In-law problems?

[janet88]

The Simz:

Janet

Life isn't fair, thats why all of us are gathered here to rant!

What to do ? The best thing to do is to avoid them...easier said than done but no choice. We need to keep our sanity.

[Funz]

I have over time adopted this stance. No need to argue with them, no need to be rude, no need to avoid them like a plague. Do my due diligence as a DIL, visit them, look after them when they are sick, celebrate their birthdays with them, let them totally dote on kiddos, accept whatever stuff they buy for us even if we don’t use them at all. When they nag or give well meaning advise that does not interfere with how I run things at home, just nod and say ok. I let all the barbed comments just slide off me, I take whatever they say at face value and not show that I understand any of the ‘in-between-the-lines’.


I think I am rather thick skinned loh. So I can ignore a lot of nonsense. And really after so many years, to a certain extent I can understand why they are the way they are.

It helps that DH is not that super duper close to them though he does at times feel a lot of guilt towards them and may over compensate during those times. We don’t live with them so that couple of hours here and there, doesn’t affect me that much anymore.

[sall]

mummyJune:

All along my mum look down on my husband. now she found another issue to look down on him & that is just because he doesnt have a licence & doesnt own a car. she even went around telling my relatives how inconvenient it is for us not to ve a car since we ve 2 young kids. sometimes when she wants to plan a dinner together, she always say aiya yr husband dun ve car, or else can go here/there eat.(my bro has a car , so wat?) i always reply i can take taxi wa, more convenient. sometimes even my aunties come & ask me y my husband doesnt want to learn driving. But when they ask & ask, i really dun want to reply them anymore. so irritating.

I can understand how you feel. Years ago, dh lost more than $100K because of some problems. Then my mum still kept asking me why we never get a car, buy a bigger house. See how insensitive she is. She wanted us to buy bigger house, get new car so she can brag to her relatives. :mad:

[Chenonceau]

Funz:

I let all the barbed comments just slide off me, I take whatever they say at face value and not show that I understand any of the 'in-between-the-lines'.


I think I am rather thick skinned loh. So I can ignore a lot of nonsense. And really after so many years, to a certain extent I can understand why they are the way they are.

Nope... I dun think you are thick-skinned at all. I think you are a very wise and very strong woman. These same qualities make you an asset to your children and husband and eventually your in-laws. It takes a lot of wisdom to know how to prevail with dignity like the wife in Proverbs 31. It takes even more wisdom (and strength of character) to know when NOT to fight.

My in-laws have begun lately to appreciate me. We are the only ones in the immediate and extended family able to afford and willing to share our house with the elderly folks... and not just a room... but a completely self-sufficient apartment. Now, they begin to understand why I have been so difficult with sharing money in the past 20 years. If I had allowed them to bleed us dry (in successive waves of consumeristic behaviors), we would not have had the capital to invest, and we would not be able to afford the standard of living and attention we can give them today.

My in-laws also have begun to appreciate that my 2 kids are well brought up, emotionally stable and reasonably successful academically. Now, they also understand why I have been so stubborn when it came to my kids.

I am surprised at their turn about. I did not ask it, do not need it. My job is to do what I think is right in caring for them in their old age. Whether they understood or not was not important. But I must say that their recent turnabout is pleasant. Let's hope it lasts.

[MMM]

insider:

Funz:

I let all the barbed comments just slide off me, I take whatever they say at face value and not show that I understand any of the 'in-between-the-lines'.


I think I am rather thick skinned loh. So I can ignore a lot of nonsense. And really after so many years, to a certain extent I can understand why they are the way they are.

Funz,

this is a good stand to take towards in-laws if we cannot meet eye to eye with them. Don't harbour ill feelings and just take comments at face value. I ever shared in an earlier post about my father-in-law displayed huge disappointment when he first visited me in the hospital after I gave birth to my first child, about him shaking his head while looking at my new born and commented, \"Why is it not a son?\"

Comments like these hurt but it's OK coz they are just from different era as us and they don't really mean what they say and so it will be futile if one remembers such words at heart and bear grudges unncessarily...

PS: Somehow I have this thinking that many of our teenage kids also taking the same stance with us, on 'ignoring' our advice/words and just nod their heads when we say something that they do not agree just to avoid unpleasantness / disagreement. It's just a diplomatic surviving skill that they get to learn along the way, sort of as a 'conditioned behaviour'...

I tend to agree on this approach. I think that is the guiding principle on how I \"survived\" with staying with my pils for the last 12 years. I am the type who usually stay in my own room or kids' room coaching them when I am home. I don't really talk to my pils unless there are something to talk about. I am not the chatty type that will find topic to talk to them about. Mil's hearing is not too good, so must talk very loud to her.

I used to hear stuff that mil said to the maid behind my back. Which was subsequently related to my mum. Eg. spend $ on buying clothes for kids.... waste of $ etc... But it didn't draw much reaction from me... Anyway, I am using my own $ and not her son, so why bother. Just bochap as they belong to the super thrifty type.

I think we all believed in \"Jia He Wan Shi Xing\". I feel that being a dil, our attitude/ character plays a big part. Sometimes if you just close one eye, the world will be a much better place to live in. For those stuff i hear, I don't relate to my hubby or expect him to do something, etc... I just tell myself that just bochap. It didn't affect me.

