Asian Mums are more SUPERIOR?
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MMM:
A paper that is so easy that she is definitely capable of but yet did badly due to carelessness and complacency :stupid: . I always emphasize to her that I can accept if she don't know but I cannot accept careless mistakes.
Bullseye!!! That is exactly how I feel.
Imagine, English cloze passage. All the helping words were given and she can spell it wrongly. All because she complacently thought she knew how the spell the word and did not bother to refer to the helping words nor did she check her work thereafter. Math, all her workings were correct but when she wrote her answer in the blank given, she transcribe the wrong numbers. Missing out a whole page of questions.
DH actually tried to smoothen things over during one session where I was really leaning into her and she appears so totally remorseful by saying it's ok, it's just carelessness, not that she doesn't know, just have to be more careful next time. Boy did I go ballistic, not on DD but on DH.
In order to get father and daughter to understand, I pulled out $100 and a dustbin. For every careless mistake that cost her marks, I threw the equivalent amount of money into the dustbin. Well with that comparison, father very quickly grasp the concept. But for DD, after throwing so much away I still have like $80, which to her is still a lot of money, so no biggie. :stupid:
I think for at the end of the day, do we dare to gamble that they will one day wake up and straighten out. Or do we leave no stones unturned so that we can say we have done our part, the rest will be up to them.
And as parents, we will always be 2nd guessing ourselves. Asking if we have done enough or did we do the right thing. Are we too harsh, too lenient, too kiasu, not kiasu enough, the list goes on.
It is a journey of learning and discovery and we can only hope that the mistakes we make are not disastrous. -
Funz:
For my girl, she is P4 this year. She knows my sore spot is still the SA2 maths paper and everytime we talk about it, I would tell her that I am still sore about it. I don't like to hide my emotions/ disappointment. It cost her the 3rd position in class and a chance to go up the stage to get an award. She was just so close and I really wished that she could experience that and with that build her desire to achieve because she feels good to be in that position... I just have to admit, I am a \"tiger\" mum.I think for at the end of the day, do we dare to gamble that they will one day wake up and straighten out. Or do we leave no stones unturned so that we can say we have done our part, the rest will be up to them.
And as parents, we will always be 2nd guessing ourselves. Asking if we have done enough or did we do the right thing. Are we too harsh, too lenient, too kiasu, not kiasu enough, the list goes on.
It is a journey of learning and discovery and we can only hope that the mistakes we make are not disastrous.
I recalled that it was not 20 cents but $1 dollar for every careless mistake she made eg. not adding correctly, etc... . So she gave me around $10.... Big amount to her since she is $ conscious. Hopefully she learn this time round.
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rosemummy:
I get your point , rosemummy - different strokes for different folks - yes..But some kids just don't care if they fail a few tests. Actually, I'm not sure what you can do with such kids apart from pushing them when they're younger. If they remain the same when they're older, I'm not sure if anyone can help them.
I feel motivation is the keystone. If your child should have a desire to do well, even if he or she is lazy.
If that basic need is not there, then the child will not consider a low low mark as failure.
Remember he never wanted it in the first place, so it may be failure to us but not to him. This method is of no point then.
If they are in the mode- dont care , dun mind being sweeper (another comparison that i detest, but thats another story), then something else needs to be done to break into what matters to the child and connect.
And imho, unless there is a great emotional turmoil within the kid, there is always a desire to achieve something within us. To pull that out is going to be hard, and needs strength and patience, lots of it, but can be done. One day. That is the main help – nothing else would matter.
Many of us parents (especially in this forum) find it hard to restrain ourselves . From day1 ( some even far before it ) start preparing our kid. Kids doing assessment books 1 or 2 yrs ahead is common - not bcos the kid is motivated to do it but bcos of us parents feel it necessary. Study Schedule prepared by parent independently and constant monitoring, All the child has to do is follow instructions. If he/she rebels, is lazy , Mommy is there to nag, bribe, scream and anyhow strictly enforce it.
