Am I a Bad Mommy?
-
chamonix:
Insider, I think it is true that Singaporeans, not just the moms are a lot softer. The dads are soft, so are the children. One of my friends calls it the curse of affluence. We have maids to run after us, convenient and cheap cabs, and also enrichment classes everywhere. So good that we become soft.
Perhaps it's a matter of choice?insider:
So generally speaking, Singapore women are more 'strawberry' type and we are breeding more 'strawberries'.
Why do we lose those strengths and 'logical' wisdoms that most of our mothers used to have????
We managed to get by without a confinement nanny (only weekend help from my parents) for my first child. He's now 8 years old and still we are without any form of help, in or outside of Singapore. Both my children learned to prepare their breakfast (bread with butter or jam) from young. In fact, my ds prepares warm milk and breakfast for himself and his sister everyday. He helps vacuum the floor, clean the toilet etc... Even my 6 years old learns to pack the books, her shelves and table etc. And she wants to learn to wash the dishes. For myself, cooking has never been my cup of tea but I have learned to cook a variety of stuff like Or Luak, stewed beef/duck, roast pork, sweet & sour pork and so forth... Life is definitely not impossible without external help.
While I do not see enrichment classes as a need for my kids, I do feel a little bad for 'depriving' them of those classes. (Difficult not to feel so when the smart ones in Sg are also attending various forms of enrichments). We are out of Singapore most of the time, so my kids will have to depend very much on themselves to catch up on Singapore School's syllabus. At times, I wonder if I have been a bad mommy for taking them out from Sg rat race for a stress free childhood. We enjoy our stay here greatly, so much that my kids hardly know what/who stress is. They can literally chat and spin stories all day long, if not reading their storybooks. While reading the thread 'Are you satisfied with your child's results', I realised my kids would have a steep learning curve upon their return to Sg... It's not the results I worry, but the handling of school work, friends, teachers, exam stress, long hours of school etc. They wouldn't have to face this problem if I had not chosen to take them away. At times like this, I do feel kinda of lousy.
The situation in Singapore looks really quite grim from my point of view. We complain about foreigners affecting our social fibre, yet they are in many of our homes, simply because we cannot pick up a broom to sweep, or learn to cook a simple meal. We want our kids to get scholarships and go overseas to study, yet we fail to prepare them life skills, even sewing a button or cooking Maggie noodles, skills we know are vital to survive overseas. We want our kids to be great athletes, yet they cannot even carry their own bags, or pack their own things. We want our children to be thought leaders and great scholars, yet they are not empowered to plan or decide the kind of academic help/classes they need. Only odd balls don't go for tuition/enrichment these days.
You know, it is much easier to fork out a few hundred dollars a month and get external help, than to spend time to explain and teach our children what they need to know. It is easier to put their shoes on, than to teach them to put on their shoes, easier to get the maid to cook, then to prepare the ingredients, explain each one, and then teach them to use each appropriately. Easier to throw out the shirt with a missing button, then to take a trip down to Chinatown, find the right button together and teach them how to stitch it back. Easier to spend less than $100 on a nice dress, then to spend weeks teaching a daughter how to pick the right cloth, cut out a pattern, find all the materials and then sew one together after a few failed attempts. Yes, Singaporeans have become soft.
If we as parents/mothers do not stand up and 'harden' our kids, our Singaporean kids will inevitably face an invasion of a different kind. The Chinese and Indian scholars, the Vietnamese programmers, the Filipino marketeers, they are hungry and incredibly bright. They will come and takeover the best jobs, and buy the best properties. What will be left of our kids? They will be too soft to fight, trained in schools to not question but be happy with status quo anyway. I shudder to think that in another generation, the private land owners will be first generation Singaporeans (already starting to happen). Those of us whose forefathers laboured and fought here, will be subservant to the new migrants.
Therefore, I think taking time off from the rat race is great! I've never really wanted to be in it, but was constantly pressured into it by teachers and principals. So being out of the country gives us the break and thinking time we need.
