Raising Resilient Children
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Funz:
Yeah! Me too!!
You may want to rethink that. Have you not read in the news about young boys being molested by their swimming coach or tutors or for that matter strangers in the men's toilet.markfch:
Hi CNS & LOLMum,
As I've a boy, I'm not that worried about him being molested. Anyway, I think what he said was in the context of the school.
That is why until today, I do not allow DS to go to the gents on his own. -
Apologies, markfch, I’m gonna borrow your thread for a while.
Just as I was relating how DS makes parenting him rather easy, DD who all the while makes parenting her a roller coaster ride, gave me another thing to mull over.
DD who is in P2 now has been having friendship woes. This has been happening since she started primary school. I think I have mentioned in one of the threads about how kids handle bullies that DD’s method was to try to be friends with this girl (lets call her L) who happens to be rather mean to her. Throughout last year and this year, I keep hearing her talk about L. How they are friends and how L scolded her or excluded her from her circle and how she instigated others to exclude DD and then the following day, L declared that she wants DD to be her friend again.
This evening, DD greeted me with a sad face saying L again excluded her from her circle of friends. After dinner I saw her writing something and asked what was she doing. She said she was writing a letter to L. Asked her what was she writing to L about. DD said she was writing to tell L sorry and if they can be friends again.
OK. That did not sit well with me. I asked DD if she did or said something the resulted in L not wanting to be her friend. DD said no. One moment, L was getting people to join her game, next moment she decided too many people and told DD she is no longer in the group. So I ask DD then why was she apologising if she did not do anything wrong. DD shrugged.
Looking at DD so lost and hurt, mama bear reared her head. I basically told DD not to try so hard to get L to be her friend. Told her L is not a good friend for her since she blows hot and cold towards DD all the time. Told DD there is no need to apologise since she has not done anything wrong and not to ask L to be friends with her as DD was not the one to exclude L. If L wants to be friends, let L be the one to come to her. DD has done enough. DD of course protested saying she really wants to be L’s friend. I asked her why, she said she just wants to. I told DD the she should spend her time writing thank you notes to those who have been good friends to her instead of wasting her time writing an apology for something she has not done to someone who will not appreciate her friendship.
The thing that got me thinking and kinda worried is, DD seem to gravitate towards girls like L. It seems to me, the more someone is mean to her or ignores her, the more DD seems to want to win them over. In her quest to get these people to ‘like’ her, she overlooks those who are genuinely nice and decent to her. L is not the only example, there is also a girl from her school bus who treats her like that and she is upset that the girl does not regard her as a friend. I shudder to think, if she continues this trend, what kind of BF or spouse she will choose. Ok getting ahead of myself here.
Any insight or advise? -
Funz:
You're more than welcome, Funz.Apologies, markfch, I'm gonna borrow your thread for a while.
I'm also very interested to hear what the rest make of your dd's situation.
jedamum,
Yah, at P4 I sort of decided that my parents were talking rubbish and realised that I can get away thinking like this by nodding my head and pretending to listen. But let's not indulge in 伤心事 of the past. :slapshead:
I am expecting karma - though I'm not Buddhist - to hit me sooner or later. Since ds is way smarter than I was at the same age, it should be sooner.Chenonceau:
You two are scaring me. I've been letting ds go public toilet on his own since K1, while I sit comfortably in the restaurant.
Yeah! Me too!!Funz:
You may want to rethink that. Have you not read in the news about young boys being molested by their swimming coach or tutors or for that matter strangers in the men's toilet.
That is why until today, I do not allow DS to go to the gents on his own.
Part of my self-concocted 'independence\" training routine.
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Mark, while it’s good to train independence, sometimes their size is an issue as they are easily towered by an adult. So perhaps training him to know how to wrestle himself out of a situation physically is also required together with the independence training. Also different children have different level of alertness of the mind. If your ds is alert and physically agile sort, then you will have lesser worries.
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My DH is more paranoid about our boys going to toilet alone than I am. We do tell them to be wary of molest, we do tell them to call for help and to hit the crotch to get away…hahaha. They are drilled since young that if any adults try to grab them, they can bite and hit without reservations. Still remember the poor little boy who was molested in public toilet and cried until another man suspected something and signalled to him from under the divider to get out of the cubicle (molester followed him into the cubicle).
