HELP NEEDED BADLY - Wife's temper hitting the roof

[jedamum]

LionIron,

In view of the limited knowledge we have of the whole situation, I am only offering an alternative view of what could be happening:-

LionIron:

Thx Skunk,
But U need to know these facts :
a. She don't lift a finger at home on chores - we have a housemaid.

Precisely cos she doesn't lift a finger at home on chores, she is putting the 'whole kids' academic performance' on her shoulder. Cos this is the essence of the purpose of her SAHM stint! And when the kids don't perform, she viewed it as a FAILURE on her part as a mum!

LionIron:

b. She is the Angel with Friends and Relatives - On the phone she is laughing chatting and after she hangs up - she can be switch to the Anger at peak.

Is she faking it? Have you consider that when chatting with friends, she is actually putting down the whole stress 'burden' that she faced at home? and when the phone hung up, she is back to faced the reality and hence the moody mood?

LionIron:

c. I understand and I show it in action and words and Self-made cards. I felt that she's taking advantage of me pleasing her every way.

How is the decision of the SAHM being made? do you have a part in deciding that she be a SAHM?

LionIron:

d. I hv ask a 1000 times to go out Paktor but she's always postponing it and engross with the children.

see? kids kids kids....actually a bit similar to me...:oops:

LionIron:

e. She will find all excuses to refrain Lovemaking - Stomache, headache, Too Angry to do it, no mood, tired, u name it she's got it. Don't ask further...

if the root of the problem (about all the anger she feel being thrown into the 'situation' at home) cannot be solved, it is unlikely that you can get any further.

LionIron:

f. I started Sat/Sun morning walks / simple exercise and ask her to join - U know the answer - too tired. (mind you she sleeps afternoon naps for 3 hours.

mind you, i as a SAHM, naps for that amount too daily. it is not how many hours of nap one gets. it is how rested one gets when one rests. the long naps may also be a sign of depression as she who feels depress may turn to sleep to escape from the realities of life.

LionIron:

g. She eats mainly Homecook food.

:?

LionIron:

I've used all the most beautiful and encouraging words I know for her.

I started to go home early since 1 yr ago to be \"there\" for the kids.
I also suggest she go for Pschiatric help - she brush it off justifying that he friends also have the same problem as her.
I almost died.

You should seriously consider talking to her to find out if she misses going back to work.

JMHO.

[jedamum]

just to add,


i think that your wife is feeling ‘trapped’. she is on a ‘mission’ to get the kids to perform for their PSLE and that she is feeling desperate cos she could not control the outcome of her investment in time/effort/energy. it also doesn’t help if she is yearning for the independence, confidence in handling issues/managing outcomes, interaction with peers and is currently stuck with the ‘situation’ at home. she may not want to give up what she is trying to do at home if she is a perfectionist and that the act of giving up reflects badly on her own abilities. if she had chosen to go back to work and that the kid ended up doing badly for their psle, where will the blame lies?

you should also consider talking to the kids. let them know the amount of stress the mum is going through.

all the best.

[mathsparks]

Hi Lioniron,


Would like to share 2 tips on how I cope. It helped me and I've shared with some of my friends who are facing the same problems of managing their expectations.

Sign both of you up for yoga lessons. Not hot yoga but ashtanga yoga which stresses on breathing techniques for a calmer mind.

Give meditation a try. Free podcasts provided by the meditation society of Australia.
http://meditation.org.au/podcast_description.asp?feed=http://meditation.org.au/learntomeditate.xml&xtitle=Learn

Download them and start with lesson 1. She'll soon be immersed in the messages they share..postitive messages like the meaning of life, offering and receiving love, humility and I think the most important of all for her is the message of Letting Go(Class 16).

These help me manage my anger and lower my expectations of the kids so I'm not obsessed by their grades in school. My girl bore the brunt of my temper during her primary years. Even my maid used to be at the receiving end of my outbursts.

Yoga and exercise helped me become a calmer person when dealing with her and our relationship has improved so much over the years.

