In-law problems?

[MMM]

insider:

Funz:

I let all the barbed comments just slide off me, I take whatever they say at face value and not show that I understand any of the 'in-between-the-lines'.


I think I am rather thick skinned loh. So I can ignore a lot of nonsense. And really after so many years, to a certain extent I can understand why they are the way they are.

Funz,

this is a good stand to take towards in-laws if we cannot meet eye to eye with them. Don't harbour ill feelings and just take comments at face value. I ever shared in an earlier post about my father-in-law displayed huge disappointment when he first visited me in the hospital after I gave birth to my first child, about him shaking his head while looking at my new born and commented, \"Why is it not a son?\"

Comments like these hurt but it's OK coz they are just from different era as us and they don't really mean what they say and so it will be futile if one remembers such words at heart and bear grudges unncessarily...

PS: Somehow I have this thinking that many of our teenage kids also taking the same stance with us, on 'ignoring' our advice/words and just nod their heads when we say something that they do not agree just to avoid unpleasantness / disagreement. It's just a diplomatic surviving skill that they get to learn along the way, sort of as a 'conditioned behaviour'...

I tend to agree on this approach. I think that is the guiding principle on how I \"survived\" with staying with my pils for the last 12 years. I am the type who usually stay in my own room or kids' room coaching them when I am home. I don't really talk to my pils unless there are something to talk about. I am not the chatty type that will find topic to talk to them about. Mil's hearing is not too good, so must talk very loud to her.

I used to hear stuff that mil said to the maid behind my back. Which was subsequently related to my mum. Eg. spend $ on buying clothes for kids.... waste of $ etc... But it didn't draw much reaction from me... Anyway, I am using my own $ and not her son, so why bother. Just bochap as they belong to the super thrifty type.

I think we all believed in \"Jia He Wan Shi Xing\". I feel that being a dil, our attitude/ character plays a big part. Sometimes if you just close one eye, the world will be a much better place to live in. For those stuff i hear, I don't relate to my hubby or expect him to do something, etc... I just tell myself that just bochap. It didn't affect me.

My mil's sister and hubby used to stay with her son. Dil is very capable and pretty high level in some mnc and they stay in those 5 storey cluster house. So space was not really a issue though the rooms in such development are really tiny. But sometime this year, the couple came up with a \"excuse\" that they intend to sell the house and requested mil's sister and hubby to move to their daughter's house first. When they did that, iso selling the house, the couple actually took over the parents' room and expanded it for their kid. So the old folks ended up moving permanently to the daughter's house. Hubby and I talked about this, I personally feel that dil in this case has a role to play sometimes. It's their family affair but I felt that no doubt, they have \"gotten rid\" of their parents, the approach wasn't right. Imagine what happens if our kids did that to us? Fortunately for mil's sister, she is financially stable type.

[janet88]

Funz:

I have over time adopted this stance. No need to argue with them, no need to be rude, no need to avoid them like a plague. Do my due diligence as a DIL, visit them, look after them when they are sick, celebrate their birthdays with them, let them totally dote on kiddos, accept whatever stuff they buy for us even if we don't use them at all. When they nag or give well meaning advise that does not interfere with how I run things at home, just nod and say ok. I let all the barbed comments just slide off me, I take whatever they say at face value and not show that I understand any of the 'in-between-the-lines'.

For one thing, you are not thick skinned but very brave.
It takes a lot of patience, tolerance and skill to be like you. There's no way I can do it. I do not wish to argue with them because it's not respectful to do that. Neither do I want to be rude to them either.

[The Simz]

Thanks all for the advice and it’s really important to choose which battle to fight. I used to fight all ‘battles’ and ended up very tired with no support from hubby. Until I showed him my white flag and wanted a ‘D’. Really must learn from all of you… still able to face them every week and some able to stay together. Need to brush up on my ppl’s skill.


I don’t know about the rest of the family, for my family, we will not interfere much on each family’s problem. My hub’s family will be involved in everything! Even sending my DS to cc needs approval from everyone in his family. The only objection was from my SIL who kept questioning us about our decisions. My SIL even had logistics issues plan out for pri sch though my DS is only 2+. My FIL treats my son like his son. I cannot carry or be near my son when he’s around. I should be happy that they love my son A LOT… but it’s really too overwhelming for me to take it!! Or am I too possessive?? I didn’t know in-laws prob can take such a big toil on the relationship. Now I getting all jittery to return back home! EEEeekkkkk!

[Chenonceau]

The Simz:

Thanks all for the advice and it's really important to choose which battle to fight. I used to fight all 'battles' and ended up very tired with no support from hubby. Until I showed him my white flag and wanted a 'D'. Really must learn from all of you.. still able to face them every week and some able to stay together. Need to brush up on my ppl's skill.


