Extra Marital Affair
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ilovehermes:
Recognise the need to rebuild the relationship. However I feel the effort has to be from both parties and not just one. If one party keeps items related to the other woman, how will the spouse be able to believe that he is willing to start afresh? As the spouse who was being cheated on, I do not know whether he left the EMA willingly or it is the case where he does not have anywhere to go and just come back to camp until another comes along..I will try not to be bothered about these matters. However its really so hard, so hard to forget and its worse that I have to be constantly reminded about the EMA via the items he kept that is related to the other woman. I really do not know how to do this. It seems that the wives have it harder. We have to be super understanding towards the man and if not, he will look elsewhere and that's perfectly justifiable. When we ask for understanding, we are deemed unreasonable (hence not understanding towards the man) and again that is reason for him to look elsewhere.
This is because you didn't put your foot down.
But you have to ask yourself if you are really prepared to put your foot firmly down, even to the point of divorce if he does not respect your limits. You have to be sure that you are willing to face all possible consequences and ripple effects including your kids, extended family, financial concerns should it come to divorce. If you are not ready, bluntly put, he will always have the upper hand in the relationship.
As a mother with young dependents, you should put your priorities into securing your finances no matter the state of your marriage. -
ilovehermes:
My husband cheated on me for 10 months with another married co-worker. When he wanted to divorce me, he was extremely mean and hurtful to me. However when he broke off with her, it was done with considerations to her feelings. Although he is back with me now, I cannot help but feel jealous why he could be so mean to me but not her. What should I do? I hate myself for feeling this way as I want to move on.
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After an affair, the person having the affair will go through a stage of withdrawal, sometime extreme withdrawal. He will be distant from you. He could be mean, anger and in depression.
You feeling helpless, you want rebuild your relationship fast and your whole world now is about your DH or the OW.
Remember do not give up or lose hope of your marriage or DH. Don't not yell, scream at him as this will push him further away from him.
Goggle internet to get information, good site on marriage building.. I find these sites very useful. I know you've lots of questions that need to be answer.
http://www.emotionalaffair.org/affair-withdrawal-a-difficult-hurdle/
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html[/color][/color] -
i am glad to see this thread.
I am going thru a rough patch with DH, reading this makes me feel that i am not alone. -
hotcake1:
To be honest, I've been through marital crises and I don't believe in all these. I think it takes 2 hands to clap. One party should not be giving in all the time. I will definitely not take a kid's gloves approach. I threw all my husband's clothes out the door and locked him out when I found out about a fliration he had. But I am by no means impulsive. I am very rational and I know my finances and what I will say to my children. Sometimes one party screws up, and it can have nothing to do with the other party. Sometimes the party that screws up has his/her own issues to sort out.For me, I refuse to be collateral damage. If my husband doesn't get his priorities clarified, he goes out. I told him I am making the stand for myself and for the values I am teaching my children. My children will learn that trust and integrity are important and they should settle for nothing less. And if someone gives them bullshit repeatedly, they should not tolerate it. He later told me he has never been so scared before in his life. This is because he knows I am serious.ilovehermes:
My husband cheated on me for 10 months with another married co-worker. When he wanted to divorce me, he was extremely mean and hurtful to me. However when he broke off with her, it was done with considerations to her feelings. Although he is back with me now, I cannot help but feel jealous why he could be so mean to me but not her. What should I do? I hate myself for feeling this way as I want to move on.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After an affair, the person having the affair will go through a stage of withdrawal, sometime extreme withdrawal. He will be distant from you. He could be mean, anger and in depression.
You feeling helpless, you want rebuild your relationship fast and your whole world now is about your DH or the OW.
Remember do not give up or lose hope of your marriage or DH. Don't not yell, scream at him as this will push him further away from him.
Goggle internet to get information, good site on marriage building.. I find these sites very useful. I know you've lots of questions that need to be answer.
http://www.emotionalaffair.org/affair-withdrawal-a-difficult-hurdle/
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html[/color][/color]
But of course, you must be very clear where you stand when you give an ultimatum. There is no room for regrets. -
deminc:
To be honest, I've been through marital crises and I don't believe in all these. I think it takes 2 hands to clap. One party should not be giving in all the time. I will definitely not take a kid's gloves approach. I threw all my husband's clothes out the door and locked him out when I found out about a fliration he had. But I am by no means impulsive. I am very rational and I know my finances and what I will say to my children. Sometimes one party screws up, and it can have nothing to do with the other party. Sometimes the party that screws up has his/her own issues to sort out.For me, I refuse to be collateral damage. If my husband doesn't get his priorities clarified, he goes out. I told him I am making the stand for myself and for the values I am teaching my children. My children will learn that trust and integrity are important and they should settle for nothing less. And if someone gives them bullshit repeatedly, they should not tolerate it. He later told me he has never been so scared before in his life. This is because he knows I am serious.hotcake1:
[quote=\"ilovehermes\"]My husband cheated on me for 10 months with another married co-worker. When he wanted to divorce me, he was extremely mean and hurtful to me. However when he broke off with her, it was done with considerations to her feelings. Although he is back with me now, I cannot help but feel jealous why he could be so mean to me but not her. What should I do? I hate myself for feeling this way as I want to move on.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After an affair, the person having the affair will go through a stage of withdrawal, sometime extreme withdrawal. He will be distant from you. He could be mean, anger and in depression.
