Smart but lazy?
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cherrygal:
On the MBTI personality scales, our whole family test out to be Intuitives. Intuitives see patterns, not details. If your child is careless, there is a good chance that he/she is intuitive on the MBTI scales. There is reason to rejoice because MBTI Intuitives are the visionaries of the world. They can think conceptually, see patterns where others miss them.Girls and boys behave differently and usually, it's the boys that can't focus in their early years.
I know my DS knows his stuff coz he practically got everything correct in his worksheets. Yet he got a lousy comment from the teacher who wrote \"He should pay more attention in class.\" Maybe he is just bored with what she's teaching coz he already knows them?
Unfortunately they miss details right in front of their noses. These children can copy numbers wrongly from working to answer box. Little Boy does it all the time. The Husband and I used to do it too.
I started by telling Little Boy that he was born careless because he is an Intuitive, and that this is a trait he shares with both his parents. Both The Husband and I were very careless, and till today, I will get another to read my work because I am certain to make errors that I fail to see no matter how often I read. This ensured that Little Boy felt loved despite his failing. \"Welcome to the family, son. You are careless. So are we. BUT it is still no excuse because Daddy and I fixed it. We expect you to as well.\"
I spent Primary 1 and 2 gently reminding him about his carelessness. In Primary 3, we had a series of more serious discussions. In Primary 4, I was desperate. So, I turned to something psychologists call Behavioral Modification Theory.
Okay... please don't flame me for the rest of what I am about to write.
(1) I tied every 2 careless mistakes to one stroke of cane.
(2) I communicated the link very clearly. There is nothing wrong with you. It's the behavior that needs to go.
(3) The first practice paper he did after that contained 5 mistakes. That was worth 2 strokes of cane.
(4) I showed The Husband the careless mistakes and he agreed to the caning.
(5) It was administered to bare butt in the privacy of the bedroom with no one but The Husband and I present.
(6) I hit AS HARD AS I COULD (but I am not very strong). This is important because if you don't make the pain memorable, you'll end up having to do it more often. I did not want to do it too often because after the first caning episode, I ran downstairs and trembled for a good 5 minutes. If you're built like Arnold Schwarzenegger, you may wanna go a bit easy.
(7) In the next practice paper, there was one careless mistake... I let it go.
( 8 ) In the next one, there were three careless mistakes... I said \"Give you chance. No cane.\"
(9) After that there were no more for a couple of papers. So I praise and hug and make a big fuss.
(10) Then came one paper with 3 mistakes. I gave 1 stroke but allowed him to wear a few briefs and his shorts.
(11) Then came a few with 1 or 2, and I gave chance again.
(12) Then, I administered another 1 stroke to bare butt.
This is called Random Intermittent and Variable Punishment. If you punish regularly (or cane too often) the child gets used to the pain, and once you stop caning regularly, the undesirable behavior also comes back.
However, if the child knows he should be punished, expects to be punished but doesn't know exactly WHEN it'll happen, he/she will keep on trying to extinguish the undesirable behavior just in case.
Summary
It is thus important to not cane too often... to keep it random... to tie the stroke clearly to the undesired behavior... to ensure the memory of unpleasantness is more unpleasant than the actual punishment. It is the memory that is deterrent. The intensity of remembered pain can be worse than that of actual pain.
I fixed Little Boy's carelessness in 3 sessions of caning. Session 1: 2 strokes to bare butt. Session 2: 1 stroke to protected butt. Session 3: 2 strokes to bare butt. Don't cane when angry. And when you cane, have a witness. Immediately after, please sayang the child. Keep to the principle of random, variable and intermittent. Make sure the child knows that it is the behavior that is bad, not him. Lastly, give the child years to improve before you cane. P1 is too early. It might turn him off school. Give him a nice experience of school in lower primary first... This problem can be fixed later.
Also, this is something to use only in instances where the behavior is ingrained or very unnatural. I was a careless child myself. I know how unnatural it is for me to not make careless mistakes. And later when I was being trained in personality profiling, I learnt that it is part of one's personality. You are correcting an inborn trait. That is very hard.
If you don't wanna cane, you can do something else. But whatever it is needs to be very unpleasant because carelessness is part of a personality disposition and to overcome it is not easy because it is not natural to that personality type. Create the expectation but keep the actual punishment random... and errrr... painful. -
Chenonceau,
Wow that was really some learning.
Well I am the careless one, It is very diff for me to copy say a long articel verbatim. It is not natural for me to do my maths paper without mistakes. I have to check, redo and recheck. And some small thing would still escape.
