HELP NEEDED BADLY - Wife's temper hitting the roof

[Yong HL]

Hi LionIron


I agree with kitty2 that you are really a thumbs-up husband! i also agree with most parents here that our patience is quite short when teaching our own kids. i also scream at my girl when teaching her until we ended in frustrations nearly every lessons. Even my husband dare not make noise when i scream and scold. I realised something is not right. Thankfully, the parents in this forum really helped me and now, i have changed my tactics, do up a roster to coach her. Lessons now are less tensed... Good luck to you and i definately recommend you to fren her up with us here...

[MLR]

skunk:

Bipolar can be successfully controlled, Sodium Valporate is good, although it'll make the patient real fat LOL

He is on it now. But u know how it is that when he is feeling fine, he would be tempted to stop, which was what happened b4 this episode.

The trigger has been my parents, they were getting from bad to worst. So we took the opportunity of my bro's last admission to forced them into submission to counselling.

Sorry, didn't mean to ride on this thread :oops:

[Lock]

Yong HL:

i also agree with most parents here that our patience is quite short when teaching our own kids. i also scream at my girl when teaching her until we ended in frustrations nearly every lessons. Even my husband dare not make noise when i scream and scold. I realised something is not right.

Wow, aren't I glad to have chanced upon this thread. At least now I know I was not alone. I also used to scream and went 'crazy' while tutoring my girl. The feeling after that was super lousy and many a times I questioned my role as a mother.

After seeking numerous advice and reading up parenting books, I came to this conclusion. The main reason we are super impatient with our kids' learning is that we have very high expectations of them. We want them to be genius, to score in tests and exams, to make us proud with their academic achievements. We have no patience for them to learn slowly, we want them to fly, to get it right after 1 or the most 2nd tries.

If we teach them with the expectation of them scoring high marks, we teach with frustration, but if we teach them with the objective of them gaining knowledge, we will teach with patience.

Now, I keep reminding myself to not push my children. When u push them, they will only go a short distance and u have to continue pushing to complete the whole journey. Very tiring! However, if we hold their hands and walk beside them, we can cover greater distance and the journey becomes more pleasant.

Just my 2 cents' worth.

[mrswongtuition]

This is the reason why I do not want to be a SAHM if we could afford it.


I think your wife needs new friends & some hobbies. Think back to BEFORE kids came into the picture, what did your wife enjoy doing? Entice her to pick up some hobbies. It could be learning an instrument or just going for courses (upgrade herself to get ready to join workforce when your kids are in sec sch). There are alot of parenting workshops available that she can attend to know more parents & also ‘upgrade’ herself on education so that it’ll be less frustrating for her.

I honestly think your wife is very fortunate to have you. Maybe she’s leading a complacent life, resulting in her current behaviour. Everything’s basically taken care of & she’s ‘not needed’ anymore.

It can be quite depressing if you do not have a ‘responsiblity’ so she takes the kids’ results as her personal responsiblity. It could also be ‘society at play’. People around her telling her that her kids must be doing well in school as she’s a SAHM & can coach/monitor them.

I also think the mental stress she’s giving the kids is not healthy for them in the long run & they will resist studying very soon. I’ve seen kids who have been pushed by their mums so hard that they refuse to write a word on their exam papers. It’s very sad as the whole family went into depression, denial & started to blame each other.

I know it’s difficult to tell your wife she’s got a problem & she needs to solve it. But I think you can start off by buying some relevant parenting books for her. No need to tell her she has a problem, just tell her someone recommended those books to help teach your children better. Encourage her to read it (best if you can read it first). Sometimes we simply hate people telling us that we are WRONG, just let us discover on our own might be a better option.

If leaving subtle hints don’t work, I’ll propose family counselling. The whole family goes in for counselling to not only solve your wife’s problems but also to help the kids get over the hurt. At the same time, the family can discuss & re-evaluate your expections of each other. This way, your wife will not feel that the whole ‘problem’ lies with her as the counsellor will always point out that certain behaviours from the children were contributing factors & the counsellor will encourage the children to make a promise/pledge to improve those behaviours so that mummy does not need to ‘explode’ at them.

Hope my suggestions will help. Do give your kids the assurance that it’s not their fault but they need to be more conscious of their actions.

[ZacK]

LionIron:

I'm changing for the better and Eugene Low Slice of Life is my uplifter each morning as I began to change myself 1st and I'm seeing my wife in very different light - someone that needs more love from me tirelessly, patiently.

Thank you very one for your kindness and thoughtfulness and pointers.
I learnt alot.

You need to give yourself a BIG pat on the back... Feel free to rant here online in the forum if it helps you to let out some of the \"steam\" you are facing... Gotta take good care of yourself and give urself a break too... So that you will not snap cos your family needs you to hold them together :celebrate:

[heutistmeintag]

LionIron, be strong and persevere. I am sure you will get good advice here and things will get better. Jia you! :xedfingers: :hugs:

[edanson]

Not too sure if my suggestion will help but seriously I think you should bring him to a specialist - brain specialist.


I got to know a SAHM who was like your wife but she is not coaching her kids .
She resigned from work, supposed to take care of the kids and house but end up watching television daily . She did not do any housework nor cook. Her very patient husband (like you) did everything from bathing the kids, coming home before lunch to cook or buy food home for children and wife and son. BUT she just scream and shout at times and even hit the kids for being noisy and she told her sister-in-law that she wish to ex-change husband with her as she commented that her sister-in-law's husband is more handsom and capable. She admired people with branded goods especially those 'tai tai' in the movies (watch too much movies).

However, after all this the problem is currently solved. Her husband brought her to a apecialist and she was treated with medication. Medication that cost them about S$300 per month. The doctor mentioned something like her brain is producing some additional 'juice' that resulted in her 'crazy' actions.

Now, she does some minor cooking for kids when husband is busy and bath the kids if the busband is working. But the busband still doing most of the things.

The Main Point is bring her to a doctor before things go too far.

May all Gods ( Goddess of Mercy, Buddha, Jesus, Alah, etc., etc. ) blessed you, your wife and your children. Take care.

[edanson]

Not too sure if my suggestion will help but seriously I think you should bring him to a specialist - brain specialist.


I got to know a SAHM who was like your wife but she is not coaching her kids .
She resigned from work, supposed to take care of the kids and house but end up watching television daily . She did not do any housework nor cook. Her very patient husband (like you) did everything from bathing the kids, coming home before lunch to cook or buy food home for children and wife and son. BUT she just scream and shout at times and even hit the kids for being noisy and she told her sister-in-law that she wish to ex-change husband with her as she commented that her sister-in-law's husband is more handsom and capable. She admired people with branded goods especially those 'tai tai' in the movies (watch too much movies).

However, after all this the problem is currently solved. Her husband brought her to a apecialist and she was treated with medication. Medication that cost them about S$300 per month. The doctor mentioned something like her brain is producing some additional 'juice' that resulted in her 'crazy' actions.

Now, she does some minor cooking for kids when husband is busy and bath the kids if the busband is working. But the busband still doing most of the things.

The Main Point is bring her to a doctor before things go too far.

May all Gods ( Goddess of Mercy, Buddha, Jesus, Alah, etc., etc. ) blessed you, your wife and your children. Take care.

[Jennifer]

LionIron:

The 2 children have tuitions for ALL subjects. She bought assesment books to supplement - she wanted to be sure they know what they were taught. Unfortunately - they didn't absorb much from school /tuition + higher incidences of carelessness = Explosion of Anger.

Are your children deprived of sleep->inability to concentrate->bad grades?

You mentioned your wife stayed at home in 2001 when your 1st child was in P4. How was your child performing in sch then?

I believe in brain food. Hence I made sure my boys take a DHA supplement, eat fish daily, stay away from soft drinks or anything stuff that contain artificial sugars. I also scream at my boys to go to bed latest by 10pm and made sure my younger one has at least 10 hours of sleep. My experiences with my elder boy is if he stays up a few nights, he will fall sick.

My elder boy has Chinese tuition after my attempts to coach him personally left him hating the subject and I fuming mad. Like many mums here, I don't hv the patience. Maybe you need to find out why the children are still not performing despite the tuitions/coaching from your wife.

Sch prelims is ard the corner. Maybe your wife would feel more pressure this period. If she resists going out with you alone, then what about bringing the whole family out? If she wants to stay at home, then let her, but bring the children out to enjoy themselves.

Btw my elder boy (P6 this year) still makes careless mistakes. Nothing much I can do. I used to be angry, took away some privileges, made him do more assessments- all useless attempts.

[cnimed]

[quote]Thx Skunk,

But U need to know these facts :
a. She don't lift a finger at home on chores - we have a housemaid.
b. She is the Angel with Friends and Relatives - On the phone she is laughing chatting and after she hangs up - she can be switch to the Anger at peak.
c. I understand and I show it in action and words and Self-made cards. I felt that she's taking advantage of me pleasing her every way.
d. I hv ask a 1000 times to go out Paktor but she's always postponing it and engross with the children.
e. She will find all excuses to refrain Lovemaking - Stomache, headache, Too Angry to do it, no mood, tired, u name it she's got it. Don't ask further...
f. I started Sat/Sun morning walks / simple exercise and ask her to join - U know the answer - too tired. (mind you she sleeps afternoon naps for 3 hours.
g. She eats mainly Homecook food.

I've used all the most beautiful and encouraging words I know for her.[/quote]wah LionIron, I gotta propose - you want to be my husband?

Your kids are lucky. At least you are not caving into the pressure yet. Good luck! Lots of deep breathing, and tell the kids they are still good kids no matter what ya?