My mil's sister and hubby used to stay with her son. Dil is very capable and pretty high level in some mnc and they stay in those 5 storey cluster house. So space was not really a issue though the rooms in such development are really tiny. But sometime this year, the couple came up with a \"excuse\" that they intend to sell the house and requested mil's sister and hubby to move to their daughter's house first. When they did that, iso selling the house, the couple actually took over the parents' room and expanded it for their kid. So the old folks ended up moving permanently to the daughter's house. Hubby and I talked about this, I personally feel that dil in this case has a role to play sometimes. It's their family affair but I felt that no doubt, they have \"gotten rid\" of their parents, the approach wasn't right. Imagine what happens if our kids did that to us? Fortunately for mil's sister, she is financially stable type.

[janet88]

Funz:

I have over time adopted this stance. No need to argue with them, no need to be rude, no need to avoid them like a plague. Do my due diligence as a DIL, visit them, look after them when they are sick, celebrate their birthdays with them, let them totally dote on kiddos, accept whatever stuff they buy for us even if we don't use them at all. When they nag or give well meaning advise that does not interfere with how I run things at home, just nod and say ok. I let all the barbed comments just slide off me, I take whatever they say at face value and not show that I understand any of the 'in-between-the-lines'.

For one thing, you are not thick skinned but very brave.
It takes a lot of patience, tolerance and skill to be like you. There's no way I can do it. I do not wish to argue with them because it's not respectful to do that. Neither do I want to be rude to them either.

[The Simz]

Thanks all for the advice and it’s really important to choose which battle to fight. I used to fight all ‘battles’ and ended up very tired with no support from hubby. Until I showed him my white flag and wanted a ‘D’. Really must learn from all of you… still able to face them every week and some able to stay together. Need to brush up on my ppl’s skill.


I don’t know about the rest of the family, for my family, we will not interfere much on each family’s problem. My hub’s family will be involved in everything! Even sending my DS to cc needs approval from everyone in his family. The only objection was from my SIL who kept questioning us about our decisions. My SIL even had logistics issues plan out for pri sch though my DS is only 2+. My FIL treats my son like his son. I cannot carry or be near my son when he’s around. I should be happy that they love my son A LOT… but it’s really too overwhelming for me to take it!! Or am I too possessive?? I didn’t know in-laws prob can take such a big toil on the relationship. Now I getting all jittery to return back home! EEEeekkkkk!

[Chenonceau]

The Simz:

Thanks all for the advice and it's really important to choose which battle to fight. I used to fight all 'battles' and ended up very tired with no support from hubby. Until I showed him my white flag and wanted a 'D'. Really must learn from all of you.. still able to face them every week and some able to stay together. Need to brush up on my ppl's skill.


I don't know about the rest of the family, for my family, we will not interfere much on each family's problem. My hub's family will be involved in everything! Even sending my DS to cc needs approval from everyone in his family. The only objection was from my SIL who kept questioning us about our decisions. My SIL even had logistics issues plan out for pri sch though my DS is only 2+. My FIL treats my son like his son. I cannot carry or be near my son when he's around. I should be happy that they love my son A LOT.. but it's really too overwhelming for me to take it!! Or am I too possessive?? I didn't know in-laws prob can take such a big toil on the relationship. Now I getting all jittery to return back home! EEEeekkkkk!

I started married life in much the same situation as you. My MIL actually even sat my hubby and I down when we quarrelled one day and proposed to mediate!! My SIL wandered in and out of my room and my belongings disappeared. My in-laws had plenty to say about how I should be caring for my kids. I was accused of being a bad mother because I refused to give formula milk. I was not allowed to bathe my child twice a day.

I remember being very bewildered and I gave in all the time. In the beginning, I deferred to their wisdom. After all, I had never been married before and so I didn't know what was right or wrong. I gave in all the time. I had a consuming job and was only too happy to leave all this to people who styled themselves wise.

I knew something was wrong when my daughter was scoring in the bottom 25% of her year. I knew something was wrong when my son didn't like his sister and refused to go near his father. It dawned on me one day that they were my kids and if they didn't turn out right, I and they would suffer the consequences, not these aunties and uncles and Grandmas and Grandpas and cousins and sisters and brothers. From that point on, I demanded and schemed for the ownership of my kids, my marriage, my self and our money. I figured that the one to decide should be the one whose head was on the block if anything went wrong. It was my own head on the block so I decide... and if people asked, and I did not feel like explaining, I simply said \"Because I want.\"

My MIL was staying in our flat at that time (even though she had her own across the road). I insisted on a physical separation, telling my husband that he could marry his mother if he refused. After that, things were difficult for a few years. But by that time, I already had a well defined position of what was important and unimportant to me. It took more than a decade of enduring the unimportant (or pretending I didn't see or hear) and defending the important to earn my in-laws respect.

It's a long journey.

I didn't take over all in one day. It was a slow process. I first took over my daughter and left her my son. Up until last year, my MIL was still in charge of my son's Chinese. When I took over and his grades improved (even though I dunno Chinese) she really had nothing more to say.

On one occasion, after some particularly unwelcome interference, I sat her down and nicely let her know that I loved my children enough to want the best for them, and that if SHE could guarantee that my kids topped the class and grew up right in 10 years time, I would leave all to her and go back to work, and she could decide everything. Since she knew she could not make that promise (since within 2 years of my taking over, my DD went from bottom to top), she backed off.

[auntieM]

Must have been tough on you.. .. :salute: Chenonceau

[The Simz]

Chenonceau, you are really a great mother, dil and wife. Thanks for sharing your story with us. It’s not easy but you made it! It takes lots of wisdom and determination to bring you where you are right now. Oh God, please give me the same wisdom!!