When I had parents exasperated that their kids make careless mistakes, I sorta felt guilty. I was a motivated kid with parents who believed in me and well school and marks were just another part of life to them. But I was very very keen to do well. Maths was my fav. And to lose 1 or 2 marks due to carelessness hurt. Very very much. Yet I did those mistakes. I knew I was some way hardwired the wrong way. Thanks to you I know people like me have been researched and labelled. -
Sun_2010:
Not only that... you have definite strengths. Intuitives have a lot of imagination. They can imagine a world that does not yet exist. They can cut through the trees and see the bigger picture very quickly. They possess helicopter vision. BUT, you miss the small stuff and can come across as impractical, dreamy and unrealistic.Chenonceau,
Wow that was really some learning.
Well I am the careless one, It is very diff for me to copy say a long articel verbatim. It is not natural for me to do my maths paper without mistakes. I have to check, redo and recheck. And some small thing would still escape.
When I had parents exasperated that their kids make careless mistakes, I sorta felt guilty. I was a motivated kid with parents who believed in me and well school and marks were just another part of life to them. But I was very very keen to do well. Maths was my fav. And to lose 1 or 2 marks due to carelessness hurt. Very very much. Yet I did those mistakes. I knew I was some way hardwired the wrong way. Thanks to you I know people like me have been researched and labelled.
Parents with careless kids should celebrate a little, whilst attempting to correct the behavior. It isn't all bad you know. -
Now the question is should I blame my parents for not administering -
Random Intermittent and Variable Punishment ?
Well, 35 yrs of age is the expiry date of the \"its all my mom's fault\".
So hmmm...
Btw, I will warn all my frinds plannng to have kids - first get that degree in Human Pschycology first.
Just Kidding
-
Sun_2010:
Now the question is should I blame my parents for not administering -
Random Intermittent and Variable Punishment ?
Well, 35 yrs of age is the expiry date of the \"its all my mom's fault\".
So hmmm...
Btw, I will warn all my frinds plannng to have kids - first get that degree in Human Pschycology first.
Just Kidding
-
Reading the reviews made me laugh and with relief haha! Cos it seems almost everyone including us adults used to be like them
But seriously I could not even recall anything about myself :lol:
And yes, I agree that she is the kind of child that sees bigger pictures with surprisingly unexpected imagination. At times the things she says or does really amazes me a lot. I do think she is a genius but when it comes to carelessness and the lack of focus part, it really annoys me. (which parent doesn't? ;P)
My husband is someone who doesn't encourage caning or any physical punishments, only raising his voice, sends her to face the wall or grounds her from her favorite activities (but he doesn't adhere long enough!).
As for me, I do cane her palm but not reckless beating sort. I am however an impatient person (strange, cos I actually have patience with other people's kids!) and a pretty a**l perfectionist myself, so if there are any nitty gritty mistakes, I would have a big reaction. Sigh...
Come to think of it I have worked with children with special needs before and studied psychology but when it comes to my own kids, I am at a loss.
-
Chenonceau:
*LIKES* :ugogirl:
On the MBTI personality scales, our whole family test out to be Intuitives. Intuitives see patterns, not details. If your child is careless, there is a good chance that he/she is intuitive on the MBTI scales. There is reason to rejoice because MBTI Intuitives are the visionaries of the world. They can think conceptually, see patterns where others miss them.cherrygal:
Girls and boys behave differently and usually, it's the boys that can't focus in their early years.
I know my DS knows his stuff coz he practically got everything correct in his worksheets. Yet he got a lousy comment from the teacher who wrote \"He should pay more attention in class.\" Maybe he is just bored with what she's teaching coz he already knows them?
Unfortunately they miss details right in front of their noses. These children can copy numbers wrongly from working to answer box. Little Boy does it all the time. The Husband and I used to do it too.
I started by telling Little Boy that he was born careless because he is an Intuitive, and that this is a trait he shares with both his parents. Both The Husband and I were very careless, and till today, I will get another to read my work because I am certain to make errors that I fail to see no matter how often I read. This ensured that Little Boy felt loved despite his failing. \"Welcome to the family, son. You are careless. So are we. BUT it is still no excuse because Daddy and I fixed it. We expect you to as well.\"
I spent Primary 1 and 2 gently reminding him about his carelessness. In Primary 3, we had a series of more serious discussions. In Primary 4, I was desperate. So, I turned to something psychologists call Behavioral Modification Theory.
Okay... please don't flame me for the rest of what I am about to write.
(1) I tied every 2 careless mistakes to one stroke of cane.
(2) I communicated the link very clearly. There is nothing wrong with you. It's the behavior that needs to go.
(3) The first practice paper he did after that contained 5 mistakes. That was worth 2 strokes of cane.
(4) I showed The Husband the careless mistakes and he agreed to the caning.
(5) It was administered to bare butt in the privacy of the bedroom with no one but The Husband and I present.
(6) I hit AS HARD AS I COULD (but I am not very strong). This is important because if you don't make the pain memorable, you'll end up having to do it more often. I did not want to do it too often because after the first caning episode, I ran downstairs and trembled for a good 5 minutes. If you're built like Arnold Schwarzenegger, you may wanna go a bit easy.
(7) In the next practice paper, there was one careless mistake... I let it go.
( 8 ) In the next one, there were three careless mistakes... I said \"Give you chance. No cane.\"
(9) After that there were no more for a couple of papers. So I praise and hug and make a big fuss.
(10) Then came one paper with 3 mistakes. I gave 1 stroke but allowed him to wear a few briefs and his shorts.
(11) Then came a few with 1 or 2, and I gave chance again.
(12) Then, I administered another 1 stroke to bare butt.
This is called Random Intermittent and Variable Punishment. If you punish regularly (or cane too often) the child gets used to the pain, and once you stop caning regularly, the undesirable behavior also comes back.
However, if the child knows he should be punished, expects to be punished but doesn't know exactly WHEN it'll happen, he/she will keep on trying to extinguish the undesirable behavior just in case.
Summary
It is thus important to not cane too often... to keep it random... to tie the stroke clearly to the undesired behavior... to ensure the memory of unpleasantness is more unpleasant than the actual punishment. It is the memory that is deterrent. The intensity of remembered pain can be worse than that of actual pain.
I fixed Little Boy's carelessness in 3 sessions of caning. Session 1: 2 strokes to bare butt. Session 2: 1 stroke to protected butt. Session 3: 2 strokes to bare butt. Don't cane when angry. And when you cane, have a witness. Immediately after, please sayang the child. Keep to the principle of random, variable and intermittent. Make sure the child knows that it is the behavior that is bad, not him. Lastly, give the child years to improve before you cane. P1 is too early. It might turn him off school. Give him a nice experience of school in lower primary first... This problem can be fixed later.
Also, this is something to use only in instances where the behavior is ingrained or very unnatural. I was a careless child myself. I know how unnatural it is for me to not make careless mistakes. And later when I was being trained in personality profiling, I learnt that it is part of one's personality. You are correcting an inborn trait. That is very hard.
If you don't wanna cane, you can do something else. But whatever it is needs to be very unpleasant because carelessness is part of a personality disposition and to overcome it is not easy because it is not natural to that personality type. Create the expectation but keep the actual punishment random... and errrr... painful.
Thank you for the valuable advice
-
chic_savvy:
There is a difference between abnormal psychology (special needs kids) and normal psychology. I know very little about abnormal psychology. I'm an industrial organizational psychologist and we look into the kinda things that make normal people tick... Actually, for people interested in personality profiling a book by Paul D. Barron-Tieger and Barbara Tieger is useful and an easy read. \"The Art of SpeedReading People\".Reading the reviews made me laugh and with relief haha! Cos it seems almost everyone including us adults used to be like them
But seriously I could not even recall anything about myself :lol:
And yes, I agree that she is the kind of child that sees bigger pictures with surprisingly unexpected imagination. At times the things she says or does really amazes me a lot. I do think she is a genius but when it comes to carelessness and the lack of focus part, it really annoys me. (which parent doesn't? ;P)
My husband is someone who doesn't encourage caning or any physical punishments, only raising his voice, sends her to face the wall or grounds her from her favorite activities (but he doesn't adhere long enough!).
As for me, I do cane her palm but not reckless beating sort. I am however an impatient person (strange, cos I actually have patience with other people's kids!) and a pretty a**l perfectionist myself, so if there are any nitty gritty mistakes, I would have a big reaction. Sigh...
Come to think of it I have worked with children with special needs before and studied psychology but when it comes to my own kids, I am at a loss.
It gives a fast and superficial appreciation of the MBTI.
Caning is not a preferred method in our house. Apart from carelessness, I have come across no other behavior that cannot be corrected through other means. So yeah... your husband may be right. -
I used cane something, but my boy told me that I'm a bad mother.
I only cane mostly because of his behaviour, when he extremely naughty. I dun cane when he doesn't do his work, coz he is just p1. -
I have taught Maths to hundreds of students before, and I think that caning is the worst method to help a child who is careless.
I have helped my maths students improve to grade A from D. Definitely not by advising parents to cane them. That is the worst thing that you can do to a child.
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