You feeling helpless, you want rebuild your relationship fast and your whole world now is about your DH or the OW.
Remember do not give up or lose hope of your marriage or DH. Don't not yell, scream at him as this will push him further away from him.
Goggle internet to get information, good site on marriage building.. I find these sites very useful. I know you've lots of questions that need to be answer.
http://www.emotionalaffair.org/affair-withdrawal-a-difficult-hurdle/
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html[/color][/color]
But of course, you must be very clear where you stand when you give an ultimatum. There is no room for regrets.[/quote]What you wrote reminds me of a book... \"Act Like a Lady. Think Like a Man.\" Link here... http://www.harpercollins.com/browseinside/index.aspx?isbn13=9780061728976
Might be good for those who have experienced EMA from husbands. -
Vet thru the past few thread on EMA, seems like it is the husband who is straying, is there any guys out there who has a straying spouse? Would like to hear how you handle the situation.
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Not sure if DH is straying, he still treats me well. However, in the last few months, he had came home after 3pm (3 times) with smoke and tint of perfume smell on him/clothes. Twice I found some marks on him....tho I'm not sure if it's really what I think (self-denial perhaps)
Confronted him in a joking manner. He would 'entertain' me for ~5mins after which he would get frustrated & irritated when I probe more. I'm feeling rather lost now......what do I want? can I handle the truth if he had really cheated on me? Being rather traditional, I would probably push him away once I know he has touched someone else......
I dunno if he's angry/irritated with me >>for not trusting him or >> he's guilty and trying to hide.
I dun drink and tho I know smoke will get onto the clothes and hair in air-con places, but perfume? And the perfume smell is only found on certain spots on him/clothes which make me all the more suspicious and going :siao: thinking about it.
Any advice?
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Jason_lim:
Vet thru the past few thread on EMA, seems like it is the husband who is straying, is there any guys out there who has a straying spouse? Would like to hear how you handle the situation.
Y not, there are many gals out there who do it also. -
verylost:
Think what u mean is 3AM!Not sure if DH is straying, he still treats me well. However, in the last few months, he had came home after 3pm (3 times) with smoke and tint of perfume smell on him/clothes. Twice I found some marks on him....tho I'm not sure if it's really what I think (self-denial perhaps)
Confronted him in a joking manner. He would 'entertain' me for ~5mins after which he would get frustrated & irritated when I probe more. I'm feeling rather lost now......what do I want? can I handle the truth if he had really cheated on me? Being rather traditional, I would probably push him away once I know he has touched someone else......
I dunno if he's angry/irritated with me >>for not trusting him or >> he's guilty and trying to hide.
I dun drink and tho I know smoke will get onto the clothes and hair in air-con places, but perfume? And the perfume smell is only found on certain spots on him/clothes which make me all the more suspicious and going :siao: thinking about it.
Any advice?
What sort of marks? Love bite? Lip Stick? -
verylost:
I am not in the position to give advice.Not sure if DH is straying, he still treats me well. However, in the last few months, he had came home after 3pm (3 times) with smoke and tint of perfume smell on him/clothes. Twice I found some marks on him....tho I'm not sure if it's really what I think (self-denial perhaps)
Confronted him in a joking manner. He would 'entertain' me for ~5mins after which he would get frustrated & irritated when I probe more. I'm feeling rather lost now......what do I want? can I handle the truth if he had really cheated on me? Being rather traditional, I would probably push him away once I know he has touched someone else......
I dunno if he's angry/irritated with me >>for not trusting him or >> he's guilty and trying to hide.
I dun drink and tho I know smoke will get onto the clothes and hair in air-con places, but perfume? And the perfume smell is only found on certain spots on him/clothes which make me all the more suspicious and going :siao: thinking about it.
Any advice?
Just that in my opinion, sometimes spouse stray not because of a pull factor (by the 3rd party) but of push factor (something lacking or unhappiness at home), and of course sometimes it is a combination of both.
Constantly questioning or raising doubts can be pushing him further, rather than pull him back.
Is he one that is likely to stray?
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