In-law problems?
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Must have been tough on you.. .. :salute: Chenonceau
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Chenonceau, you are really a great mother, dil and wife. Thanks for sharing your story with us. It’s not easy but you made it! It takes lots of wisdom and determination to bring you where you are right now. Oh God, please give me the same wisdom!!
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I had it much easier then Chen. I think cos my ILs are not as scary as hers. A lot of nonsense arise because they listen to their relatives, not because they are like that. Most of the time they don't have much of an opinion about anything which in many ways make them easily influenced.
When DH and I started getting serious with each other, we kinda talked over a few major stuff like whether I will stop working, how many kids, living arrangements, caregiving arrangements for kids, etc.
My relationship with my ILs during the early stage of our marriage was not that smooth. Our wedding instead of being a day we looked forward to became and event that we both wanted to just get it over and done with. FIL threatened not to attend, MIL threatened suicide a week before our wedding. MIL was clingy with DH. She wanted a set of our house keys to help us clean. DH almost gave her a set, but I told him no, she is his mother not his maid. Respect her and not expect her to clean for us. She will call him a few times a day and I think earlier in this thread I did mention that she even called to remind him to brush his teeth. When we meet them for meals on weekends, she will cling on to DH's arm as we walk. It used to drive me nuts as I end up walking behind all of them as FIL will always charge ahead of everyone and disappear. I ever thought, since she clinging to my husband, I go cling on to her husband see how she feels. :siao: Imagine me clinging on to my FIL's arm. :shock: :sick: But never do that lah.
They wanted to name our kids but I told them no, they had their turn to name their own kids. They pulled some tradition crap that their parents named DH and his sis. Told them no, DH and I will decide our kids' name. MIL tried to call DD by some name that they wanted but each time she did that I told DD, even from infancy, 'tell granma that's not your name, your name is xxxx'. When dd started talking which started quite early, she herself told MIL that, well not in that many words but very effectively, 'NO! XXXX!(her name).
MIL wanted to take care of our kids, I told DH I am more comfortable with my own mum helping. When MIL knew about our 2nd pregnancy, she laid on the pressure and got her siblings (she has 13 living siblings) to call DH and talk to him about it. I stood firm but that episode did cause some tension between DH and I. MIL took to putting DH down. Said he has no say in any decisions made in our marriage and all but called him henpecked. Imagine what that can do to a man's ego. We fought over it and in the end I asked him to be totally honest and to think about what we are fighting over. Asked him if he wants his mum to look after our kids because he honestly thinks that his mum can do a better job and things can be managed better or because he wants to pacify her. If it is to pacify her, then is it fair to our kids, to me.
I used to resent how MIL takes over handling DD whenever we met. I think it is something all new mothers go through. The possesiveness and the irrational jealousy.
I gloat when DD fussed non-stop when MIL tried to handle her and refuse to give her any pointers at all to help settle DD. MIL will refuse to ask me to help settle DD until FIL cannot tahan the crying and will order MIL to pass DD back to me to handle and I will then haughtily take over and settle DD in seconds. Very b!tchy of me hor. :oops:
That was me then lah. These days when we meet up, I encourage kiddos to engage PILs. If MIL wanna cling to DH's arm I am ok, if not, I will ask either DD or DS to hold her hand. It is afterall only for that few hours. -
if you want to be the one to make the decision, then got to be firm with everyone in the family. thank them for their advice but let them know that you have the final say.
sometimes a person give in to others because of all the tears and shouting matches, confrontation etc but it is a BIG MISTAKE to give in.
you wouldnt want your kid to tell you one day that he belives you are stupid, no good mother because grandma, grandpa and aunties said that, do you?
hopefully you could get the support of your dh. afterall both of you have been living in a foreign land happily without interference from inlaws and he clearly could see you are a good mum.
sometimes life is easier and happier if you dont need to see any parties so often.
however, i think your fil and mil have a very strong and deep bond with their children and this is something i would like to have with my children too even after their marriage. but do have a draw a line in not poking our nose into their affairs. -
The Simz:
Chenonceau, you are really a great mother, dil and wife. Thanks for sharing your story with us. It's not easy but you made it! It takes lots of wisdom and determination to bring you where you are right now. Oh God, please give me the same wisdom!!
