Advice - Divorce or Not to Divorce
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Busymom:
Are you thankful and happy that your mum decided against divorce back then? Is it not possible for a woman to live happy with her kids and not have a man? If the man is not caring or thoughtful and staying together is like no difference as being on her own (except she doesn't hv to pay household bills) :roll: , won't she be happier on her own?It is tough indeed...
Let me tell you my own experience. My parents also had lots of awful fights and quarrels when I was young. It was traumatic as far as I was concerned. I honestly wish that she would leave him. There was once when she went to see a lawyer, bringing me along. I was in Primary 3. The lawyer asked me if my parents were to divorce, would it be ok. I nodded my head. He then asked who would I want to follow and I replied that it would be my mother. Eventually, my mom decided against it. Not entirely sure why (although I think partly there was an \"advice\" from the higher order). But it took many many more years of heartaches and tears on her part as there would be more incidents to follow. -
Ahmih:
the thing with her husband is, he doesn't want to move out. So if my GF moves, she'll hv to bring kids along and that would disrupt the kids schooling and she doesn't want that. She prefers to stay and he moves.
Sometimes, it is more about determination here when wife decides to give husband show down. If there are so many considerations, then it's gonna make such a move-out plan very difficult to achieve its purpose.Ahmih:
Separation serves as a form of warning and 'punishment' without blowing tops. Reconciliation comes with conditions attached.What's the objective of separation? To cool off or to re-evaluate?
Similar to Jo Frost's 'naughty corner' for the children. Children get to come off from 'naught corner', but told not to do it again. Do again, 'naughty corner' again.Ahmih:
Third parties... sigh...Her MIL said she won't let her son live with her if they divorce, I don't know abt separation lah.
It's difficult to go past a doting mother who fends her son. -
winth,
Agree with the punishment and condition thingy. As she told me, 3 weeks ago, she told her husband that's it. She's giving up for good since she cannot live in fear of offending her husband verbally (for not phrasing words positively when she spoke to him btw, they were not even arguing she said) and getting beaten for that. And many times, she felt her husband hostility in speech towards her. Also she really cannot stand him surfing and downloading porn every nite. As I understd, they hardly talk to each other prior to that nite. She wanted a divorce. Her husband said no no and ask her to think for kids. That's when she turned soft again.
The best part, :lol: haha.. her husband ask her what about the wedding vow she made? to stick together, in good times and bad... blah blah... said she's going back on her vow.... can you believe??! what about his vow and part?
So, the condition to stay was: he totally give up porn. And he said he can and want to so that the family is intact. After that nite, she found on two occasions, he still downloaded porn. Although now the pc is not on 24 hours download (can u beat that!), she feels he's still carrying on intermitent and not totally ready to get 'treated'.
So, it would make sense for her to go for separation since he eats his word, right? As 'punishment', she thought maybe getting him to sign on dotted line and then go for counseling is better than separation. As we understand, file for divorce and then go for counseling has a duration of maximum 1 year. If he fails the counselor grading after 12 mths, bye-bye he goes. Is this a good idea? :idea: -
Ahmih:
There you see, that's what I mean that she may end up hurting herself or the children. Haven't we seen enough tragic stories of spouses who went besek and then did something to either the spouse or the children?
She had once attempted to strangle her husband when he was going to bed becos she was so angry. So, honestly, I think her threshold for betrayal is about reached. She had mentioned before, she feel she may lose control and potong her husband or do something to him :!: ...
On your earlier question to me, I personally think it is possible to live a happy life without a husband who has strayed. During those years when the problem existed between my parents, I could not understand why she did not choose to end the marriage... the fights could be quite scary, maybe not to the point of life and death, but we were all worried. I think she did too, so she would run to us children whenever things got ugly. I believed she would have brought us up well anyway as it was my mom who mostly supported the family in terms of daily maintenance. My dad had a reasonably good-paying job, but he was very stingy with the family and somehow his money went out in more than one ways... If she had divorced him, he would be forced to pay her maintenance, in fact, she probably would have gained more financially!
What I cannot speak for her, is the emotion part. She chose to stay with him, put aside her misgivings (I hope) and in her later years, their relationship was amicable. I wouldn't say it was loving, but there was definitely companionship. Still, given her personality, I have no doubt she would have been just as happy and have a full life with many friends around her. -
Hi Ahmil,
As I was reading the exchanges, I recalled a GF with problems of husband constantly going drinking with his buddies and staying out late with excuses. She suspected her husband was fooling around. At the same time, she had problems with her mother in-laws and sisters-in-law. With no close family to support her emotionally, she was so miserable that a few times she contemplated jumping down from her flat with her 2 young kids.
As her confidante, I would advise you to keep close contact with her and watch for any sign of suicidal intention. When a person feels she can no longer tolerate the misery and hurt inflicted, she may feel life is no longer worth living as she may feel that whatever path she choose would be too painful for all parties. She may also make illogical decisions which may cause harm to her close ones without realisation. At this point of time, she needs her friends and family physical and emotional support.
Your GF needs to take small steps and not to expect overnight changes even though they have tried counselling. Whatever decisions she make, its important she feels the support of her family and friends. Only then, could she has the strength to move on and put her misery behind. No matter what advices friends, family, counsellors or even outsiders give, for a marriage to sustain, there must be mutual love which follows with trust, faithfulness, respect and care. If she truly feels that her husband has been trying hard to keep the marriage, she must also be prepared to allow him time to improve. No man is without flaws but no man should suffer prolong agony for the sake of togetherness. ONLY DEEP IN THE HEART SHE KNOWS IF THE MARRIAGE IS WORTH THE EFFORT TO STAY! -
Hi Fluffy
Yeah, you hit another point - family support is crucial.
And she hasn't got much too. Her family also favors her to stay, although if she really does divorce, they will also support. However, childcare assistance is not very much there. This is on top of the fact that her MIL is not supportive of divorce and will not render assistance in anyway if that happens. And aside from me, she hasn't got that many close friends who knows about her woes. I tried my best to give her a listening ear and really wish I could do more for her too. But there is just so much I can do...
Well, I feel she really should leave. Like what Busymum said, her husband is also a spendthrift :celebrate: and wouldn't plan anything for the kids.
Money just flow to don't know where and he didn't give her any monthly household allowance until last month during the final 'showdown' as a condition to improve. Sometimes, my GF thot she may save more for kids if they divorce and he pays her maintenance. If my GF were like Insider so wise right from the start of their marriage, then maybe she would have more reasons to feel secure and work things out.
As I understand, when my GF mentioned $$ and account with her husband, her husband gets tensed and uptight. She doesn't feel that her husband will at any time give her 70% of his income, not even 20%. He's not stingy with kids spending, in fact that area he is over indulgent. And she feels she's so out of control of the whole situation. Even right now, after her husband agreed to work out.
Does her husband really need more time to 'improve'? Even now, he's still downloading porn... how? -
The impression I have is the husband is suffering from obsessive-compulsive disorder. In his case, he is very preoccupied with sexual impulses and unable to control his urge and thoughts on "porn" materials. He is trying to stay away from "pros" trips by spending more time with the children and family which unknowingly is also a form of therapy called "Refocus". However, as he is unable to control his obsession with "porn" materials, he needs external intervention which include a formal diagnosis from pyschologist or psychiatrist and recommendation of therapy and strategies to reduce his obsessive-compulsive disorder. If he truly wants to kick off the "habit", perhaps your GF may want to suggest restricting his usage of the computer. For example, I help my son reduce his addiction of computer gaming by refocusing his energy into sports and music activities, as well as restrict his usage of computer by password. He still gets to use the computer for school work and he is also allowed a 1 to 2 hours a week of computer gaming. In short, your GF’s husband needs to recognise his addiction and seek help.
Another aspect of marriage I like to point out is very often I have observed some wives who only focus on their children and gradually forgot to maintain their physical appearances and disintegrate into what we termed as "old hags". Of course one would argue that the husband should understand their wife and look at the inner beauty and they married because of love. But fact is human being is always attracted to beautiful things. As wife, we should try to look presentable and not to give the husband the excuse to stray away. In addition, intimacy in a marriage is equally important. If a couple does not make time for intimacy which helps to bind the emotional and physical bonds, and fulfil the sexual needs of men and women, the marriage will run into problems especially when a spouse’s needs are not satisfy. He will turn to other means to fulfil his needs. I must stress that this does not mean husband is right to commit adultury or visit "pros" but only to highlight that this aspect of marriage must not be overlooked. A healthy sex life is equally important in a marriage unless medical problems arises which treatment should be sought. -
Fluffy:
The impression I have is the husband is suffering from obsessive-compulsive disorder. In his case, he is very preoccupied with sexual impulses and unable to control his urge and thoughts on \"porn\" materials. He is trying to stay away from \"pros\" trips by spending more time with the children and family which unknowingly is also a form of therapy called \"Refocus\". However, as he is unable to control his obsession with \"porn\" materials, he needs external intervention which include a formal diagnosis from pyschologist or psychiatrist and recommendation of therapy and strategies to reduce his obsessive-compulsive disorder. If he truly wants to kick off the \"habit\", perhaps your GF may want to suggest restricting his usage of the computer. For example, I help my son reduce his addiction of computer gaming by refocusing his energy into sports and music activities, as well as restrict his usage of computer by password. He still gets to use the computer for school work and he is also allowed a 1 to 2 hours a week of computer gaming. In short, your GF's husband needs to recognise his addiction and seek help.
Fluffy, your diagnosis is so right! yeah, that's what the counselor said too. And my GF husband admitted too, agree that he needs treatment and end of his story. He doesn't feel he needs treatment, he feels he need acceptance from my GF. In fact, her counselor also said, porn and sex is his 'real' life. She and the kids are the ' unreal imposing life'.
My GF bro suggested to her to get some pills for her husband, to control his high sexual urges. However, I don't think that's such a good idea unless the husband is all for changing to a more 'moral' person and example for his kids.
As for appearance, must my GF dress like a queen and be as 'sexy' as young teenage girls in order to 'keep' her man? She's pretty decent, just no make-up and fancy hair do. We see a lot of ordinary loving couples too, they accept each other as they are inside and outside. I feel as long as a person is clean, tidy dress appropriately and maintain good hygiene habits, you can't pick no more.
Just think, on magazine and papers, we see movie stars, so pretty, didn't their man also cheat? HK Vivian is a good eg. I like her and I think she deserves better than that fellow she wedded. She's just one among many. Hollywood is full of this crap too.
理由多过'猪油' :roll: just cannot owe up that they are jerks. -
[quote]理由多过'猪油' Rolling Eyes just cannot owe up that they are jerks.[/quote]
:rotflmao: really like that expression Ahmih....but it is very rare that men will owe up that they are jerks lah... -
yeah... if they do, sun rise from the West side man...
*sigh... conclusion, I guess it's better for my GF to leave her marriage?
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