Raising Resilient Children

[markfch]

buds:

Yaah you know! :rant: Auntie buds here kena stepped on like a doormat hokay! :frustrated: But i'm not weak.. just waiting for the perfect time to get back... thats all. :wrongmove:

Yeah, he - or is it she in this case - who laughs last, laughs the loudest!

chamonix:

He's gonna be a great philosopher!

Being kind is good.
Being nice is great.
But overly so might not be too wise!

Yalor, since he likes to think so much, maybe next time can go Arts & Social Science and do well there.

deminc:

I would have asked the child what incidents he had observed in school to lead to that conclusion and discussed that. It is not a zero-sum game. He raised a very good point, and it is something worth pursuing and a chance to impart some life values as well as parameters.

That's the difference between a mum (you're a mum right?) playing the role of a mother and a dad trying to play the role of a mother. Guys like me are usually less into details and rushing to get to the point. So I went straight to the point without further explaining my stance.

But after reading the posts here, I went back to talk to ds (casually as I didn't want to put him on his guard) to seek further clarification. Thanks folks!

[markfch]

Strparent:

Your instant comment 'Next time don't be too kind when you grow up, otherwise people will take advantage of you' is rather misleading and inappropriate for yr DS, in my humble opinion ( No offence intended, paiseh). His view of 'nice people are weak' is similar to the old saying 'nice people finish last'. That is not necessarily true. It is all a particular angle of perception. Better to explain the pros and the cons and have a nice discussion to your bright and perceptive DS.

Yes, my \"advice\" was rather ambiguous and whether it's the right advice to give is certainly a moot point. The situation was that ds blurted out that observation of his out of the blue and I just didn't have time to think carefully and react accordingly. So said the first thing that came to my mind.

Strparent:

But I can understand that angle as well. When my DS was in lower primary, he was always helping out, being kind to teachers and students - so in a way, he was 'taken advantage- of sometimes. My sis, his caring aunt, would always say ' why so goon ? do so much for what ? lugi wor. ' etc. However, if you look at it in a bigger picture, what do you lose out on ? time ? effort ?
I had a talk with him, and I sincerely believed him, when he said he dont feel that he was disadvantaged in anyway. He simply wants to help and be nice. It does not bother him much what others think or do. I think as young boys, that should be a good thing, not being calculative, being open minded, having a big heart.

I know what you're saying. On one hand, I want ds to be compassionate as to me, living apathetically is simply pathetic. But on the other, I'm afraid that he becomes so nice that people will take advantage in future, esp. in the workplace.

Chenonceau:

I think it takes strength of character to be kind. This is especially so AFTER you've been hurt. You need to be strong enough to first forgive, and then strong enough to do the kind thing.

I think that truly kind people are very strong people.

But this type of kindness you're talking about takes extraordinary strength. And there are people so nice that they seem to be unable to say 'No'. This, to me, then becomes a weakness. I've seen examples. This type of people usually will get most of the crappy and unappreciated jobs in the workplace.

This is not what I want for ds. However, reading your post again, I'm sure you're not talking about what I've just said above.

[autumnbronze]

Funz:

My sis has time and again told me that DS will be taken advantage of or bullied. She kept saying that he is too soft. When in play, he is always the one giving in to DD an their cousin. In his childcare, whenever the kids move of area to area, you will see most of the kids rushing the be the 1st one to get to the next destination. DS will be the one holding the door open for all to go pass him.


After another incident where DD managed to get her way, I asked DS, it was his turn to choose what they wanted to play and his original choice was not DD's choice so why did he agree to do what DD wanted. His answer to me, \"it's ok, it does not matter to me what we play but it matters to che che so I don't mind letting her choose\".

DS is a rather well behaved boy and will always be getting some kind of small rewards in the classes that he attends. There were times when he gave his reward to his friends because his friend was upset that he/she did not get a reward. His teacher told me once on an outing, he was not picked to answer some questions and thus did not win any mini prizes so, he was a bit disappointed. When the class got back to the centre, a few of his classmates who got to answer the questions offered their little prizes to him. He thanked them but did not accept their offers though. And when the teacher asked the few who volunteered to give up their gifts why they did
that, they said cos DS seem disappointed and when they were disappointed last time, DS cheered them up by giving them his gifts. DS came home from that outing all chirpy and happy. He told me, \"for IS, GX and XW, I will always share everything with them\". I asked him why only these 3, he said \"because they are kind to me after I have been kind to them all these time. The rest, even though I have been kind to them all these time, they still do not care\". I asked him again but when you were kind to them last time, were you expecting anything in return. He frowned and thought about it then told me, no but after the outing incident, he knows now, who are
kind and who are more selfish. He will be extra kind to those who are kind but only a little kind to those who are selfish.

Awwwwwwww Funz, agree with Chen that your DS is such a sweetheart :love: :love: :love:

[markfch]

Hi CNS & LOLMum,


As I've a boy, I'm not that worried about him being molested. Anyway, I think what he said was in the context of the school.

Busymom:

They are still young and therefore definitely need guidance from us for situations that we would have taken for granted since \"we can be 6X older than them\"

Yup, I was 6 times older than ds once. When he was in N1.

Busymom:

Like you, I am also torn sometimes with what values we should teach our children. Have observed our kids do not like to rush/scramble for the pinata candies/treats when other kids are all doing it (as well as in some other situations that requires children to be kiasu a bit, or for example do you allow some children to jump queue in front of you or push you out of the way when you are already standing there), mentioned this once to some friends and the response at that time was, we need to teach our children to be more aggressive at times, otherwise they won't be able to compete in future with the more aggressive foreigners out there, it is the survival of the fittest...

Guess no easy right or wrong answer. :roll:

Checked with ds why he said what he said. His reply was he noticed kind & helpful students in his school being bullied by \"big bullies\". So he thought that they appear weak.

$64K question that I asked, \"So would you want to be a kind person?\"

His answer was, \"I want to be kind, but if a big bully bullies me more than twice, I'll go report to the teacher.\" Oh yah, forget to add, my ds can be quite a complain king. That's his defence mechanism; a good one as I forbid him to retaliate physically if anyone hits him.

[markfch]

Funz:

After another incident where DD managed to get her way, I asked DS, it was his turn to choose what they wanted to play and his original choice was not DD's choice so why did he agree to do what DD wanted. His answer to me, \"it's ok, it does not matter to me what we play but it matters to che che so I don't mind letting her choose\".

I agree with the rest. Your ds is such a darling. So understanding.

Funz:

I asked him again but when you were kind to them last time, were you expecting anything in return. He frowned and thought about it then told me, no but after the outing incident, he knows now, who are kind and who are more selfish. He will be extra kind to those who are kind but only a little kind to those who are selfish.

I think this is the best advice I can give my ds. Thanks for sharing your example.

[autumnbronze]

Markfch :salute: :salute:


You'er truly a wonderful dad. Your DS is really fortunate. It's really admirable that you are willing to take time to reflect and be flexible enough to adapt to the situation/circumstances in the upbringing of your DS. Too many a time, we are so steeped in our own mode of thinking that we fail to see alternative perspectives nor the repercussions ....

[Chenonceau]

markfch:

But this type of kindness you're talking about takes extraordinary strength. And there are people so nice that they seem to be unable to say 'No'. This, to me, then becomes a weakness. I've seen examples. This type of people usually will get most of the crappy and unappreciated jobs in the workplace.

This is not what I want for ds. However, reading your post again, I'm sure you're not talking about what I've just said above.

I wasn't saying anything about what you wanted for your son. :oops: I was just sharing my definition of what is kindness. :oops: This said... I think there is a difference between
(1) being nice because you're afraid to speak up, or
(2) being kind because that is the right thing to do
(3) being kind because it makes you feel good.

It's Number 2 that requires a lotta strength of character. I say this from personal experience. Time and again I have kicked myself for being unkind because
(1) I was too weak to control my anger
(2) I was too afraid to reach out and care
(3) I was tired and didn't feel like it

To some, kindness comes easy... like Funz' son. Me, I have to make an effort. It has nothing to do with you and your son. You're a man. It is your duty to teach your son to be courageous enough so that he won't be anyone's doormat. So good for ya!!

[markfch]

autumnbronze:

Markfch,


You'er truly a wonderful dad. Your DS is really fortunate. It's really admirable that you are willing to take time to reflect and be flexible enough to adapt to the situation/circumstances in the upbringing of your DS. Too many a time, we are so steeped in our own mode of thinking that we fail to see alternative perspectives nor the repercussions ....

Hey, I only got one child. And my window of opportunity is ticking away.

As I recalled, I stopped listening - as in really listening - to my parents sometime in P4. So better make the best use of this period while I still can.

[Funz]

markfch:

Hi CNS & LOLMum,


As I've a boy, I'm not that worried about him being molested. Anyway, I think what he said was in the context of the school.

You may want to rethink that. Have you not read in the news about young boys being molested by their swimming coach or tutors or for that matter strangers in the men's toilet.

That is why until today, I do not allow DS to go to the gents on his own.

[jedamum]

markfch:

As I recalled, I stopped listening - as in really listening - to my parents sometime in P4. So better make the best use of this period while I still can.

:yikes: :yikes: :yikes:
:faint: