Am I a Bad Mommy?

[MummyThreeStreams]

Chamonix, 2ppaamm,


I am encouraged by your sharing. Our family will be going away for a bit next year, and I have been getting all nervous about DS1 missing P2 and P3 and DS2 missing kindergarten (so won’t be prepared for P1 - that thread really freaks me out). But I think it’ll be a great time of bonding, and allowing our boys to learn about the world. I should be able to manage teaching them the Singapore syllabus!

But what I’m also scared about is how lonely I’ll feel, and whether I can cope with my three boys. In my previous overseas stint, I only had one boy, and I had friends, and he had friends. But I was often stressed out and lonely in the first 3-6 months. Ended up grumpy and mean to my son. It was better after awhile and we thoroughly enjoyed it. But my son was only a toddler then, so no need to worry about spending time teaching. General housework etc. will be ok, coz I don’t have a maid now anyway, though the grandparents come over regularly to allow me a ‘break’ from the kids! But now with two older ones who need teaching, and a baby who needs minding, I don’t know if I can cope with the loneliness and stress and become a bad mummy.

[Chenonceau]

MummyThreeStreams, actually, I am not the only one I know whose kids did better after coming back from overseas (where they were homeschooled). Another Mommy I know had BOTH girls go into RGS after they came home.


I'm not sure why it happens. Maybe because there is less structured learning, and also the emotional richness of family life.

We lived next to the library and if the Science syllabus said \"reproduction\"... anything that was vaguely reproductive got put into the library bag... and we didn't look at the Singapore textbooks at all. If my DD had reached a certain reading level, I just moved her up to the next. I followed her more than I followed the syllabus. Maybe if we had followed the textbooks, my kids would have failed when they returned. :rotflmao: :rotflmao:

[ammonite]

2ppaamm:

Insider, I think it is true that Singaporeans, not just the moms are a lot softer. The dads are soft, so are the children. One of my friends calls it the curse of affluence. We have maids to run after us, convenient and cheap cabs, and also enrichment classes everywhere. So good that we become soft.

I don't think it's just affluence. It's also the idea that studying comes before ANYTHING ELSE. That includes household chores, basic life skills etc. It is the idea that as long as the kids do well in school, they will be set for life. If they are set for life, the \"hardship\" of life can be outsourced to maids, drivers, laundromats, restaurants etc etc. Many parents prefer their children to NOT help out with the household chores so that they have more time to study. Besides, parents still tell their kids that if they don't do well, they will have to work as road-sweepers and toilet cleaners -- so how to tell them to clean the toilets at home?? Even in cases where the family is struggling financially, the priorities are still on the children's education - no part time work for them, laptops and mobile phone plans are still considered necessities.

The flip side of course is that the same message tells the children that if you fail in your studies, you fail in life. No matter what else you may be good at.

There is also the problem of work-life balance and family finances. Many parents do not have the luxury of flexible working hours or a sufficient single income that may allow them to coach their children, especially when teachers don't really teach everything. Maid is an easily available way out, and tuition helps when the parents can't. For some, it really is somewhat of a catch-22.

[2ppaamm]

Chenonceau:

Unfortunately, the cost to the Mommy is high. I sometimes feel like I have sacrificed my life to the altar of my family. The financial costs are high too because I earn so much less than before. In some families, I think Mommies WANT to be more involved in their kids' lives but they have to work full-time.

Thanks Chen, for affirming what I said is true about teaching your kids yourself overseas. Certainly, it is a lot more fun than school in Singapore, and a lot quicker. In fact, it is not an exaggeration to say that we can teach our own kids 10 times faster than the school teachers, as they deal with scolding, moving from class to class, behavior of this child and that child, which all add up!

Of course, one thing I do make sure we do is to look into the social needs of the kids, especially since my homeschooled kids are 11 and 8. I bring them for swimming classes 3 times a week, and then tennis classes. Made sure they mix with children about their own ages. This is where I get to sit and chat with mothers, fathers and coaches as well. I also join a local church, with mostly Asians, the pastor and church members are fantastic. They help my children and me, and make sure we settle in well.

I also agree the cost of motherhood is high. I have also given up a career. I was just looking into my pay slip last week and saddened that my pay has dropped to a small fraction of what I earned a decade ago. Sad, but I always believe this is a temporary thingy. Give it another few years, when my duty as a mother is done, I can 'fly' as a career/business person once again. And, I've always believed this happened for a good reason, I am perhaps being prepared for something greater. :xedfingers:

I'm sure mothers will know we are made for something better. Just that we have to slow down a little during this time of our family lives to fulfill a greater duty. Ultimately, there will be no regret.

[Chenonceau]

2ppaamm:

I also agree the cost of motherhood is high. I have also given up a career. I was just looking into my pay slip last week and saddened that my pay has dropped to a small fraction of what I earned a decade ago. Sad, but I always believe this is a temporary thingy. Give it another few years, when my duty as a mother is done, I can 'fly' as a career/business person once again. And, I've always believed this happened for a good reason, I am perhaps being prepared for something greater. :xedfingers:

Thank you... you just brightened up my day. I woke up this morning feeling a bit sorry for myself. It's one of those days. And yes... I do look forwards to going back to working and achieving for myself, not just help others achieve.

[2ppaamm]

ammonite:

I don't think it's just affluence. It's also the idea that studying comes before ANYTHING ELSE. That includes household chores, basic life skills etc. It is the idea that as long as the kids do well in school, they will be set for life. If they are set for life, the \"hardship\" of life can be outsourced to maids, drivers, laundromats, restaurants etc etc. Many parents prefer their children to NOT help out with the household chores so that they have more time to study. Besides, parents still tell their kids that if they don't do well, they will have to work as road-sweepers and toilet cleaners -- so how to tell them to clean the toilets at home?? Even in cases where the family is struggling financially, the priorities are still on the children's education - no part time work for them, laptops and mobile phone plans are still considered necessities.

The flip side of course is that the same message tells the children that if you fail in your studies, you fail in life. No matter what else you may be good at.

There is also the problem of work-life balance and family finances. Many parents do not have the luxury of flexible working hours or a sufficient single income that may allow them to coach their children, especially when teachers don't really teach everything. Maid is an easily available way out, and tuition helps when the parents can't. For some, it really is somewhat of a catch-22.

Er... if my children do not clean their own toilets, they will have to live with their own s***t until they do :imconstipated: . To brush the toilet for 2 minutes won't affect their results, to wipe up the sink after using doesn't take a minute, to fold the blankets and iron your own clothes take up max 10 minutes. To cook dinner/lunch, takes 30 minutes these days for the girls. And while I do not hope that my children end up as road sweepers and toilet cleaners as careers, I do not tell them that, and prefer that they show graciousness and respect to folks who have to do these jobs.

Come to think of it, if a student/child can come to me and innovate a new way to sweep the road (like using robots) and invent a toilet that cleans itself, then I think I would have become a successful teacher. Chinese saying, 三百六十行，行行出状元, has some truths in it. I have a student who did turn his father's garang guni business into a huge recycling company. So we Singaporeans should learn that study is very important, but not the only thing to do, at least not at the expense of other things.

Funny, often it is the ones from the poorer family who tend to do better in life if given an education. Perhaps it is because they need to juggle a lot more things than their richer peers. But when the poor family takes away that 'privilege' and start to spoil the kids by shielding them from everything else except studies, then will the kids start to think that they are immune from hardship and take things for granted? What advantage does that poor kid have from his richer friends?

[Chenonceau]

2ppaamm:

Come to think of it, if a student/child can come to me and innovate a new way to sweep the road (like using robots) and invent a toilet that cleans itself, then I think I would have become a successful teacher. Chinese saying, 三百六十行，行行出状元, has some truths in it. I have a student who did turn his father's garang guni business into a huge recycling company.

Ohhhhh! This reminds me of the time I tore up paper into bits and scattered them all over the room and then made my DS pick them up one by one. I needed some time to spend with DD and it was a good way to get him outta our hair.

He did that twice and I had 30 minutes of peace each time. The 3rd time, he came back after 5 minutes. He had, it turned out, figured out the use of the broom and the dust pan. :rotflmao: :rotflmao:

[2ppaamm]

insider:

2ppaamm:

The situation in Singapore looks really quite grim from my point of view.

This is what has been on my mind all this while when I look at the way most of the people of our country are developing. It's really sad to see most younger generation, adults included, are equipped with hard knowledge but not many necessarily soft life skills.

The 'squared' people whom I always harp about...

The 'squared' people who can see only one way to do things with pathetic tunnel vision...

The 'squared' people whom I would avoid at all cost for my kids to turn up to be...

What happened to my country???

PS:
I have a contractor friend who is doing quite well in his business. His son currently is in the NS and he told me few days back that son will be going overseas for studies after his NS.

I asked, \"Pang, do you know whether your son know how to change a light bulb?\"

Pang replied, \"Emmm, I haven't noticed he ever changes once. Anyway, his mum will not allow him to climb the ladder to do such things. He may fall from the ladder.\"

I said, \"Wa, you are a contractor and you mean your son so big oredi still doesn't know how to change a light bulb?\"

Pang said, \"Not necessary to know wat. He doesn't need to know how to do that for his studies.\"

kekeke... So typical 'strawberry mentality'. All light bulbs in my house are under the care of my son. Not that I 'black heart'. He falls better than my husband or I fall!

You know, your story about Pang is the same I saw as well which saddens me. I remember 2 contractors who were in the exact same situation. Fathers slogged like mad and the late teen boys just sat in the truck, waited for fathers to work and then hand out pocket money, papas then bought food for them (didn't even bother buy food for poor father) and didn't lift a finger to help. So sad.

Like many in my generation, I didn't come from a rich family. When I was young, as young as 8 years old, I had to help in the stall, I remember my mom nearly chopped off my hand while I was getting change for a customer. To this day, I still have that nightmare about that incident.

It is because I went through really hard times trying to make ends meet for myself that I believe I became really strong and financially smart. I became good at maths as well, because we had to calculate change since really young, we became physically strong as I had to carry 24 kg (my own weight) of goods to sell every day. I became really good at bargaining and knew how to sweet talk aunties. I also became fluent in Malay, Hokkien and Cantonese. I could sew clothes because mum had no time and I had no money to buy, I could cook meals for myself and I could iron all my clothes since 7. Compared to my more affluent friends, I was much more 'able', because I was poorer. By the time I reached 15, I was giving tuition and earning close to $2K a month because I was choosy who I taught. I chose rich kids just a few years younger to teach, and I invest time to teach them baking, played badminton with them, and brought my charges to cut their hair! I knew how to build my own core competencies, and differentiate myself. All these, so that I could put myself through uni. Through all these, I managed to complete a terminal degree.

Often, I believe that it because we were less privileged than our peers that made us more matured and driven. No tuition, so we studied harder, no parents who could plan, so we had to plan myself how far we wanted to go with our own studies. I applied for my own scholarships, and earned enough to buy my own house and own car.

I worry for our next generation, and that's what I meant by 'soft'. Compared to us, our generation is soft, even the ones from the poorer families, whom I believe should actually have an edge. I am kinda sad for Singaporeans, yet, I know I cannot change much. My friend reminded me that people who try to help and change often die in the hands of those they wish to reform. A timely reminder. I told her I will try anyway.

[2ppaamm]

repeat post oops!

[Pangyx]

Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it.

Harold S.Hubert