In-law problems?

[LOLMum]

Angelight:

You're so right, cwc. Education does not determine if one will be a good or bad MIL. Mine is university-educated and was holding high post before her retirement, so she is definitely not the ignorant type. But equally strong-headed, controlling and prejudiced as those who are not educated...

:hi5:

[sall]

janet_lee88:

sall:

Chenonceau, is the mil going to your house for meals everyday since she's going to stay next to you? You also deserve a :salute: for tolerating such mil for so many years. These mil are not educated, so they are so fixed and stubborn and refused to change. I believe the next generation should have better mil, since we are all educated and have gone thru the nightmare.

Last time when my mil was still not senile, she was also interfering with lots of thing. dh is super filial and will never dare to stay no and he even declares his mother is always right. Now the mil is 90+ and very senile, so does not interfer any more.

Staying beside and going to your place for meals everyday ? Wow, you are amazing. The not educated MILs think they are entitled to have DIL cook for them...bcos it's expected.

When your MIL was not senile, you had a problem with her interferring with everything. With her senile now, is it better ? Is there another problem ?

Oh, no no. I was asking chenoneau whether her mil will be going over to her house for makan, since they will be staying next to one another.
Now mil is senile, so she just sits around and watch tv and sleep very often.

And yes, some well-educated mil can also be mil from hell. But as cwc said, it all depends on the personality of the mil. But to most mil, educated or not, dil are somebody else's daughter.

Just to check with you ladies, if you only have daughters, does your mil blame you or insist that you try again to produce a son?
I have an aunt who hated her dil because she gave birth to 2 girls. Life was really unbearable for this poor lady, so sad.

[Chenonceau]

Sall… I dunno if she will be coming over leh… I guess I will have to play it by ear. She has a fully equipped kitchenette though to encourage her to cook her own meals.


My MIL is educated. I kinda think education has nothing to do with it. I think that MIL just presume too much. The Chinese mentality is that when you marry a man, you cease to exist. You become part of that man’s life. My in-laws would come into our room or my house and make off with MY belongings and lend them to other people without asking me. They asked my husband instead. Hence, it becomes a tussle over influence and power.

Chinese MIL believe that the grandchildren belong to them and they have rights to decide for them. Chinese MIL believe sons and daughters-in-law belong to them and they have rights to decide for them too. Chinese MIL believe that all that the son owns belongs to them… house, furniture, children, maid and wife. This gives them the confidence to come over to your house to tell the maid what to do, re-arrange your furniture the way they like, and lend your things to people THEY like. This means that nothing the DIL has belongs to her. Her husband is MIL’s son. Her children are MIL’s grandchildren. Her house, her furniture and her personal belongings also belong to MIL.

Even very educated MIL can have this proprietary attitude. My MIL is quite well educated. She reads poetry and plays the guzheng… paints Chinese brush painting and does calligraphy. BUT, she still disses my daughter and favours my son… and ignores me.

[sall]

Sori, I accidentally clicked ‘submit’ twice, how to delete double post?

[sall]

Chenonceau:

My MIL is educated. I kinda think education has nothing to do with it. I think that MIL just presume too much. The Chinese mentality is that when you marry a man, you cease to exist. You become part of that man's life. My in-laws would come into our room or my house and make off with MY belongings and lend them to other people without asking me. They asked my husband instead. Hence, it becomes a tussle over influence and power.

Chinese MIL believe that the grandchildren belong to them and they have rights to decide for them. Chinese MIL believe sons and daughters-in-law belong to them and they have rights to decide for them too. Chinese MIL believe that all that the son owns belongs to them... house, furniture, children, maid and wife. This gives them the confidence to come over to your house to tell the maid what to do, re-arrange your furniture the way they like, and lend your things to people THEY like. This means that nothing the DIL has belongs to her. Her husband is MIL's son. Her children are MIL's grandchildren. Her house, her furniture and her personal belongings also belong to MIL.

Even very educated MIL can have this proprietary attitude. My MIL is quite well educated. She reads poetry and plays the guzheng... paints Chinese brush painting and does calligraphy. BUT, she still disses my daughter and favours my son... and ignores me.

So maybe marry angmoh better hor... Then maybe a different set of angmoh mil problem.
Very traditional chinese mil are like that. Grandsons are emperors and granddaughters are like grass. A friend complained to me that her mil forbids her granddaughter to eat chicken drumsticks because it's reserved for her precious grandsons. So the poor little girl only gets chicken wings.
Chenoneau, your mil sounds really mean and nasty. Reminds me of those chinese tv serials where the mil tortures the long-suffering dil throughout the show.

[mummy of 2]

It's really not easy to forgive and forget, especially if you still have to see the person frequently and struggle to be civil

Angelight:

Thanks, Sun. Am trying...trying very hard indeed.

Sun_2010:

[quote=\"Angelight\"]Hi chenonceau,

You are blessed to have a hubby who stands by you and speaks up for you to his mum. :hugs:

It's NEVER easy to live with MIL under the same roof. Been there, done that. And never want to try again. I was preggie with DD then and stayed with in-laws until confinement over. Almost got post-natal depression...those were the days, just want to bury it forever. :sad:

Then just do that - bury it and let go...
:hugs:

[/quote]

[buds]

sall:

Sori, I accidentally clicked 'submit' twice, how to delete double post?

I will help you delete it.

[buds]

mummy of 2:

It's really not easy to forgive and forget, especially if you still have to see the person frequently and struggle to be civil

I know watcha mean, mummy of 2. :snuggles:

It is easier said than done most times. :roll:

But yes, we have to move on whether we like
it or not. Especially when one has gone through
hell and back just to preserve one's sanity and also
save one's marriage. I have no respect for MILs who
like to say it's fine to change wives cos it's your right to
change but you only have one mom that you cannot change.
The one mom who brought you into this world and raised you well.

As for more educated MIL = to better MIL... :faint:
Soooo not true. Mine is an educated MIL hor. :roll:
She treats me like crap. I still have this thorn in my flesh each time
i have to deal with her or even talk to her.. and it hurts from time
to time but i try to conceal it out of respect for elders and out of
respect for my husband. It is very hard to respect a person who
doesn't deserve my respect. She told me to my face once and i
remember that loud and clear. Respect is earned, not granted.
I hold her to that. So keep earning lor...... :preen:

[RRMummy]

cwc:

Seriously, thanks for all the compliments (Chenoneau, RRMummy)....dun really deserve it cos' I dun do that much esp now got helper, but mentally it is stressful, very, since I am also picky and petty type.

It's true that we are faced with choices everyday and in the end we have to live with our choices good / bad. I have no advice to share but really marvel at your patience thus far..hope and pray that things will work out some how some way soon.. remember to take good care of yourself.

A little story to share http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/content/when-adversity-comes-knocking

[Chenonceau]

sall:

Chenonceau:

My MIL is educated. I kinda think education has nothing to do with it. I think that MIL just presume too much. The Chinese mentality is that when you marry a man, you cease to exist. You become part of that man's life. My in-laws would come into our room or my house and make off with MY belongings and lend them to other people without asking me. They asked my husband instead. Hence, it becomes a tussle over influence and power.

Chinese MIL believe that the grandchildren belong to them and they have rights to decide for them. Chinese MIL believe sons and daughters-in-law belong to them and they have rights to decide for them too. Chinese MIL believe that all that the son owns belongs to them... house, furniture, children, maid and wife. This gives them the confidence to come over to your house to tell the maid what to do, re-arrange your furniture the way they like, and lend your things to people THEY like. This means that nothing the DIL has belongs to her. Her husband is MIL's son. Her children are MIL's grandchildren. Her house, her furniture and her personal belongings also belong to MIL.

Even very educated MIL can have this proprietary attitude. My MIL is quite well educated. She reads poetry and plays the guzheng... paints Chinese brush painting and does calligraphy. BUT, she still disses my daughter and favours my son... and ignores me.

So maybe marry angmoh better hor... Then maybe a different set of angmoh mil problem.
Very traditional chinese mil are like that. Grandsons are emperors and granddaughters are like grass. A friend complained to me that her mil forbids her granddaughter to eat chicken drumsticks because it's reserved for her precious grandsons. So the poor little girl only gets chicken wings.
Chenoneau, your mil sounds really mean and nasty. Reminds me of those chinese tv serials where the mil tortures the long-suffering dil throughout the show.

It's ok lah... I try not to think of her as nasty lor... It's just a natural tussle over resources (children, husband, belongings). I try to frame the issue logically and take logical steps to counter it. Try to keep my emotions in check. But in my more depressed and tired moments, I do feel some self-pity but well... I think I'm better off than many DIL so... ok lah.

I think I've given a lot of myself and sometimes regret but then I always bounce back and think... well... why regret? I have other joys, and after all these years, I have developed a strange sort of fondness for her. So weird right?