how to improve wife and my parents relationship

[w_y_chung]

3Boys:

Ask her, how would she feel if her future children-in-law basically cold-shouldered her?


Don't reconsider this marriage on account of this, but nonetheless, don't allow her to use that posture to bully and intimidate you, and stop you from confronting the issue.

Good idea, I pose her the question. I was thinking I use myself vs her parents but I was afraid she takes it as a threat / revenge from me. Future children-in-law is neutral.

Actually what shocked me was that her frequent use of 'reconsider marriage' (she did not say divorce). Makes me wonder how much confidence / respect she has on a marriage at times. But then, maybe just because she is angry at that moment and not choosing her words carefully.

[w_y_chung]

MMM:

I only have 1 comment.


As potential MIL one day, I hope that we don't lose our son the moment he is married.

haha. Even though my daughter is not even going to day care, I already thought about how I would behave when she brings home her boyfriend one day. hahahaha :?: maybe I am one of those nitpicking FIL :lol:

[sleepy]

w_y_chung:

qms:

Could thread starter have married the wife, thinking that she would change? :scratchhead:

Well, I thought over time she'll feel more comfy to talk to my folks.
Apparently I was too optimistic. Now I can only :?

Have you asked her directly what's bothering her?

My dh can ask me anything, I will share with him my inner most thoughts. Isn't communication the foundation for a good marriage?

[w_y_chung]

Hi Buds,


Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

buds:

may i just point out that you did play a part in allowing it to deteriorate. I do not think such a blatant form of disrespect should be tolerated from the beginning. It also seems that you've been doing more of the giving in as well by agreeing to her requests and forceful \"village attendances\".

Indeed. I did not know how to handle the situation right from the start.
In fact, I don't blame her for what happens now. Both of us 'worked together' to create this problem...
She might seem forceful on the 'village attendances' but I take it as how intense she values her family i.e. my in-laws.
What I want is to show her I have the same strong feeling towards my 'out-laws'... that's all I want her to know. not punish/blame her. no point. what happened has happened.

buds:

I acknowledge my ILs, i cook, clean the home, take
care of them when they're ill and take them out for makan & window
shopping, buy them stuff... (etc) but i have never been treated nor been
acknowledged as being a part of the family... i've always been treated as
an outsider, the she devil who stole their son away (despite staying with
them all these time.. :() I can empathise how your parents feel in your
instance. Not respected.. avoided.. neglected.. un-acknowledged.. not
important.. an outsider.

*pat on shoulder* you've done a lot and played your part already. It is sad to hear some how your in-laws cannot feel your sincerity and effort in becoming part of the family.

buds:

I can sense that you are trying ways and means to break through to your
spouse and this was one of the ways which may or may not reach your
spouse in the way you hope it to be..

sometimes I thought I can talk to my sister-in-laws better than with my wife. But then, more likely because there is a specific topic (e.g. trip) to talk about.

buds:

It used to start out with
letters during the old days when i was younger... then with sms-es... and
now we do that via emails even. :lol: The idea is never to leave unhappy
stuff left unsaid.. un-acknowledged.. left to dissolve without any closure..
So when we cannot talk, we write. We pen our feelings down.. to be
better understood without a high-pitch exchange of hurtful words.

I think this is where I failed badly. I do not dare to share my negative feeling completely with her at these incidents, and instead only had the argument with her, leaving her thinking I am being nasty to her but not knowing what was on my mind.

buds:

You sound like an extremely tolerant, patient & understanding husband.

If I am as understanding as your said, then I would have able to hold my temper and not scold her..... I never claimed I am perfect.

buds:

I sincerely hope you can come out of this situation unscathed (from the
wrath of your spouse) and also come to a solution to this unhappiness
you've been experiencing. Hope things will work out for all of you..

Thanks!

[w_y_chung]

duriz:

My SIL is one such example.

I do not want to comment on her behavior whether it is respectful or not to your parents. So please don't flame me if what I write below is hard to interpret and sounded like I criticize her.

Assumption: It could be her up-bringing that she was taught to behave this way. If so, it is not 'her' fault.

If your SIL however insists your brother to do all the things she does not do, then, I think there is an imbalance in the treatment / double standard and it also means she knows what should be done but not doing it.

[w_y_chung]

insider:

PS: My sister-in-law is similar to her. She is a very filial child but only to her own family. Everything about her own family she takes care till very well but everything about in-laws = can escape will escape. My in-laws are not monsters but kind old people whom my kids adore...

So I am not alone....

Come to think of it, the whole in-law thing is rather challenging.
Why I say that?
Nowadays we hear about generation gap between parents and children,
whom by right the parents already spent years installing the same values they believes into the children's mind.

Now we are talking about parent-in-law and children + their spouse.
Values of two families together with generation gap.

Geez sounds really blessed to have a happy setup

[w_y_chung]

markfch:

Reading about this thread made me realised how lucky I am that the two most impt women in my life got along just fine. DW will even accompany mum for facials & massages. On my side, whenever PILs invite me to their place for dinner, out of respect I'll always try my best to be there (even last minute ones).

I subscribe to the notion that our kids will learn from us on how we treat our parents. If we think it's ok to neglect our parents & PILs after independence, why would our younger ones think otherwise?

Really hope my ds will have the same good fortune as me

It is refreshing to read a good example here.

I don't see it is purely luck. You are playing your part too to show respect to your PILs.

Well done.

[w_y_chung]

janet_lee88:

Hi w_y_chung,

I urge you to find out the cause of this unhappiness. There must be a reason for this.

Yes will do so. trying to figure out a way - need to be cautious else I may end up making the matter worse.

[LOLMum]

w_y_chung:

It really beats me how she developed this idea towards my parents.
She avoided to meet them even before meeting them for the first time.

?

hi wy chung,

if my son's girlfriend cant be bothered to meet me and hubby, i would definitely have a word with my son. honestly, how could i approve or agree to having such a disrespectful person be part of the family.

i dont expect a made in heaven type of relationship with my future daughter and son in law but the basic respect and manners must be there.

to be involved in the lives of the family of only one partner is definitely unfair especially if the parents in law have not done anything to provoke this kind of behaviour from your wife. should there be any misunderstandings, it should be tdiscussed openly.

to threaten a partner with a divorce (regardless of a moment of anger or whatsoever) everytime is mental blackmail and a show of disdain to the marriage and spouse.

i hope you are not the only child but if you are and i am your parents,

wish you all the best in sorting out this issue asap.

[duriz]

w_y_chung:

duriz:

My SIL is one such example.

I do not want to comment on her behavior whether it is respectful or not to your parents. So please don't flame me if what I write below is hard to interpret and sounded like I criticize her.

Assumption: It could be her up-bringing that she was taught to behave this way. If so, it is not 'her' fault.

If your SIL however insists your brother to do all the things she does not do, then, I think there is an imbalance in the treatment / double standard and it also means she knows what should be done but not doing it.

No problem at all.
Since I've stuck my nose into your business already

SIL is very sweet and decent to her family.
And my brother participates in all their \"village activities\" without complaints.
My Mom and I only eat with the two of them twice a year: Mother's Day and Reunion Dinner. Both times AFTER their dinners with her family.
Even though they live together, the two of them do not share any meals with my mother any time nor any day of the year
DH drives DD to visit and spend time with my Mom every Wed.
Every Sat, I will do the same, including taking her out for dinner and shopping.

~ENOUGH~

Even as I write and read this, I get sadder and sadder