Throwing Tantrum

[Skippy]

Hi Tamarind

Just thought I would mention that the ‘naught mat’ or ‘naughty corner’ is advocated by the Super Nanny as she calls herself on television. The Super Nanny herself admits that she has not read a single parenting book, nor she has got any children herself, nor does she have any formal qualifications on parenting - yet millions of people are now putting this into practice.

How could I as a parent, take any advice from this lady considering the above non qualifications? It’s food for thought isn’t it?

When I watched recently a reality TV show where the mum has 8 kids, she said "at any given moment someone is using the naughty mat in our home" meaning some kid is sitting there angry as ever at some time throughout the day - she seemed rather proud of these statistics !

To me, it showed me and all the viewers that it does not work. Which means they are not learning from this experience. If it worked, then no kid should be there after visiting the mat or the corner for the first 2 times !!

Skippy

[smurf]

DS2 17mths old. can't talk, not even addressing me. but, has a temper which is explosive. :!:


when he can't get what he wants, such as ice cream, sweets, toys,etc, he throws tantrum. and he can scream and shout at the top of his voice, stomps feet, beats people, and throw things. and he can throw thing until the thing break. :!:

Should I beat him? I told him cannot do that, but he still does that and at 17 mths, I dun think he will remember or understand NOT to do that again.

Also, if he is displeased, he can stare at you and blink, u know like, 'buay song' like that.haha. after the blink, he will walk away. leaving u dunno what to do. :?:

[momoshop]

smurf:

DS2 17mths old. can't talk, not even addressing me. but, has a temper which is explosive. :!:


when he can't get what he wants, such as ice cream, sweets, toys,etc, he throws tantrum. and he can scream and shout at the top of his voice, stomps feet, beats people, and throw things. and he can throw thing until the thing break. :!:

Should I beat him? I told him cannot do that, but he still does that and at 17 mths, I dun think he will remember or understand NOT to do that again.

Also, if he is displeased, he can stare at you and blink, u know like, 'buay song' like that.haha. after the blink, he will walk away. leaving u dunno what to do. :?:

Hi Smurf

I face similar problems with my No. 2 too . He is now 30 months and only just begun to speak. We have always worried about his speech ability but put off the \"testings\" as we want to give him a chance to develop and see, without being too KS.

There is a lot of frustration with not being able to speak. From 17months, I believe they have a strong cognition of situations, wants and preferences. However, not having the means to express those lead to immense frustration. If you understand this source of frustration, it will help you cope with the \"tantrums\" better. That is a starting point.

If I am not wrong, your child is able to focus on what he wants for a long period of time? What we call \"more focused,more determined\" and hence, when he does not get what he wants, he perserves more than other kids?

If that is the case, pls also see these as strengths in the child. A mind of his own, an ability to stand up for what he wants strongly and a will to perservere. I know it can be tough, but these are really positive kids. To give you an example, My no. 1 has always been more \"amicable\". He can be easily distracted form his tantrums, or persuaded to try other toys/ activities to avoid the tantrums. So in every sense, compared to no. 2 He is an easier kid to manage. However, over times, we worry that he is easily distracted and have less sense of what he wants. And we now have to teach him to stand up for what he wants, and to perservere when he meets difficulties.

So, if you begin to understand the source of frustration (not being able to express his wants), and that his tantrums do point to some positive characters traits, all these will equip you with more patience when dealing with your kids. That is what helps for mine.

Then next is to learn to \"read\" your child correctly. For a kid who can express yet, a lot of tantrums rerult from mis-understanding. Many times, my no. 2 will have given signal of displeasure, and before he goes into a meltdown, if you are able to communicate through him by affirming his emotions (e.g. frustration - you are angry that you can't fix this/ desire - you want to have that sweet?), once the child knows that you understand him, he will be arrested/ paused and that gives you a chance to prevent the meltdown. In this process, you are also teaching him words of expression that he can use when he grows older.

Pls do not resort to beating as he will not understand at 17 months. patience is the key, and understanding him will go a long way. I find the book \"How to Talk to kids so that kids will listen\" to be very useful. In it are very useful tips to help you communicate with your kids so that they know you understand them, Sometimes it is as simple as going along with them and say their words back at them \"so you want the cake?\" when they express they wanted a cake.

Kids get frustated (so do we) when they think that parents do know understand them. And in a case of a child who is not speaking yet, the only way to understand them better is to look at thier cues. Are there specific actions that they do for certain objects that they want, e.g. bolster or book etc (my no. 2 started saying \"ster\" at 24 months we it took me a long time to understand that it refers to his bolster cuz I was a wking mum then).

Also sometimes it helps to notice what comforts and calms down your child. To give you an e.g..
We moved recently to another country and I became a full time mum at home with the kids. And No 2 was a nightmare with his tantrums cuz we could not really dicipher what he wanted. It took a long time for us to know what he wants, and even then he was like close to 30months already and not speaking very well.

Back in Sg, he would comfort himself by crying in front of a toy shelf (always run there to cry and sulk, for some time alone, and then pick a toy out from there to play and then be diverted). When we moved, he could not find his toy shelf to cry, and we realised that when he goes into a tantrum, he runs around the house like he was mad and it me a LONG LONG while to realise he was looking for a place to soothe himself.

Sometimes, if your kid can't sooth himself, he may be too young, just hugging him and not saying anything (and block your ears) till the tantrum passed and then talked to him may be the way. It takes a lot of patience but it is better than fighting him, screaming at him etc, which all agitate him and do not help him calm down.