Having said all that, if we plan to go back one day, there is a need to prepare for that. Like Chen whose children spent 1-2 hours studying while overseas, I do the same, and I use the Singapore syllabus, minus the strange and overly strict marking style, minus the long school hours, minus the unnecessary competition, minus the teachers' own personal and professional issues. My 8-year-old goes back to school every 3 months now. He is able to cope with every subject, and last week when he was in Singapore, he was even given an award during honors day; a little gold coin he thought he could polish. So, yes, it is possible to educate your own child overseas with just 1-2 hours a day, and he/she can still cope when he/she comes back. I think the best example is Chen, her kids cope really well when they got back.
It is not a lousy mom not to send a child to enrichment classes, or to deprive a kid of a rat race. It takes energy, drive, planning and a lot of patience to teach a 5 year old to prepare his own breakfast or vacuum the floor! Most of our Singaporean kids are too comfortable, spoilt or busy to do those 'trivial' but vital things. They have to study. For that, Chamonix, I :salute: -
2ppaamm:
You can't be a thought leader if you think like everyone else and to think REALISTICALLY. Thought leaders push the envelope of POSSIBILITY and breach the boundaries of IMPOSSIBILITY. Our children's CREATIVE writing efforts are penalized for lack of realism. :?
We want our children to be thought leaders and great scholars, yet they are not empowered to plan or decide the kind of academic help/classes they need. Only odd balls don't go for tuition/enrichment these days.
I've quite given up on PSLE writing. I'll teach DS to score well in PSLE but I make sure that I also teach him good writing.2ppaamm:
Yes... we're odd... but I have paid a heavy price for it.Only odd balls don't go for tuition/enrichment these days.
2ppaamm:
A few times a year, I will receive interesting job offers and project invitations. Last year, I could not accept any because I insisted on teaching DS myself. This can be very frustrating for me too. I haven't quite come to terms with the personal price I have had to pay to educate my kids.You know, it is much easier to fork out a few hundred dollars a month and get external help, than to spend time to explain and teach our children what they need to know.
2ppaamm:
This is an excellent point.If we as parents/mothers do not stand up and 'harden' our kids, our Singaporean kids will inevitably face an invasion of a different kind. The Chinese and Indian scholars, the Vietnamese programmers, the Filipino marketeers, they are hungry and incredibly bright. They will come and takeover the best jobs, and buy the best properties. What will be left of our kids? They will be too soft to fight, trained in schools to not question but be happy with status quo anyway.
2ppaamm:
Without the competition and the strange marking rubrics, my kids enjoyed learning. It was completely student-centric. They chose what they wanted to learn and I nudged them gently in this and that direction to cover the syllabus. Home learning with a good teacher is very intense. In 2 hours, you can cover about 1 week's worth of work in 1 subject.Having said all that, if we plan to go back one day, there is a need to prepare for that. Like Chen whose children spent 1-2 hours studying while overseas, I do the same, and I use the Singapore syllabus, minus the strange and overly strict marking style, minus the long school hours, minus the unnecessary competition, minus the teachers' own personal and professional issues.My 8-year-old goes back to school every 3 months now. He is able to cope with every subject, and last week when he was in Singapore, he was even given an award during honors day; a little gold coin he thought he could polish.
It was also in searching for swan's nests and following a line of ducklings that my DS developed a love for nature. Thereafter, a large part of the PSLE syllabus was a breeze.2ppaamm:
Not just possible. It's easy and fun. The kids have fun too. My 3 year old didn't feel that he suffered even though I put him in his high chair and made him wash his own milk bottles... or mop up the mess he made on the patio when he fed himself.So, yes, it is possible to educate your own child overseas with just 1-2 hours a day, and he/she can still cope when he/she comes back. I think the best example is Chen, her kids cope really well when they got back.
