Cold Wars (with your spouse)

[buds]

Funz:

However, many years ago, I think, I was in cold war mode with DH for over a year. Talking to him only to convey information, not confiding in him about anything, handling everything myself, not bothering to talk to him about what I was unhappy about, going about my own activities without including him, etc.


It reached that point after many years of me being vocal about how I felt, wanting to work things out but him not responding, countless broken promises, being blamed for all things that did not go his way, being the last on his list of priorities, being lied to, etc. At some point, I shut down. I was so tired that I became numb. I did not care anymore whether he came home for dinner or whether or not he was home at 3/4am. I no longer had the energy to get upset when he came home pissed drunk. I moved on with my own life.

Our turning point came when he was at his lowest point in his career. That was when he turned to us, his family, but I was not there for him. He will try to confide in me but I was too 'closed up' to offer any kind of support for him. He reached out and said he is really trying and has been for the last few months but I was not acknowledging his efforts. That opened a floodgate. There was so much resentment in me by then and all I wanted to do was to hit out at him. I ranted and railed and he yelled and shouted there was tears and old pain resurfaced. He said he was trying I said not hard enough, he said he was lonely, I told him so was I and where was he all these time. But in the end, when the rush of emotions settled, I told him to give me time to let go of all the resentment.

I never thought what happened years ago was cold war since basic 'need to' conversation was still on going.

In any case, I will say don't let your cold wars drag on too long. It will eat away at you and in it does not solve anything. The only way to work things out is to really trash it out and talk it through and of course followed by necessary actions and commitments.

I know how this feels. I too have been there and done that. :snuggles:
The numbness is kinda scary cos one can easily lose all feeling and lose everything.
Still takes two to trash things out and in the long run stay committed to work the kinks out.

[happy to be mum]

in my entire 15 relationship with DH, we had never have cold wars cause both DH and myself are the type, if not happy have to trash it out! I was lucky also cause DH always will give in to me


hope you can trash it out with DH also cause it is not healthy and also I can imagine how torturous a cold war can be. Hope your DH will listen to you, pour out how you feel..

[HyperKiasu]

happy to be mum:

in my entire 15 relationship with DH, we had never have cold wars cause both DH and myself are the type, if not happy have to trash itI was lucky also cause DH always will give in to me out!


hope you can trash it out with DH also cause it is not healthy and also I can imagine how torturous a cold war can be. Hope your DH will listen to you, pour out how you feel..

yes, you are lucky to have such a hubby.

there is a Chinese saying:
听老婆的, 大富大贵!

[peapot]

That’s true. I think you are lucky too. Never had cold wars, wow!

[happy to be mum]

i think i was lucky because both of us cannot stand cold wars. Even if want to have cold wars, also cannot cause either one of us will drag the one (who dun want to talk) out from the bed to settle whatever unhappiness. Thrash it out is our marriage motto

[HAPPYH]

worriedmumz:

I rather fight it out than have cold war.

Yes, I agree with you. Talk talk talk quarrel for a while. Then everything is over.

[vivienpg]

I used to think talk talk talk quarrel for a while, then everything is over. But DH either comes up with the 4 letter word (which makes me even more mad, cos I strictly forbid that in case DS and DD learns from her) or totally ignore me. Now my heart starting to feel cool, keep thinking when DD grows up and finish my studies before i divorce him.

[MM8396]

Ever wonder why one cannot bear with our spouse just as before we married? Some factors to consider

1. There is a change in the family members - wife attend more to kids than their hubbies
2. After marriage, does the inlaw interfere with the couples’ decision making in various matters ? ie. place to stay, kids’ school, change in financial contribution./…
3. Spouse become more particular cooncern on the other party time allocation? ie need to spend more time at home than with friends…
4. Lesser time spend alone together to discuss mutual thoughts for the kids, own time for intimacy between themselves
5. Fully exhausted after work especially both parties are working parents, not much time to continue the routine of romancing just as before marriage as commitment in high pace kicks in

[happy to be mum]

i guess both parties need to make an effort to commit to each other as a couple, commit to the family as a parent.


to me cold wars are even more difficult when you have kids, you do not want to see your kids worried or sad to see mummy and daddy not talking to each other or asking their kids to be the \"telephone\" to relate messages. dun think our kids dunno when we quarrel or argue, they knows definitely...even though they dunno how to ask and what to ask.

I am lucky my DH will \"drag me out\" when at certain moments i really dun want to talk (cause DH is a good talker) & we will resolve our issues by the time we sleep

[3lilangels]

sYEO:

I agree with Baby39. My hubby is the type who doesn't see his wrongs even when his IS wrong. He never apologise, if he did wrong things, he will blame everyone for 'driving' him to do that. Yes, talk more, wrong more. Best is to keep quiet. How else to do?

Wow! sounds so familiar.

So now it's cold war time. He's the one sulking, giving the \"justice bao\" face. Well, I just get on with my life, with my kids even though i know it's not healthy .. I did try to apologise but he said, if you carry drugs and say sorry to the police, will it be ok? :slapshead: So I stopped saying sorry....

He's carrying all the grudges from as long as he could remember and refusing to put it down. I have told him many times to make peace with the past so it won't spoil the present, but he just couldn't let go at all.

We are supposed to go away with my youngest kid this weekend to Kukup but looking at his sulky face, I also darn sian! :sad:

:xedfingers: :xedfingers: