Advice - Divorce or Not to Divorce

[winth]

Funz:

Hi leesf,


Sounds to me like your DH is jealous of your DS. I am no expert here but I think it is a very common mistake that women make once we have children. Everything we do is for the children. We cook the kid's favourite food, we schedule our activities around theirs, etc. Could your DH be resentful because of that?

Try to work things out with your husband. Divorce may seem like a good solution but it brings with it many other issues. And do you really believe that it will benefit your son.

Totally agree with Funz!
For married mums, most of us and even I do fall into this similar mistake of putting my sons' privileges first, no matter how hard I remind myself. Children always seem to be at the vulnerable end and need mothers to be there. This causes jealousy and hubbies might turn to some other outlet. They might not even be aware that it was jealousy in the first place.

Divorce brings you other problems and is usually the last resort, never the first.

As this problem has been there for a number of years, conversations might not start as spontaneous as it used to be. Let say my hubby glues himself to the PC after dinner. I will settle my son by telling him what he's expected to do (learn spelling, do homework, be in bed by 9pm etc cos he's already 11 year-old) I will make a cup of coffee for DH, sit beside him and ask what he's doing, pretending to show interest in your war and conquer games. (believe me: i have done that before, i even set up an online login to his latest game and told him to teach me how to play. After 2 nights of playing, I slowly influenced him and told him this game is quite 'boring', why not we watch DVD together?)

Your son is already 11, he will need both of you to guide him before he turns into a young teenager. Another set of problem will start once he enters secondary school. Don't let this be your problem, let your hubby solve this together with you.

[fussyMummy]

Hi buds,


Thanks for your advise, althought is for Windy but not to me.

I feel touching and tearing while I read it....

Pardon for my poor english...

:thankyou:

[buds]

Heyya fussyMummy...


Quoting Windy doesn't necessarily mean
the thoughts in my entry are specifically
meant for her alone..

People who've joined KiasuParents.com
long enough will know buds has always
and will always have enough love to
share with all.

I'm one who believes (and God do i reali
try my darnest best to do so!) to turn any
of my negatives into positive. It is difficult
sometimes... yeah, no one promised it wud
be easy... but i try lah. Our lives now... on
Earth is but only temporary. Why suffer so
long in agony when there can be more new
and beautiful memories to create.

I earn the right to be happy and to do so is
TO BELIEVE...

Here is a verse from one of my DDs Barbie
songs from DVD selections.

Believe....
In all there can be...
A miracle starts whenever you dream...

Believe....
And sing from your heart, you'll see...
Your song will hold the key.....

So, what do you believe...?
What is in your dreams...?
Which is that song which holds your key...

PS : (Whispering...) Pssst... fussyMummy, one
definitely doesn't only require Queens English
to have empathy... to have compassion... or
to spread the love.

Now dry those tears & start living
for yourself okay, darling? :hug:

[Windy]

Thanks buds. This is the best forum and supports for me. You really put in so much effort to give us all the helplines :salute: Here, I can feel the warmth, sincerity, encouragement just by reading the replies.


I had ever seen someone writting abt her hb affair in the sg forum, and sad to said, she never gets any support and instead she gets alots of cruel replies from the PRC in sg forum.

As I think, this Kiasu Parents forum as it is named attract people who really want to be a good parent and not PRC who want to come here and distory people family, or criticise us that our hb left bec we are the one who should be blamed. (by the way this PRC is 20yrs younger than me, not fair to compare).

In short, members of kiasu Parents are all positive, knowledgeable, sensible, sympatheticm,mindful in characters. Cheers!

I would want to share my true feeling throughout the whole \"D\" process with you gals, so that you will have an idea how is it like. Now, is in the stage of waiting for my lawyer to prepare the script, then my hb will sign it when it is done, it will take about 3 mths to be ready but court oder will take another 3 mths. Alots of paper work and money need to be spend, about 4K, not finalise yet. (Sorry my English also so so only, but with all the understanding people around, I will still write)

[buds]

You're welcome, Windy.


You hang in there ya... :hugs:

[Finally1972]

Hi "fussyMummy"


Read your post. Thank you.

He refused to speak & turn 360 degree changed into a monster within days. He started drinking every night even infront of the kids & gamble football & horses out of sudden (to spite me, I guess). It is so scary when you see a man whom you supposed to know became a stranger.

I could have forgive (but hard to forget) if he shows some remorseful but NOTHING.

Three major things :
(1) Accomodation - I’ll have enough after selling our current home.
(2) Children Custody - Depend on judge, right?
(3) Maintance Fees - Is up to him to pay…if he doesn’t, yes, it would be a headache.