2ppaamm:
Unfortunately, the cost to the Mommy is high. I sometimes feel like I have sacrificed my life to the altar of my family. The financial costs are high too because I earn so much less than before. In some families, I think Mommies WANT to be more involved in their kids' lives but they have to work full-time.It is not a lousy mom not to send a child to enrichment classes, or to deprive a kid of a rat race. It takes energy, drive, planning and a lot of patience to teach a 5 year old to prepare his own breakfast or vacuum the floor!
-
Chamonix, 2ppaamm,
I am encouraged by your sharing. Our family will be going away for a bit next year, and I have been getting all nervous about DS1 missing P2 and P3 and DS2 missing kindergarten (so won’t be prepared for P1 - that thread really freaks me out). But I think it’ll be a great time of bonding, and allowing our boys to learn about the world. I should be able to manage teaching them the Singapore syllabus!
But what I’m also scared about is how lonely I’ll feel, and whether I can cope with my three boys. In my previous overseas stint, I only had one boy, and I had friends, and he had friends. But I was often stressed out and lonely in the first 3-6 months. Ended up grumpy and mean to my son. It was better after awhile and we thoroughly enjoyed it. But my son was only a toddler then, so no need to worry about spending time teaching. General housework etc. will be ok, coz I don’t have a maid now anyway, though the grandparents come over regularly to allow me a ‘break’ from the kids! But now with two older ones who need teaching, and a baby who needs minding, I don’t know if I can cope with the loneliness and stress and become a bad mummy. -
MummyThreeStreams, actually, I am not the only one I know whose kids did better after coming back from overseas (where they were homeschooled). Another Mommy I know had BOTH girls go into RGS after they came home.
I'm not sure why it happens. Maybe because there is less structured learning, and also the emotional richness of family life.
We lived next to the library and if the Science syllabus said \"reproduction\"... anything that was vaguely reproductive got put into the library bag... and we didn't look at the Singapore textbooks at all. If my DD had reached a certain reading level, I just moved her up to the next. I followed her more than I followed the syllabus. Maybe if we had followed the textbooks, my kids would have failed when they returned. :rotflmao: :rotflmao: -
2ppaamm:
I don't think it's just affluence. It's also the idea that studying comes before ANYTHING ELSE. That includes household chores, basic life skills etc. It is the idea that as long as the kids do well in school, they will be set for life. If they are set for life, the \"hardship\" of life can be outsourced to maids, drivers, laundromats, restaurants etc etc. Many parents prefer their children to NOT help out with the household chores so that they have more time to study. Besides, parents still tell their kids that if they don't do well, they will have to work as road-sweepers and toilet cleaners -- so how to tell them to clean the toilets at home?? Even in cases where the family is struggling financially, the priorities are still on the children's education - no part time work for them, laptops and mobile phone plans are still considered necessities.Insider, I think it is true that Singaporeans, not just the moms are a lot softer. The dads are soft, so are the children. One of my friends calls it the curse of affluence. We have maids to run after us, convenient and cheap cabs, and also enrichment classes everywhere. So good that we become soft.
The flip side of course is that the same message tells the children that if you fail in your studies, you fail in life. No matter what else you may be good at.
There is also the problem of work-life balance and family finances. Many parents do not have the luxury of flexible working hours or a sufficient single income that may allow them to coach their children, especially when teachers don't really teach everything. Maid is an easily available way out, and tuition helps when the parents can't. For some, it really is somewhat of a catch-22. -
Chenonceau:
Thanks Chen, for affirming what I said is true about teaching your kids yourself overseas. Certainly, it is a lot more fun than school in Singapore, and a lot quicker. In fact, it is not an exaggeration to say that we can teach our own kids 10 times faster than the school teachers, as they deal with scolding, moving from class to class, behavior of this child and that child, which all add up!
Unfortunately, the cost to the Mommy is high. I sometimes feel like I have sacrificed my life to the altar of my family. The financial costs are high too because I earn so much less than before. In some families, I think Mommies WANT to be more involved in their kids' lives but they have to work full-time.
Of course, one thing I do make sure we do is to look into the social needs of the kids, especially since my homeschooled kids are 11 and 8. I bring them for swimming classes 3 times a week, and then tennis classes. Made sure they mix with children about their own ages. This is where I get to sit and chat with mothers, fathers and coaches as well. I also join a local church, with mostly Asians, the pastor and church members are fantastic. They help my children and me, and make sure we settle in well.
I also agree the cost of motherhood is high. I have also given up a career. I was just looking into my pay slip last week and saddened that my pay has dropped to a small fraction of what I earned a decade ago. Sad, but I always believe this is a temporary thingy. Give it another few years, when my duty as a mother is done, I can 'fly' as a career/business person once again.
And, I've always believed this happened for a good reason, I am perhaps being prepared for something greater. :xedfingers:
I'm sure mothers will know we are made for something better. Just that we have to slow down a little during this time of our family lives to fulfill a greater duty. Ultimately, there will be no regret. -
2ppaamm:
Thank you... you just brightened up my day. I woke up this morning feeling a bit sorry for myself. It's one of those days. And yes... I do look forwards to going back to working and achieving for myself, not just help others achieve.
I also agree the cost of motherhood is high. I have also given up a career. I was just looking into my pay slip last week and saddened that my pay has dropped to a small fraction of what I earned a decade ago. Sad, but I always believe this is a temporary thingy. Give it another few years, when my duty as a mother is done, I can 'fly' as a career/business person once again. And, I've always believed this happened for a good reason, I am perhaps being prepared for something greater. :xedfingers: -
ammonite:
Er... if my children do not clean their own toilets, they will have to live with their own s***t until they do :imconstipated: . To brush the toilet for 2 minutes won't affect their results, to wipe up the sink after using doesn't take a minute, to fold the blankets and iron your own clothes take up max 10 minutes. To cook dinner/lunch, takes 30 minutes these days for the girls. And while I do not hope that my children end up as road sweepers and toilet cleaners as careers, I do not tell them that, and prefer that they show graciousness and respect to folks who have to do these jobs.
I don't think it's just affluence. It's also the idea that studying comes before ANYTHING ELSE. That includes household chores, basic life skills etc. It is the idea that as long as the kids do well in school, they will be set for life. If they are set for life, the \"hardship\" of life can be outsourced to maids, drivers, laundromats, restaurants etc etc. Many parents prefer their children to NOT help out with the household chores so that they have more time to study. Besides, parents still tell their kids that if they don't do well, they will have to work as road-sweepers and toilet cleaners -- so how to tell them to clean the toilets at home?? Even in cases where the family is struggling financially, the priorities are still on the children's education - no part time work for them, laptops and mobile phone plans are still considered necessities.
The flip side of course is that the same message tells the children that if you fail in your studies, you fail in life. No matter what else you may be good at.
There is also the problem of work-life balance and family finances. Many parents do not have the luxury of flexible working hours or a sufficient single income that may allow them to coach their children, especially when teachers don't really teach everything. Maid is an easily available way out, and tuition helps when the parents can't. For some, it really is somewhat of a catch-22.
Come to think of it, if a student/child can come to me and innovate a new way to sweep the road (like using robots) and invent a toilet that cleans itself, then I think I would have become a successful teacher. Chinese saying, 三百六十行，行行出状元, has some truths in it. I have a student who did turn his father's garang guni business into a huge recycling company. So we Singaporeans should learn that study is very important, but not the only thing to do, at least not at the expense of other things.
Funny, often it is the ones from the poorer family who tend to do better in life if given an education. Perhaps it is because they need to juggle a lot more things than their richer peers. But when the poor family takes away that 'privilege' and start to spoil the kids by shielding them from everything else except studies, then will the kids start to think that they are immune from hardship and take things for granted? What advantage does that poor kid have from his richer friends? -
2ppaamm:
Ohhhhh! This reminds me of the time I tore up paper into bits and scattered them all over the room and then made my DS pick them up one by one. I needed some time to spend with DD and it was a good way to get him outta our hair.
Come to think of it, if a student/child can come to me and innovate a new way to sweep the road (like using robots) and invent a toilet that cleans itself, then I think I would have become a successful teacher. Chinese saying, 三百六十行，行行出状元, has some truths in it. I have a student who did turn his father's garang guni business into a huge recycling company.
He did that twice and I had 30 minutes of peace each time. The 3rd time, he came back after 5 minutes. He had, it turned out, figured out the use of the broom and the dust pan. :rotflmao: :rotflmao: -
insider:
You know, your story about Pang is the same I saw as well which saddens me. I remember 2 contractors who were in the exact same situation. Fathers slogged like mad and the late teen boys just sat in the truck, waited for fathers to work and then hand out pocket money, papas then bought food for them (didn't even bother buy food for poor father) and didn't lift a finger to help. So sad.2ppaamm:
The situation in Singapore looks really quite grim from my point of view.
This is what has been on my mind all this while when I look at the way most of the people of our country are developing. It's really sad to see most younger generation, adults included, are equipped with hard knowledge but not many necessarily soft life skills.
The 'squared' people whom I always harp about...
The 'squared' people who can see only one way to do things with pathetic tunnel vision...
The 'squared' people whom I would avoid at all cost for my kids to turn up to be...
What happened to my country???
PS:
I have a contractor friend who is doing quite well in his business. His son currently is in the NS and he told me few days back that son will be going overseas for studies after his NS.
I asked, \"Pang, do you know whether your son know how to change a light bulb?\"
Pang replied, \"Emmm, I haven't noticed he ever changes once. Anyway, his mum will not allow him to climb the ladder to do such things. He may fall from the ladder.\"
I said, \"Wa, you are a contractor and you mean your son so big oredi still doesn't know how to change a light bulb?\"
Pang said, \"Not necessary to know wat. He doesn't need to know how to do that for his studies.\"
kekeke... So typical 'strawberry mentality'. All light bulbs in my house are under the care of my son. Not that I 'black heart'. He falls better than my husband or I fall!
Like many in my generation, I didn't come from a rich family. When I was young, as young as 8 years old, I had to help in the stall, I remember my mom nearly chopped off my hand while I was getting change for a customer. To this day, I still have that nightmare about that incident.
It is because I went through really hard times trying to make ends meet for myself that I believe I became really strong and financially smart. I became good at maths as well, because we had to calculate change since really young, we became physically strong as I had to carry 24 kg (my own weight) of goods to sell every day. I became really good at bargaining and knew how to sweet talk aunties. I also became fluent in Malay, Hokkien and Cantonese. I could sew clothes because mum had no time and I had no money to buy, I could cook meals for myself and I could iron all my clothes since 7. Compared to my more affluent friends, I was much more 'able', because I was poorer. By the time I reached 15, I was giving tuition and earning close to $2K a month because I was choosy who I taught. I chose rich kids just a few years younger to teach, and I invest time to teach them baking, played badminton with them, and brought my charges to cut their hair! I knew how to build my own core competencies, and differentiate myself. All these, so that I could put myself through uni. Through all these, I managed to complete a terminal degree.
Often, I believe that it because we were less privileged than our peers that made us more matured and driven. No tuition, so we studied harder, no parents who could plan, so we had to plan myself how far we wanted to go with our own studies. I applied for my own scholarships, and earned enough to buy my own house and own car.
I worry for our next generation, and that's what I meant by 'soft'. Compared to us, our generation is soft, even the ones from the poorer families, whom I believe should actually have an edge. I am kinda sad for Singaporeans, yet, I know I cannot change much. My friend reminded me that people who try to help and change often die in the hands of those they wish to reform. A timely reminder. I told her I will try anyway.
Hello! It looks like you're interested in this conversation, but you don't have an account yet.
Getting fed up of having to scroll through the same posts each visit? When you register for an account, you'll always come back to exactly where you were before, and choose to be notified of new replies (either via email, or push notification). You'll also be able to save bookmarks and upvote posts to show your appreciation to other community members.
With your input, this post could be even better 💗
Register Login
Online Users
Statistics
Popular Topics
