In-law problems?
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pecalis:
Pecalis, :salute: to you. Not many able to take it and still positive about the whole thing. I believe your hubby also very supportive and good that he does not dump the responsibility onto you
My hubby volunteered to take care of his mother when she had to undergo 4 mths of chemotherapy as my fil is not a good caregiver and my mil was really depressed at that diagnosis. Of course, it became my duty to take care of my mil (include bringing her for chemotherapy every 3 weeks and changing her stoma bag every few days) - however, she is great mil and a great patient, very cooperative and I gladly serve her. We did get a helper so as to relieve me of household chores, as I have 3 kids to take care of too, plus my hubby is outstation half the time. Her medical is taken care of by the govt but my hubby paid all other expenses. In fact, I have a single sil who is living alone and she should be the 1st person to volunteer to take care of her own mother but we don't know why she didn't volunteer. Anyway, my hubby, being filial, just did what was needed but he didn't dump the responsibility onto me. We discussed and agreed on this decision. Again, she is a great mil and is in remission for 3 yrs now:)
dolphinsiah:
Dolphinsiah,I know changing stoma bag needs a lot of efforts and very stressful...always worry about leakage... :scared:
Undergo all these when hubby was carrying a stoma bag.... :frustrated:
Reading all the posts about taking care of PIL ....make me feel very depress about how nowdays people treat relationship....everything very calculative.... :stupid:
Sorry about your hubby.
It's true and sad about how people treat relationship these days....but I think I'll just have to accept it cos' we can't change the majority.
The only thing I feel I can do now (in my case).....is to try to bring up my children as well as I can. I believe most children will try to be filial to some extent just that sometimes, it gets so stressful so the 'selfishness kicks in'. I try not to be calculative, but when I feel that too much is on me while the rest are shaking legs and still make stupid comments, I fumed and start wondering why am I so stupid!! But of course, DH will tell me must η§―εΎ· for the children. Anyway, on our part, we better not make things difficult when we grow old. In addition, I have also told DH, we need to have sufficient and be independent. I do not want to live that old either.....(if I can choose by then, I'll chose to go
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dolphinsiah:
Agree with you about getting old and being a burden, but yet, can't help it! My grandma is a classic eg - she is already 96 this yr, besides hypertension and slight cholesterol, she ok except maybe can't really walk wo help and senile most of the time. She has got 4 sons and 4 daughters. Only 1 son is able and capable but he is bogged down by his wife's battle with cancer, thus excused. All 4 daughters seem to hold the convenient view that once married, no longer her responsibility, but the sons'. So how? She's got no where to go and nobody to take care of her. She toggles every 3 mths between my dad's and my eldest aunt's flat. My dad has this romantic notion of being filial but he is not able to - no income and not a good care giver too. So he can only provide a rm for her. My eldest aunt is an excellent care-giver but she didn't want to commit long term, so this unspoken arrangement of every 3 mths at these 2 places. She was very unwelcome until I, being the eldest granddaughter, started collecting money from everyone and employing a maid on their behalf to take care of her full-time. She fell 2x at 2 places, 2nd time no one was at home, so I decided tt it was time to get a maid to take care of her but ALL, must chip in. Nobody objected, guess they gladly let me take the lead, though hubby did ask why am I the one doing all these and not her kids. I have another cousin who loves her a lot and basically, all decisions are made by the 2 of us and big ticket items will be borne by us.
I see myself growing old ...become ill no one to take care of me....
Because children no time ...no money....to care of me.... :siam:
But when children is ill , parents will rush to look after them...take leave....clean their poo...wash them up.... :grphug:
Old Age Parents nobody wants to look after.....
This is the current society....very realistic :shock:
I tell myself ...I must keep lots of $$$ , when old and unwell check into a nursing home....and wait to die....
Do not want to be a burden to the kids and society..... :gloomy:
Why this world is so cold and realistic....
