Small fish in big pond or big fish in small pond?

[Chenonceau]

Funz:

Chenonceau:

My DD commented to her brother one day that Mom is good at watching people dig their own graves. The problem later is that Mom insists that people lie in the graves they dug whilst she sits nearby with a cup of tea.

:rotflmao: :rotflmao:

Cannot help but laugh at the way your DD put it.

Yup, I do let my kids make their own choice on some small inconsequential stuff for now. No guts to gamble with more important stuff.

And when they have to face the consequences of their unwise choice, it is a challenge not to tell them 'see, I told you so' and go into a lecture of how things would have been different if they had taken my advise.

I must learn to shut up and sit down and drink my tea.

Same same lah... Happily though, the big stuff come later mah... career choices, boyfriends, PSLE... by that time, they have developed SOME judgment so no need worry so much.

With a cup of tea, it's easier to keep mouth shut. Something to occupy the mouth. Otherwise, sure blurt out \"I told you so\". So many times I almost gave in to the temptation. Yup... must have cup of tea handy.

[Chenonceau]

toddles:

thank you thank you. compliment by someone whose parenting style I admire is precious indeed!


sometimes I think this forum (and others) takes me through a lot of reflection and helps me a lot in processing my thoughts as I write them down!

:hi5:

[BeContented]

Funz:

Chenonceau:

My DD commented to her brother one day that Mom is good at watching people dig their own graves. The problem later is that Mom insists that people lie in the graves they dug whilst she sits nearby with a cup of tea.

:rotflmao: :rotflmao:

Cannot help but laugh at the way your DD put it.

Yup, I do let my kids make their own choice on some small inconsequential stuff for now. No guts to gamble with more important stuff.


And when they have to face the consequences of their unwise choice, it is a challenge not to tell them 'see, I told you so' and go into a lecture of how things would have been different if they had taken my advise.

I must learn to shut up and sit down and drink my tea.

Same here :rahrah:
Nothing too serious/dangerous.....let them learn some lesson, good for them

[jtoh]

Chenonceau:

Canvas:

I am sure your children really appreciate your intentions and the freedom of choice making you give them. :celebrate:

Actually... they don't. Choice giving (if you really do it sincerely) is 2-edged. I allow them to choose. I respect their choices. And I DO NOT protect them from the negative consequences of bad choices.

My son once decided on eating a HUGE slice of chocolate cake whilst he was recovering from a sore throat. I respected his choice and ordered NYDC's chocolate Boo-Boo for him alone. We had had a short discussion on the impact of that cake on his recovery but he made a decision and I supported him. He was miserable for 2 weeks more after that slice of cake... and we had to go back to the doctor for another round of antibiotic.

I nursed him and I tended to him but I made it very clear that every choice comes with consequences and that I am not the sort of woman to stand between his decisions and their logical consequences. He was 3 at the time and learnt early to weigh pros and cons of decisions.

When DD was in Sec 3, I commented that she was putting her finger in too many pies. \"You are too ambitious. This is not good for your body because you are not resting enough and your body may not develop properly because you are mistreating it.\" She assured me that she knew her priorities so I respected her choice. She ended up in hospital. It was only when her life was truly in danger did I step in to lock up her laptop and ground her at home for 1 month.

Logical consequences: I learnt this from a friend whose son absolutely wanted a mohawk style haircut. She respected his choice but specified that he was not to cut his hair again till the next monthly visit to the barber. Now, a mohawk cut lasts about 1 week before the hair grows long enough to kind of flop over the sides... then it grows too long for gel... and so her boy went around with a floppy mohawk for some time. Again, minor but logical consequences that teach children to hold back and think before they decide.

My DD commented to her brother one day that Mom is good at watching people dig their own graves. The problem later is that Mom insists that people lie in the graves they dug whilst she sits nearby with a cup of tea.

Nope... my kids aren't always happy that I respect their choices. These days, whenever I say \"Up to you. You decide.\" They will almost always take a step back and ask for counsel from a few other people - teachers, friends, Grandma... before they launch into their heart's desire. They've learnt to look before they leap because I don't protect them from their choices. Sometimes, they will step up close to me and look deep into my face to see if I am keeping back any reservations I might have about their choice. Sometimes, they will ask \"Mom, are you saying you support me because you really think is good, or is it because you want me to learn some lesson.\"

:goodpost: I too have let people around me dig their own grave, but only for those with minor consequences. I dare not let them dig too deep a grave.

