How to work with insolent children
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Sorry to have hijack this "kid talk back" thread. Just answering to emelyn on our cry for everything kid.
emelyn, my ds is like me. We are very tough, jovial, extremely friendly to stranger and friends. If things get rough like being bullied or burden with heavy work load, we will just grit out teeth and happily work through the piles. No tears. If there is a need to fight back for our rights, I will and so will ds. I was knocked down by a car when I was 8, concious, in pain but no tears. DS does not cry either when he punctured his head (blood dripping), he fell and hit his head on the gate while running. But when things comes sincerely from the heart, we sure pours. I still do. Worst still during job interview. Lucky it was done on a long distance call & no webcam. Got the job, so I dont think the interviewer heard my silent cry.
Look back. Is your ds having the same temperament or personality as you or dh or anyone close?
I know it is exasperating but the tears shows sincerity and it comes comes from the heart. -
I think the thread is blurring the line with \"discipline\", which is currently being discussed under, something like \"spare the rod and spolit the child\".
But what the heck, it's worth reading :lol: -
Andaiz:
True. Esp. for those who did something wrong which I classify as childish irresponsibility as what James Dobson called it: due to the child's lack of motor skill n not a mischief; eg. like dropping a glass by a little two year old kid whose handling skill is still not stable yet.
david59, there's also those who cry because they do not know how else to handle this (the limited-repertoir one :roll: ).
Thks
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EN:
Look back. Is your ds having the same temperament or personality as you or dh or anyone close?
Oooppsss ! Yes, me and dd, exactly the same mold. :oops: -
daisyt:
erm.... DS1 and me.... same model too...EN:
Look back. Is your ds having the same temperament or personality as you or dh or anyone close?
Oooppsss ! Yes, me and dd, exactly the same mold. :oops:
that's why I can understand DS1's emotion and behaviour better than DH.
And also more \"forgiving\"...cos like i tell DH... \"I'm also like that....\" :oops: -
//Editor's note: Topic selected for http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/content/listen-child-talks-back
Very sad to read so many mums agreeing with the Autocratic method of telling kids to do as they are told with the assumption that their children are so dumb to know any better. Children are the product of their parents and come to us with wisdom, intuition and a sense of themselves. They are not in training to be adults. They are children and are living in the NOW. Let's respect that to begin.
Of course children are going to chat back, it's called thinking for themselves. We should welcome this time. I read a recent parent blog about parents paying to send their children to a course that provides THINKING SKILLS, yet when our kids think and talk back, we cannot bear it ! Very confusing !
Perhaps when your child talks back to you, as one mum said she reasons with her child. Good for you ! When our children talk back, it's so important as parents we talk back to them in a loving way and communicate with them effectively. This teaches them good communication! Answer their questions, reason with them and teach them. You are their first and foremost teacher, it's your job to teach them. You don't need to put up with rudeness or disrespect but you do need to address it in a loving way. \"When you talk to me by raising your voice, it hurts my feelings. Please don't do this. I am happy to talk with you and I don't like being yelled at\".
When children hear your feelings have been hurt, they are less likely to do it and more likely to apologise. However, when mums yell back, thus starts the yelling match and no body wins, no body teaches (Oh yes, parents have just thought kids to yell lounder!).
Don't use abstract words like \"I don't like it when your so rude\" - Rude is a label and can mean many things, instead spell out their behaviour \"I don't like it when you walk away as I am talking to you\" tells the child excactly what he or she has done and is more mindful about what is upsetting you. \"I am really disappointed that you did not ring me to tell me you were going to be so late. I was so worried about you\" rather than \"You are never going out again and you have no respect for not calling me blah blah blah\" -
\"You\" messages are very damaging and label and blames children - this type of labelling effects a child's self-esteem, distances you from the child who begins to dislike you, and is ineffective in making the child do what the child does not want to do.
So try LISTENING to your child rather than constantly talking. It really does help ! To listen mean to actively tune into what the child is really saying and no asking questions one after the other. Listening means to tune into the child's real feelings and to empathise with them. Listening means to suspend your own agenda and listen to what your child is really telling you.
After all you want to nurture your relationship with your child whilst she or he is growing up to think enough to answer back to you. If you shut your child off, your child will never tell you anything and as the teen years approach you will hear yourself complaining to your friends \"he never tells me anything\" \"I don't know what he is doing or thinking or where he goes\" etc. So start whilst your children are younger so that you will build a strong loving bond of trust and many loving conversations toward harmony and peace. In the process of talking and listening you will be teaching your child to think, become empathic young people and to relate to you in a loving way.
Skippy -
Not sure if this might help but I read this book which helped me to be more mindful of my kids' feelings and their growing up angst.
A friend introduced the following books to me which help parents to communicate more effectively with their children. The authors Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish wrote 2 books:
1. How to Talk so Teens will Listen & Listen so Teens will Talk (suitable for parents whose children are 11 years and above)
2. How to Talk so Kids will Listen & Listen so Kids will Talk (suitable for parents whose kids are 10 and below)
I bought the Teens book and the authors covered topics like:
- listen and respond helpfully to our teenager's concerns
- express our irritation and anger without being hurtful
- take action without punishing
- encourage our teens to assume responsibility and take ownership of their actions
- work out problems together
- talk about sex and drugs without preaching or alienating
What I like about the book:
- easy reading
- describes real problems that families face and suggestions to overcome them
- cartoons and illustrations that help to convey the key points => some of the examples used sound like what might happen in my own home
- it's one of those books that u don't mind re-reading again for a \"refresher\" course
Whilst our family backgrounds are different from each other, we share the same parenting woes and headaches. In other words, trying to cope with our children who are trying to assert themselves, rude, talk-back, would rather listen to their friends than their parents, school pressure, cyber influence and more...
It ain't easy being a parent! :stupid:
I can't comment on the Kids book as I did not read the book. But, apparently, it has garned rave reviews from parents and and has sold more than 2 million copies worldwide.
If u want to read other reviews, u can log on to amazon.com and key in the authors' name in their search engine.
And if you are really interested, guess u can borrow it from the libraries. I've also seen copies at Borders, Times and MPH (not sure about Popular). What I'd do is wait for the Borders weekend discounts (sometimes as much as 30%) and get the book. Saves $$!
Did it work for me and my family?
Somewhat. I do try to practise what the authors advise in the book and the suggestions do come in useful. It does help me and my children to communicate more effectively too - without the yelling and threats. But I must also confess that there are moments - in a fit of frustration - whatever parenting tips I've read are thrown out of the window. But hey! I'm not perfect, lah! :oops:
The book is definitely not a panadol to our parenting headaches, but it does give great tips and ideas on how to parent our kids more effectively.
Happy reading! -
Yes, Great books. worth reading as there are many scenerios in comics strips. Many times, we know what we should and should not do, but in practical, it is hard to control. Occasionally, i find myself using the tips and it improves the situation. so, happy reading. :celebrate:
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My boy is 9 years old too.
I suppose this is call peer influence.
Kids nowadays are very different from the past. They don’t take instructions blindly.
My boy will ask me why if he feels that my instruction is not right ( according to him ).
Kids at his age is beginning to have their own identity and ownership. They want to make decisions themselves and want their decision to be affirmed.
So I always let him do the talking as in why he feels otherwise and after listening to him, I will then explain to him why I expect him to listen to me.
When he feels that I have a point, he will agree with me and listens to me.
I believe as adults we expect respect, but kids also expect respect from the adults.
And I will much prefer my kids to respect me head to toe rather than the autocratic respect.
Listen to your kids and you will be amazed to know how his little mind can surprise you. -
Thanks for the book recommendation. Have reserved a copy from NLB.
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