In-law problems?
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qizai:
I fully empathize with your situation.
Thank you for understanding my feelings. :hugs:
Coming from a guy... and also a husband at that too... i am heartened
to know that there are more husbands out there who do understand
what wives have to go through... & have that sense of empathy for
their spouses. Truly heartening..qizai:
Yes, very true. Someone has to give in.I feel that in the name of family harmony, sometimes one has to give in..
But there are limits to everything.
The limit is your own sanity.
So while my husband gives in and entertains his family's whims...
I, on the other hand give in to him but the only thing that really
disrupts my sanity is the fact that unlike you, he NEVER empathizes
with what i have to go through for him and his family... not verbally..
not physically.. not emotionally. And to think i have been here FOR
him all this time. Any feedback from my part will be taken negatively
and taken as petty complains against his family.. i'm very sad each
time he accuses me of this. I don't understand why after all this
time, he doesn't see that i am just human and all i ask if for some
understanding and some compassion... humour me a bit if have to
or immerse me in even more love... but no... that's not the case
and so now i have stopped hoping.
10 years is too long to hope for a miracle. I have to make things happen
for myself to preserve my own sanity. The fact that i am like 5mths
pregnant now also doesn't seem to bear that much weight..
(with my ILs)
qizai:
I see myself assertive but the point is my ILs have extremely strong personalitiesIt wouldn't help if one keeps on backing off, and the antagonizers only view this as weakness and an excuse to do it even more.
You probably need to assert yourself.
and if you as much as say a little something they always come back at you
with double the force and very quick too, plus on top of that they will deem
my retort as retaliation and a form of disrespect... and then it will spiral
again with the fact of how ill-bred i am. My parents are also like always
at the end of it all since they raised me.qizai:
I agree. All we need is some peace... definitely not all the never-ending crap.We gave $600 to them monthly even though it's financially hard on us in a single-income family.
We don't need gratitude, all we need is peace. But all we get is this shit.
$600 a month a sole income is a lot to give to your ILs. Does it mean you
also still give to your own parents as well a similar amount? Then, it IS
extremely taxing on you.
But at least you do give. Mine doesn't.
When i was still working up till my first child was about 2.5yrs old, i never
failed to give to my ILs as well and well i suppose that was too long ago
to recall to be appreciated. On top of that i give to my own parents as well.
I never forced hubs to give to mine cos i didn't want it to seem like i put a
gun behind his back to do so and then it would not be a sincere giving...
But he gives to his parents without fail during that time.qizai:
I was torn between trying to be the best juggler... best mom to my girls..My wife used to be guilt-stricken and torn between being a good mother and being a good daughter to the point of depression (She bore it all, and I bore it for her sake, even though I was a volcano wanting to erupt for years).
to being the best DIL i could and i had post-natal depression for my 1st
born. It was horrible. To make it worse hubs didn't believe in PND crap..
He just thought i was making it up.. MIL did nothing good except criticise
everything i did, from not having a bigger and longer nipple for my baby
to suckle properly... from having stale breast milk fed to her grandchild..
from poor parenting skills... sigh... you name it laa... i have heard it all. I
can never forget any of them. To which hubs always say, why can't i just
let go.qizai:
That's why after 10 yrs, though a little rusty... they are indeed still working. :evil:Sometimes if you don't flex your own nuclear warhead, people take you for a weakling and fire their Skud missiles at you everyday. Sometimes you need display of your own military might to keep the peace.
We had a brief run-in with MIL at a relatives house and the first thing she
did when she saw me, was roll her eyes at me. :whut: Under everyone's
watchful eyes this time, everyone told me to just concentrate on taking
good care of myself and my baby & try not to stress myself silly thinking
about her (which is truthfully a tad late laa..) but i appreciate their care,
concern and kind understanding. It is definitely felt even if not heard. :love:qizai:
That's why i posted a note of caution...I love peace, but I reckon a big fight is necessary in order to keep the peace. Irony, but applicable.
Hope that helps.
Beware of scalding. :evil: -
hquek:
hi qizai, it's impressive and amazing how you are supporting your wife in all this, and how it is HER mum that's giving her grief.
I fully agree with you hquek. :hi5:
It is highly impressive to note that this husband is a helluva support pillar
for his very fortunate wife. She is very very lucky to have you as her husband.