God helped a lot a lot!! I could never have done it alone. Proverbs 31 helped a lot a lot!! I drew so much inspiration from there. At one point, I read that chapter twice a day for months and months. And everytime I read it, I found something of myself to change... and I could feel myself changing. It was a chapter that made me cry in despair when I first read it because I believed that it was an impossible task. Seriously, I cried and was momentarily angry with God that He had defined such high standards of womanhood. I was miserable and God did not comfort me. Instead, He told me that it was my own fault that I was miserable because I was nowhere near being the woman he wanted me to be. It was humiliating and painful.
But somehow God was faithful through the years and He gave me wisdom, comfort and strength... and He used me mightily to love people that I thought I could not love.
I became stronger and more purposeful. The stronger I grew, the more gentle I became. The more gentle I became, the more effective I became as wife, mother and DIL. Gentleness is a woman's strength. If we are not afraid, we can afford to be gentle. When one fears, one tends to be emotional and in being emotional, to do others violence.
Proverbs 31 writes that the noble wife is clothed in strength and dignity. I wondered how one might be clothed in strength and dignity but as I grew in gentleness, I grew also wisdom and in stature, and in favour with God, with my husband, with my kids... and then finally with my in-laws. And then I realised that it is God who clothed me in strength and dignity... as the years passed, this mantle of strength and dignity replaced high heels, $300/= power suits, lipstick and perfume. I dun need those to feel good about myself anymore.
No... I could not have done it alone. It was a long journey, and much of it was clouded in uncertainty. I never really knew whether I was right but I knew I had to try because that is my ministry, and my kids and my husband depended on me to do it well. Looking back, I didn't think it was all that tough. It probably sounds worse to onlookers, but me, He held my hand every step of the way.
God will guide you. I do not doubt that at all. -
Chenonceau:
Chenonceau,
Gentleness is a woman's strength. If we are not afraid, we can afford to be gentle. When one fears, one tends to be emotional and in being emotional, to do others violence.
i just have to write this:
:salute: :udawoman:
:thankyou: Chenonceau again! -
auntieM:
Must have been tough on you.. .. :salute: Chenonceau
HI Chenonceau,
You have gone through so much...a very brave woman.
:salute: -
Chenonceau:
But somehow God was faithful through the years and He gave me wisdom, comfort and strength... and He used me mightily to love people that I thought I could not love.
I wish I could have that wisdom, comfort and strength too. Cos it's really hard to love people who hurt and ostracise you, and even bad-mouth untruths behind your back.Chenonceau:
So so true...and such wise saying, Chenonceau!Gentleness is a woman's strength. If we are not afraid, we can afford to be gentle. When one fears, one tends to be emotional and in being emotional, to do others violence.
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Angelight:
Teehee! Actually hor... I still fear sometimes. I don't think the apprehension ever really goes away. One can try, but will never be perfect.Chenonceau:
Gentleness is a woman's strength. If we are not afraid, we can afford to be gentle. When one fears, one tends to be emotional and in being emotional, to do others violence.
So so true...and such wise saying, Chenonceau! -
My first post in this thread.
I also have in law problem to share and lately the problem is getting out of hand. My MIL is staying with me for about 3 years (ever since my DS goes to P1). We give her the authority to mend the kitchen as she like to cook and i personally feel that what she actually want is the authority to mend the whole household including how to handle my kids. She always feel that what i done (in term of upbringing the kids and household) always on the wrong side. Complaint to my kids numerous of times. Lately she is bringing my SIL into our family problems. Ex: MIL find that the chinese physician that we bring our kids to is no good, she will ask my SIL to talk to me and on other occasion, when MIL buy junk food for my kids she will use my SIL’s name, so that we, parent unable to forbid kids not to eat.
My relationship with DH is turn to worse ever since his mother stay with us. We fought lots of times due to that. On one occassions DH actually telling me off saying that since I do not respect my MIL so dun had up for a respect from her. Yes, its truth that i never greet my MIL whether i am going out or go home but does that wrong till she have to bad mouthed me in front of my kids so many times. MIL is also double faced (acting angelic in front of DH and bitchy on his back) making DH did not believe me if i complain/telling me my displeasureness.
Am i too petty or unfillial? am really at my end wits in handling her.
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