And volia, wonderful results 100%. So how? How much marks to mommy and how much to child?
I think the gist of what Chenonceau advice is that if the child dissent let him/her. And be there to support when results turn out to be not so good.
Give them hope they can with a bit of hard work. And now you are a team - they works with you not bcos they have to. A world of difference.
Its not easy to take it when kids do badly - We get emotional, tell our kids \"I-told-you\" ,scold, scold some more, set up a strict regime, spend sleepless nights worrying...
And in the process - alienate the child. We need to be prepared too to handle the child so that they learnt from it, and this takes effort too.
End of the day , what matters ?
1. they did no mistake
2. we did no mistake
3. They turned out right
Can we rest in peace by saying its not my fault, i tried so hard? -
rosemummy:
Yes if you want to get into the popular courses, then kids must be prepared to work hard. But for average kids, getting a degree in any course, even Arts, is good enough. When they come out to work, there are still lots of chances to do well in life. It is not realistic to push an average kid to get all As in order to get into medicine, law, etc.Even at NTU, you'll need at least 2 Bs and 2 Cs for the least competitive courses. With such grades, the choices are really limited. The only course that take in a student with 2 Cs and 2 Ds is Art, Design & Media, which probably require more creative flair and academic.
Getting 70 to 80 at O or A level is a good B or an A, and there should not be much to worry about. But getting this mark in lower primary would be worrying. In the US system, even at university level, a mark of between 70 to 80 is a C. If you get straight Cs for all your subject, you can barely get your degree.
Why should parents be worried if kids get 70-80 marks in lower primary ? Many kids are late developers, they can catch up in secondary school. Even if they end up in an average secondary school, they can still get straight As at O levels. -
rosemummy:
rosemummy,
tamarind, what do you think a parent of such kids can do at that stage?tamarind:
The reality is that I have encountered so many smart kids who ended up in poly. Even when they failed a module twice and will definitely be kicked out of poly without a diploma, they still didn't want to study. These kids have no idea what life will be like with only O levels cert. The fact is that in Singapore, unless you are rich and can afford to go overseas, you will never have a chance to get back to poly or university if you failed. As parents, do we really want our kids to face this type of consequences ?
Honestly, nothing can be done for kids above age 16. Even if we stop giving them luxuries, they can just go out and find a part time job and buy what they want. Whatever we do, we must do it when kids are still young.
I know so many students who failed many modules, and they are still enjoying life. The problem is that they believe that their parents can always support them. They have never experienced hunger before.
I told my kids that I will only support them until they finish university. After that, I will disappear. They must work to support themselves, do not expect anything from me.
Kids must be taught the harsh reality of life since young. -
rosemummy:
They will definitely not learn the consequences. I know many students like that. In fact, they failed so many times, they believe that they are not capable to do well, and they simply give up trying. It is sad because I know that they are actually quite smart.If they're only allowed to fail when it's \"safe\" to do so, do they really learn the consequences? I suppose most kids, if they're reasonably responsible would. But some kids just don't care if they fail a few tests. Actually, I'm not sure what you can do with such kids apart from pushing them when they're younger. If they remain the same when they're older, I'm not sure if anyone can help them.
Instead of pushing the kids to be more hardworking, one method is to establish a routine to study. For example, if we start to train a child to read for 30 mins since 3 years old, it will become a habit like brushing teeth everyday. He will feel uncomfortable if he does not read. The second method is to remove all distractions, especially computer games. Without distractions, the child will find that studying is the most interesting thing to do. I feel that these methods are better than to allow the child to experience the consequences of failing a test, even if it is safe to fail.
However, if nothing works, then I am prepared to remove all luxuries and provide only the basic needs. Give small rewards only when the child puts in hard work. This works best when the child is young. -
tamarind:
Not advocating that we push an average student to get As or to do Law / Medicine. Just saying that having Cs and Ds, or even Bs and Cs, don't give you much options in the local unis. If a child has to do a course he has no inclination in, because that's the only course he can get into, he can be really unhappy. But then again, if you're talking about doing well in life / work, you don't necessarily need a degree or diploma. There're no lack of people doing well in sports, the arts or as chef, hair stylist, make-up artist etc. Many of these people can be wealthier than the average graduate if you use wealth or income to benchmark success. And there're also many non-graduates in sales, be it property agent, insurance agent or remisiers, with very high income.
Yes if you want to get into the popular courses, then kids must be prepared to work hard. But for average kids, getting a degree in any course, even Arts, is good enough. When they come out to work, there are still lots of chances to do well in life. It is not realistic to push an average kid to get all As in order to get into medicine, law, etc.rosemummy:
Even at NTU, you'll need at least 2 Bs and 2 Cs for the least competitive courses. With such grades, the choices are really limited. The only course that take in a student with 2 Cs and 2 Ds is Art, Design & Media, which probably require more creative flair and academic.
Getting 70 to 80 at O or A level is a good B or an A, and there should not be much to worry about. But getting this mark in lower primary would be worrying. In the US system, even at university level, a mark of between 70 to 80 is a C. If you get straight Cs for all your subject, you can barely get your degree.
Why should parents be worried if kids get 70-80 marks in lower primary ? Many kids are late developers, they can catch up in secondary school. Even if they end up in an average secondary school, they can still get straight As at O levels.
In primary school, most kids' marks will drop as they progresses. In P1 / 2, it's easy for a child to score 95 and above if they don't make any careless mistakes. To lose 15 to 25 marks due to careless mistakes is worrying. And if a child can't do 20 to 30% of the questions at P1 /2, there may be a problem in understanding / concepts which can be an issue later on as what they're going to learn builds on those concepts. There're exceptions, but it's really quite rare for a child scoring 70 to 80 in P1 / 2 managing above 80 in P6. Most with such marks in P1 /2 will end up with an average of less than 70%, or below 200 for PSLE. Nothing wrong with that if that's what the child is capable of, but it's best if the parents address the causes for such low marks early. -
Sun_2010:
Actually, my thoughts / posts was as a result of a recent discussion I have with a friend who's a HOD in a neighbourhood secondary school. She was telling me that there're kids who just can't think rationally and according to some studies, most (if not all) of them had always been poor in Maths. They just can't see the seriousness of the consequences, and don't care. The school can try every means to help them, but can't. The worse thing to happen is the negative influence they have on the rest of the students. Just like to see if anyone in this forum has some ideas what to do to help such kids.
I get your point , rosemummy - different strokes for different folks - yes..rosemummy:
But some kids just don't care if they fail a few tests. Actually, I'm not sure what you can do with such kids apart from pushing them when they're younger. If they remain the same when they're older, I'm not sure if anyone can help them.
I feel motivation is the keystone. If your child should have a desire to do well, even if he or she is lazy.
If that basic need is not there, then the child will not consider a low low mark as failure.
Remember he never wanted it in the first place, so it may be failure to us but not to him. This method is of no point then.
If they are in the mode- dont care , dun mind being sweeper (another comparison that i detest, but thats another story), then something else needs to be done to break into what matters to the child and connect.
And imho, unless there is a great emotional turmoil within the kid, there is always a desire to achieve something within us. To pull that out is going to be hard, and needs strength and patience, lots of it, but can be done. One day. That is the main help – nothing else would matter.
Many of us parents (especially in this forum) find it hard to restrain ourselves . From day1 ( some even far before it ) start preparing our kid. Kids doing assessment books 1 or 2 yrs ahead is common - not bcos the kid is motivated to do it but bcos of us parents feel it necessary. Study Schedule prepared by parent independently and constant monitoring, All the child has to do is follow instructions. If he/she rebels, is lazy , Mommy is there to nag, bribe, scream and anyhow strictly enforce it.
And volia, wonderful results 100%. So how? How much marks to mommy and how much to child?
