HELP NEEDED BADLY - Wife's temper hitting the roof
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skunk:
Thx Skunk,
As a stay-at-home-dad, I understand what your wife is going through. Sometimes it's just insane, cooking, cleaning, caring for kids, caring for husband (for your wife, not me LOL), no/little income, low self-esteem, little contact with the outside world (now u know how come im always online?).....it's easy to become insane.LionIron:
SAHM - I think its Stay At Home Mum ?
YES. When 1st child is Pri 4 so 3 years ago.
Let your wife know u understand, and most importantly, SHE has to understand that unless she can let go, let go of all her fears, worries, frustrations, anxieties, she cannot be a good parent. Simply because her worries will backfire and become a self-fulfilling prophecy, in making your kids do even worse for studies.
Take her out at night when u come back from work (get off your lazy butt!!) for a mini-paktor session, so she can go out and relax and take her mind off what's bothering her. Sometimes, a little time-out can let her see things from another perspective.
Regular love-making can help to relieve stress n tension, despite the fatigue at the end of a long day. Exercise is another one, ironically, sometimes the more we exercise, the more energy we have.
Our emotions are all about chemicals in our body, control that and we control the emotions, more easily at least. Cut down on carbo and sugar, personally, i find the empty sugar-rush and the subsequent melt-down doing worst for my short fuse.
Once again, she has to let go. Let go of her burdens, so that she and the family can run towards a new life instead of being bogged down.
Cheers.
But U need to know these facts :
a. She don't lift a finger at home on chores - we have a housemaid.
b. She is the Angel with Friends and Relatives - On the phone she is laughing chatting and after she hangs up - she can be switch to the Anger at peak.
c. I understand and I show it in action and words and Self-made cards. I felt that she's taking advantage of me pleasing her every way.
d. I hv ask a 1000 times to go out Paktor but she's always postponing it and engross with the children.
e. She will find all excuses to refrain Lovemaking - Stomache, headache, Too Angry to do it, no mood, tired, u name it she's got it. Don't ask further...
f. I started Sat/Sun morning walks / simple exercise and ask her to join - U know the answer - too tired. (mind you she sleeps afternoon naps for 3 hours.
g. She eats mainly Homecook food.
I've used all the most beautiful and encouraging words I know for her.
I started to go home early since 1 yr ago to be \"there\" for the kids.
I also suggest she go for Pschiatric help - she brush it off justifying that he friends also have the same problem as her.
I almost died. -
skunk:
no/little income, low self-esteem, little contact with the outside world (now u know how come im always online?).....it's easy to become insane.
:celebrate:
LionIron,
This I share as a current SAHM.
You have to let your wife knows that how the kids perform is not a reflection of her ability as a SAHM. It is even more difficult when the media links the 'top psle' scorer's success with the fact that their mum is a SAHMum :roll: .
When life gets circled around the kids too much, the mum's expectations of the kids will increase as they had given a lot in terms of their time, energy and sacrifices to what they believe is for the 'good of the kid'. Maybe it's time to get her to pick up some hobbies or some other stuff to divert her energy.
On your part, step in when the temper rises. Offer to take over the coaching of the work, so that she feels that she is not alone in 'deciding the fate' of the kids' PSLE performance. Share this burden with her. In the event *touchwood*, that the kid did not perform to the desired expectations, you then have to take the fair share of responsibilities. Knowing that you are on the same boat as her (instead of merely putting bread on the table) will relieve some stress from her.
Just another query....is she holding a respectably high-paying/professional job at the time when she resigned to be a SAHM? -
tianzhu:
Tianzhu,
HiLionIron:
I'm at wits's end. My wife becomes a change person. Everytime she teaches the kids at home, she is screaming at them. The whole neighbour can hear it (I know because while walking back downstairs from carpark, I can hear her screams.
I must admit I am prone to losing my cool and screaming at my boy at times. I regretted very much after every incident asking myself why did I committed the rash act. I felt so sorry looking at his sad face.
I try very hard to practice anger management, but you know at that point, you simply go crazy and lash out.
I realise that the one I shouted at is the one most precious to me and always remind myself to keep cool. But once a while, I’ll go crazy. Sometimes my boy says it’s better for him to post questions in forums and wait for his daddy to reply. It’s so much safer than not knowing when the bomb will explode.
I know very well I must change. I’ve to work hard to change.
I was like that a few years ago. I changed because I want to be happy and have a happy family. I started to tell myself every morning, if I spend this day mad, angry, frustrated, fed-up, piss-off, etc... I just wasted 1 more day - Maybe tomorrow is my last day on earth ?
So I'm happy but I'm sad to see my wife in this vicious circle of anger.
I want to find all ways to treat her illness. -
LionIron:
maybe that's her prob. She has all the energy to focus on your kids, it's suffocating the kids and even herself.
a. She don't lift a finger at home on chores - we have a housemaid.
Get rid of the maid, when u have to cook, clean, and work part-time also, u learn to let go...simply because almost cannot cope already LOL
nolah that's a little extreme, but my point remains, she has too much energy. Energy that is manifested destructively. -
LionIron,
In view of the limited knowledge we have of the whole situation, I am only offering an alternative view of what could be happening:-LionIron:
Precisely cos she doesn't lift a finger at home on chores, she is putting the 'whole kids' academic performance' on her shoulder. Cos this is the essence of the purpose of her SAHM stint! And when the kids don't perform, she viewed it as a FAILURE on her part as a mum!Thx Skunk,
But U need to know these facts :
a. She don't lift a finger at home on chores - we have a housemaid.LionIron:
Is she faking it? Have you consider that when chatting with friends, she is actually putting down the whole stress 'burden' that she faced at home? and when the phone hung up, she is back to faced the reality and hence the moody mood?b. She is the Angel with Friends and Relatives - On the phone she is laughing chatting and after she hangs up - she can be switch to the Anger at peak.
LionIron:
How is the decision of the SAHM being made? do you have a part in deciding that she be a SAHM?c. I understand and I show it in action and words and Self-made cards. I felt that she's taking advantage of me pleasing her every way.
LionIron:
see? kids kids kids....actually a bit similar to me...:oops:d. I hv ask a 1000 times to go out Paktor but she's always postponing it and engross with the children.
LionIron:
if the root of the problem (about all the anger she feel being thrown into the 'situation' at home) cannot be solved, it is unlikely that you can get any further.e. She will find all excuses to refrain Lovemaking - Stomache, headache, Too Angry to do it, no mood, tired, u name it she's got it. Don't ask further...
LionIron:
mind you, i as a SAHM, naps for that amount too daily. it is not how many hours of nap one gets. it is how rested one gets when one rests. the long naps may also be a sign of depression as she who feels depress may turn to sleep to escape from the realities of life.f. I started Sat/Sun morning walks / simple exercise and ask her to join - U know the answer - too tired. (mind you she sleeps afternoon naps for 3 hours.
LionIron:
:?g. She eats mainly Homecook food.
LionIron:
I've used all the most beautiful and encouraging words I know for her.
I started to go home early since 1 yr ago to be \"there\" for the kids.
I also suggest she go for Pschiatric help - she brush it off justifying that he friends also have the same problem as her.
I almost died.
You should seriously consider talking to her to find out if she misses going back to work.
JMHO. -
just to add,
i think that your wife is feeling ‘trapped’. she is on a ‘mission’ to get the kids to perform for their PSLE and that she is feeling desperate cos she could not control the outcome of her investment in time/effort/energy. it also doesn’t help if she is yearning for the independence, confidence in handling issues/managing outcomes, interaction with peers and is currently stuck with the ‘situation’ at home. she may not want to give up what she is trying to do at home if she is a perfectionist and that the act of giving up reflects badly on her own abilities. if she had chosen to go back to work and that the kid ended up doing badly for their psle, where will the blame lies?
you should also consider talking to the kids. let them know the amount of stress the mum is going through.
all the best. -
Hi Lioniron,
Would like to share 2 tips on how I cope. It helped me and I've shared with some of my friends who are facing the same problems of managing their expectations.
Sign both of you up for yoga lessons. Not hot yoga but ashtanga yoga which stresses on breathing techniques for a calmer mind.
Give meditation a try. Free podcasts provided by the meditation society of Australia.
http://meditation.org.au/podcast_description.asp?feed=http://meditation.org.au/learntomeditate.xml&xtitle=Learn
Download them and start with lesson 1. She'll soon be immersed in the messages they share..postitive messages like the meaning of life, offering and receiving love, humility and I think the most important of all for her is the message of Letting Go(Class 16).
These help me manage my anger and lower my expectations of the kids so I'm not obsessed by their grades in school. My girl bore the brunt of my temper during her primary years. Even my maid used to be at the receiving end of my outbursts.
Yoga and exercise helped me become a calmer person when dealing with her and our relationship has improved so much over the years.
During her difficult, stressed-out O level year, I started meditation to cope with my anxiety, to forgive and to be grateful for what we have. After I dropped the kids off, I'll head for the beach twice a week to meditate and just be at peace with myself.
Take care and keep trying! -
I truly believe that not everyone is cut out to teach their own children. In fact most of us can't. I am very impatient myself and when coaching dd her spelling (mind you just preschool spelling only) can drive me nuts at times. I can literally turn into a monster. I have to catch myself at these times and time myself out.
Sounds to me your wife is dissatisfied about certain things but is unable to resolve it and over time, seems t be taking a lot of it out on the kids. She may or may not be fully aware of how bad things are. Anyway for her to see herself in that ugly mode? CCTV or something? (just a thought)
If things are as bad as they are all the time now and the kids are so affected, you may want to make a stand and insist that she gets help. People who are in a situation like that usually are not able to get out themselves, either cos they don't know how to or are in denial that they need help. (1st thought that comes to mind, Focus on the Family, http://www.family.org.sg)
If there is someone whom she listens to or respects, (priest, religious leader, sibling, relative, etc) get their help to talk to her about getting professional help. She may feel betrayed initially but if things improve in your family, I believe she will eventually realise that you were trying to help. -
LionIron:
After hearing about your story, that reminds me of myself.
I now stopped being Angry at her and everytime she Blows her top, I hug her and give support and kind words. I have to hug the children too as they are crying almost every night...
My husband asked me to quit my fairly paid job to look after my only child. Although I have no regret of quit my job, still in my heart I feel like financially useless person and all my past education has been wasted. And especially feel hurts when the child doesn't understand my sacrifice and ask me \"why you don't go to work and stay at home?\"
so somehow, I understand how your wife feel. In certain extend, by making sure that the child's physical and academic excellence is probably the only way to feel sense of success. To be able to justify the 'purpose' of SAHM.
In order to divert the attention/expectation/tention on my child, I took part time job. It does help a little.
I think what you did above is very good as a husband. Constantly hug her and give your support. Don't interfere when she discipline the child. Ask her to cool down 1st to see if you can take over. Don't ever mentioned that she has sickness (No women would like to hear that even if she really need treatment or anger management).
hope it helps. -
Funz:
I truly believe that not everyone is cut out to teach their own children. In fact most of us can't. I am very impatient myself and when coaching dd her spelling (mind you just preschool spelling only) can drive me nuts at times. I can literally turn into a monster. I have to catch myself at these times and time myself out.
Very true ... at least I can't do that too.
Always thought I'm the only one ...
At times, do have the thought of being a SAHM, but I know I'm not up to it.
Believed not everyone can handle this job well, at least not me :oops:
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