In-law problems?

[BeContented]

Jennifer:

cwc:

Curious.....anyone has problem with FIL?


Hubby is telling me that I need to learn to handle. But I find it very unfair. :mad: :rant:
FIL has dementia and I think he has slowly reached the next stage. Recently, he has been displaying inappropriate behaviour such as walking out of toilet with pants down and playing with his stuff. I read up and these are some of the symptoms with dementia patients.......
While my DD has yet to witness any (and I dun want to subject my kids to it), I personally am VERY upset despite all the reading & the maid is a little too. No doubt the maid has been pre-empt and told about his condition and the job requirement is to take care of FIL, think it's still quite upsetting for any woman, isn't it?

Anyone has experience? How do you deal with it? How do we train the maid?
Personally, I feel like sending FIL to nursing home, I can't deal with it......

This is so like the TCS drama with Chen Liping n Zhu HouRen. I wld insist the old man to be sent to a nursing home. Really too much to handle liao. I wld also fear for the safety of everyone at home. Who knows if the old man wld play with fire n burn down the hse or do sth else dangerous. Please continue to reason with your hubby.

When FIL first started undressing at the main gate, that was my first thot - Zhu HouRen. BUT I'm no Chen LiPing. We have already hired a maid to look after him, probably the house is safe....but if his behaviour wosen, the maid may not want to continue to work for us. I have given in once by agreeing to getting a maid instead of sending to nursing home, if even maid option still dun work, I think there's no other choice left, he has to go nursing home. Eldercare has kicked him out, he can't go anywhere already.

[LOLMum]

i understand your frustrations and mine seems so easy because of lots of helping hands. but there were lots of tears and anger along the way for all of us especially those living with the patient.


my mum had the same illness. it was very hard on my dad and my two sisters who were living with her. maid had to take care of handicapped sister too.

she cant control her actions but they couldnt bear the thought of putting her in nursing home. luckily dad was unable to sleep most nites so he was like the nite watchman because mum liked to wander round the house at nite. the rest of us (including sils) visited them often so that they had a break.

she was bedridden eventually and was in and out of hospital because of bedsores and other complications. but dad and sister always took her home. we had to put her under professional care eventually because of her medical conditions. i remembered my dad crying at home pretty often.

even at the nursing home (not easy to get admitted because of lack of beds), we had to clean her ourselves. my sils and sis bathed her, changed the bedsheets and when she had fever, some1 stayed there to look after her. you cant just send the patient to nursing care and just visit her once a week. it is very stressful for patient because of his dimishing memory he would be very upset not to see a familiar face or place at times.

we always thought she would go first but it was dad (had a fall) and she went too just a few days after him. :sad: but they are in a better place now.

it is not easy looking after an able person with such illness especially if is a he. it will take a lot of time, effort and tears.

if really cant, then talk to dh and his family to seek a solution.

all the best.

[BeContented]

LOLMum:

i understand your frustrations and mine seems so easy because of lots of helping hands. but there were lots of tears and anger along the way for all of us especially those living with the patient.


my mum had the same illness. it was very hard on my dad and my two sisters who were living with her. maid had to take care of handicapped sister too.

she cant control her actions but they couldnt bear the thought of putting her in nursing home. luckily dad was unable to sleep most nites so he was like the nite watchman because mum liked to wander round the house at nite. the rest of us (including sils) visited them often so that they had a break.

she was bedridden eventually and was in and out of hospital because of bedsores and other complications. but dad and sister always took her home. we had to put her under professional care eventually because of her medical conditions. i remembered my dad crying at home pretty often.

even at the nursing home (not easy to get admitted because of lack of beds), we had to clean her ourselves. my sils and sis bathed her, changed the bedsheets and when she had fever, some1 stayed there to look after her. you cant just send the patient to nursing care and just visit her once a week. it is very stressful for patient because of his dimishing memory he would be very upset not to see a familiar face or place at times.

we always thought she would go first but it was dad (had a fall) and she went too just a few days after him. :sad: but they are in a better place now.

it is not easy looking after an able person with such illness especially if is a he. it will take a lot of time, effort and tears.

if really cant, then talk to dh and his family to seek a solution.

all the best.

Thanks for the encouragement. Guess having helping hands would help.
It's not easy really, so must really give it to all these caregivers.

In my case, MIL is very picky and resent FIL, so that's a lot of yelling the moment she is involved - at FIL & maid.
At this point in time, FIL is still mobile.....so he's a hassle. At night, maid will rest but my poor DH always sleeps outside these days as FIL will wake up and roam middle of night. DH a light sleeper, so I think he is not resting well at all. What I can't accept now is FIL is behaving inappropriately.....while it may be due to the illness, I still feel so :mad: :sick: I will endure for now....but if it worsen, he has to go cos' I have a young DD at home.

[LOLMum]

yeah, very pehsiah to see his crown jewels but looking at woman's private part also .


an able person with such illness is very hard to handle. my mum used to throw things out of the windows :faint: (dad has to put net over them). tried to cook and at times wanted to go out at nite. always said someone is calling for her, gave us the creeps. :scared:

my poor handicapped sister got it from her too, my mum (especially at nite) slapped her while she was asleep. so everytime when she saw my mum walked up to her, she quickly called for whoever was home to protect her. cant go anywhere in wheelchair right? :evil:

a pity your mil is resentful, otherwise things would be easier.

the earlier you make a check to see if any nursing care is able to take him in the better cos' we had to pull some strings to get mum into one. though yours is not bedridden, there might still be a lack of place.

my nieces and nephews are old enough to understand and not feel peisah about the exposed body parts. for dd, she was like a nurse (well trained by sil who is a nurse) so okay with it.

[BeContented]

LOLMum:

yeah, very pehsiah to see his crown jewels but looking at woman's private part also .

Yes, quite :oops: & sickening. Frankly, I dare not tell my own parents about this, they will be very very upset. DH came home extra early cos' I was so upset over what I saw and called him to complain badly :shock: If it was pure exposing, maybe still can close one eye. It was more. :mad: and I'm still fuming as I type this :rant:

LOLMum:

an able person with such illness is very hard to handle. my mum used to throw things out of the windows :faint: (dad has to put net over them). tried to cook and at times wanted to go out at nite. always said someone is calling for her, gave us the creeps. :scared:

Gosh, throwing things out...xiong. :scared: My PIL spits, despite scolding, threats etc....sometimes, I wish I can call police :skeptical: Same here, my FIL will suddenly get dressed at midnight and say he's going for dinner with friends, someone waiting for him etc..... now besides latching the door, we put stuff in front of door for extra sounds.

LOLMum:

my poor handicapped sister got it from her too, my mum (especially at nite) slapped her while she was asleep. so everytime when she saw my mum walked up to her, she quickly called for whoever was home to protect her. cant go anywhere in wheelchair right? :evil:

poor girl.....

I have spoken to a few people, so far it seems that for dementia patients,
MAN will tend to be quiet/aggressive and behave inappropriately.
WOMAN will get vicious..... either actions or verbal.
Whichever, whatever, still xiong. :scared:

LOLMum:

a pity your mil is resentful, otherwise things would be easier.
the earlier you make a check to see if any nursing care is able to take him in the better cos' we had to pull some strings to get mum into one. though yours is not bedridden, there might still be a lack of place.

Actually I had already gotten a place the last time, but last minute agreed to hire maid so we gave it up Hopefully the next time will still be as lucky.

[BeContented]

Am tired...... How I wish my PIL get out of my life.

MIL implied/accused me of lying and DH stood up for me cos' he knew I'm telling the truth. MIL argued with DH and claim he is over-protective of wife and started tearing. DH end up in bad mood and now the whole family tensed.
MIL ignoring DH and DH no mood to talk to me. Think my PIL are really a nuisance.

:mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:

Wished I wasn't so stupid and agreed to let them rent out their house and come stay with us. Wished I had insisted on asking all other siblings to take turns house them. Wished I were less filial and feel less for my hubby.
:stupid: :stupid: :stupid: :stupid: :stupid: :stupid: :stupid: :stupid: :stupid:

[sall]

Hi cwc, is it possible to ask the pil to move back to their own house? Your own marriage will be affected if this goes on. Some pil are impossible to stay with. Or have some fierce quarrels with them and chase them out. Sounds heartless but sometimes, you have to do it to save your own sanity. Good luck!

[tracytmks]

hi cwc i totally agrees with sall my relationship with DH is getting worst, MIL i hardly talk to her for years. DH always side n speakup for MIL. He now said had enough of me saying he got no says in the hse somemore. this is actually excuses so tt he can stray outside.

[BeContented]

Thanks you Sall & Tracytmks for your advice.


Sigh....it's really a hard decision. If I made them go, will my marriage be happier? Think my DH will be very sad and will he resent me? He is a filial son, the mom had sacrificed and suffered a lot for the children.....I know that and that was why I agree to help him perform his duty. Besides, PIL were arguing daily at their own home before we decided to bring them, to avoid physical fights. Sending them back will only be disaster.
Right now, DH appreciates and understands my sacrifice and difficulties. Sending PIL back also cannot solve the issue, he will be constantly running home to check out and he'll be exhausted and then bad mood. I will still not be happy. NO solution

I am frequently unhappy over having to give in, and yet MIL claim DH is protecting wife, so who's right? Both sides demanding and never satisfied? But sometimes, I feel that MIL has this urge to see the DH favour her and scold us (DIL)......plain stupidity. :slapshead:
Anyway, I will continue to tolerate......but I think I am near my threshold liao.
Since a few weeks back (due to another incident), I have been avoiding MIL. Will not make small talk to her and avoid being at the same place same time....she too. Anyway, not just me, she also complained about another son being protective of wife. I'll continue to avoid her.....too pissed to want to give her good face liao.....let her suffer for her own actions. Just dun come & try to interfere into my life......

Good reminder to myself when I grow old.....

[sall]

Hi cwc, your mil is a very selfish and self-centred woman. She is jealous when she sees you and your hubby on good terms. So she’ll stir up whether trouble she can find , pick at you , cause the 2 of u to argue, and she expects your hubby to take her side. If not, then she applies emotional backmail. Most likely, she did not have a good relationship with her own hubby, so she hates to see any dil being happily married. There are really such vicious mil in this world. My friend is a victim, her mil instigated her son to dump her when the baby was only 4 mths old. She is now on her own, with a young son.

All these mil forgot that they were once dil. Maybe, they also suffered, so now they’re taking revenge.
If u can’t chase them out, then give them the cold shoulder. Less talk means less conflict. If she’s in the livin room, then maybe u go bedroom, close your door, shut out all those noise.