, not even once a year.

Yes and no.
My SIL is one such example.
When my brother and her were dating, she would call the house asking for him:\"Mark please\". Not ONCE did she say \"Hi uncle or aunty\" if it were my parents who picked up the phone.
During their wedding tea ceremony, she greeted my parents as \"Uncle, Aunty chiak teh\" not \"Dad and Mom\".
I lived with my Mom until I got married two years ago.
My Mom now lives with them.
My SIL does not greet my Mom \"Mom, Good morning/night\", \"Mom/Hi I'm leaving for work\" nor \"Mom/Hi I'm back for work\".
Thus we need not even go into if she greets my Mom before meals.
So on and so forth....
But does she have an underlying reason?
Maybe.
Has anyone of us, particularly my brother asked her?
No.
I'm am being biased in this situation compared to being so vehemently against my MIL in the other thread?
No.
Like I've stated.
My MIL is not an ogre. She covets and mollycoddles DD too much. I need to police and correct that. Else, she is a great wife, mom and grandmother. And not too bad a MIL.
And my Mom and SIL?
No my Mom is not a long-suffering MIL (it's only been 2 years since they lived together and 13 years since SIL and my brother been married).
No my SIL is not a nightmare.
My only hope is for my brother to counsel his wife. Yes 13 years later is NOT too late.
In comparison, my Mom does not have may 13 years.

Couples need to talk to and support eachother.
When you take away all the other variables.
You are all you have left.
Parents (and PILs) will pass on, children will grow up and have their own families.
But you are eachother's life-partners.
That's IMHO.

[duriz]

LKVM:

Duriz ur post is very nice and an eye opener... I really pity ur mom

Thank you dear LKVM.
I guess we are all MILs in the making (whether on DS or DD's side).
I only hope that I do good by my child when my turn comes and exercise what my Mom preaches.
To be a \"ke ai lao ren\" i.e. to be seen and not heard.
It's easier said than done.