Ya, and some more she kena tekan from her own mother (his MIL).hquek:
Don't wish for something unknown! :!: It is VERY HARD work!I wish I am able to be SAHM - except that I won't last half a day (it's awfully hard work to stay at home, way harder than working)
It IS way harder than working. It is a 24-7 office you can't get out of
and not get leave from... provided your employer is very understanding. :lol:
Like they say, the grass ain't always greener on the other side.
Psst. I myself planning to make my appearance into the work force again.
There you are wishing to be be SAHM. :hugs: Well, we can't have it all
even if we wanted to, can we?
-
Latest update.
The ILs are now 'temporarily' putting up with BIL/SIL.
Why 'temporarily'.... :roll: They were told point blank
to move out the minute they hv secured their own crib.
So... who's the monster now huh.
And yet, the other day during our brief run-in she still
rolled her eyes at me but was on cool conversation
with SIL and BIL.. i reali dun geddit. Well, actually
i wud rather not geddit laa har. Wasting time.
She made some snide sarcastic remarks targeted at
me as well. SIL heard it too. She said MIL never DARED
do that to her. :!:
I went back feeling a little stressed... a little mad... and
more exhausted than i really was. Where was hubs during
the brief target session you might be curious.. coincidentally
having a chat with youngest BIL in one of the relative's room.
How convenient, aye?
PILs are complaining to hubs how uncomfortable they are there
& cannot wait to get outta there. :roll: Sigh... i tell you this issue
will revisit me again. -
Eeeeeyupβ¦ youβre right. Off our backs till then.
Harsh and i feel bad for saying it.
But sorry, cannot help it.
Iβve honestly had enuf.
Own crib shud be rental loh⦠-
buds:
This sounds very familiar. Don't understand why all these MILs can do is to criticize instead of making themselves useful. I don't have a good memory, so I put down those mean remarks made by MIL and the mean things she did in a Word document (the name of the doc is called \"The Witch\" as she resembles oneI was torn between trying to be the best juggler... best mom to my girls..
to being the best DIL i could and i had post-natal depression for my 1st
born. It was horrible. To make it worse hubs didn't believe in PND crap..
He just thought i was making it up.. MIL did nothing good except criticise
everything i did, from not having a bigger and longer nipple for my baby
to suckle properly... from having stale breast milk fed to her grandchild..
from poor parenting skills... sigh... you name it laa... i have heard it all. I
can never forget any of them. To which hubs always say, why can't i just
let go. Sad). Same as your hubs, mine always says it's no big deal whenever I complain to him. Of course it's no big deal as she's his mom and those remarks are not targeting at him :x See how he feels if my mom does the same thing to him.
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Wow! I raelly never expected MILs to be such difficult pple to live with.
Live with my MIL and we are get on really well! Dont have any probs at all only for the time when the confinement nanny was around after DS3 was born (1st time i actually saw my MIL so mad!)
Regarding $$, i am also glad both me and my DH are not partcular with $$. I give his parents $$ and although he doesnt give outright (his family dont have this habit), he doesnt mind paying for stuff for my family!
Ok - I have 3 boys! I hope my future DILs can get along with me!!
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buds:
To believe in that, and to work towards it, despite having no experience to begin with and in spite of many obstacles, makes you a truly great mother.
I believed that i can provide the best care at that time of my life for
both my children. It wasn't easy but i learnt as i went along. No amount
of childcare experience truly prepared me for what motherhood really was
until of course when the children were of pre-school age.
Like other moms i too, learnt from trial and error... books... elders...
friends' experience... internet... (etc). -
hquek:
Thank you....hi qizai, it's impressive and amazing how you are supporting your wife in all this, and how it is HER mum that's giving her grief.
I wish I am able to be SAHM - except that I won't last half a day (it's awfully hard work to stay at home, way harder than working)
I agree with you. At the end of the day, it should be our kids' upbringing and happiness that is at stake. So what if one has $1M at end of day if their kids turn out wayward; I rather have $1 and see my kids do well in life than otherwise.
Well, in my humble opinion, SAHMs struggle hard to justify their working hours to themselves, their hubbies, parents, friends etc...
It seemed that nothing gets done at the end of each day, and the fact remains that there's no benchmark for SAHMs, unlike working full-time while the work day ends at 5pm, and you get a paycheck that acknowledges your effort at the end of each month, and one can't argue too much with having money.
But for SAHMs, they can't really say \"Yes, I cooked a good meal today. Great job!\". That's not the end of the story, because kids get hungry a few hours later. There's no end of the story, it's never-ending... -
minnie2004:
I don't have a good memory, so I put down those mean remarks made by MIL and the mean things she did in a Word document (the name of the doc is called \"The Witch\" as she resembles one
).
Well, if I put down the mean things my MIL did to my wife on paper, it would be about as thick as Stephen King's latest horror novel.
But I don't wanna compete with Stephen King because I don't wanna put him out of business, and even he would cringe with horror at the contents of what I could have written.
Jokes aside, I have been trying to purge 6-7 years worth of bitterness from my system, because I realize there's no point in bearing too much grudges. It would only impact your own life in negative ways.
I have a good memory, so sometimes the fire :x in me burned at the years of injustice frequently.
I'll probably forgive my MIL when she's lying stony-faced face-up in a polished teak box. But why wait till then to be at peace with myself? Less bitterness, more peace. -
buds:
You are truly a remarkable mother with an extraordinary strong spirit.
Yes, very true. Someone has to give in.
So while my husband gives in and entertains his family's whims...
I, on the other hand give in to him but the only thing that really
disrupts my sanity is the fact that unlike you, he NEVER empathizes
with what i have to go through for him and his family... not verbally..
not physically.. not emotionally. And to think i have been here FOR
him all this time. Any feedback from my part will be taken negatively
and taken as petty complains against his family.. i'm very sad each
time he accuses me of this. I don't understand why after all this
time, he doesn't see that i am just human and all i ask if for some
understanding and some compassion... humour me a bit if have to
or immerse me in even more love... but no... that's not the case
and so now i have stopped hoping.
10 years is too long to hope for a miracle. I have to make things happen
for myself to preserve my own sanity. The fact that i am like 5mths
pregnant now also doesn't seem to bear that much weight..
(with my ILs)
ε€ζε ε indeed. (This means appears to be soft in demeanour, but actually very tough in spirit inside).
I have some guy psychology to share, and I hope it would help you (and others) too.
Sometimes when a MIL conflicts with the wife, the guy will feel stressed up. When a guy feels stressed up about a problem, he may not even know that he's stressed up. He only knows that there is a problem, and guys like to solve problems. Simple stuff like acknowledging feelings is hard, because it gets \"nothing\" done and does not \"solve\" the problem.
When a problem is too difficult to be solved (like siding who), the easiest way out is to conclude there's no problem. This is called self-denial. To conclude there's no problem, he has to tell one party that \"it's ok\", \"you'll get over it\", \"no big deal\", \"she's like that\", \"you're too sensitive\", \"just bear with it\" etc...
It's hard for guys to admit that there's a problem that we cannot handle. We prefer to live from day to day doing stuff we like and are good in, and believing there's no problem that's too difficult for us.
To tackle this, you need to \"train\" your hubby. You need a strategy.
Well, before I go on, for guys who think that I'm betraying my own gender, suggesting a guy to get training to meet his wife's needs is no different from training to run a marathon, or training to do a double step-over while running at full speed like Cristano Ronaldo, or training to get black-belt karate.
Nobody's born with any of those skills anyway.
1) When you confront your hubby with sentences like \"Your mum just said this...\", you're putting him on the defensive because what he's listening to is this \"Oops, my wife's complaining about my mum, and I have no solution at all. This is extremely uncomfortable for me\"...
2) To remove his defensiveness, you need to rephrase your sentences to emphasize your feelings e.g. \"I felt awful just now when I hear those words\"... Don't put the MIL's name even in the sentence. Chances are that he may still feel uptight, but at least he's not feeling that you demand that he side with you.
3) Tell your hubby that you need his acknowledgement of your feelings. Chances are that he will feel defensive again because he may think you are demanding that he side with you and therefore, go against his mum. Tell him that this is NOT what you want. You need an acknowledgement, that's all. The big question is HOW?
Here are some suggestions:
a) Make some acknowledgement slips, with the wording that \"I acknowledge my wife feels upset today\", and have him sign it. You can improvise it like a child's excursion consent form. Haha...
b) Get a piggy bank. Tell him that everytime he thinks his mum mistreat you, he is to drop a coin or note into the bank. And the money in there goes to both of you for couple stuff...
All these may seem childish and crude, but you know what. When we guys have something to do to show that we are solving the problem, we feel much better. We like to make our wives feel better, and if there's a way, even if it seems silly, we'll do it.
Very importantly, show your appreciation that he's trying to make a change too.
And most importantly, tell him that it's between the two of you only, of course.
Hope that helps.
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