I don't know about the rest of the family, for my family, we will not interfere much on each family's problem. My hub's family will be involved in everything! Even sending my DS to cc needs approval from everyone in his family. The only objection was from my SIL who kept questioning us about our decisions. My SIL even had logistics issues plan out for pri sch though my DS is only 2+. My FIL treats my son like his son. I cannot carry or be near my son when he's around. I should be happy that they love my son A LOT.. but it's really too overwhelming for me to take it!! Or am I too possessive?? I didn't know in-laws prob can take such a big toil on the relationship. Now I getting all jittery to return back home! EEEeekkkkk!

I started married life in much the same situation as you. My MIL actually even sat my hubby and I down when we quarrelled one day and proposed to mediate!! My SIL wandered in and out of my room and my belongings disappeared. My in-laws had plenty to say about how I should be caring for my kids. I was accused of being a bad mother because I refused to give formula milk. I was not allowed to bathe my child twice a day.

I remember being very bewildered and I gave in all the time. In the beginning, I deferred to their wisdom. After all, I had never been married before and so I didn't know what was right or wrong. I gave in all the time. I had a consuming job and was only too happy to leave all this to people who styled themselves wise.

I knew something was wrong when my daughter was scoring in the bottom 25% of her year. I knew something was wrong when my son didn't like his sister and refused to go near his father. It dawned on me one day that they were my kids and if they didn't turn out right, I and they would suffer the consequences, not these aunties and uncles and Grandmas and Grandpas and cousins and sisters and brothers. From that point on, I demanded and schemed for the ownership of my kids, my marriage, my self and our money. I figured that the one to decide should be the one whose head was on the block if anything went wrong. It was my own head on the block so I decide... and if people asked, and I did not feel like explaining, I simply said \"Because I want.\"

My MIL was staying in our flat at that time (even though she had her own across the road). I insisted on a physical separation, telling my husband that he could marry his mother if he refused. After that, things were difficult for a few years. But by that time, I already had a well defined position of what was important and unimportant to me. It took more than a decade of enduring the unimportant (or pretending I didn't see or hear) and defending the important to earn my in-laws respect.

It's a long journey.

I didn't take over all in one day. It was a slow process. I first took over my daughter and left her my son. Up until last year, my MIL was still in charge of my son's Chinese. When I took over and his grades improved (even though I dunno Chinese) she really had nothing more to say.

On one occasion, after some particularly unwelcome interference, I sat her down and nicely let her know that I loved my children enough to want the best for them, and that if SHE could guarantee that my kids topped the class and grew up right in 10 years time, I would leave all to her and go back to work, and she could decide everything. Since she knew she could not make that promise (since within 2 years of my taking over, my DD went from bottom to top), she backed off.

[auntieM]

Must have been tough on you.. .. :salute: Chenonceau

[The Simz]

Chenonceau, you are really a great mother, dil and wife. Thanks for sharing your story with us. It’s not easy but you made it! It takes lots of wisdom and determination to bring you where you are right now. Oh God, please give me the same wisdom!!

[Funz]

I had it much easier then Chen. I think cos my ILs are not as scary as hers. A lot of nonsense arise because they listen to their relatives, not because they are like that. Most of the time they don't have much of an opinion about anything which in many ways make them easily influenced.


When DH and I started getting serious with each other, we kinda talked over a few major stuff like whether I will stop working, how many kids, living arrangements, caregiving arrangements for kids, etc.

My relationship with my ILs during the early stage of our marriage was not that smooth. Our wedding instead of being a day we looked forward to became and event that we both wanted to just get it over and done with. FIL threatened not to attend, MIL threatened suicide a week before our wedding. MIL was clingy with DH. She wanted a set of our house keys to help us clean. DH almost gave her a set, but I told him no, she is his mother not his maid. Respect her and not expect her to clean for us. She will call him a few times a day and I think earlier in this thread I did mention that she even called to remind him to brush his teeth. When we meet them for meals on weekends, she will cling on to DH's arm as we walk. It used to drive me nuts as I end up walking behind all of them as FIL will always charge ahead of everyone and disappear. I ever thought, since she clinging to my husband, I go cling on to her husband see how she feels. :siao: Imagine me clinging on to my FIL's arm. :shock: :sick: But never do that lah.

