How to work with shy children

[schellen]

mummy of 2:

As far as I know, he tries to hide in one corner and let her participate in whatever is going on

Trying to imagine a grown man squeezing himself into a small corner.... :lol:

Does your DD often look for your DH during that time? Not just turning around to look for him but running to where he is too. I'm just wondering since you said that she's not as clingy (or not clingy?) to your DH.

Maybe she really just needs time to adapt to playgroup on a regular basis.
When I sent my DD to playgroup, she happened to be at the age when parents were required to be around (about 2-1/2). She didn't cry or fuss but I knew she was reassured by my presence close by, even if she can't see me or have me follow her everywhere. She warmed up to the teachers quickly (rather than her peers) during those few months so when it was time to transfer her to the older group (from age 3, I think), I could leave her for 90-120 minutes without any problem. Eventually, when I sent her to full-day childcare when she turned 4, the transition was smooth.

Good luck!

[mummy of 2]

Generally we do not force her to speak to her strangers, only say \"hello\" and \"bye bye\". My elder son is the complete opposite. He can start a conversation with anyone. And i really mean anyone, even the worker who is doing repainting at the lift lobby :lol:


You are right in that character makes a big difference. We are trying to expose her gradually to social situations in a non-threatening way. For school, maybe just have to let go and let her cry it out, like what some of you suggested.

[Busymom]

My DS (2.5yo) is shy and introvert when he is in the company of outsiders. He is rowdy and noisy at home, not unlike his sister, whom I used to call a social butterfly. I was concerned if he would be able to adapt to being on his own in childcare when he turned 2. All kids, whether shy or not, would have separation anxiety. However, the degree and length of it would be worse for one who is clingy and introvert. That was what I thought, at least.


As it turned out, he cried for less than 5 days when he first started going to childcare, which was better than DD. Having seen his sister gone to another school had helped (so he knows that his turn to go to school would come when he is older). However, it is equally important to mentally prepare the kids for what is to come. Just as what we did with DD, we read a few stories which were about going to school to him, e.g. Spot Goes To School, and there was another about Emily, the rabbit (can’t remember the title now). Both are great stories about the fun things that one does in school. I would then tell DS gently that he would soon have to go to school and how fun that would be. We also brought him to the childcare and let him see the environment.

What we also did with DD, which we didn’t with DS, was that we used to bring her to My Gym, a class for physical activities. There is a segment in the middle of the class where all the toddlers would be left in the middle of room, surrounded by toys. Parents would then spread out to other corners of the room. Initially, you will see some tolddlers finding their way back to their parents, but after some weeks, these toddlers would be quite happy to play the toys on their own. Maybe this is something that you can try out when you bring DD to friends/relatives’ house.

[hquek]

DS1 cried for half a year (yup, 6 whole months) when I first enrolled him in playgroup - the mummies/grandmas were surprised one July morning when he didn't cry. :oops: Since then, he enjoys his N1, N2 and now K1 years.


DS2 cried for a few months also (I think about 2/3) when he first went to N1 this year. He doesn't cry now, but will still grumble and resist wearing his uniform in the morning.

I gather that my kids cried hardest when they are going to wear uniform or about to enter the school. Once in, the teachers will usually comfort them and carry them; or they start playing games and other stuff and the kids will quieten down.

[mummy of 2]

Period of crying varies from 5 days to 6motnhs...wow! Hope my DD doesn't break the record. Have decided to let her attend daily playgroup from next year onwards. Will try to prepare her mentally for that. Thanks for all your tips and sharing :thankyou:

[radiantmum]

This topic brings back \"fond\" memory ... mine even rolled on the floor and the teachers kept commenting then that his rolling power is so good that they are not able to scoop him up and comfort him to stop him from screaming and crying


But this is a stage where all parents go through ... & yes, mine is perfectly well adapted and loves school after the initial \"adventure\" :lol: Enjoy and look back with amusement

[buds]

Sharing an article with all, which i read sometime back..


Clingy children become especially anxious about leaving you as a big
milestones - like the 1st day of school - approach. And sometimes
parents are equally reluctant! Read on and reflect on the suggestions
offered to help everyone to gently let go.

Stuck On You!

Anxiety about separation can be a reflection of the strong bond
between you and your child. This is normal and she will look to
you for reassurance. You will need to prepare your child to
prevent her from becoming clingy & refusing to leave your side.

It is your role as a parent to get your child used to being away
from you. If you don't involve your child in getting ready for the
big day - talking, sharing what is going to happen, visiting, going
shopping for a new lunchbox or raincoat or water bottle - she will
find it harder to accept leaving you when the time arrives. You will
make matters worse if you linger or are indecisive about leaving or
try to sneak away without being noticed. It is crucial to establish a
goodbye routine and practice it by leaving your child with other people
for short periods of time and gradually increasing them.

Children often pick up our insecurities and clingy children often have
anxious parents. However, sometimes children behave in a clingy way
because they are tired and didn't get to bed early enough. Chaotic
morning routines when parents get frazzled and shout are not the best
preparation either, as this cranks up anxiety levels.

Sometimes children are clingy because they think they will miss out on
things when they are away from you. Don't describe things that you will
be doing in the time that you are apart (for a start) - far better for them
to think nothing much happens when they're not with you! Children who
show you that they are feeling unwell tend to be much more clingy than
usual and although this is normal, you need to stay firm enough so that
they don't learn that if they make a fuss you will stay or change your
mind. However, if they are really ill do please keep them at home so as
not to spread the germs to other children in the school.

Some children just aren't ready and mature enough for a big separation.
Remember that they used start school at 5 and now it is often at 4 yrs old.
Any big change in a child's life can cause anxiety, clinginess and tantrums.
Divorce, arguments, a new baby, moving house, the death of a family
member or even a pet can make children much more clingy than usual,
and that is perfectly normal.

Full of confidence!

The children who seem most confident often had lots opportunity to mix
with other children and have attended toddler groups, activity groups or
pre-school groups. Another point to remember is that confident parents
tend to have confident children, particularly if the children have been
encouraged to develop their independence skills, such as managing
themselves when toileting, dressing and tidying up. Children who have
become accustomed to being away from their parents but are secure in
the knowledge that their parents will return are also often very confident.

Children who act clingy when they're fearful of leaving us are easy to
spot. But there are many behaviours which may also indicate that your
child is feeling anxious about letting go. They include feeling breathless,
or repeated tummy aches and headaches. Some children may become
withdrawn and uncommunicative, even losing interest in friends. Others
may suddenly seem to feel unsafe staying in a room by themselves and
may shadow you around the house. They might have difficulty going to
sleep, suffer from nightmares or worry about monsters, burglars or being
alone in the dark. These can all indicate a sense of insecurity.

She clung and screamed non-stop!

Betty's oldest daughter, Barbra started pre-school with no problem. But
when Bella, her younger daughter started, it was a different story. Bella
clung and screamed non-stop on teh 1st day although they had dropped
Barbra and Bella off together for 2 terms. Betty didn't think that Bella
would need the same kind of preparation as Barbra but soon realized
what a mistake she had made. \"The staff were great! Betty says. \"They
stayed calm and worked at Bella's pace until she was confident enough
to leave me without a problem. Since then, we have never looked back.\"
The staff at the pre-school realized that Bella had lost confidence and
was feeling anxious too. So over a 4-week period, they introduced the
following programme.

>Betty was encouraged to stay with Bella throughout the 1st few sessions.

>Staff showed Bella around, including pointing out her peg. They took the
time to explain how she would be spending her time and asked what she
liked to do.

>Betty was encouraged to invite other children to play at the park or at
home after the session so that Bella could get to know them better.

>Bella was asked to bring her favourite toy in.

>Bella was asked to look after something for mummy per se... her scarf,
while mummy popped out to get something from the shop.

>Bella looked after the scarf for longer and longer each day when Betty
left the group until she could manage a whole session. Each time mummy
would say exactly when she would come back and then make sure she did.

Each child might need a different programme of support and might have
to move through it at a different pace. Bella took three weeks to feel
confident enough to leave her mummy but some children may take
longer while some others much faster...

This sort of softly, softly approach works well not just for the child but
for the parent too, helping everyone let go in a gentle way. And do
remember, it is just as important that you feel confident leaving your
child as it is for your child to feel safe being left, as she'll pick up on
your anxiety. If you're both feeling relaxed and confident then the
whole transition is likely to be much more smooth.

[buds]

Want to know more?


Click this link for >http://www2.scholastic.com/browse/collection.jsp?id=527

[justlynne]

hello all,


My 5 year old niece keeps to herself alot. She does not speak much to strangers but talks abit to us (her immediate family members). She is so quiet and different from my own boys. She takes a long time to warm up to strangers and always want to hold hands when we are out…

how can we help her to open up?

[daisyt]

Hi justlynne, maybe you can browse through this topic and see if you can get some tips.


http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/forum/viewtopic.php?t=5880