Funz,
have you talked to the class teacher? I will talk to the teacher to have a better idea of what is going on. If the situation persists, I will ask the teacher to separate them - switch groups or switch class. She may feel compelled to be friends with the girl because it is better to be friends than enemies, esp if the other party has a very strong personality. I will also do role-play with her on how to handle various situations with the girl, and suggest ways for her to build and win friendships with other children.
One of my neighbours is having the same situation with her teenaged daughter. She said on one hand it is hard to watch her daughter go through this, on the other hand, sometimes kids just have to learn the hard way and she rather her daughter learn the lesson now than when she is a young adult with more to lose. I think she has a valid point, so I do not think you are getting ahead of yourself with the BF/spouse question. It is an important point. For me I will go one step further to intervene and shape my child’s response IF I can. If I can’t I will remove the child from the situation for a time so that he/she can have a fresh perspective. -
Funz, another thing that I may consider is to increase her sense of emotional independence and give her practise in initiating activities rather than going with the flow or following. (excuse me if this is not like her, I am just postulating). I may start with getting her to initiate games among friends in the neighbourhood or among cousins, planning and hosting a small party at home under parental supervision, getting her to suggest activities to do over the weekend.
For role playing, I will get her to be the other girl and I take her place for the first few rounds, modelling different responses from indignation to mostly nonchalance. After she gets the idea, we will reverse role. I may also provide her with extra enticing objects to bring to school to take out during recess to "attract" classmates around her - just to build confidence.
I will also make an effort to show my face at school events, and make it a point to see the other girl. I have done this many times with ds1, especially when he was having school bus troubles. I will identify the kids by name - both those who help him, and those that make life miserable for him. I give small tokens of appreciation to those who help him. It makes a difference to how other (older) kids treat him. -
Funz:
This reminds me of the story of one of the girls in \"Joy Luck Club\" which I watched eons ago.Apologies, markfch, I'm gonna borrow your thread for a while.
Just as I was relating how DS makes parenting him rather easy, DD who all the while makes parenting her a roller coaster ride, gave me another thing to mull over.
DD who is in P2 now has been having friendship woes. This has been happening since she started primary school. I think I have mentioned in one of the threads about how kids handle bullies that DD's method was to try to be friends with this girl (lets call her L) who happens to be rather mean to her. Throughout last year and this year, I keep hearing her talk about L. How they are friends and how L scolded her or excluded her from her circle and how she instigated others to exclude DD and then the following day, L declared that she wants DD to be her friend again.
This evening, DD greeted me with a sad face saying L again excluded her from her circle of friends. After dinner I saw her writing something and asked what was she doing. She said she was writing a letter to L. Asked her what was she writing to L about. DD said she was writing to tell L sorry and if they can be friends again.
OK. That did not sit well with me. I asked DD if she did or said something the resulted in L not wanting to be her friend. DD said no. One moment, L was getting people to join her game, next moment she decided too many people and told DD she is no longer in the group. So I ask DD then why was she apologising if she did not do anything wrong. DD shrugged.
Looking at DD so lost and hurt, mama bear reared her head. I basically told DD not to try so hard to get L to be her friend. Told her L is not a good friend for her since she blows hot and cold towards DD all the time. Told DD there is no need to apologise since she has not done anything wrong and not to ask L to be friends with her as DD was not the one to exclude L. If L wants to be friends, let L be the one to come to her. DD has done enough. DD of course protested saying she really wants to be L's friend. I asked her why, she said she just wants to. I told DD the she should spend her time writing thank you notes to those who have been good friends to her instead of wasting her time writing an apology for something she has not done to someone who will not appreciate her friendship.
The thing that got me thinking and kinda worried is, DD seem to gravitate towards girls like L. It seems to me, the more someone is mean to her or ignores her, the more DD seems to want to win them over. In her quest to get these people to 'like' her, she overlooks those who are genuinely nice and decent to her. L is not the only example, there is also a girl from her school bus who treats her like that and she is upset that the girl does not regard her as a friend. I shudder to think, if she continues this trend, what kind of BF or spouse she will choose. Ok getting ahead of myself here.
Any insight or advise?
She was on the verge of divorce....but what gravitated her towards that? It was a sense of lack of self-worth.
When she met her husband, she was a confident lady and over the years of loving him and pandering to his needs, she had receded herself into a position of low self-worth. This was dramatically different from the woman he had married. Even simple things like what to have for dinner, she could spend time deliberating on it and tried to please her husband so hard by compromising. What her husband saw was not a \"supportive\" wife for his career, instead he saw a woman lack in opinions standing in front of him. Even at the point of divorce, she was behaving so weakly and was willing to give in everything to him including the custody of the children(if I recall rightly) to him. In the nick of time, her fiesty mum (fiesty lady since a child due to the harsh realities she had to face when young) decided to knock some senses into her about self-worth. She questioned her daughter on her way of loving her husband and losing herself. This woke her up finally and she found herself again. Sitting in the rain on a bench outside the house, waiting for her husband to discuss the terms for the divorce, her husband was surprised to find her there. What brought on even more surprises for him was when she mustered up the courage to tell him off what a jerk he was to have an affair and that he was undeserving of her and the family. And guess what? That conversation of strength saved the marriage....her husband was happy to see the confident woman he once knew and divorce was off the plan. He found the love for her again......
So I see the message of self-worth very important in every child. Every child has to believe that he/she has something everyone would love if they could see it. So the message to your dd is she has alot of things in her that unfortunately her blinded friends could not see at the moment and it is their losses at this point if they choose not to be her friend. If she has already done her part in being a friend, there is no need to bend backwards to the extent of hurting herself. Instead, she could use her goodness to benefit other children and this will definitely bring her alot of joy and when she is very joyful about her new friends, these blinded friends may start to want to come to her. Then if she needs methods on how to go about it when consulted, share with her but first she has to understand her beautiful inner self that can do magic for her.
Sometimes we are so happy with our children we forget to tell them why we are so happy with them. So from time to time, it is good to reinforce in them what we feel they have contributed to the family and people around them so that they understand their own value in others' lives..remind them of the meaning they make in all the interlinking relationships.....these contributions should point to their actions and attitudes and not the physical attributes that they are born with.
Not to mention about children being lost in the daily happenings during their journey towards maturity, we as adults can also be lost in this maze of human interaction. So I hope your dd can walk out of this maze soon and make the blinded friends realise their mistakes at the same time.
Funz, I hope I have not offended you by sharing the message of lack of self-worth. -
Funz... I've never met exactly this situation before so I'm just throwing up a patchwork of ideas stitched from similar situations... but well, you just refer and then make up your own mind eh?
I'm looking at the situation from 3 angles...
(1) Addiction
(2) Pain relief (your DD feels emotional pain)
(3) Cure (developing antibodies against this L pathogen)
(1) Addiction
If you visualize DD's \"I don't know why but I want to\" as an addiction to L, then her willingness to apologise becomes easier to understand. L's random blowing hot and cold works on the principle of Random Intermittent Variable Reinforcement (RIVR). RIVR is the reason why gambling addictions happen. Sometimes you win BIG. Sometimes you lose. And there is no way to predict when... so you keep on trying to WIN... even when you know you net-net that will lose, you still keep trying... until you get very very hurt.
If you're dealing with substance addiction, you go Cold Turkey. Prevent all contact with the substance and let the body go through withdrawal. If you're dealing with a psychological addiction, Cold Turkey won't help. The memory of the sheer bliss of winning a round in a casino... or of being made much of by L... will not go away. The next chance she gets, your DD will go indulge herself in L's approval. Worse, when she meets another L in life, she will repeat this addiction, and your worst fears may come true... your DD only bonds with emotionally abusive people.
(2) Pain Relief
Your DD is in pain. She experiences L withdrawal symptoms and it is painful. She is trying to alleviate her pain in the only way she knows how... by apologising for nothing.
Mommy can intervene by providing other methods of pain relief such as...
(a) listening to her pain. When DS was bullied in P3, I made it a point to ask him about the bully EVERY DAY. Merely talking through the issue gave him pain relief and courage to face hell the next day. I didn't talk to the Teacher to remove the bully because I considered it a Teachable Moment. I wanted my son to LEARN the emotional control required to deal with bullies. Don't be afraid. Don't get mad. Use your head. I did not move to remove the bully but I provided all the emotional support I could to see him through his ordeal.
(b) planning enjoyable activities to take her mind off the issue
(c) assuring her that the whole world might be against her but Mommy will always be there.
(3) Cure
(a) Encourage her to form other friendships (at church... at CCA). The more other friends she has, the less dependent she will be on L because at present, it seems that L controls her access to other friends too. But this control cannot be 100%. I am sure you will find ways to engineer friendships for your DD despite L.
Some things I have done was to allow my son to bring things to school that had WOW factor. For a while, he was the class' sole supplier of caterpillars for rearing into butterflies. Even the bully had to kowtow to my DS to get his fix of caterpillar. Then it is you and your DD's turn to use RIVR on L. Sometimes you give, sometimes you don't. But even if L doesn't like that thing, it is enough that other people do... the others' enthousiasm will temper L's insidious influence. Also, my son is good at Science, he allows other people to copy his homework.
My DD used to pack extra pencil boxes during exam periods to lend people who had forgotten to bring. When I made tonic soup for my DD for her 'A' levels, she requested a bowl for her ASEAN scholar classmate who lived at hostel and had no Mommy to brew soup. In this way, DD dispenses favours everywhere she goes. Because DD is the way she is, she has NEVER EVER been bullied. When she was a toddler at the playground, all she had to do was cry and her \"gang\" would come crowding around and send the hapless bully packing.
Having many friends is an insurance against any sort of bullying so whilst parents normally sit back and allow friendships to take a natural course, in cases of bullying.... one might wanna intervene actively to build quick friendships (play dates... shopping... whatever works for your DD's classmates). Pick one or two girls most suitable to be best friends and cultivate them.
(b) You can start a private smear campaign against L in front of your DD. Find nasty things to say that will make your DD see how ridiculous, silly, petty... etc... Contrast what L is doing against the set of values you wanna teach your kids. Many years ago, we lived in a lovely HDB flat. DD's friends ALL lived in condos or landed. One child dissed our family's living arrangements and my DD was very hurt. I took the opportunity to point out the gap between the girl's values and ours... and I repeated it often enough in different ways that my DD learnt the value of frugality and was also instigated to conclude that friends who like you for your house, are not friends worth having. Out of nowhere I can suddenly start to grumble about this girl. I make it very clear that such behaviour is despicable. Whilst normally I am circumspect about others and not willing to badmouth people, I do so in this case because I want my kids to know that WE WILL NOT condone such values and I view with CONTEMPT such people inasmuch as they are contemptuous of my HDB flat. The words I used were deliberately strong to send a message and to provide a sharp contrast the \"cool factor\" that these people with a lotta money seem to have. Believe me... I made sure the contrast was very intense in order to break the addiction.
In the end, the girl became less important than the Teachable Value.
I have criticised in AWFUL terms some of the children who have hurt mine... so that my kids know that such friends are not worth having. Of course, the smear campaign stays within the family. The aim is not to hurt the girl but to break my DD's addiction and to teach the values I hold dear.
What I then realized was that my virulent PRIVATE smear campaign comforted my children. My kids realized that I am always FOR them... they also realized that there is no such thing as an idol. Better still, these unpleasant children (whom I smeared with every literary skill I possessed) became (justly or not) the embodiment of all the values our family rejects. They were a concrete representation of what NOT to be... and so these unpleasant children became a vehicle for teaching values.
Till today, there is one girl I am STILL badmouthing. The one who plagiarized my DD's work word for word. DD has long forgiven her and whilst I praise DD for forgiving, I am still grumbling about the gross lack of ethics blah blah blah that J demonstrated. By so doing, even my son learnt academic integrity. He takes the trouble to write up a reference list for projects and will always edit anything he has taken off the internet so that it isn't word for word copying. And he did it even without being told to do so.
However, I am very careful to tell my kids that they should still try to stay friends with such unpleasant people. Just because Mommy dislikes them doesn't mean that they should. I communicate that I can't help disliking such people but if my kids find it in themselves to forgive then they are better people than I am. I have thus taken the sins of my children upon my shoulders and in view of my sharp dislike my kids can afford to be magnanimous and kind. Gee... I hope this part makes sense!! In a way, by expressing in words the feelings my kids feel but dunno how to say, I let the poison out of their souls and my kids can stay well-balanced and kind.
(c) Turn her towards God. I only write this because I know Funz and I share the same religion. It is a good moment to deepen her relationship with God. Unlike L, God is never abusive, unkind nor faithless. As God's strength infuses her, she will become addicted to His pure living waters of emotional and spiritual sustenance... and know that the emotional food L provides is of very poor quality indeed.
Hope something in here helps!! -
Hi Chenoneau,
it’s always interesting to read your postings…thanks for all the tips.
Funz,
my P4 DD had a similar problem when she transferred school this year. One classmate was hot & cold to her…sometimes even blatantly ignored DD when she greet her face-to-face. Also went round to badmouth DD (which I dun understand why)
DD was rather upset & affected…all I could do was to advice her to keep her distance, dun try to be extra nice or ‘bow’ if she didn’t do anything wrong…quite peaceful for a while.
Later, DD came out with some good ideas & suddenly that gal started being nice and invited her to join her group for a project. DD was elated & turned down another group. I didn’t object then, thinking it’s a chance to make-friends. That was seriously a wrong move… in the end, that gal back to her old-self and even instigated the team members to exclude DD’s name during project submission claiming she didn’t contribute (just cos’ DD was asked by teacher to help out and joined the team late by ~15mins twice out of 4 meetings). Had wanted to approach the teacher but another mommy (with child in same team) who was also unhappy with that gal tried to instigate me to ‘confront’ that gal & the mother instead. Eventually I didn’t do anything since not a core subject, I dun want to stir-shit too. But accordingly to that mommy, she claimed she told the gal off (using ME as excuse saying I will be complaining to teacher, anyway…)
So I did what Chenoneau had done, I tried to analysze and explain to DD and try to teach her the right values (in the course, a little badmouth lah…which I felt a little bad). And of course, told DD to keep her distance and NEVER never accept another invitation from that gal. It’s end of the year now, DD is now definitely a happier gal as she has made other friends…that GAL, still the same nasty gal…but what the heck, I (I mean DD) dun need such ‘friends’. -
Funz,
My ds had similar problem too, though he didn't go to the extreme of writing \"sorry\" letters for things he didn't do, just to win favour. He was in this student care and was ostracised by this older boy (let's call him M) very early on. M is apparently quite charismatic. M bans others from playing with ds. Sadly for ds, many followed.
Now ds is less than perfect. This I know. He's that type who can remain aloof if he perceives that he's not being welcome; and his sense of perception is very strong. So he ended up playing with a couple other friends or alone if they're not around. Then one day, the student care admin told me straight-in-my-face that ds doesn't know how to socialise. In her own words, she said, \"Your son is not street smart, I don't know how to help him.\" Boy, that still hurts till today. :frustrated:
Now, I totally disagree with her judgement. Yes ds is sensitive and can be quite bossy at times, but he mixes reasonably well with other groups of friends, in different settings. I was quite upset but kept quiet, though my face must have shown it as the admin quickly try to praise ds to smooth things over.
Anyway, that did it, and we switched student care the following month. So I took deminic's approach to remove the obstacle. DS is much happier now in the new place. As a parent, I can sense it and it comforts me.
DS has his own clique to play with, without anybody ostracising him. Surprisingly, M followed ds to the new ctr later. :yikes: Fortunately, ds has some \"old\" friends (since infant care) to form his base in the new place. Think this is under Chen's Cure 3a - forming new friendship. So whatever influence M has over ds diminished. Secondly, ds matured very quickly over a period of one yr. So he's now able to cope playing with M without all the negative vibes. Apparently, M also became a much more approachable boy in the new place, though sometimes \"he still tell lies\" according to ds, haha.
Parenting is such a fine skill nowadays. Luckily I'm enjoying it.
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