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Very sad to read so many mums agreeing with the Autocratic method of telling kids to do as they are told with the assumption that their children are so dumb to know any better. Children are the product of their parents and come to us with wisdom, intuition and a sense of themselves. They are not in training to be adults. They are children and are living in the NOW. Let's respect that to begin.

Of course children are going to chat back, it's called thinking for themselves. We should welcome this time. I read a recent parent blog about parents paying to send their children to a course that provides THINKING SKILLS, yet when our kids think and talk back, we cannot bear it ! Very confusing !

Perhaps when your child talks back to you, as one mum said she reasons with her child. Good for you ! When our children talk back, it's so important as parents we talk back to them in a loving way and communicate with them effectively. This teaches them good communication! Answer their questions, reason with them and teach them. You are their first and foremost teacher, it's your job to teach them. You don't need to put up with rudeness or disrespect but you do need to address it in a loving way. \"When you talk to me by raising your voice, it hurts my feelings. Please don't do this. I am happy to talk with you and I don't like being yelled at\".

When children hear your feelings have been hurt, they are less likely to do it and more likely to apologise. However, when mums yell back, thus starts the yelling match and no body wins, no body teaches (Oh yes, parents have just thought kids to yell lounder!).

Don't use abstract words like \"I don't like it when your so rude\" - Rude is a label and can mean many things, instead spell out their behaviour \"I don't like it when you walk away as I am talking to you\" tells the child excactly what he or she has done and is more mindful about what is upsetting you. \"I am really disappointed that you did not ring me to tell me you were going to be so late. I was so worried about you\" rather than \"You are never going out again and you have no respect for not calling me blah blah blah\" -

\"You\" messages are very damaging and label and blames children - this type of labelling effects a child's self-esteem, distances you from the child who begins to dislike you, and is ineffective in making the child do what the child does not want to do.

So try LISTENING to your child rather than constantly talking. It really does help ! To listen mean to actively tune into what the child is really saying and no asking questions one after the other. Listening means to tune into the child's real feelings and to empathise with them. Listening means to suspend your own agenda and listen to what your child is really telling you.

After all you want to nurture your relationship with your child whilst she or he is growing up to think enough to answer back to you. If you shut your child off, your child will never tell you anything and as the teen years approach you will hear yourself complaining to your friends \"he never tells me anything\" \"I don't know what he is doing or thinking or where he goes\" etc. So start whilst your children are younger so that you will build a strong loving bond of trust and many loving conversations toward harmony and peace. In the process of talking and listening you will be teaching your child to think, become empathic young people and to relate to you in a loving way.

Skippy

Sorry Westmom

I thought your DD was teen or pre teens and hormonal changes can cause these, I was looking at the heading which said teens

Daisyt - no but raised a couple and have teens in the family, they are adorable, love this age of discovery and identify crisis - very amusing to see them develop so rapidly, taking on strong opinions of their own, calling their parents 'old' etc LOL.

I find teens both fascinating and interesting and always have time for a chat with them. Interesting how they give their parents one word answers but with an aunt, they spill the beans !

Skippy

daisyt

Your DD sounds like me right now! LOL

Talk to her about it and ask her how she feels about school and what’s happening in her life. Usually when we are juggling 5 balls at the same time, what we had for breakfast yesterday is not important.

Forgetfulness can occur during hormonal changes and is quite common. Try not to focus on. Suggest she carry a small note book to jot things down that are important for her to remember. It should pass as time goes by. If not, see a doctor. Note that she says her friends are going through the same thing? All of them perhaps the same age group ! So she’s not the only one.
Skippy

Hi Sunset_dae,

I agree with Estertan’s approach which is what we need to do more often with our kids. Remember your child will role model you. If you beat to get results, he will bet to get results too!

Sounds like if it is happening at home that he is wanting your attention and is displaying being ‘jealous’ of another child coming over to join you i.e. your sister’s child. This is common. If he is too young to chat with about it, be aware when the next visit takes place and stay close to your child e.g. hold his hand and if he pulls away keep him close to you and together you can go up and say hello to his cousin. Maybe give him something to give to his cousin as a gift e.g. a lollypop for him and one for his cousin. If he strikes out, block his hand and say "No hitting". If he is old enough, tell him in advance (20 minutes before) that his cousin (name) is coming over or we are going over to play with cousin(name). Tell him that hitting is not allowed and it will make you sad/unhappy if he does this. Tell him the consequence for hitting if you have set a boundary for this. Children understand a lot more than we give them credit for. "When you hit your cousin it makes your cousin very sad as she wants to play with you, if you continue to do this you will have to play on your own".

Children need time to get used to another child being around if they are the only child. They will automatically want to hold the attention. There is always a reason for a child’s behaviour and hitting is not the answer to their needs. It is a quick fix. It stops them once, but next time the same thing may happen.

Hope this helps!
Skippy

Oh no! not another form of ‘enrichment’ I cry !! Enrichment for the soul ?


From everything I read here, your good intentions come with a price to parents. The price is their dollars for their time.

Children around the world are screaming for their parents to connect with them, not drop them off yet again, to learn what should be taught organically in the home, in their community, in the company of good family and friends and their religious beliefs. This is where the real connections happen and character building begins and ends, surely? Remember, sitting with grandfather as he told you stories of how he saved someone’s life? Hearing dad tell us about how tempted he was to take the job with more money but he didn’t because …

Character building, values, right and wrong are taught through consequences and not in a centre. As you mentioned your target group was the latch-key kids. It is an assumption here that latch-key kids are already missing out on values…they may be the leaders of tomorrow as perhaps their parents have set them up with their boundaries that work for them. There were time when my kids had to use their own key but not at the expense of their value building.

If the intention is to provide a community service, free of cost to kids that need additional support, I would volunteer my expertise to teach for free here. I am guessing it is not such a service?

The question raised to you in this forum - about your trainers was an open question and and did not call for details, the question posed was ‘what qualifications do your trainers have who will be teaching such values’ ? Psychologists? Trained counsellors in early development/teens?

A character centre in my humble opinion would encourage parents who are career oriented to spend further time at work and to leave the responsibility to someone else to teach character building. This is a sad day for kids.

Skippy

Flipped through a good book the other day called BIG WORDS by Jamie Lee Curtis.


It’s useful when you want to teach children new words in the right context and it’s done very well.

Skippy

Hello heyhoe

Yes my husband was happy to attend the ceremonies and perhaps you need to discuss this with your husband. If he does not want to attend (see para below).

When the children asked why their father was not attending church with them, I explained very honestly that everyone has different beliefs and this is perfectly fine.

I got a book which was called Religions of the World (children’s book) forgotten the author where it explains how different people believe in different beliefs - it had photos of temples, mosques, synagog, buddhists temples, other Christian churches. I thought this was good as it taught them to respect other people’s right to follow different paths. I explained that each religion teaches similar teachings like respect, love and compassion for others. I also explained that some people choose not to have a religion. As I was reading I taught them how important it is not to make fun at other people just because they believe something different to you. They were about 7 years when they asked how come their cousins don’t go to church and how come they are vegetarians?

I guess you and your husband will need to talk about it and agree that when they do start to come home with dogma that is specific to your beliefs that it won’t be frowned upon.

Borders or one of the major bookshops do stock books on teaching kids about different beliefs or your local library. You may not need it straight away, but it is available when you are ready for the talk.

Being real and being honest is how children learn to accept differences. If we don’t force things upon them, they will enjoy doing them more ~ Hope this helps and all the very best ~

Skippy

Hi Heyho


Children enjoy Catechism or Sunday school as it may be sometimes called. It teaches children of the individual faith and beliefs along with sound values. I was in a similar situation to you where the father was of a different faith and my kids really enjoyed being baptized at the age of 4. Followed by the other ceremonies like First Holy Communion. Later on my son said to me that it was the best thing that he could have done as he really learned the difference between right and wrong. Although they did not continue at High School as I never forced them to go as they got older, the younger years were enjoyed and they made a lot of really nice friends there too.

Skippy

Hi Tamarind

Just thought I would mention that the ‘naught mat’ or ‘naughty corner’ is advocated by the Super Nanny as she calls herself on television. The Super Nanny herself admits that she has not read a single parenting book, nor she has got any children herself, nor does she have any formal qualifications on parenting - yet millions of people are now putting this into practice.

How could I as a parent, take any advice from this lady considering the above non qualifications? It’s food for thought isn’t it?

When I watched recently a reality TV show where the mum has 8 kids, she said "at any given moment someone is using the naughty mat in our home" meaning some kid is sitting there angry as ever at some time throughout the day - she seemed rather proud of these statistics !

To me, it showed me and all the viewers that it does not work. Which means they are not learning from this experience. If it worked, then no kid should be there after visiting the mat or the corner for the first 2 times !!

Skippy

EN - Ok I understand.


Yes there is good and bad stress for sure. It seems that parental expectations are on the increase. You only have to read some of the stresses that parents carry to understand how these are inflicted onto little children and impressionable teens!! When ever you read in the papers about teenagers going off the rails it is usually because they cannot meet the high demands on what their parents expect of them. A friend of mine while chatting with a teen recently got to the bottom of his depression and it was because his father wanted him to be a doctor and he did not have the academic skills that the rest of his family seem to possess.

Skippy