Told my 3 kids tt since their gugu is single, loves them so much, they need to spend time with her when she's old - to bring her out for movies, dinner and even medical check-up. My son promised to take care of her medical bill - he din know it will be a lot. Haha! My 3rd daughter is supposed to feed her if she couldn't feed herself, since she's still asking to be fed by her soemtimes, at age 6! Told my kids tt so long as hubby and I have each other, they need not worry about us but must be good to their gugu. -
Hi Chinchin,
I am more traditional. Wife of the eldest son or wives of sons, should be more devoted to the husband's family in such times of needs. However, I empathise with your situation because of your MIL's selfishness.
Let me share my story.
***Removed***
Children are very much affected by what they see. During my secondary school days, when I was at one of my classmate's house to do project, she had to excuse herself to assist her grandma to bathe (both her parents were working). This form of images is very powerful in reinforcing filial piety. -
dolphinsiah and cwc, I'm not that noble, just tt my mil is a wonderful mil - she never imposes her idea onto me, maybe just gently encourage. She is selfless and serves all of us well. So when she was at her lowest, I gladly took on the responsibility to care for her as I also know she'll cooperate. In fact, if it were my own mum, I'll probably think 2x as she's stubborn and will not follow dr's instructions. Having said all these, I actually have no place in this thread but do come here to read to know what fellow women are struggling - in fact, I told my mil about some the struggles shared here and told her I'm so thankful for my situation. Very often, I think I am the bad dil as I'm quite quick with my words and very loud when it comes to scolding or disciplining my kids. It probably stress my pils a lot since we moved in with them 2 yrs ago
But again, my mum has agreed to help me with my confinement for my 4th child, even though I know she isn't tt comfortable to stay over at my ils' So, no matter what struggles or disagreement I may have with my mum, she's still my mum and I know she still loves me And I believe tt if she needs my help in the near future, she'll not be rejected or neglected. -
jedamum:
Hi Jedamum,Hi Chinchin,
I am more traditional. Wife of the eldest son or wives of sons, should be more devoted to the husband's family in such times of needs. However, I empathise with your situation because of your MIL's selfishness.
No offense.....but personally, I feel that it is this kind of expectation set upon the wives of eldest son or sons that makes things extra difficult. Every family has their own lives to lead, every family member should do their part in whichever way they can contribute. While I do think the eldest probably has more to do......there must be some form of balance.
And this is precisely why we end up in this IN-LAW thread.....feeling of injustice.
To me, ALL the children have a responsibility to his or her own parents...be it son or daughter. I will expect more from my own children than my daughter-in-law or son-in-law....won't you?
While you feel that the eldest Sister-IL is being selfish, she on her end will probably feel likewise. Read the other threads, you will also see the Sisters-IL questioning why the own children are not doing their part and instead expecting the Sisters-IL to do it. It is common. There will never be an end....no solution....:(
Guess it's because I am a DIL hence we probably would be holding opposite views....... -
cwc:
cwc,
Hi Jedamum,jedamum:
Hi Chinchin,
I am more traditional. Wife of the eldest son or wives of sons, should be more devoted to the husband's family in such times of needs. However, I empathise with your situation because of your MIL's selfishness.
No offense.....but personally, I feel that it is this kind of expectation set upon the wives of eldest son or sons that makes things extra difficult. Every family has their own lives to lead, every family member should do their part in whichever way they can contribute. While I do think the eldest probably has more to do......there must be some form of balance.
And this is precisely why we end up in this IN-LAW thread.....feeling of injustice.
To me, ALL the children have a responsibility to his or her own parents...be it son or daughter. I will expect more from my own children than my daughter-in-law or son-in-law....won't you?
While you feel that the eldest Sister-IL is being selfish, she on her end will probably feel likewise. Read the other threads, you will also see the Sisters-IL questioning why the own children are not doing their part and instead expecting the Sisters-IL to do it. It is common. There will never be an end....no solution....:(
Guess it's because I am a DIL hence we probably would be holding opposite views.......
No offense taken. In any case, you are very polite.
