How do you maintain your relationship with your spouse?

[PlayfulFairy]

jedamum:

PlayfulFairy:

I can cast aside my pride and take the intiative to break the ice first...

ya...and from what i read in another http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/forum/viewtopic.php?t=3578&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=15, i bet 'breaking the ice part' is easy for you. :evil:

hmm but sometime I wish he has the patience to cajole me leh rather than me taking the initiative first... haha but my philosophy is \"if you don't come over, I'll go over\". I can't stand waiting for things to happen :lol:

After all, it takes more than just fate to be husband and wife, so why waste time abandoning each other in the cold palace...

[3Boys]

PlayfulFairy:

jedamum:

[quote=\"PlayfulFairy\"] I can cast aside my pride and take the intiative to break the ice first...

ya...and from what i read in another http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/forum/viewtopic.php?t=3578&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=15, i bet 'breaking the ice part' is easy for you. :evil:

hmm but sometime I wish he has the patience to cajole me leh rather than me taking the initiative first... haha but my philosophy is \"if you don't come over, I'll go over\". I can't stand waiting for things to happen :lol:

After all, it takes more than just fate to be husband and wife, so why waste time abandoning each other in the cold palace... :P[/quote]We take turns giving cold shoulders, and are equally good at it. However, it is I who usually caves in and initiates a reconciliation. I guess as a man its up to us to be da4 fang1 in such matters. I also feel, especially after this last episode, is that our time together on earth is not infinite. An hour lost to feuding is a hour less we can spend enjoying each other's company...

[winth]

buds hubs:

I was wondering whether anyone else shares my view ie:

To settle it as soon as possible and not to drag the matter any further.
OR
You would prefer to adopt the cold shoulder approach & sulk. (aka buds)

Regardless of who is at fault (usually it's me with the short-circuit lar), I'll initiate the reconciliation. He likes to give cold shoulders (cool-off period, he says) when he feels that he's not at fault and simply will not relent. I will go to him, become very emotional and he will usually give in and talk to me again. After few exchange, he usually apologises for losing his cool too. Hehe... I'll then talk about the portion which I felt he was at fault, get into some argument again (but at least we are on 'talking' mode), then finally reach a compromise. We make sure that there is no miscommunication between us. That's why our argument is usually less than 2 hours. It's usually rather short.

Most importantly, at the end of an argument, he will know why I'm angry, what I'm angry with, what I need, and vice versa.

Actually cold shoulders and side-stepping a problem is not a good way to 'resolve' a conflict. Couples are considered to be side-stepping a problem by avoiding talking about the problem. In the end, there will be more and more 'creases' in your feelings (that requires ironing out), more misunderstandings (the you-think-I-know, but-actually-you-don't-know situations).

For 'cold-shoulder treatments', usually as time goes by, such cold shoulders will not have much effect of the other spouse. It becomes a part and parcel of an argument. When the REAL problem comes, then it's the perfect formula for marital disaster.

Forgot which marriage book I read from, but they advocate solving the conflict in the shortest period time too instead of letting everyone cool off and think that a problem is resolved.

buds hubs:

Is it always the MEN who gives in eventually and surrenders due to the silent treatment or has anyone else experienced something different?

Aiya, obviously from your case with buds, buds gave in what... If not wouldn't be happily married right? Jedamum too, and now me too. So that's 3 ladies against 2 men (yourself and 3boys).

JMHO

[buds hubs]

jedamum:

which one is worse? couples who both adopt cold shoulder or only one of whom adopts cold shoulder? .

I guess if both parties adopt the cold shoulder, then its probably gonna be pretty bad... I agree with you that we should probably look at the positive side of the situation ..So, I think that it would still be OK if ONLY one of them adopts the cold shoulder.

NEXT agenda would be who is more likely to give the cold shoulder \"MEN\" or \"WOMEN\"

jedamum:

For me, it is the reverse. I seldom gives my husband the cold shoulder - maybe only once or twice in our 8yrs of marriage - that lasted like...2 days??. To me, so long the matter is resolved, it doesn't matter who takes the initiative (to apologise).

My MCP man is one who doesn't gives in. I guess that is why the 'rooster'-pecked wife (aka me :oops:) complements him well.

Kudos to you jedamum... If you are a rooster pecked wife, then I suppose that you must be a RARE BREED...:udawoman:

[buds hubs]

PlayfulFairy:

After all, it takes more than just fate to be husband and wife, so why waste time abandoning each other in the cold palace...

Hahaha... My sentiments exactly..I like your statement...

I feel exactly the same way. There are so many other better things to do than sulk.. :roll:

Thats why I dont like to waste time sulking about it but rather concentrate on talking it out & finding a solution... :celebrate:

[Funz]

I hate the cold shoulder thing. I’m the deal with it there and then and move on kinda gal. DH is the brooder. If there are things that he is not happy about, he will not say it or deal with it but he will show a black face and brood over it. If I am the person who caused the unhappiness, he can give me the cold shoulder for days. I usually cannot tahan and will confront him. Most of the times, I will more or less know what has set him off. But there was once when I was fedup with having to tip toe around his moods, I decided to just let him be. And the cold war lasted over 1 week when I finally just went up to him and told him get over it already.


I dun see what is the point of not talking and showing each other black faces. If there are things to be resolved, then work towards that. Not talking is not going to solve the issues. And by the time that either party decides to bring it up, it has become a matter of the past so how relevant is that?

[buds hubs]

winth:

Forgot which marriage book I read from, but they advocate solving the conflict in the shortest period time too instead of letting everyone cool off and think that a problem is resolved.

Haha.. winth, If you happen to remember the title of the book that you read, pls let me know OK.

I may decide to get it for buds as her Bday present.. :lol:

winth:

Aiya, obviously from your case with buds, buds gave in what... If not wouldn't be happily married right? Jedamum too, and now me too. So that's 3 ladies against 2 men (yourself and 3boys).

I guess you're wrong about that... If you recall from the story that I told, I was the one who was frantically trying to resolve the matter.

Aniwae... Attention ALL Guys.. I need some BACK UP here!!!

[winth]

buds hubs:

Haha.. winth, If you happen to remember the title of the book that you read, pls let me know OK.


I may decide to get it for buds as her Bday present.. :lol:

Sure! Think buds must have been giving you a bad time, eh?

[buds hubs]

winth:

buds hubs:

Haha.. winth, If you happen to remember the title of the book that you read, pls let me know OK.


I may decide to get it for buds as her Bday present.. :lol:

Sure! Think buds must have been giving you a bad time, eh?

No lah, she didnt. :roll:

Its just good to read up on these issues so as to better prepare ourselves
if we ever face them..

there is a saying \"With knowledge comes GREAT power!!\" :evil:

[MLR]

I belong to the MUST RESOLVE b4 going to bed type. Once we had a big arguement and went to bed angry cos when try to talk it out and ended up getting into bigger arguements. We tried to sleep, but ended up just tossing and turning and after about an hour, I just had enough. So I woke up, make 2 cups of hot chocolate with mini mashmellows, bring it to bed, call DH's name gently and told him we need to talk, in a calm and mature manner, no yelling (which is normally me :politebleah: ) or just keeping mum and giving huge stares (which is him and boy does he got some big eyes :!: ). We talked and talked and ended up with make-up :hugs: :snuggles: .....


So thereafter, we always resolve b4 going to bed or else he knows that he won't be getting any sleep till I m able to sleep. And me the type can't sleep when got issues hanging in the air feeling angry, upset......

Lucky for me, DH is the very non-judegemental type of person. He always keep an open view about most things, where me the one who most times stubborn and sometime refuse to admit defeat...