In-law problems?

[winth]

My ILs are sooo much better now, think they have accepted the fact that I’m here to stay as their DIL. Plus I’ve proven my capabilities, so they now nothing to say lor…


The examples quoted are all many years back la, and especially so after MIL went out to work. She has stopped being a full-time nanny after she broke a toddler’s nose - twice (toddler fell on his face when toddler was allowed to go down the steps from 2nd storey to 1st storey on his own). And a mother accused her of mistreating her young girl (MIL likes to cane the girl on the soles of her feet so that the caning would leave no scars when her parents come to collect the girl). The girl was so scared of my MIL, but the parents gathered no evidence of mistreatment bec no broken bones on girl mar… no one knew what she did bec my MIL was very clever. But I think her change in her career might have saved a lot of children.

[3Boys]

The point I am trying to make is that there is little to be gained by demonising PILs, quite simply because when it comes down to it, they generally have the interest of their grandchildren at heart, and where they may differ is in the implementation, and there is where belief systems, upbringing and experiences may clash.


One of my favourite quotes; "We judge ourselves by ideals and others by their actions." I.e. we complain about PILs, but when we are in their shoes, will we be any better? We think we will be, so we think we are, reality may prove to be different.

I have seen equal share of strange (to my eyes) practices by parents of children, and by their grandparents, such that when I hear grouses, my sense is that it can equally be the fault of the parent, grandparent, or none at all. We can gripe here at KSP. Where do the grandparents gripe about their DIL/SIL? KSPIL?

Pardon if I am just being brutally analytical, my DW hates me for that too…

Come on guys, any of you got IL problems, or is it mainly a gal thing?

Just to share, I faced a reverse situation, where I had to repent of my ways after being overly analytical with my MIL who was giving of her time to look after my newborn. Was driving her insane with my constant contradictions and fussiness and ‘evidence’ based childcare.

Ah well, live and learn…

[PlayfulFairy]

Haha for my case, it’s my DH who can’t stand my parents…so I always ask him to close one eye and one ear(cos he feels that the way they speak is very politically incorrect)…

[ChiefKiasu]

3Boys:

... We can gripe here at KSP. Where do the grandparents gripe about their DIL/SIL? KSPIL?...

No need. If we last long enough, all of us will start complaining about our DILs/SILs one fine day right here in KSP.com... :rotflmao:

[winth]

3boys:

they generally have the interest of their grandchildren at heart

That's really a general statement there. Cos it generally didn't happen to my boys and their paternal grandma.

Maybe it was real funny to leave my boy suffocating in the pillow? Or teaching him survival skills like learning how to breathe sideways when someones tries to suffocate you?

I have seen her scratching and knocking my boy's face (accidentally, you would say) against walls/purses/car side mirrors so many times that DH has got no comment too. I have seen her pulling my boys along, squeezing them through car-gaps (how many people do you think can make it through a car gap?), in the carpark, so as to catch up with DH to talk to him. So the child that she holds onto suffers, whoever is in her hands.

We generally do not dare to leave our boys alone with her. They do come back with scratches. It's scarier than leaving them with the maids.

Been through that, was like hell. If that's the way they implement things in the name of interest for their grandchildren, then it's better that I put the children in my care, no matter how tough fight I need to put up so as to keep my children away from 'harm'. That's when I turn into a TIGRESS.

[3Boys]

winth,

I’m not sure why you think I am picking on you. Perhaps it has been a sore point and I am pressing the wrong buttons.

I do not say that parents back down in the face of abuse or unsafe practices. If indeed such things occur, then surely, stand your ground, chase them out, call the police.

Equally, should PILs observe that their DIL/SILs are abusive of their grandchildren, then they also have a duty of care to take the necessary steps. This can occur as well.

The point is that what applies to parents applies equally to PILs, and vice-versa. It is unhelpful to plant a label on PILs and call them all ogres, because many are not. Some things are subjective (‘heaty drinks’), some are not (suffocation with pillow), I’m sure we all know when to act and I’m not suggesting otherwise.

[schellen]

3Boys, maybe you forgot one difference between men and women? Women just want to pour all their miseries out and have a listening ear. We feel much better this way. We’re not really seeking solutions here unless we actually ask for them and mean it. However, guys like to analyse and solve things so maybe our gripes here "irk" you cos you see solutions and wonder why we don’t implement them. (We do but in our own way. And while we do that, we still like to gripe.)


As usual, no offence is intended.

[csc]

schellen:

3Boys, maybe you forgot one difference between men and women? Women just want to pour all their miseries out and have a listening ear. We feel much better this way. We're not really seeking solutions here unless we actually ask for them and mean it. However, guys like to analyse and solve things so maybe our gripes here \"irk\" you cos you see solutions and wonder why we don't implement them. (We do but in our own way. And while we do that, we still like to gripe.)


As usual, no offence is intended.

Spot on! That , i agree!

[3Boys]

schellen:

3Boys, maybe you forgot one difference between men and women?

I always forget and always need reminding...... cease and desist, I shall.

schellen:

As usual, no offence is intended.

None taken.

[winth]

Wow thanks schellen! You've described all these perfectly.


It de-stresses me when I let those grudges out. I get terrible headaches everytime I see these things happening to me and my kids and yet, the feeling of helplessness sink in almost instantly.

It's unlike when you're facing some rude parents and I can be real rude and fight back. It's unlike some crowded places that we can choose not to go and avoid at all costs. I can't choose not to do the things that I dread.

But I also know that to keep my marriage at status quo is to overlook all these things which DH has described to me that they are all unimportant events and he feels sad for them that they are still so caught up with misery.

Yap, DH knows what's going on between me and his family side. So, there's nothing I need to hide. Just that he doesn't like me to make it public.

3Boys:

winth,
I'm not sure why you think I am picking on you. Perhaps it has been a sore point and I am pressing the wrong buttons.

well, for a while back there, I really thought you were. hehe... I just wanted to let you know that yes, some MILs are really great (I do know quite a number of them through my friends and relatives). And well, let's just say that some very few MILs really aren't that 'enlightened' yet, and I happen to have one that gives me a really bad time - I call them my memorable moments.

I was pissed yesterday, but I am not now. Serious. At least now I know you are not picking on me. But I do hope that you could make more generalised statements bec those comments were considered 'high-risk' and they tend to upset certain post-ers. 说者无心，听者有意。