But the key, IMHO, is to identify the points before he goes into a tantrum. That will help.
Also, at 17 mths, kids still need a very stable routine so they know what to anticipate next. And if you keep to the routine, they know what is coming, and less overwhelming for them, it can help to reduce the incidents of conflicts really. perhaps you also need time to always analyze what are the trigger that resulted in the meltdown. So that the next time a similar thing happens, you can pre-empt that can calm him down, or give him an alternative, emphatising with his emotions before he screams.

For things that he wants, e.g. ice cream etc, I always pre-empt by bringing an acceptable snack when we go out so that I pre-empt them by saying, I know you want ice-cream, but I have this, your fav gummies. What colour do you want?

If you can distract them before they became \"fixated\" to what they want, it sometimes work.

Smurf, it is not easy, I nearly tore my hair out last 2 months alone with the kids and no. 2 in tantrums at least 5-6 times a day when we first moved here. But i realised once i replicate his routine in SG, and orientate him to the new environment, and also learnt to \"read\" him better, it really helps!

Hope this gives you some comfort. Oh, and I am v proud of my no. 2, trouble as he is, cuz I think he has a very strong perosnality which I appreciate. I see it as a sign of strength. So take heart!

[buds]

smurf:

.......when he can't get what he wants, such as ice cream, sweets, toys,etc, he throws tantrum. and he can scream and shout at the top of his voice, stomps feet, beats people, and throw things. and he can throw thing until the thing break. :!:

momoshop:

For things that he wants, e.g. ice cream etc, I always pre-empt by bringing an acceptable snack when we go out so that I pre-empt them by saying, I know you want ice-cream, but I have this, your fav gummies. What colour do you want?

Ice-cream & candy given at young age? :!:

[tankee]

:? 17mths old still cannot eat ice-cream and gummies?


I also started giving my son creamy ice-cream like Mcdonald's when he was 1+ yr old

[momoshop]

buds:

smurf:

.......when he can't get what he wants, such as ice cream, sweets, toys,etc, he throws tantrum. and he can scream and shout at the top of his voice, stomps feet, beats people, and throw things. and he can throw thing until the thing break. :!:

momoshop:

For things that he wants, e.g. ice cream etc, I always pre-empt by bringing an acceptable snack when we go out so that I pre-empt them by saying, I know you want ice-cream, but I have this, your fav gummies. What colour do you want?

Ice-cream & candy given at young age? :!:

oops.. probably not at 17 mths, though like tankee, I started them on some licks ice cream. Alternatives like yougurt can be used, cheese sticks, cheese cubes, cereal, dreid fruits. all healthy and should work.. sugar free gummies are ok as well, if the kids know how to chew.

I think the key is also to pick your battles. You can't win all the fights..
So strategise on the ones that matter.

It is also impt to have enjoyable moments with the kids, rather than to have to fight all the time.

[smurf]

Hi Momoshop,


good advice. I read that book how to talk so kids will listen already. It's a very helpful book. I can't type a lot more, cos my laptop keypad has been spoilt by DS2 (he plucked out one by one when I wasn't looking.):(

DS2 also will cry and run around until he found something to distract him.haha.

although it is very frustrating cos he can throw tantrum many many times a day, but can be very cute leh.haha.

can't imagine a small and tiny baby can have a nasty temper that is so explosive! :shock:

Hi Buds,

yah. no choice, when someone (cousins, etc) eats ice-cream, he will want a bite too. not a good thing, but as I dun thnk a bite or 2 is harmful, so just give little bit lor. :oops:

[momoshop]

smurf:

I can't type a lot more, cos my laptop keypad has been spoilt by DS2 (he plucked out one by one when I wasn't looking.):(


although it is very frustrating cos he can throw tantrum many many times a day, but can be very cute leh.haha.

can't imagine a small and tiny baby can have a nasty temper that is so explosive! :shock:

Smurf, you know, I think my no. 2 is very similiar to your DS2. He also plucked out many of my laptop alphabets and place them back in the wrong place! hahaaha..

And yes , when he was younger, initially I was very terrified by his tantrums.
And When I told my friend last Christmas that in one of his tantrums, He pulled down our Christmas tree, my friend asked if it is the miniature one on tabletop and I had to laugh, and replied that it was a full sized one.

I am glad that I have time to understand him better now that I am SAHM for a while, and helped to established the \"rules\" and helped him manage the tantrum. So you should feel lucky that you are the one to help- to be there to correct the act when it occurs. It may be worst if you have to be working & have less contact with him I know that on the really \"horror\" days it is hard to look at it that way.

And yes, like you said, they are really cute most times. And The good news is - once they speak, it will get better!!

[smurf]

Dear momoshop,

felt great to hear that our kids are similar. at least I know that I;m not alone.:)

Sometimes, it's tiring and energy draining, cos he seems to have so much energy to expel at this age that I can't keep up with him. just hope that he doesn't sleep when its time to attend sch!haha.

sometmes I lose my temper on him, scolds and beats his hand for touching electricity, etc, but of cos, regret after that. feel lousy that I'm not a good mum.

usually I would explain to him why cannot do this or that, but at 17 mth, dun thnk he will remember, instead he will cheekily smile and run off to do that again. :x

I think just have to have lotsa patience patience.:)

[evemel]

Original Title: Anger Management


Recently I received a call from my kid's (8 yr old) teacher. Telling me that she was crying loudly and screaming non stop for at least half an hour in school after she was scolded by her teacher. Her teacher suggested that she has poor anger management which I think is quite true. Would somebody be kind to provide me with some suggestion that could help her? :?: