My daughter said "NO" often. WHY?

[buds]

In our Montessori classroom, our teachers are not encouraged to say words that discourage children from being children and from exploring. Words that demean children or appear to sound condescending are not allowed. So how do we say no and mean it? We are often challenged by children who try and I really mean try to test those boundaries we've so carefully fenced... but there are ways to turn harsh NOs to positive ways of saying no. And of course, mean it.


Over the years raising my own childre & working with many many other children/students.. I've learnt (rather slowly) :lol: the art of the positive no. What can we do to correct the no-way-hosei? The first step is to refrain from excessive use of the word NO. Yup, I know! Your head's screaming Nooooooo! :frustrated: But hear me out and trust me, over time it will work. :hugs:

One way is to create diversion to something positive so the immediate response to what your child is saying or doing can come out more positively. Take my son for example, buds_chubs is at the phase where everything he picks up goes into his mouth. When the girls take turns to care for him or play with him; I observe. I get quite flustered they're saying no to him a lot especially when they cannot handle him or at their wits end seeing nothing works or nothing can humour the baby. If everything's a NO, then what & when is deemed okay to be a yes? Here's sharing a scenario.

Baby attracts attention, starts giving out loud calling sounds. Picks up a remote controller nearby and puts it in his mouth. DD1 comes in and yells, \"NO, not the remote baby.\" She snatches it away. Baby gets bored very quickly & tries to reach for my iPod. In comes DD2 and hollers, oh no no no baby, not the iPod too! Finally, DD2 brought baby out to watch some tv and he starts to get restless. He has nothing to hold or do. He decides to suck on his fingers. All of it at once. Both sisters almost simultaneously tugs at his little fist and pulls it away from his mouth. Needless to say, the baby starts bawling.

I come over and did emergency rescue for my poor chubs.
Me : I do not remember doing those things to either one of you when you were babies. I cannot recall saying the word NO that much either. Let mommy try. You tell me if it works.

Me to baby : Mommy's here baby. What would you like? Do you want this? Pointing to remote. He reached out his hand to grab it. Almost instinctively he slowly moves it into his mouth. I tell him calmly : This remote allows you to watch your baby shows. Look. I gently wrap my hand around his and let his finger touch numbers two and five for the Baby's First channel and familiar baby music comes on. He does not seem to enjoy much of that, hence getting restless soon enough. I showed him the iPod and he starts shifting on my lap excitedly. Before he decided to put it in his mouth, I told him I can use it to play his favorite songs on you tube. He sits still long enough to finish six or seven songs and gets restless. Would you like your teething ring? He bites on it for abit and later gives a small cry. I said to baby : You must be hungry, here's a biscuit. You CAN bite biscuits. Biscuits are for eating so you can put biscuits in your mouth.

He smiles n eats it happily. The girls looked at one another and went... Orhhh... DD2 the typical inquisitive one asked, \"But mommy.. he's a baby, he doesn't understand.. so he doesn't know.\" My reply was, \"Well, if you realize sweetie... he didn't understand you when you screamed NO in his face either. To top it off, you snatched from him too. Snatched from the baby whom you said didn't know any better.. The baby sensing calmness in our voice allows him to listen better. Whether or not he understands he will slowly learn that each time he tries to place things in his mouth, some of them aren't allowed and they actually do something for him. Like turning on the fan or tv and stuff.

Truth be told, the next time buds_chubs wanted to bang the table... the girls redirected him to a musical instrument or toy that he has and he willingly played with it. I just smiled and showed them my thumbs up sign. They smile back and womehow knew it was an affirmative gesture, that they are doing things right. So come to think of it, I didn't hafta use the word no to three children at one go.

A game parents can play is the YES or NO game. This activity can be played at any time and even acts as a good traveling activity for our young ones. It helps develop listening skills, association skills, thinking skills, provides language enrichment and skill in decision making.

Invite children to answer varying statements by either replying YES or NO. The statements should stimulate a child's thinking and encourage him or her to reason or ask more questions. Try \"Mommy cooks in the bathroom.\" Or \"a chair is for sitting.\" For older kids, you can make sentence cards to play them to encourage reading. A logical and a confident yes or no earns them a star on let's say a square lined exercise book. Whoever completes all the boxes with a star stamps or star stickers wins the game and can ask for wins like a nice massage or a one minute hug or even to prepare tea party of a plate of cookies with milk.

Start saying no and mean it but assertively. In everyday's teachable moments, do at times allow for the emphasis that the word no is not always right but, can and should be used appropriately. Like NO when strangers beckon you to follow them places even if the places are fun... Or to say NO, THANK YOU.. to candy when you're unwell and so on. Give yourself and your child some time to work with this out, for Rome was never built in a day. All my best and love. These are only suggestions you can try. Hope it helps somewhat. :hugs:

[smartmummy]

Hi Buds!

Thanks a lot for ur kind advice.I am going to analyse myself.

[buds]

You are welcome... :xedfingers: it'll help. :hugs:

[KAN]

Actually both my dd and I we often say no to each other.


Me - no iphone / ipad
no sweets / tibits
no tv
no playing
no buying stationaries in school
no buying sweet drinks in school

DD - no, doesnt want to finish her meal, milk
no, doesnt want to do homework
no, doesnt want to bath
no, doesnt want to go home, wants to go out and play

The above are only some of the \" nos \". I try not to deprive her of the games and treats but it is often asked at the wrong time or excessive eg, she wants sweets after 9.30pm. :stupid:

I know that it is unhealthy for us to say no to each other too often. Actually when dd was young, i told myself that I will use positive teaching but as the years past, it seems to move towards negative teaching :?:

[kiasuparent1998]

i guess kids are like that. But patient coaching helps.

[smartmummy]

kiasuparent1998:

i guess kids are like that. But patient coaching helps.

Thank you for ur advice.I see her day by day improving,.Need lot of patience and time.As a parent,we always worry so much.

[buds]

KAN:

The above are only some of the \" nos \". I try not to deprive her of the games and treats but it is often asked at the wrong time or excessive eg, she wants sweets after 9.30pm. :stupid:

Perhaps, she doesn't know it is the wrong time. In other words, routines and rules should be set so she will know... will always remember & try to keep to it. For example, candy is only allowed when ..... or during.......... In my house, we dun reali do candy. Growing up, some people found it weird that my children decline sweets. They do have some on and off these days... well they are much bigger now... but hardly purchased. It's either from the ILs or from birthday goodie bags they get from school.

Mebbe too, there had been occasions where she was allowed to do so which she recalled didn't land her in trouble. Like mebbe, during New Year's celebrations.. it can go on till late and most times unfortunately children are left to their own games and snacks until it's time to go. Children esp younger ones cannot distinguish the difference why one off she was allowed to and now not.

KAN:

I know that it is unhealthy for us to say no to each other too often. Actually when dd was young, i told myself that I will use positive teaching but as the years past, it seems to move towards negative teaching :?:

Sometimes when it gets to boiling point, we do and we can loose our cool but it's because we are human. It is a natural reaction.. but we can reflect. Reflect how each day has turned out for you & your family. Analyze how you can better the situation... how issues can be resolved more diplomatically... how you don't want similar responses to repeat. It's in the mind and yes also from the love in your heart. :hugs:

Once we have the habit of saying no to every other thing, it can be hard to stop. Focus on the positive : \"can\" or \"can-be-done\" but within certain limits or set within certain boundaries you agree too.

In Montessori classrooms we refer to it as freedom within limits..

[buds]

smartmummy:

kiasuparent1998:

i guess kids are like that. But patient coaching helps.

Thank you for ur advice.I see her day by day improving,.Need lot of patience and time.As a parent,we always worry so much.

I have to disagree on this one... children very much need our guidance... the authoritative figure who helps them learn... a person who portrays positive traits and discipline. Most children aren't just born to be like that. We can help them improve by displaying similar positive behaviour within ourselves. Children are sensitive. They can pick up the vibes be it good or bad ones and it is up to us to channel them to better themselves consistently. JMHO.