Yes, everyone has their side of the story. What pissed me is that no initiative has been taken to solve problem on their side. When being proposed about cost sharing to get external help, fingers point back to me on why I am not helping. I am not angry at my SIL. I am actually on better terms with her than with the bro. This is probably the straw that broke the camel's back as there are other factors that made me lose the respect i used to have for him.
While I agree that ALL children has responsibility towards their parents, married daughters have to seek their husband's understanding in such instances while daughter in laws will have their husband's consent (being the husband's parents) and they need to overcome their own unwillingness. To this question I have asked myself numerous times, what duties come first, duties as a wife, as a mother or as a child? -
cwc:
hahaha...agree...should have a separate SIL thread to rant about too. I admit that I am not a very good SIL because my mum is easily pushed over and I at times play my part of a evil SIL for the interest of my mum. :nunchuk:Read the other threads, you will also see the Sisters-IL questioning why the own children are not doing their part and instead expecting the Sisters-IL to do it. It is common. There will never be an end....no solution....:(
Guess it's because I am a DIL hence we probably would be holding opposite views.......
evil....evil.... -
cwc:
The children should be the ones looking after their parents...if the daughter-in-law is expected to look after the PILs, there will be some unhappiness and resentment.
Hi Jedamum,jedamum:
Hi Chinchin,
I am more traditional. Wife of the eldest son or wives of sons, should be more devoted to the husband's family in such times of needs. However, I empathise with your situation because of your MIL's selfishness.
No offense.....but personally, I feel that it is this kind of expectation set upon the wives of eldest son or sons that makes things extra difficult. Every family has their own lives to lead, every family member should do their part in whichever way they can contribute. To me, ALL the children have a responsibility to his or her own parents...be it son or daughter. I will expect more from my own children than my daughter-in-law or son-in-law....won't you?
Guess it's because I am a DIL hence we probably would be holding opposite views....... -
janet_lee88:
The children should be the ones looking after their parents...if the daughter-in-law is expected to look after the PILs, there will be some unhappiness and resentment.[/quote]
Hi Jedamum,cwc:
[quote=\"jedamum\"]Hi Chinchin,
I am more traditional. Wife of the eldest son or wives of sons, should be more devoted to the husband's family in such times of needs. However, I empathise with your situation because of your MIL's selfishness.
No offense.....but personally, I feel that it is this kind of expectation set upon the wives of eldest son or sons that makes things extra difficult. Every family has their own lives to lead, every family member should do their part in whichever way they can contribute. To me, ALL the children have a responsibility to his or her own parents...be it son or daughter. I will expect more from my own children than my daughter-in-law or son-in-law....won't you?
Guess it's because I am a DIL hence we probably would be holding opposite views.......
likewise, the sons would feel resentful having to contribute to his pils' upkeeping or even looking after them too. it would be worse if the wife is a sahm. -
janet_lee88:
The children should be the ones looking after their parents...if the daughter-in-law is expected to look after the PILs, there will be some unhappiness and resentment.
I feel that if all own children contribute, it helps. Normally the resentment from DIL stems from the fact that they are loaded with the responsibilities & expected to take on unconditionally. If the children are not involved, it's very unfair to the DIL & family. We need to put ourselves in the shoes of both being a daughter & a DIL.LOLMum:
Hmmmm, as a previously working person, I think the sons will have to somewhat change their mindset. If it was a mutual agreement to have one become sahm, with PILs who are understanding, accommodate & do not expect as much as before (if situation permits), the son should not be resentful.likewise, the sons would feel resentful having to contribute to his pils' upkeeping or even looking after them too. it would be worse if the wife is a sahm.
We gave up our financial independence for the good of our family and that is not equal to dumping our parents. If the wife's parents still require financial help & hubby not willing, perhaps we should not quit then. Our children & parents both need us. Perhaps I'm not as tradition, while I will try to place a slightly higher priority for my hubby's interest/family, there is a limit. My own parents are equally important, not just his.
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