In-law problems?

[autumnbronze]

qizai:

I have some guy psychology to share, and I hope it would help you (and others) too.

Sometimes when a MIL conflicts with the wife, the guy will feel stressed up. When a guy feels stressed up about a problem, he may not even know that he's stressed up. He only knows that there is a problem, and guys like to solve problems. Simple stuff like acknowledging feelings is hard, because it gets \"nothing\" done and does not \"solve\" the problem.

When a problem is too difficult to be solved (like siding who), the easiest way out is to conclude there's no problem. This is called self-denial. To conclude there's no problem, he has to tell one party that \"it's ok\", \"you'll get over it\", \"no big deal\", \"she's like that\", \"you're too sensitive\", \"just bear with it\" etc...

It's hard for guys to admit that there's a problem that we cannot handle. We prefer to live from day to day doing stuff we like and are good in, and believing there's no problem that's too difficult for us.

To tackle this, you need to \"train\" your hubby. You need a strategy.

Well, before I go on, for guys who think that I'm betraying my own gender, suggesting a guy to get training to meet his wife's needs is no different from training to run a marathon, or training to do a double step-over while running at full speed like Cristano Ronaldo, or training to get black-belt karate. Nobody's born with any of those skills anyway.

1) When you confront your hubby with sentences like \"Your mum just said this...\", you're putting him on the defensive because what he's listening to is this \"Oops, my wife's complaining about my mum, and I have no solution at all. This is extremely uncomfortable for me\"...

2) To remove his defensiveness, you need to rephrase your sentences to emphasize your feelings e.g. \"I felt awful just now when I hear those words\"... Don't put the MIL's name even in the sentence. Chances are that he may still feel uptight, but at least he's not feeling that you demand that he side with you.

All these may seem childish and crude, but you know what. When we guys have something to do to show that we are solving the problem, we feel much better. We like to make our wives feel better, and if there's a way, even if it seems silly, we'll do it.

Very importantly, show your appreciation that he's trying to make a change too.

And most importantly, tell him that it's between the two of you only, of course.

Hope that helps.

Hi qizai,

Thanks for sharing this. :goodpost:

This response of your stuck a chord in me. Hence, just feel like in the mood to share some personal experiences.

It took me some years before I 'hit a lightbulb' and realized that I needed to change my strategy to get my DH understand that there were certain things that MIL said or did that upset me. I have kinda picked up some of the stuff that you mentioned over the years and I do see a difference in DH's response.

I am not perfect. And what is worse that I tend to be very emotional. I still am. I let it out by shouting ... which DH doesn't take too kindly to. He shuts off. So I have had to resort to this method of finding 'the right time and place' to speak to him about stuff. Its very very hard, because being an emotional person, thats the biggest obstacle that I've had to deal with.

I have mentioned before I don't have major problems with my MIL. But what I did not mention is that she has betrayed me once (that is enough) that really made me come to the conclusion that when push comes to shove, most MILs can never treat their DILs as their DDs. Even if they are nice to their DILs, most probably its because they see their DS is happy in his marriage that is the impetus to treat their DILs nicely. Of course there are the exceptions ... MILs who are really nice at heart.

I don't talk about the past too much cuz its too painful. Painful because if you all know my history with my parents, particularly my mom, then you can understand that I latched on to my MIL even before I was married to my DH and likewise on her side as she had no daughters. I was with him for 8 years before we tied the knot. Actually I was her pillar of support (another long story) when DH was away studying for some years when she should have been mine (I mean, what are the chances of a son cheating on his own mom, right :roll:) But one incident happened about a year before we got married that really put things in perspective for me. And thats when I had this big \"OIC\" moment.