[Chenonceau]

When came the Terrible Twos to Fives, we called The Daughter Miss Contrarian because she had an irrepressible tendancy to do anything other than what we told her to do. If you said \"Put on table\", she would look at you and propose \"Put on chair\". If you said \"Finish your food\", she would look at you and say \"I'm full. Mommy\".


If the issue was a peccadillo, I let her be. Fine, make your own choices. I'd say that I would give in on about 90% of issues. I didn't really care if she didn't finish her food because she was growing well. The psychological aggravation for both her and me just wasn't worth the 2 mouthfuls left on her plate, I didn't think. If she said \"no\", I didn't insist on \"yes\" unless it was bedtime or kitchen safety or put away toys.

Then she grew outta it because she had asserted her own independence and proved to herself that she was a big girl who could make her own decisions. I did the same at adolescence. I prepared her early from age 8 for teen issues. We talked through personal safety in lifts and coming home nights... we talked through boyfriends. Then I gave her autonomy on issues just before we clashed over them. You can feel it coming so you sidestep it and hope that what you have talked through in opre-adolescence will buoy up her decisions. She has a good and nice boyfriend who hangs out with our family some weekends. He treats her respectfully because she carries herself with dignity.

I think that there comes to periods in the life of a child where he/she will say \"No\". Both coincide with an important stage in human psychological development.

Terrible Twos: Growing out of babyhood (developing judgment about things e.g. food, toys, physical activities)
Teens: Growing into adulthood (developing judgement about morals, values, adult social relationships)

Parents can plan for it, work with it and ride it like a surfer rides a wave. You can't fight a surfing wave. The more intelligent your child and the stronger his/her personality, the more powerful his/her wave of contrarianism. If you fight it, you the parent will get hurt, because it is a force of nature. It's only a child's brain but still a force of nature. Don't fight the \"No-s\", ride them instead.

DS was worse, he was less diplomatic than his sister. Instead of proposing alternatives and stubbornly sticking to them with a doe-eyed innocent but very determined look (that was my girl), my boy said \"No\" and scowled. Or he would walk away pretending he had heard nothing. And he fought EVERY BATTLE, even that 10% of important issues. If there was a strong-willed child, my DS is one - http://petunialee.blogspot.com/2010/07/drive-me-back-to-schooooool.html.

Once, he actually made me cry with frustration. He was too young for the cane (2.5y) and I had no way to make him obey, so I sat on the sofa and shed real tears. With that, he came over and patted my knee and then he went and put away his toys PERFECTLY. So, I developed a new strategy. I role played that I was his baby sister and if he didn't do what I wanted (only the 10% of important stuff), I would cry like a baby. For example, for bedtime, I would lie on his bed and wail for him to come put ME to bed. The rest of the time, I resorted to subterfuge worthy of Zhugeliang, if I might so say (cheh). See blogpost here... http://petunialee.blogspot.com/2010/07/meow-took-it.html. That worked pretty well... and then he too, grew outta that stage.

I am still figuring out how to ride the wave of DS' adolescent years. The good thing is that if you can harness and ride the power of the wave, your child becomes a force for his own good. My DS has a stronger and more intransigeant personality than my DD. At their first fight, my DS was 7 months and my DD was 7 years. My DS was so fierce and determined that he won by force of personality, and my DD came to cry on my shoulder. However, it is also my DS who has the willpower to sit for 7 hours to memorise Chinese compos. It is also he who will force himself to get up at 4.30am to finish his homework. It is also he who adamantly refuses (with tears in his eyes) to let me email the teacher to ask for less homework that is so easy that it does not help to prepare him for exams.

BUT... I am gonna email Teacher anyway today because I hate to see him work till 11pm and wake up at 5.30am for school. I'm stubborn too, I guess.

[buds]

smartmummy:

Hi Buds!

Thanks a lot for ur kind advice.I am going to analyse myself.

How are things with you and your girl..

How's the analysis going? :evil: