Advice - Divorce or Not to Divorce

[Fluffy]

I forgot to add on. Whatever evidence you have gathered, please make sure you make a copy and leave it with your close friends or siblings. I have a copy of photos, recordings, documents etc which my sister collected. This is to prevent the other half from destroying the evidence especially when he is still staying with you.

[Ahmih]

if a couple got 2 preschool kids, should divorce or not? Situations as such:


1. husband visited prostitutes when wife was pregnant with 1st child, right up to 2nd child. Only stop when wife found out a couple of months before giving birth to 2nd child. after that, wife thinks husband still visit those gals 'once a while', caught some sms on husband hp to pimp.

2. husband before marriage already has porn addiction, after kids, still continues to treat it a 'hobby'. Now his wife understand why he is so addicted to that, bcos of prostitutes visits.

3. Husband had on 3 occasions hit wife over porn. I think the wife only reported to police on the 3rd time. and always, husband say sorry later and won't happen again. But still... what's to be trusted here?

4. Wife feels very insulted and sad with his porn addiction, threaten divorce bcos he wants to keep the 'hobby' and also wife feels insecure and husband said he'll give up, but still secretly download and viewed. Should she carry out the threat? with the evidence that she gathered against him, they will expire in 3 weeks time.

5. I think there's no sex between them already, or poor sex if there's any.

6. only committed to stay for kids. Husband feel must keep family intact for kids sake. Asked the wife to think for the kids too. Wife agrees family should be intact, but have great difficulty trusting the husband again. She feels his words are empty.

7. Wife feels husband jus want to pay bills, act as father and still fool around eventually. Although right now he said he wants to work on marriage. Efforts seems slow or none.

8. On normal days, eveything seems 'perfect' and children are happy. Upon close look at parent's relationship, broken.

9. Make things complicated, parenting style very different. Wife is strict and wants to set boundaries, husband is a big child who will bend and break all rules. Wife always think of kids need, husband always think of his own needs and sometimes wife's.

Anyone can advise? :idea:

[Busymom]

Hi Ahmih,


So what is your own opinion on this?

[skunk]

even as a man myself, i can’t understand what’s so fun about having an affair, fling or visit pros.


Why can’t they just have a beer, go fishing, or play with dogs?

[Ahmih]

Busymom:

Hi Ahmih,


So what is your own opinion on this?

Well, I told my friend she has to make up her mind and picture herself like 5 to 10 years down the road. Can she imagine herself with her husband? If anything similar happen again, will she be able to take the blow? Which decision will have a greater slice of regret?

She feels that it may be better for her and her husband to be friends and work together for the kids sake. She doesn't think she can take a 'relapse' from her husband. And it wasn't so much for regret as it is for fear that her kids' future is 'ruin'.

she told me at times, she felt happy that the family is going out but the moment she detect a tinge of her husband 'wavering focus' away from her, she gets upset and not able to focus on the kids' need. Even downloading porn upsets her as she feels it's a symptom for lust - unfulfil sexual desire. I remember her telling me, her husband 'change' temporary for this interim period. He is still lusty after young pretty girls in his bone.

It feels draggy to me. Quite obvious that her spousal relationship has broken down (beyond counseling I think), but she still doubt that and wonder if counseling will help at all. Maybe a Spore John Gray can rescue her out of misery... She has to live her life and stop sitting on the fence, isn't it?

[winth]

Hi Ahmih,


I think the wife loves the husband, intimacy is affected due to the betrayal, but at the same time husband seems to be showing 'signs of wanting family intact'. It's quite obvious that both of them wants to be together and not break up, but just didn't know where and how to start. Personally, I think there is still a chance to the road of recovery. And counselling will definitely help! But only if both husband and wife attend the sessions and go through the follow-ups.

To stop porn addiction is as difficult as breaking away from cigarettes. Once hooked, it takes a very long while and great determination to come off it. Have you heard about the 'story' on how HABIT got the name 'HABIT'?

Staying married for the sake of the children may not be a bad idea, as it gives them one more chance to try out on their marriage. This 'holding on' thought has actually saved marriages from potential break ups.

As a child, I have witnessed my parents who quarrelled on some issues and this carried on for couple of nights. I remembered being given $10 and was told to bring my brother (I was P3 then, so my bro was only P1) outside to do 'anything we want with the money', and not to come home for 2 hours (while they quarrelled). My parents did a fantastic job as they left the kids out of their quarrels, so till this date, I didn't know what caused such a heated argument. And I don't think I wanna know.

You know how it felt to be left on the road for 2 hours at 8pm with $10? It didn't feel good at all. I was in no mood to 'spend my $10'. We were lingering on the streets and I held on tight to my brother. We loitered just below the HDB flat and I kept raising my head up to look at my house. I wanted to see if my parents were alright. I was hoping that no knives or chairs would come crushing down from where I stayed. There were tears and I had feared that they would divorce one day if things didn't get better.

Once, my maternal grandma asked me who would I choose to follow if my parents divorced. Wah... I hated her for that and I remembered being scolded being rude (with no manners) for staring at her. Ha! But I dun think it's my fault AT ALL. I didn't cared what people say, I just wanted my parents to be together.

For 2 more nights, we were sent out to walk in the streets. Things finally got better, think they came to some agreement (hey, I'm all for quarrelling - it's good to straighten things out). They are still married and very loving after over 30 years! :love:

Divorce is actually the last route to take for any marriage. And for outsiders, it's better not to advise divorce as sometimes things are not as easy as it appears.

[buds]

The 1st time with a prostitute had given

husband a kinda high that he may not
get with his wife and he will always feel
the itch to taste the highs again… and…
again. As with any other addiction, sex
addiction requires treatment as well esp
since religious values fall deaf on a sex
addict already. And as with other
addictions a sex addict will also display
withdrawal symptoms when they don’t
get to do it. Hitting wife over just getting
to watch is already a start… To husband
he’s not doing the act, and yet still cannot
even get to watch? He cannot see beyond
reason.

Please… please… please advise friend to
get a blood test done. Maintain rubber if
still engaging in intercourse on and off…
Counselling can help if both parties are
DETERMINED to make it work. Seeking
treatment for the addiction is a MUST if
husband is really serious on turning over
a new leaf.

Does friend love husband… still? This is
important factor to her eventual decision,
cos staying together for childrens’ sake
will only go so far…

[buds]

winth:

Divorce is actually the last route to take for any marriage. And for outsiders, it's better not to advise divorce as sometimes things are not as easy as it appears.

I agree with you on this one, winth.

[mintcc]

hi Ahmih, I think sometimes outsiders see more clearly but you are not in her shoes. Perhaps she is not ready yet and it could be difficult for her to divorce the hub especially if the kids are close to the dad and there are happy family time together and she does not want to hurt the children… justa be there for her bah. if the husband had not change his way it’s a matter of time that he show his true colours again…then she will have no more dooubts.

[Ahmih]

hmm.. my GF told me they went to see a counselor on and off and her counselor told her, her husband maybe trying to stop the divorce. But to work on their marriage seems a little far, as he is not 'interested' in counseling session and having a weak will to give up the porn 'hobby'. Earlier she was the one arranging for sessions and he forgot to go sometimes, if he did, he didn't open up too. Citing don't like talking to 'stranger'.


Love wise, she sounds lost. Like how to love when you can't trust? She feels her husband is secretive at times, maybe taking half day leave for a quickie and kept it from her, pretending have to work late. I won't call her paranoid, since she did found some sms on her husband hp to pimp.

*sigh, yeah.. if we know the path ahead, I think most of us have lesser things to worry... :roll:

Qn folks:
1. can love be accomplished if faith is in question?
2. some man are simply lusty, don't you think the 'change' maybe short lived in this case?
3. My friend is a hands-on mum, the husband is hands-off. most of the time, he is aware there're 2 little people in the house but don't know much what to do with them. They will do what he wants to do or he let them do what they want to do, so that he can do what he wants to do 'surf or download' from pc. In this case, what's better off? For her to go or stay?