During her difficult, stressed-out O level year, I started meditation to cope with my anxiety, to forgive and to be grateful for what we have. After I dropped the kids off, I'll head for the beach twice a week to meditate and just be at peace with myself.

Take care and keep trying!

[Funz]

I truly believe that not everyone is cut out to teach their own children. In fact most of us can't. I am very impatient myself and when coaching dd her spelling (mind you just preschool spelling only) can drive me nuts at times. I can literally turn into a monster. I have to catch myself at these times and time myself out.


Sounds to me your wife is dissatisfied about certain things but is unable to resolve it and over time, seems t be taking a lot of it out on the kids. She may or may not be fully aware of how bad things are. Anyway for her to see herself in that ugly mode? CCTV or something? (just a thought)

If things are as bad as they are all the time now and the kids are so affected, you may want to make a stand and insist that she gets help. People who are in a situation like that usually are not able to get out themselves, either cos they don't know how to or are in denial that they need help. (1st thought that comes to mind, Focus on the Family, http://www.family.org.sg)

If there is someone whom she listens to or respects, (priest, religious leader, sibling, relative, etc) get their help to talk to her about getting professional help. She may feel betrayed initially but if things improve in your family, I believe she will eventually realise that you were trying to help.

[amylqf]

LionIron:

I now stopped being Angry at her and everytime she Blows her top, I hug her and give support and kind words. I have to hug the children too as they are crying almost every night...

After hearing about your story, that reminds me of myself.
My husband asked me to quit my fairly paid job to look after my only child. Although I have no regret of quit my job, still in my heart I feel like financially useless person and all my past education has been wasted. And especially feel hurts when the child doesn't understand my sacrifice and ask me \"why you don't go to work and stay at home?\"

so somehow, I understand how your wife feel. In certain extend, by making sure that the child's physical and academic excellence is probably the only way to feel sense of success. To be able to justify the 'purpose' of SAHM.

In order to divert the attention/expectation/tention on my child, I took part time job. It does help a little.

I think what you did above is very good as a husband. Constantly hug her and give your support. Don't interfere when she discipline the child. Ask her to cool down 1st to see if you can take over. Don't ever mentioned that she has sickness (No women would like to hear that even if she really need treatment or anger management).

hope it helps.

[happymom_aa]

Funz:

I truly believe that not everyone is cut out to teach their own children. In fact most of us can't. I am very impatient myself and when coaching dd her spelling (mind you just preschool spelling only) can drive me nuts at times. I can literally turn into a monster. I have to catch myself at these times and time myself out.

Very true ... at least I can't do that too.
Always thought I'm the only one ...
At times, do have the thought of being a SAHM, but I know I'm not up to it.
Believed not everyone can handle this job well, at least not me :oops:

[LionIron]

insider:

maybe you should consider to sub out those academdc workt to tuitior and let your wife focus on the nurturing part of your child/children. I my self, an alomost full blown early childhood educator, don't believe in giving tuition to my own kids. I may hv the whole universe of patience with the kids of other parents but when come to my kids, the theories just cant translate into practice.


That's why my constant advice to all parents has been if you cant tuition your child with patience that your child deserves, then better sub out to someone else else you will strain all the relationships in a family.

I prefer to hve cordial relationships with my kids and husband than to lose my temper over careless school work. Somehow, I really can manage carelessness by kids of other parents but when come to own kids, my patience tends to be shorter. I know my own shortcoming and weakness and so never attempt to tuition my own kids (btw, I don't really believe in tuition and my kids only have tuition only under absolutely neccesary situation else they are expected to be on their own and shown me their effort...).

You may want to assess your wife's temperament. Maybe she is more suited to a working mum and at stay at home mum. If you ask me to be a stay at home mu, probably I will go crazy coz there's there is so much more than I think I can do than to advocate myself sole for my own kids. So, assessing her temperament and needs may be a good start.

PS: Post written after a 'political' gathering with my stafff (have to entertain more than 100 staff and not easy as these come from different countries with different needs/expectations/etc and so really exhausting). Tiring and really down with fatigue coz of their mostly immatured thiniking and behaviour (up to date, early childhood educators are still not up to that kind of mark that I expect them to be so and I have to patient and try to nurture as much as I can). Working mum does have stress but this stress can be taken as a challenge. If only stay at home mum can take those issues/problems face when handling their child/children at home as challenges, then everything can be tackled positively, else it will be just a chore = frustration = unhappiness in the family = all hell break loose...

She chose to stop working in the Bank in 2001 to look after the kids and also because of working stress. I was initially against it but gave-in.

With the current problem, I encourage her to find work but she refused saying she has no relevant skills now and she wants to see the children complete their PSLE then she will consider.

The 2 children have tuitions for ALL subjects. She bought assesment books to supplement - she wanted to be sure they know what they were taught. Unfortunately - they didn't absorb much from school /tuition + higher incidences of carelessness = Explosion of Anger.

She is aware of her problem fortunately. She listens to no one - only her friends - whom I find is feeding her justifications to behave this way as they too are \"in the same Boat\". I told her that 10 wrongs is not equal 1 right. She must breakaway from this bondage.

I hear Yoga from someone here. Its tough already to have 10mins of her time to chat. She prefers to read the newspapers, watch TV, teach the kids chat with friends over the phone.

The only chat from her is 100% pure Instructional words - even to me nowadays - buy this, fix that, call this, fetch me, kids this time, that time, very little serious heart to heart talk or casual ones.

I felt like a Maid, repairman, telephone operator, taxi driver and ATM all roll into one.

My friend gave this remark that hurts but quite true - she is no longer your wife - she is the mother of your children...

I'm changing for the better and Eugene Low Slice of Life is my uplifter each morning as I began to change myself 1st and I'm seeing my wife in very different light - someone that needs more love from me tirelessly, patiently.

Thank you very one for your kindness and thoughtfulness and pointers.
I learnt alot.

[jedamum]

LionIron:

She listens to no one - only her friends - whom I find is feeding her justifications to behave this way as they too are \"in the same Boat\".

:idea: maybe you should delete away this thread and then invite her to this kiasu platform for us to befriend her? :evil:

anyway, all the best.

[kitty2]

[quote]She chose to stop working in the Bank in 2001 to look after the kids and also because of working stress. I was initially against it but gave-in.


With the current problem, I encourage her to find work but she refused saying she has no relevant skills now and she wants to see the children complete their PSLE then she will consider.

The 2 children have tuitions for ALL subjects. She bought assesment books to supplement - she wanted to be sure they know what they were taught. Unfortunately - they didn't absorb much from school /tuition + higher incidences of carelessness = Explosion of Anger.

She is aware of her problem fortunately. She listens to no one - only her friends - whom I find is feeding her justifications to behave this way as they too are \"in the same Boat\". I told her that 10 wrongs is not equal 1 right. She must breakaway from this bondage.

I hear Yoga from someone here. Its tough already to have 10mins of her time to chat. She prefers to read the newspapers, watch TV, teach the kids chat with friends over the phone.

The only chat from her is 100% pure Instructional words - even to me nowadays - buy this, fix that, call this, fetch me, kids this time, that time, very little serious heart to heart talk or casual ones.

I felt like a Maid, repairman, telephone operator, taxi driver and ATM all roll into one.

My friend gave this remark that hurts but quite true - she is no longer your wife - she is the mother of your children...

I'm changing for the better and Eugene Low Slice of Life is my uplifter each morning as I began to change myself 1st and I'm seeing my wife in very different light - someone that needs more love from me tirelessly, patiently.

Thank you very one for your kindness and thoughtfulness and pointers.
I learnt alot.[/quote]Wow!!! :udaman: you're a fantastic and patient husband,hard to come by.Perhaps,only God can help her and have a breakthrough in your situation.It'll be unhealthy to continue such life style.

All the best and God Bless you.

[skunk]

give her 2 tight slaps and say


\"limpei warn u stop being crazy, or i'll send u to mad people hospital ah!!!\"

nolah kidding hehe. Maybe u should joke with her/watch comedies with her sometimes. I think she's highly strung...a relaxed home environment might help. U will feel less stressed too

Cheers.