HELP NEEDED BADLY - Wife's temper hitting the roof
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maybe her temper is like this, is because deep inside, she feels insecure...and maybe the reason is because u r too giving?
I believe that under our modern clothes, we're all just cavemen and cavewomen trying to pretend we're not. And sometimes the cavewoman must be put in her place. This is not to put her down, but it'll help her heart settle down, knowing that a Strong Man is in charge, that she has nothing to worry about, even if the cave collapses, u will hold up her sky for her
That's the case in my \"cave\". My word is her command. Yes, i'm very MCP, i call all the shots, so she doesn't have to worry about decision-making and all the consequences of it. And it keeps her stress-free and worry-free
Cheers. -
skunk:
Skunk, I never saw it that way...but yes, my dad's a quiet but firm guy. Mum's usually the mouth-piece of the family.I believe that under our modern clothes, we're all just cavemen and cavewomen trying to pretend we're not. And sometimes the cavewoman must be put in her place. This is not to put her down, but it'll help her heart settle down, knowing that a Strong Man is in charge, that she has nothing to worry about, even if the cave collapses, u will hold up her sky for her
That's the case in my \"cave\". My word is her command. Yes, i'm very MCP, i call all the shots, so she doesn't have to worry about decision-making and all the consequences of it. And it keeps her stress-free and worry-free
Cheers.
DH comes from a family of MCP's (at family dinners, initially all males will sit at the same table while the womenfolk and/or children at another... :stupid: I changed that by insisting that DH sits with us but that's another tale) but he lets me take charge of things in the family...I get frus with that coz I feel it's his way of cop-out! So now, I know where I'm going, just consult him loh :celebrate:, so it's a joint decision...win-win... -
Lock:
I love these sentences of yours!
If we teach them with the expectation of them scoring high marks, we teach with frustration, but if we teach them with the objective of them gaining knowledge, we will teach with patience.
Now, I keep reminding myself to not push my children. When u push them, they will only go a short distance and u have to continue pushing to complete the whole journey. Very tiring! However, if we hold their hands and walk beside them, we can cover greater distance and the journey becomes more pleasant.
Just my 2 cents' worth.
I've been reading this thread because my husband is the person as it describe in the first post of this thread. I've been trying ways to help him. I'd sourced for some self-awareness, anger management talks for him to attend but he turned it down.
When he is at the peak of anger while teaching, he refused my offer to take over for that moment to cool down...
Im not as positive as \"IronLion\". I'm getting sick and tired of his shouting
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Hey LionIron - goodness, I really sympathize. Not sure what I can contribute here beyond what the others have already said.
You should probably know by now that women are not creatures of logic; and logical rationalization is a tactic men try to use, usually in the beginning, to little effect.
I consider your wife to be in a descending spiral of deterioration. The more she behaves like this, the worse things will get.
(It is very strange when one thinks about it - why do people, in anger, target their own families to vent their frustration at? Shouldn’t family be a source of solace?)
What your wife probably needs to see is that, because doing what she’s doing is ONLY going to get things WORSE, NEVER better, she needs to realize that she needs to do a 180-degree turn. Instead of expecting more from your kids, she needs to expect less. Instead of asking for perfection, she needs to ask for ordinariness.
This is the difficult part - your role is to make your wife see and make this paradigm shift. It involves a leap of faith as well, to try and let go of high expectations in order to achieve something slightly lower, but not necessary low.
If reasoning with your wife on this doesn’t work, you’ll have to really take the high-handed route. You may need to act the classic, traditional husband and "whip" her into submission. I know this sounds politically incorrect but it doesn’t have to be. There is a reason why we discipline children, and the reason can be applied to adults. I’m not suggesting ANY particular method, but you have to take command somehow. You should probably have to stop reasoning, and stop bring Mr Nice Guy, which is not often a good thing to be these days. Take charge and accept no arguments. -
Sometimes you guys have to understand that it is not easy to be SAHM and handle children & keep track their performance.
I do blow my top at my children especially when I felt that I have tried my best but they still shown no concern over their work.
Sometimes a good talk with the children does help both parties.
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Agree with sashimi and skunk. I’m a FTWM, there are times when I wish my DH will take charge - rather than leaving me to make all the choices. I find that going out by ourselves together at times helps make the relationship better - doesn’t have to be a formal paktor session, just a walk around to simmer down.
It’s not good for your kids to get scolded or screamed constantly. she has to learn to see from THEIR point of view. what good will it be if they are driven to dislike studying…is that what she is trying to do?
I am guilty of screaming at my kids (esp DS1) but have since tried my best not to do so. Found that parenting books like James Dobson (he’s Christian btw, in case you mind) really help me put things into focus.
Good luck with you and your family. it’s not going to be easy, but you have to fight for what you believe in! -
LionIron-Don’t know whether this approach will work on your wife. As everyone here agrees, coaching our own kids is a nightmare because of our high expectations. I too was one of them – I used to yell and bang the table (tried to suppress but no use…water still boil over liao) when I was coaching her – especially in moments I know that dd was not paying full attention, was slow in responding, making same careless mistakes over and over despite earlier reprimands…etc Then I hear stories of children committing suicide over exam/performance pressure – it really scared me and it suddenly “jerked” me up. I slowly realize that this undue stress on my child is not worth the risk. The fact is I don’t know whether she knows how to handle stress and expectations as most suicides happen at the spur of moment without any capacity to rationalize… I tell myself I rather have a non-performing but “undistressed” child than losing her over some stupid exams (pardon me MOE!)… From that point, I “forced” myself to change…I trained myself to let go bit by bit, more and more… and nowadays when she makes careless mistakes, I ask her “can you see smoke coming out of my ears”?..and she will laugh instead.
My husband is also short tempered when it comes to teaching her – I shared with him such suicide stories and my fear too and after that, I also noticed he has somewhat “cooled” down. So perhaps one approach is to find a good opportunity one day and share with your wife such stories and “your fears”? (to make it less confrontational and less accusative). Hopefully, it will jerk her up like how it had happened to me!
Do be strong for your children’s sake. Looks like only you can hold the family together. Continue to shower your kids with much love so that they know there’s sunshine after each storm! -
Hi LionIron,
Able to guess what are the root problems contributing to your current situation?
Key clues to look out for:
1) Has your wife ever grumbled about anything (it can range from anything like you, children, maid, house)?
2) What does your wife like to chat about over the phone with her friends?
3) How does she behave when she’s out on family gatherings?
4) When did you start noticing her changed behaviour (since you’ve mentioned that your wife is a changed person)?
DH and I were making WILD guesses on your current situation and we listed out a few possibilities (don’t mean to be offensive here but trying to find the root problem of how she feels, which converts to how she reacts, which causes her current reaction to the poor kids):
#1 She feels that you’re not helping out in the house (children’s education, housechores)
#2 She feels that you are ‘useless’ to have around (career wise, family directions etc)
#3 She has someone else
#4 She is feeling lonely
#5 There is just too much conflict when she needs to face the children 24 by 7
#6 She feels useless and helpless (when it comes to educating the children)
#7 She is having some medical problems that she doesn’t feel comfortable communicating to you
#8 She feels that you look down on her current social status (some of your words might have hurt her)
We need more clues. Basically, you need to recall back, and not to be preoccupied with solving your current issues. It’s the root problem you need to identify.
Just 2c worth. -
[Editor's note: Topic selected and edited for http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/content/reflections-ourselves-parents.]
Hi all,
I attended a funeral today. The deceased had cancer and left behind 2 very young children (aged 7, 4). As I saw the husband crying while carrying the younger child and waving goodbye to the coffin as it was pushed to be cremated, I was choked with emotion.
I asked myself this question: \"Have I taken my complete family life for granted?\"
Many of us are pushing our children to excel academically, that we create tension and stress in the family. In the name of academic excellence and a bright future, we hurt the ones closest to us. Is it all worth it? At the end of this stressful journey, our children may score 250 or higher for PSLE but that is it, nothing else! No love, no happiness!
Be thankful we have a complete family, a spouse and children to shower our love onto.
Do not take our loved ones, esp our children for granted. Our kids shd get into the top schs with their efforts and not with us pushing and overstretching them. They deserve to have a happy childhood. -
Lock:
Lock, thank you for the reality check. This is very timely indeed...
Many of us are pushing our children to excel academically, that we create tension and stress in the family. In the name of academic excellence and a bright future, we hurt the ones closest to us. Is it all worth it? At the end of this stressful journey, our children may score 250 or higher for PSLE but that is it, nothing else! No love, no happiness!
......
Do not take our loved ones, esp our children for granted. Our kids shd get into the top schs with their efforts and not with us pushing and overstretching them. They deserve to have a happy childhood.
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