Can recommend a lawyer so that I can speak & find out more…now the problem is our $$$ all in joint account. Sigh…if he is a monster now…I’m unsure what would he do.

[fussyMummy]

Finally1972:

Hi \"fussyMummy\"


Can recommend a lawyer so that I can speak & find out more....now the problem is our $$$ all in joint account. Sigh...if he is a monster now...I'm unsure what would he do.

There is a Free Lawyer consultaion at Community Centre or Care Corner FamilyCare Service near your area, before you really want to enage a Lawyer (Final Decision)

You can get those information from :
http://www.carecorner.org.sg

You can always talk to those professional Counsellors. They will give you some advise and clear what you are doubt with..... and slowly decide what to do and what to avoid.

Try to get more information as you can.. Myself were very panic and blur at that time I filed for \"D\", so went throught quite a lot of unneccessary paths...

I know is miserable at this stage... And I believe that there still have a solution to save/solve :hugs: it. As I mentioned before, \"D\" not the best solution, as you will face a lot of \"funny\" incident after it...

Take good care of yourself always.. No matter how you have be strong, \"KiasuParents\" are with you.. Cheer...

[ChiefKiasu]

Windy:

...I would want to share my true feeling throughout the whole \"D\" process with you gals, so that you will have an idea how is it like. Now, is in the stage of waiting for my lawyer to prepare the script, then my hb will sign it when it is done, it will take about 3 mths to be ready but court oder will take another 3 mths. Alots of paper work and money need to be spend, about 4K, not finalise yet. (Sorry my English also so so only, but with all the understanding people around, I will still write)

And windy, you have grown from a woman dependent on that poor-excuse-for-a-hubs to one who is much more authoritative and in control of your own destiny. I salute you for making a very tough but necessary decision and start on the path of recovery. It will be long and hard, and the scars will remain, but when your children thank you one day for rescuing their childhood, you will know that your sacrifices are fully vindicated.

[Windy]

Thanks Chief!


\"Also need to thank my hb giving me this chance to force myself to build up my strength day by day in life.\"

Finally 1972, I understand how you feel bec my case is similar to yours. I can forgive my husband for his passed affairs but I can't stand his drinking behaviour.

Frankly speaking, I also not sure of my future financial situation as I am a contract staff for 2 yrs, so financially is uncertain but I don't want to think too far.

If you hv evidence of hb's affair, you will win almost 80% and get the child custody. You must able to proof to the judge why your husband is not in the right behaviour to take care of your children, must be concrete evident. Be smart and gather as much evidence as you can. You can also talk to your husband to the agreement for an amicable D, so that he won't contest, if he contest, the lawyer fees may go up to $10K.

However, sometime their behavioural changes is due to remorseful for what they had done to the wife, it might be short term. If possible, try to talk to him as much as you can to make him change. I had tried talking to my hb since last Sept but only found out his affair this year Aug. Had done my best but he still prefer the freedom life style. He so call want to exchage his freedom by giving up on me. I collected alots of evidence and my hb will not contest, he don't have ground to contest, so my case is 99% win. I dare to go ahead bec of mutaul agreement and I will be given house, custody of both my children and maintainent. Even till now, I will still hope he willing to salvage the marriage by changing but he refused.

Use some talking skill to persuade him to give you the house so that you and your children will have shelter. Remember don't fight, sweet talk, you must do that for the moment. If he really serious to marry the woman outside, the children might be a burden to him, alert him with this facts. If he refuse, need to sell the house and divide 50%, if you can, buy over the house by topping up his share by CPF, is more advantage to you.

I do not know since when your marriage light turn red, if it is recently, give yourself at 6 mths period for both of them to cool down and think twice, because of the children. Sometime, it might work.

We are always with you, holding each other hands going thru the difficult time of our fail marriage.

[Windy]

Today, both of us took out the 60cm by 60cm wedding photo with frame which was taken 12 yrs ago. It was so big, the biggest photo which I had in my life. My ex help me to take it out from the frame. I cut it into smaller pieces and threw it into the dustbin. Feelings flow in, kept for 12yrs, destroyed by 12 sec.


Heard a story from a friend, an old lady brought a very old, yellowish torn wedding photo to him and asked him if he can give this photo a life again, he did it and passed it back to her, she was delighted.

Marriage? Love? Suddenly these 2 words sound very strange to me.

I wonder how u gals handle the wedding’s photo if marriage doesn’t work?

Anyone want to share?