Living with Depression

[heutistmeintag]

sashimi:

Your husband is unhappy with work, which is something he cannot expect family to resolve for him. Thus, he has to settle it himself.
...
To counter that, he seeks relief in retail therapy.
I have one suggestion to offer. I suspect that one source of his misery is simply the guilt from retail therapy.
...
Retail therapy is very effective on singles, but not on family men. Almost all family men I converse with share the same sentiments on retail therapy.

I have a simpler view to what your DH is going through. He felt that he had lost control at work and seeks to re-assure himself (ego?) through other activities such as retail therapy. Through purchases and especially expensive ones, he perhaps felt a sense of \"achievement\" for overcoming odds and finally making the purchases.

My biggest ego purchase was bodykits, hifi and performance modifications for my car. That total expenditure came to $10+ k and it felt soooo good. So I can appreciate how your DH felt. :celebrate: My DW didnt make a big fuss then because that ego \"trip\" came becoz of a windfall that I had. To some, maybe that feeling is extremely addictive.

Fortunately, I normally dont have such ego urges and can satisfy myself with simpler CD or gadget purchases. :oops: Maybe you could discuss with your DH if my explanation makes some sense to him. If so, then can encourage him with smaller purchases not to break the bank but still feel good.

[Funz]

No need to apologise at all Sashimi.


You are right on the dot when you say that he is unhappy with his work. I think that is about the only thing that is really bothering him. He will constantly tell me that he is appreciative of me and truly blessed to have me as his wife and our two kids. So from all these, I gather we are not the key source of problem for him. But again like you mention earlier and I also definitely do understand, work plays a big part in a man’s life so this unhappiness with his work seems to obliterate most other things worth celebrating.

As for his purchases. Admittedly, I was once unhappy about his spending when he has debts to clear. But I have since overcome that. No sense in 2 persons being unhappy since however unhappy I am, he will still buy what he wants to buy and then derive no pleasure from his purchase cos I am unhappy. So these days, I am neutral while he finds short term joy. Haha.

Help him spend find happiness? I just did that in May. First I unintentionally enticed him while looking for something for myself. Then I supported him since he was interested and finally, I ‘pushed’ him into making the purchase when he had doubts. Hahah. Evil me. But no regrets. It is a purchase that the whole family can enjoy. That to me is money well spent and happiness well earned.

Thank you guys for your inputs. Reading some of your suggestions got me thinking and did help me manage some of my frustrations with DH. I know full well that ultimately, the only person who can help him is himself. I cannot solve his problems for him but I will be there to support him.

[Funz]

Insider, hope your niece and brother in law will be provide your sis with the support she needs to get through this period.


DH’s situation is not as bad. He is not suicidal but this on-going cycle can be draining.

My sis went through a rough period quite a few years back as well. She thought she was going blind (she had retina detachment) and she was suffering from a host of stress related health issues. Like DH, she suffers from anxiety attacks. She was on blood thinners and had to see a heart specialist and she was only in her mid 30s then. My BIL was travelling a lot so she was alone most of the time. I accompanied her to most of her checkups and made the effort to spend time with her. Eventually, I told her to quit her job and come work with me. And since then, things improved for her. She did mention a few times that my intervention then was really timely, she would have been lost if I had not ‘meddled’.

I read your other post about the past life stuff. Just a word of caution, such things can be a double edged sword. If your sister has the right frame of mind, it may help but if not, it may have a negative impact cos we have no idea what is going to come out of the session. JMHO.

[mathsparks]

Hi insider,

Life is difficult for a lot of people…whether those rich or poor, with gifted kids or average kids.

Fortunately, you could help your sis’ family through your niece. Your strength, faith and wisdom will see her through this difficult time. Take care.

[Funz]

insider:

mathsparks:

Hi insider,

Life is difficult for a lot of people..whether those rich or poor, with gifted kids or average kids.

Fortunately, you could help your sis' family through your niece. Your strength, faith and wisdom will see her through this difficult time. Take care.

Hi Mathsparks


Thanks!

Life is always a challenge and it's only through these challenges that we can make ourselves stronger and better. It's just sad that some cannot pull through life adversities when adversities are inevitable in life...

I can write a lot over here not because I am 'cleverer' but maybe coz I am older and may have much more real life experience up to date than most of the younger parents here (whether personal or seeing other real life cases and learnt and reflected from each one).

In my study of Human Development, there is a part about children usually will model the life of their parents. This I have shared somewhere in this forum, meaning if one works like a cow, his kid will have a high chance to work like one when grows up; if one suicide, high chance of child also suicide, etc. I strongly believe in positive role modeling as far as parenting is concerned. My sis married young to escape from her hard family life at age around 22. I don't know this will happen to her 19 years old daughter or not (assuming my sis carries on to so unstable, my niece may decide to faster get married to escape from her house. This 'karma' thing whether will happen or not is yet to see...

Come to think of it, DH's mum does suffer from depression. There were times when she will call DH or SIL crying and saying that she is so lonely, no one cares about her and she is better off dead. She li jia chu zhou before, and picked on FIL all the time, accusing him of being unfaithful and all. She threatened suicide during our wedding preparation as well when things did not go as according to her expectations. She is a little better now that she has found God. Her new found religion has given her an outlet, a pillar to lean on.

I am not sure about this 'karma' thing but I think if one grows up in such a setting, certain things become the 'norm'. And where depression is concerned, many studies have shown that it is hereditary. Kids with depressed parents are more likely to suffer from depression. And kids do consciously or unconsciously model their lives after their parents' to a certain degree.

[ZacK]

insider:

Think my sis is currently in that blind spot. The course will start on 18 Sep

Sorry to hear that insider... Hope you will be able to help your sis pull thru... Wonder if part of her problems is because she feels she is a \"failure\" after putting in so much for her family ... Yet kids are defiant and constantly ending in a \"deadlock\" situation with her kids. Plus she does not seem to be close to hubby ... So in a way, the very environment that she puts her heart and soul in is not giving her the love, warmth, comfort and assurance that a loving and closely knitted family brings.

Of cos, there may be other elements that are adding to the stress that is resulting in this time being more serious and previous times.

It's scary for someone to habour thoughts of suicide, as they are like a walking time-bomb... May not be able to gauge when and when the bomb will blow.

May be good to have a word with your bro-in-law and nephew/nieces on your observation and gut feel... All they need is to stop being selfish and wanting their way and try to be more appreciative of what your sis is doing for them. Hopefully by feeling the love and warmth again... She may feel slightly better and see some light at the end of the tunnel... The blind spot that you talked abt, some just spiral downwards toward darkness and never climb out

[ZacK]

insider:

One of my master's teachings is if I feel I am sacrificing to do something, the best thing is not to do that something coz the long term outcome is unlikely to be good for the giver and the receiver. The most one can go is compromise and not sacrifice. I hold this also firmly in my mind consciously and whenever I feel I have to 'sacrifice', I look for alternative solutions to a situation to reach compromise. Master's teaching is SELF must be first and so don't sacrifice for anyone, include parents, and likewise, don't expect people to sacrifice for you and always look for compromise.

In my eyes, my sis is complete sacrifice for her family (her job, her friends, her own parents' family due to minimal contact and that's a great guilt to a filial child like her), and when these sacrifices don't seem to bear fruit (I am sure it will if she can wait some more coz these kids need time to mature), she probably goes into self-pity mood with all these negative thoughts...

It is every human's nature to be self-centred... When we give... We also expect something in return... Altho not in the same form or quantum. Can anyone give unconditionally and never receive anything in return? I do not think such a person exists and such an arrangement is healthy... Even when someone gives to charity anonymously, he would have gained (not in the same material form) but in terms of emotional fulfillment knowing that he was in a position to help someone else.

I agree that your sis needs to give her kids more time... Not all kids will be sensible when growing up... But given time, most kids will 开窍 and will realise and appreciate the hardships that parents go thru to bring them up.

I would suggest that perhaps your sis takes a break from her family routine a short while... Go away perhaps with you or some close friends, if any, but not with family... Do something and pamper herself for once, after having slogged for the family for so long. Just to let her know that besides her family... She also needs to take care of herself and her own well-being.

insider:

I find it difficult to talk to him as not sure about his personality (whether after the talk, he will accept or will go home and scold my sis for spilling her troubles to let everyone knows). If really need be, will call him for a chat as a last resort (hope still got time)...

May not be that your sis told you mah, I wouldnt like my wife to go ard telling other people as well... Can always say that you would like to share with him your observations regarding your sis and how this time is different from your previous observations, just to draw his attention on the severity and then hear what he may say... Perhaps he may be looking for someone to 诉苦 as well except that he did not know how to broach this matter to anyone.

All the best!

[puff]

Hi Funz


I used to suffer from depression too and i had symptoms similar to your DH.
I had cycles of dark mood and during these period i usually go drinking or shopping and would sometime experienced cold sweat and breathlessness. I used to find life meaningless and even attempted suicide twice but I am lucky to get out of it now.

From what i’ve been thro’ i think your DH depression could be due to job stress ( diff ppl have diff stress tolerance lvl so to u it might seem ok but could be very stressful for others) and another reason is what sashimi had mentioned the male role that he needs to be the pillar of support for the family if he appeared weak that may look unmanly.

To find out if his job is the sole problem to his depression try to discuss with him what are his alternative of changing job or start own biz (be optimistic and open with suggestion). It is important to let your DH knows that his happiness is your main concern be it whatever decision he made.
All this may take some time as it took my DH 3 years to let the idea sink in my head that i can quit my job as long as i am happy. Try to observe the frequency of his dark mood if there is lesser episode of his mood change then job stress could be 1 of the main problem.

After reading your post I ask my DH how he manage to ‘treat’ my depression… he told me REN ( tolerate) and lots of patient. Depression is a type of illness just like any other illness that need lots of understanding and love from family members.

[tony]

insider:

I can write a lot over here not because I am 'cleverer' but maybe coz I am older and may have much more real life experience up to date than most of the younger parents here (whether personal or seeing other real life cases and learnt and reflected from each one).

Insider,

All the best to you and your family. I just wanted to say that you have a lot to say not because of age. Some people go through life with their eyes wide open and are willing to introspect and think through what has gone wrong around them, as objectively as they can. This is a difficult thing because we have to question our own actions. I can only speak from my perspective - the tendency to justify is very strong when sometimes, I should just see it like it is.

Thank you for sharing and allowing us to see your insights. I genuinely believe your family is a lot better off because of you. In hard times, nothing is more critical than compassion.

[3Boys]

Funz:

Insider, hope your niece and brother in law will be provide your sis with the support she needs to get through this period.


DH's situation is not as bad. He is not suicidal but this on-going cycle can be draining.

My sis went through a rough period quite a few years back as well. She thought she was going blind (she had retina detachment) and she was suffering from a host of stress related health issues. Like DH, she suffers from anxiety attacks. She was on blood thinners and had to see a heart specialist and she was only in her mid 30s then. My BIL was travelling a lot so she was alone most of the time. I accompanied her to most of her checkups and made the effort to spend time with her. Eventually, I told her to quit her job and come work with me. And since then, things improved for her. She did mention a few times that my intervention then was really timely, she would have been lost if I had not 'meddled'.

I read your other post about the past life stuff. Just a word of caution, such things can be a double edged sword. If your sister has the right frame of mind, it may help but if not, it may have a negative impact cos we have no idea what is going to come out of the session. JMHO.

Dear Funz,
the mid 30's/mid 40's are a really stressful time for men. Most of us are mid-career, earning reasonable amounts, but with lots of commitments. There is a term called 'golden handcuffs', whereby you are being paid a goodly sum by your company, enough to handcuff you to your job such that you find it very difficult to switch out or decline additional responsibilities. This loss of control is very palpable and stressful, and this is the tier of middle/upper managers that are vulnerable to any cycle of layoffs (and we all know that). And then you've got friends/associates who seemingly have it made in life with big houses/cars.

This stress manifests in all the ways that your husband is exhibiting. Retail therapy, running, showering kids with gifts, locking oneself in the study. I myself have experienced all of these at one level or another (not to the extent of a BMW Coupe though!).

What to do here? I don't presume to provide counsel, but certainly there are healthy ways to try and destress. Running is definitely one of my outlets. As for comparisons with friends, I attended a corporate financial management course a couple of years ago, where the instructor gave a really interesting insight. A chunk of young professionals and managers flashing luxury possessions are in reality, leveraged up to their eyeballs in debt. But once they get on the luxury train, it becomes an arms race with their peers, and they find it difficult to get off. These folk have no peace of mind, the next layoff/paycut/interest rate rise, and they are out on a limb. Maybe this is something you can share with your DH? No point compromising on your financial future, instead chuckle quietly behind the backs of the flashers about how much peace of mind you have that you are not so burdened with luxury needs. Me and DW try to keep our operating costs low, so that we can survive on one salary for extended periods if need be. No expensive holidays, but hey, peace of mind!

Last, and not to pontificate, but I find that my religious beliefs help keep me grounded. In a sentence, \"do not store treasure on earth\", that is temporary and will waste away. 'nuff said on that.

Good luck!