[Ms tay]

Hi all ,

After I hv read this thread fr pg1 to pg 11 , my eyes @@
I really enjoy reading it soooooo much as it is so interesting!!!!
俗语说: 有得必有失。For my humble opinion , whatever decision u make or what u do
have their pros n cons . wish all our kids all the best
:goodpost:

[beanbear]

Spending this morning reading the past few posts has given me a lot of food for thought. DH & I are very passionate about imparting the value of choices & consequences. What’s important too is giving age-appropriate choices - that’s the tension. What will be decisions that our children can make on their own free will at a particular age? Having 4 children now (I just delivered baby no 4! and now in confinement), I ask myself, how do I decide what decisions/choices would I allow my children to make at their particular age? Thinking back on my first 3 kids, I realized that giving freedom of choice without awareness/education is like throwing your child to the black hole.


When my kids were in pre-school/toddler, it’s alot of teaching about this connection between choice & consequence from concrete daily egs like touch fire, you get burnt. Disobey certain house rules, you experience punishment. Obey certain rules, you get rewarded. If kids didn’t have this foundation where parents model consistency in executing the link between choice & consequence, it becomes difficult in the primary school years. The idea of choice is really a complex one, - it’s hard enough even for adults to understand truly what it means to exercise one’s personal will and to live with the expected & unintended consequences of one’s actions - hence, we need to also realize that that when we give important decisions to our kids to make, this power of choosing has both intended & unintended consequences. There will be certain decisions that are as predictable as "place your hand on hot stove, you experience pain" and there will be decisions where you do A, and you may predict you get B and then something else which is beyond your knowing. How do we teach our children to be comfortable with ambiguity and taking risks in the face of the unknown? That’s the challenge of parenting.

As a parent, I have a theory of happiness and success and my children "catches" that theory by watching how I lead my life and the choices I make. And then I catch myself, that this theory that worked for me may not necessarily work for my children because they are unique individuals. DS1 & D2 are now more at the "conversation" age and I ask myself, how do I have conversations that help them become more aware of Values that guide their choices and yet help them to understand the idea of living with ambiguity, change, intended & unintended consequences. Yet, the "controller" side of me will hand out a checklist of choices that explicitly teaches my kids about choices I do not ever want them to make for eg smoking, taking drugs, watching pornography, etc. I tell them that there are choices they could make that could end up with them living the consequences for the rest of their life. Not to frighten them, but just stating them as a matter-a-fact. I remembered my mother’s voice - No smoking, No drinking, No gambling. House rules. Till this day, I’ve not touched a single cigarette, drank a bit but never gotten drunk, played mahjong, got alittle addicted found it detrimental to my sanity, gave it up many years ago. Mother’s rules. Made sense.

[vividlaurel]

Spent the last hour reading this and I must admit this is a very interesting topic. My children are in P2 now and this is the right time for me to start seeing truly where they stand and if they ought to be big fish in small pond or small fish in big pond.


However, like all parents, I feel they, especially my DS has loads of potential, but he is so lazy. Hates writing and will look for the easiest way out. I too keep telling them this "Every action has an equal and opposite reaction" to tell them about the consequences of their deeds. But sometimes, it is so difficult to keep quite when you know they are doing wrong. What do you all do in such situations?

[MyMooMoo]

Hi Beanbear,


I have sent you a pm. Hope that you can advise me…

TIA …

[MattsEducation]

Hello folks!

Just some food for thought.. Which would you rather your child be? A big fish in a small pond or a small fish in a big pond?

We just shared our two cents worth at %5Bb%5Dhttp%3A//www.mattseducation.com/blogarchive.php?id=12%5B/b%5D. Let us know what you think..


PS: As always, we thought it'd be interesting to share our thoughts on some hot-button issues in the education sector. No disrespect to anyone


Cheers!
Matt

[3Boys]

Big fish in small pond to begin with, then a small fish in a big pond later on.