Advice - Divorce or Not to Divorce

[Ahmih]

Hi Fluffy


Yeah, you hit another point - family support is crucial.

And she hasn't got much too. Her family also favors her to stay, although if she really does divorce, they will also support. However, childcare assistance is not very much there. This is on top of the fact that her MIL is not supportive of divorce and will not render assistance in anyway if that happens. And aside from me, she hasn't got that many close friends who knows about her woes. I tried my best to give her a listening ear and really wish I could do more for her too. But there is just so much I can do...

Well, I feel she really should leave. Like what Busymum said, her husband is also a spendthrift :celebrate: and wouldn't plan anything for the kids. Money just flow to don't know where and he didn't give her any monthly household allowance until last month during the final 'showdown' as a condition to improve. Sometimes, my GF thot she may save more for kids if they divorce and he pays her maintenance. If my GF were like Insider so wise right from the start of their marriage, then maybe she would have more reasons to feel secure and work things out.

As I understand, when my GF mentioned $$ and account with her husband, her husband gets tensed and uptight. She doesn't feel that her husband will at any time give her 70% of his income, not even 20%. He's not stingy with kids spending, in fact that area he is over indulgent. And she feels she's so out of control of the whole situation. Even right now, after her husband agreed to work out.

Does her husband really need more time to 'improve'? Even now, he's still downloading porn... how?

[Fluffy]

The impression I have is the husband is suffering from obsessive-compulsive disorder. In his case, he is very preoccupied with sexual impulses and unable to control his urge and thoughts on "porn" materials. He is trying to stay away from "pros" trips by spending more time with the children and family which unknowingly is also a form of therapy called "Refocus". However, as he is unable to control his obsession with "porn" materials, he needs external intervention which include a formal diagnosis from pyschologist or psychiatrist and recommendation of therapy and strategies to reduce his obsessive-compulsive disorder. If he truly wants to kick off the "habit", perhaps your GF may want to suggest restricting his usage of the computer. For example, I help my son reduce his addiction of computer gaming by refocusing his energy into sports and music activities, as well as restrict his usage of computer by password. He still gets to use the computer for school work and he is also allowed a 1 to 2 hours a week of computer gaming. In short, your GF’s husband needs to recognise his addiction and seek help.


Another aspect of marriage I like to point out is very often I have observed some wives who only focus on their children and gradually forgot to maintain their physical appearances and disintegrate into what we termed as "old hags". Of course one would argue that the husband should understand their wife and look at the inner beauty and they married because of love. But fact is human being is always attracted to beautiful things. As wife, we should try to look presentable and not to give the husband the excuse to stray away. In addition, intimacy in a marriage is equally important. If a couple does not make time for intimacy which helps to bind the emotional and physical bonds, and fulfil the sexual needs of men and women, the marriage will run into problems especially when a spouse’s needs are not satisfy. He will turn to other means to fulfil his needs. I must stress that this does not mean husband is right to commit adultury or visit "pros" but only to highlight that this aspect of marriage must not be overlooked. A healthy sex life is equally important in a marriage unless medical problems arises which treatment should be sought.

[Ahmih]

Fluffy:

The impression I have is the husband is suffering from obsessive-compulsive disorder. In his case, he is very preoccupied with sexual impulses and unable to control his urge and thoughts on \"porn\" materials. He is trying to stay away from \"pros\" trips by spending more time with the children and family which unknowingly is also a form of therapy called \"Refocus\". However, as he is unable to control his obsession with \"porn\" materials, he needs external intervention which include a formal diagnosis from pyschologist or psychiatrist and recommendation of therapy and strategies to reduce his obsessive-compulsive disorder. If he truly wants to kick off the \"habit\", perhaps your GF may want to suggest restricting his usage of the computer. For example, I help my son reduce his addiction of computer gaming by refocusing his energy into sports and music activities, as well as restrict his usage of computer by password. He still gets to use the computer for school work and he is also allowed a 1 to 2 hours a week of computer gaming. In short, your GF's husband needs to recognise his addiction and seek help.

Fluffy, your diagnosis is so right! yeah, that's what the counselor said too. And my GF husband admitted too, agree that he needs treatment and end of his story. He doesn't feel he needs treatment, he feels he need acceptance from my GF. In fact, her counselor also said, porn and sex is his 'real' life. She and the kids are the ' unreal imposing life'.

My GF bro suggested to her to get some pills for her husband, to control his high sexual urges. However, I don't think that's such a good idea unless the husband is all for changing to a more 'moral' person and example for his kids.

As for appearance, must my GF dress like a queen and be as 'sexy' as young teenage girls in order to 'keep' her man? She's pretty decent, just no make-up and fancy hair do. We see a lot of ordinary loving couples too, they accept each other as they are inside and outside. I feel as long as a person is clean, tidy dress appropriately and maintain good hygiene habits, you can't pick no more.

Just think, on magazine and papers, we see movie stars, so pretty, didn't their man also cheat? HK Vivian is a good eg. I like her and I think she deserves better than that fellow she wedded. She's just one among many. Hollywood is full of this crap too.

理由多过'猪油' :roll: just cannot owe up that they are jerks.

[mintcc]

[quote]理由多过'猪油' Rolling Eyes just cannot owe up that they are jerks.[/quote]
:rotflmao: really like that expression Ahmih....but it is very rare that men will owe up that they are jerks lah...

[Ahmih]

yeah... if they do, sun rise from the West side man...


*sigh... conclusion, I guess it's better for my GF to leave her marriage?

[Andaiz]

Ahmih:

*sigh... conclusion, I guess it's better for my GF to leave her marriage?

That's what we as outsiders may think...is she FOR the idea...I mean deep deep down inside her?

[buds]

Andaiz:

That's what we as outsiders may think...is she FOR the idea...I mean deep deep down insider her?

Wuuaah, you read so many happening
stories from Insider until you confuse
liao, hah Andaiz? :lol:

Yup, outsiders will not know how she
truly feels and plus it's still kinda unfair
to the husband cos it has been only one
side of the story we're hearing really....
Don't flame me hor... :scared:

There's always 2 sides to a coin...
2 sides to a story... Dun think we
should judge by what little we know
from here and by what much we think
and assume we know from what we have
read. Just a humble opinion... :oops: It is
the person herself who wud have to go thru
the entire process from start to end. Not us.

[Andaiz]

Thanks, buds. I edited my entry to save myself further embarrassment :oops:

buds:

There's always 2 sides to a coin...
2 sides to a story... Dun think we
should judge by what little we know
from here and by what much we think
and assume we know from what we have
read. Just a humble opinion... :oops: It is
the person herself who wud have to go thru
the entire process from start to end. Not us.

That's very true... given that we aren't there IN THE THICK OF THINGS, very difficult to make judgement call eh?

[winth]

buds:

There's always 2 sides to a coin...

2 sides to a story... Dun think we
should judge by what little we know
from here and by what much we think
and assume we know from what we have
read. Just a humble opinion... :oops: It is
the person herself who wud have to go thru
the entire process from start to end. Not us.

Fully agreed. Hence, I don't like to jump to certain conclusion about divorcing if I were you, Ahmih. Sometimes, a friend's words and encouraging them to divorce might turn out to be a disaster than to really help your gf.

Porn is a kind of illness that needs treatment.

[Busymom]

Insider


Well said! Couldn’t have said it better than the way you did.