Cold Wars (with your spouse)

[Funz]

I am normally the kind of person will explode and get over it very quickly as well. If there is something that I am not happy about, I trash it out. Once aired, I move on.


However, many years ago, I think, I was in cold war mode with DH for over a year. Talking to him only to convey information, not confiding in him about anything, handling everything myself, not bothering to talk to him about what I was unhappy about, going about my own activities without including him, etc.

It reached that point after many years of me being vocal about how I felt, wanting to work things out but him not responding, countless broken promises, being blamed for all things that did not go his way, being the last on his list of priorities, being lied to, etc. At some point, I shut down. I was so tired that I became numb. I did not care anymore whether he came home for dinner or whether or not he was home at 3/4am. I no longer had the energy to get upset when he came home pissed drunk. I moved on with my own life.

Our turning point came when he was at his lowest point in his career. That was when he turned to us, his family, but I was not there for him. He will try to confide in me but I was too ‘closed up’ to offer any kind of support for him. He reached out and said he is really trying and has been for the last few months but I was not acknowledging his efforts. That opened a floodgate. There was so much resentment in me by then and all I wanted to do was to hit out at him. I ranted and railed and he yelled and shouted there was tears and old pain resurfaced. He said he was trying I said not hard enough, he said he was lonely, I told him so was I and where was he all these time. But in the end, when the rush of emotions settled, I told him to give me time to let go of all the resentment.

I never thought what happened years ago was cold war since basic ‘need to’ conversation was still on going.

In any case, I will say don’t let your cold wars drag on too long. It will eat away at you and in it does not solve anything. The only way to work things out is to really trash it out and talk it through and of course followed by necessary actions and commitments.

[SandS]

Herbie:

Nebbermind:

[quote=\"SandS\"]My bil and sil on cold war for... 20years+? Talk via sons.

That's an ULTIMATE torture!!!

Like tat also can? What if the messenger pass the wrong messenge??[/quote]
We don't talk about this.

SIL cut ties with BIL/hubby's family, so I haven't \"met\" her nor introduce to her. It was a feud that happened before I met hubby. Till now I am not sure what happened that could lead to this. Hubby did tell parts & pieces, but to me it doesn't warrant cutting off ties. But who knows the real story.

2 boys already finish NS now... 3rd one in Sec school. I only met 1 of them a few times.

It's really sad, but I heard things are slowly improving recent months.

As for myself & hubby, usually it's me who start the cold war.. and he ignorantly (pretend or otherwise??) still talk on & on like usual :roll: till I'm warm and talking again.

[Baby39]

SandS, you are one lucky lady.


For me, it is impossible for him to break the ice or to expect an apology from him. He is never in the wrong in his perspectives. I am always the one that swallows my dignity if any left to break the ice to get a big "lashing" from him. My sorry is not good enough now, so he said last round. I don’t know what is anymore and I am not even trying now …

You need two hands to clap. When one does not recognise that there is a problem and thinks the problem is always with the other party, I am not sure if the problem can be resolved honestly. I am not sure if fight it out is a better option. I have no confidence in myself now for saying the right things … those that he wants to hear!

[sYEO]

I agree with Baby39. My hubby is the type who doesn’t see his wrongs even when his IS wrong. He never apologise, if he did wrong things, he will blame everyone for ‘driving’ him to do that. Yes, talk more, wrong more. Best is to keep quiet. How else to do?

[LOLMum]

just curious, do you know about his attitude/character before marriage?


if yes, why do you still marry him?

[Herbie]

love is blind. Is really an art to live together under the same roof.

[LOLMum]

i dont even know if there is love.


one girlfirend married long time boyfriend (been staying with his family for a long time) and declared she doesnt like his family and complained about hubby just a few months after marriage. talked about divorce etc and i asked why marry in the first place. answer was \"invested too much of her youth on him\"..............she was only in her mid 20's. :faint:

same for another girlfriend, knew that her longtime boyfriend has a fiery temper yet married. now always complaining and talking about divorce too.... :faint:

[Herbie]

if there is no love,i guess yr girl friend must also like the hubby


I dun anyone would want to marry something they dislike/hate just to sabo herself.

[koli]

just had one 2 weeks ago and lasted for 2 days… Issue: PIL and his family… headache

I agreed that communication is very impt but sometimes when we strike at the wrong timing, the quarrel will even last longer…

[sYEO]

Usual scenario is, during ‘pak tor’ time, all lovey-dovey, everything can. But after marriage, all true colours (‘pattern’) comes out. How?