I have always been positive in in my posts pertaining to my MIL, but its only because I have managed to reach some kind of fine balance as to how to deal with her/the situation. Because right now what matters most to me is that ILs do play a part in taking care of DS, even though I may disagree on some of their ways, the point is that they genuinely love DS. And that is what I constantly remind myself whenever I am about to reach to the 'cannot tahan the way they treat DS' point. For instance, they have ever, in the midst of me reprimanding my DS, interrupted me by going over to him and sayang-ing him. What did I do? I just waited and (outwardly) coolly continued with my reprimand when they were done, making sure to remind him nicely (so as not to sound disrespectful towards ILs) that what happens here only happens here (the sayang-ing part). Are they being disrespectful towards me??? According to DH, they were VERY strict parents with him and his 2 brothers, esp his dad, who had a temper. So what happened? He theorizes that age has 'softened' them emotionally. What was my response? I have to accept it. Cuz in a way, DH's theory does make sense and I don't know if I will be in the same boat as them when I grow old and have grandkids.

But like as Insider mentioned in the other thread, I have chosen to put aside all the hurt and move on. Why, because there are bigger things to worry about (for me that is). Like whether CAN/WILL I ever have a second child?? That I MUST at all cost bring up my DS to the best of my ability so that he is morally upright and responsible. That life is too short and I WANT to live mine to the fullest even though there are many things that I want to do but probably never will. That no matter what, my MIL brought my DH up and if I had never met him, God knows what kind of LIFE would I be leading right now (btw, DH is not perfect too, in fact lately we've been having comm problems regarding bringing up our DS as we both have different parenting styles).

Most importantly, I have been to my own brand of hell and back even though I have never openly talked about it seriously. So for me, at the end of the day ... I chose to make my bed and lie on it the way I feel comfortable. This is the same philosophy I am inculcating to my DS - \"Life is mostly full of choices and once you choose the path, you have to deal with whatever outcome that is thrown at you\"

With regards to my DH's stand in the way my mom treats me. Well, he says that she's old and that I've all she has in times of need and that I should just try to do my part so that my conscience is clear. All this despite the fact that he has seen me in tears, stressed, upset (even during my pregnancy when I had strict orders from gynae not to get stressed etc ....). And you know why??? Because she is really nice to him. Its only recently that he has began to see her other side, only because DS is involved. He has come to the realization that she doesn't really have that 'grandmotherly' maternal instinct towards DS when all these years I have been saying that she's been like that to all her grandkids.

Anyway as mentioned in my other posts, I do try to be as filial as I can. But its really getting harder and harder. I have to brace myself harder, remind myself constantly not to give up on her ...... because I have to be a positive role model for my DS too.

Afterthought: For my case, I realize that how my DH treats me is a reflection of how he was brought up by his own mother (and father) .... if you know what I mean.

Afterthought 2: Lest I have miscommunicated, what I meant in my first Afterthought (and positively) is that DH is able to love me the way he loves me ie being very very giving is because thats the way he's been brought up. But that doesn't mean that he doesn't have any expectations. Most of them I have tried to fulfill, those that I am still trying is not because he is unreasonable, but only because its the way I have been brought up ie sins of the mother perhaps???

Currently, our different parenting styles are my main grouse. But again, he's only being the kind of parent that, to a certain extent, his parents were ie overprotective, very loving and giving etc .... For instance, while I see my DS as not being so adventurous for a three year old in the playground, DH says he is just being cautious and is teaching him the concept of taking calculated risks. Aren't we both right in this instance?? When my MIL tells me not to scold DS, let it be, I tell her that someone has to be the 'bad' one around cuz in life, chances of DS encountering/dealing with really nice people well ... almost zilch. And he has to learn to deal with it, its all about human relations. My FIL interjected and said \"but he's still young lah ...\" I don't know whether to :lol: or I suppose you can infer that I am the 'have to be cruel to be kind' sort of parent by now.

For me, the journey of being a reasonably good wife has been hard, even harder than being a good DIL, because I have my DH's support in this. But by far, the hardest has been to be not just a parent/mother to my DS, but a damn good parent/mother at that. Which means that even when I am cross at my DH for not conforming to our agreement as to how certain situations shd be dealt with, with regards to DS, I ABSOLUTELY cannot take it out on him in front of my DS there and then. The last thing I ever want to do is to inflict some sort of indelible psychological/emotional scarring .....