They wanted to name our kids but I told them no, they had their turn to name their own kids. They pulled some tradition crap that their parents named DH and his sis. Told them no, DH and I will decide our kids' name. MIL tried to call DD by some name that they wanted but each time she did that I told DD, even from infancy, 'tell granma that's not your name, your name is xxxx'. When dd started talking which started quite early, she herself told MIL that, well not in that many words but very effectively, 'NO! XXXX!(her name).

MIL wanted to take care of our kids, I told DH I am more comfortable with my own mum helping. When MIL knew about our 2nd pregnancy, she laid on the pressure and got her siblings (she has 13 living siblings) to call DH and talk to him about it. I stood firm but that episode did cause some tension between DH and I. MIL took to putting DH down. Said he has no say in any decisions made in our marriage and all but called him henpecked. Imagine what that can do to a man's ego. We fought over it and in the end I asked him to be totally honest and to think about what we are fighting over. Asked him if he wants his mum to look after our kids because he honestly thinks that his mum can do a better job and things can be managed better or because he wants to pacify her. If it is to pacify her, then is it fair to our kids, to me.

I used to resent how MIL takes over handling DD whenever we met. I think it is something all new mothers go through. The possesiveness and the irrational jealousy. I gloat when DD fussed non-stop when MIL tried to handle her and refuse to give her any pointers at all to help settle DD. MIL will refuse to ask me to help settle DD until FIL cannot tahan the crying and will order MIL to pass DD back to me to handle and I will then haughtily take over and settle DD in seconds. Very b!tchy of me hor. :oops:

That was me then lah. These days when we meet up, I encourage kiddos to engage PILs. If MIL wanna cling to DH's arm I am ok, if not, I will ask either DD or DS to hold her hand. It is afterall only for that few hours.

[LOLMum]

if you want to be the one to make the decision, then got to be firm with everyone in the family. thank them for their advice but let them know that you have the final say.


sometimes a person give in to others because of all the tears and shouting matches, confrontation etc but it is a BIG MISTAKE to give in.

you wouldnt want your kid to tell you one day that he belives you are stupid, no good mother because grandma, grandpa and aunties said that, do you?

hopefully you could get the support of your dh. afterall both of you have been living in a foreign land happily without interference from inlaws and he clearly could see you are a good mum.

sometimes life is easier and happier if you dont need to see any parties so often.

however, i think your fil and mil have a very strong and deep bond with their children and this is something i would like to have with my children too even after their marriage. but do have a draw a line in not poking our nose into their affairs.

[Chenonceau]

The Simz:

Chenonceau, you are really a great mother, dil and wife. Thanks for sharing your story with us. It's not easy but you made it! It takes lots of wisdom and determination to bring you where you are right now. Oh God, please give me the same wisdom!!

God helped a lot a lot!! I could never have done it alone. Proverbs 31 helped a lot a lot!! I drew so much inspiration from there. At one point, I read that chapter twice a day for months and months. And everytime I read it, I found something of myself to change... and I could feel myself changing. It was a chapter that made me cry in despair when I first read it because I believed that it was an impossible task. Seriously, I cried and was momentarily angry with God that He had defined such high standards of womanhood. I was miserable and God did not comfort me. Instead, He told me that it was my own fault that I was miserable because I was nowhere near being the woman he wanted me to be. It was humiliating and painful.

But somehow God was faithful through the years and He gave me wisdom, comfort and strength... and He used me mightily to love people that I thought I could not love.

I became stronger and more purposeful. The stronger I grew, the more gentle I became. The more gentle I became, the more effective I became as wife, mother and DIL. Gentleness is a woman's strength. If we are not afraid, we can afford to be gentle. When one fears, one tends to be emotional and in being emotional, to do others violence.

Proverbs 31 writes that the noble wife is clothed in strength and dignity. I wondered how one might be clothed in strength and dignity but as I grew in gentleness, I grew also wisdom and in stature, and in favour with God, with my husband, with my kids... and then finally with my in-laws. And then I realised that it is God who clothed me in strength and dignity... as the years passed, this mantle of strength and dignity replaced high heels, $300/= power suits, lipstick and perfume. I dun need those to feel good about myself anymore.

No... I could not have done it alone. It was a long journey, and much of it was clouded in uncertainty. I never really knew whether I was right but I knew I had to try because that is my ministry, and my kids and my husband depended on me to do it well. Looking back, I didn't think it was all that tough. It probably sounds worse to onlookers, but me, He held my hand every step of the way.

God will guide you. I do not doubt that at all.

[smurf]

Chenonceau:

Gentleness is a woman's strength. If we are not afraid, we can afford to be gentle. When one fears, one tends to be emotional and in being emotional, to do others violence.

Chenonceau,

i just have to write this:

:salute: :udawoman:

:thankyou: Chenonceau again!