I think the gist of what Chenonceau advice is that if the child dissent let him/her. And be there to support when results turn out to be not so good.
Give them hope they can with a bit of hard work. And now you are a team - they works with you not bcos they have to. A world of difference.
Its not easy to take it when kids do badly - We get emotional, tell our kids \"I-told-you\" ,scold, scold some more, set up a strict regime, spend sleepless nights worrying...
And in the process - alienate the child. We need to be prepared too to handle the child so that they learnt from it, and this takes effort too.
End of the day , what matters ?
1. they did no mistake
2. we did no mistake
3. They turned out right
Can we rest in peace by saying its not my fault, i tried so hard? -
tamarind:
A routine definitely helps, but not all kids find studying interesting. Some prefer to laze around, sleep or do nothing to studying. Also, their habits and routine will change once they're in their teens due to peer influence etc. Their schedule will also be different. There're many more distraction besides TV and computer games once they're in their teens. But I guess parents can only do this much.
They will definitely not learn the consequences. I know many students like that. In fact, they failed so many times, they believe that they are not capable to do well, and they simply give up trying. It is sad because I know that they are actually quite smart.rosemummy:
If they're only allowed to fail when it's \"safe\" to do so, do they really learn the consequences? I suppose most kids, if they're reasonably responsible would. But some kids just don't care if they fail a few tests. Actually, I'm not sure what you can do with such kids apart from pushing them when they're younger. If they remain the same when they're older, I'm not sure if anyone can help them.
Instead of pushing the kids to be more hardworking, one method is to establish a routine to study. For example, if we start to train a child to read for 30 mins since 3 years old, it will become a habit like brushing teeth everyday. He will feel uncomfortable if he does not read. The second method is to remove all distractions, especially computer games. Without distractions, the child will find that studying is the most interesting thing to do. I feel that these methods are better than to allow the child to experience the consequences of failing a test, even if it is safe to fail.
However, if nothing works, then I am prepared to remove all luxuries and provide only the basic needs. Give small rewards only when the child puts in hard work. This works best when the child is young. -
rosemummy:
In the field of psychology, there is a notion termed \"psychological immune system\". This refers to the phenomenon where that people discount, augment, suppress, and rearrange unpleasant information in an attempt to control its emotional consequences. These children who don't care... have failed so often that their psychological immune system has kicked in to protect them from sinking into depression. They discount the value of academic success because it is too emotionally painful to keep on failing.
Actually, my thoughts / posts was as a result of a recent discussion I have with a friend who's a HOD in a neighbourhood secondary school. She was telling me that there're kids who just can't think rationally and according to some studies, most (if not all) of them had always been poor in Maths. They just can't see the seriousness of the consequences, and don't care. The school can try every means to help them, but can't. The worse thing to happen is the negative influence they have on the rest of the students. Just like to see if anyone in this forum has some ideas what to do to help such kids.
It is difficult to help such children because the first step is to establish an emotional connection, and through that emotional connection, to provide emotional encouragement enough to temper the emotional distress that comes with failure. Once that emotional distress is tempered, then the children may have strength to face their failures. But this is earlier said than done. To feed enough emotional encouragement to a child that has failed so much that he discounts the value of academic success, the emotional connection cannot be one of nodding acquaintance. It needs to be a very deep and personal connection. Teachers will burn out if they have to do this with every child.
Whilst failure teaches lessons important for success, adults need to make sure that a child does not face failure alone and disempowered. One may wish to inoculate a child against bird flu, but the vaccine must contain very weak strains of the virus or it will destroy the child.
Similarly, the experience of failure should be given early in small but weak doses so that when the child grows into teenager and adulthood, he is resilient and can face and conquer failure without resorting to discounting the value of what is important.
This is a possible solution only. Hard to make recommendations unless the child is right in front of me. Admittedly, it is a solution that is quasi-impossible for teachers to implement without parental involvement. Very often too, these kids have such poor relationships with their own parents that establishing a strong parent-child emotional connection is well nigh impossible too.
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