The good news is - at least I got an A rating for being a good mother :rahrah: while its still WIP with regards to being a good wife

[buds]

My dearest qizai and autumnbronze... both of what you have shared

have struck many many chords in me today. Feeling emotional myself
as well and have more to share but i hafta go soon. Will sleep on it &
hope i can compose myself better for tomorrow's bout of sharings..

In the meantime i just wanna hug you both.

:hugs: :hugs:

[DesertWind]

Dear Qizai,


When at the initial marriage stage me & MIL had some \"teething problems\" with each other, I saw how my DH & FIL reacted - both couldn't scoot away fast enough and act deaf and dumb. See no evil hear no evil!

So anything I have to deal with MIL myself. Since both of us ladies got no male support, the \"fight\" is no longer fun anyway so we got to \"gao tim\" ourselves.

Right now, we leave each other alone and relationship is cordial and relatively trouble-free.

Thanks for your wonderful sharing from a guy's point of view!
:celebrate:

[DesertWind]

Thanks Autumnbronze,


Feeling choked and emotional about your posts but really admire your sanity!

Thanks for sharing!
:celebrate:

[autumnbronze]

DesertWind:

Thanks Autumnbronze,


Feeling choked and emotional about your posts but really admire your sanity!

Thanks for sharing!
:celebrate:

Thanks for lending me your eyes (and not ears ) DesertWind :hugs:

Guess I just felt in the mood for unloading.

I remember I used to be the \"Auntie\" during sch days when friends scuttled over to me to confide their deep dark secrets

Anyway, I have just edited my post lest I have miscommunicated in the midst of unloading .....

[buds]

You needn't hafta edit your post honestly sista.

Whatever you wrote the first time around was
honest sharing and extremely heartfelt... yes,
i could feel you. :snuggles:

[schweppes]

autumnbronze:

..... just feel like in the mood to share some personal experiences.

Thanks for your heartfelt sharing, xiaomei :hugs:

autumnbronze:

..... there are bigger things to worry about (for me that is). ......

Most importantly, I have been to my own brand of hell and back even though I have never openly talked about it seriously. So for me, at the end of the day ... I chose to make my bed and lie on it the way I feel comfortable. This is the same philosophy I am inculcating to my DS - \"Life is mostly full of choices and once you choose the path, you have to deal with whatever outcome that is thrown at you\"

:hi5:

Definitely agree with you on this one. There are bigger things to worry about, and I try not to sweat the small stuff.

autumnbronze:

The good news is - at least I got an A rating for being a good mother :rahrah: while its still WIP with regards to being a good wife

Yup... we are all work in progress

[DesertWind]

autumnbronze:

Thanks for lending me your eyes (and not ears ) DesertWind :hugs: .....

Hi autumnbronze,

I am lending not only my \"eyes\" but \"heart\" too, sista!

This thread runs too fast for me to read everything but sometimes came across some heart-felt sharing by established members so took the effort to read and feel along too!

As for who should be the \"bad\" one in our household? My son has also just turn 3 yo (and yes I am also wondering whether I CAN have a 2nd one too!) and everybody give in to him.

Who is going to do the disciplining if not me? My PILs are certainly not going to do it! My maid NO NO, my hubby so soft-hearted could not bear lay a finger/raise voice at his first-borne. So left to MUMMY (me! ) to do the \"piak piak\"!
:spank:
The only concession I promise my hubby is that I will not buy a CANE. So now I use my hand slap on his thigh when he got too fussy. It works, stop his nonsense immediately! Hubby :x but no harm done to my DS. In fact DS will cling to me after I \"piak, piak\" him because he knows mummy is very angry with him!

But pray lah, hor, that both of us do not take this as an excuse and vent our frustrations on our boy. Sometimes \"piak, piak\" him and doing some shouting can be a stress releaser.... :!:

:celebrate:

[qizai]

autumnbronze:

With regards to my DH's stand in the way my mom treats me. Well, he says that she's old and that I've all she has in times of need and that I should just try to do my part so that my conscience is clear. All this despite the fact that he has seen me in tears, stressed, upset (even during my pregnancy when I had strict orders from gynae not to get stressed etc ....). And you know why??? Because she is really nice to him. Its only recently that he has began to see her other side, only because DS is involved. He has come to the realization that she doesn't really have that 'grandmotherly' maternal instinct towards DS when all these years I have been saying that she's been like that to all her grandkids.

Anyway as mentioned in my other posts, I do try to be as filial as I can. But its really getting harder and harder. I have to brace myself harder, remind myself constantly not to give up on her ...... because I have to be a positive role model for my DS too.

Afterthought: For my case, I realize that how my DH treats me is a reflection of how he was brought up by his own mother (and father) .... if you know what I mean.

Afterthought 2: Lest I have miscommunicated, what I meant in my first Afterthought (and positively) is that DH is able to love me the way he loves me ie being very very giving is because thats the way he's been brought up. But that doesn't mean that he doesn't have any expectations. Most of them I have tried to fulfill, those that I am still trying is not because he is unreasonable, but only because its the way I have been brought up ie sins of the mother perhaps???

Currently, our different parenting styles are my main grouse. But again, he's only being the kind of parent that, to a certain extent, his parents were ie overprotective, very loving and giving etc .... For instance, while I see my DS as not being so adventurous for a three year old in the playground, DH says he is just being cautious and is teaching him the concept of taking calculated risks. Aren't we both right in this instance?? When my MIL tells me not to scold DS, let it be, I tell her that someone has to be the 'bad' one around cuz in life, chances of DS encountering/dealing with really nice people well ... almost zilch. And he has to learn to deal with it, its all about human relations. My FIL interjected and said \"but he's still young lah ...\" I don't know whether to :lol: or I suppose you can infer that I am the 'have to be cruel to be kind' sort of parent by now.

Hi autumnbronze, thank you very much for sharing.

Grandmothers pretending to be oh so caring about their grandchild (by saying this saying that) but when it comes to the crunch, they behave otherwise, is something i'm also very familiar with over the past 7 years.

The feeling of being betrayed by someone whom u think is a confidante (whether he/she's a mother, MIL, friend etc) tastes very awful. I've had that too.

Just like to share something about child discipline.

My wife feels that in no way, should she or I contradict each other in front of my son when he's being disciplined. And I agree with her wisdom. Before that, I often like to contradict. She's a much better parent than I do in terms of such stuff, and I open my ears wide wide to listen to her.

The child would get confused what the final message is. And it would all be a waste, because it would be neither dad's message nor mum's message. Waste of effort and time for parents and child, as well as waste of opportunity to impart a good lesson.

If one parent did it wrong, then just let it pass. Never say \"you're wrong to discipline the child\" in front of him/her. Discuss afterwards instead.

As for meddlers who want to score points with the child while he/she's in distress when dear mum/dad is teaching life lessons, tell her to go fly kite!

As for different parenting styles, well, I think it is possible to discuss and reach a compromise. Dear daddy doesn't want his son to fall down, break an arm and get phobia after tat until 21. But dear mummy wants him to be brave, enjoy the fruits of his courage, and gain confidence gradually. There's a middle ground somewhere!

Lastly, I don't agree with the bad guy/good guy in parents. I'm both the bad guy and good guy, and so is my darling wife, to our son. When we leave the disciplining only to one party, sometimes he/she cannot cope, is too exhausted.

After scolding my son for stuff, I typically tell him he's a good boy in spite of all that, and encourage him to better himself next time.

Thanks for listening.

[qizai]

Hi all,


Thank you all for your positive affirmation.
I gather that I’m on the right track, but there’s still plenty more to learn as a parent and husband.