Talking about Death ...

[concern2]

insider:

This one when I free, I can share more... (about what I read on 'going in and out of the line between life and death'. Interesting stuff!)

I want to know, I want to know!

[Funz]

My kids are still too young for me to talk about our funeral arrangements, etc. But we have spoken about death and all with them and they have recently experienced what a death in the family is like with the recent passing of my FIL.


I think it is getting more and more common for families to have members with different religious believes. That was what happened with FIL. MIL and SIL are christians while FIL is supposedly buddhist (he claims) but his believes gear more towards Taoism. FIL's passing was very sudden so everyone was scrambling. No prior instructions from him, so all DH could go on was based on what he thinks his father would want and also inputs from various siblings of FIL just to avoid any conflicts. The wake and funeral was basically a state of confusion. The elders say buddhist rites since FIL was s buddhist so DH told the undertakers and funeral home staff, buddhist rites. Then as the wake progressed, the elders started asking why no one burning the papers by FIL's coffin, no paper houses, no paid mourners to cry.

Settling FIL's estate was also no easy task, MIL knows nothing, FIL has stuff all over the place. Then there is the supposed well meaning intentions of relatives to contend with. DH was going :siao: . Told him to ignore all the noise and do what he thinks is the best for his mother. FIL already gone, everything that has to be done now should be for the benefit of his mother.

At night in bed, we talked about it. I told DH, if I do go before him, please, no incense, no burning papers. Candles ok but non-scented. If I have not adopted any religion, I do not want any rites. Just a 2 day period for friends and relatives to say their goodbyes and cremate. He can choose what he wants to do with my ashes, but if he decides to place my ashes at a columbrium, again no incense section. And when he too is gone, the kids can decide if they want to do with my ashes. Told DH this is my believe, when a person is gone, he/she is gone. What needs to be done thereafter should be done with the living in mind, not about what you think the dead would want.

We have a will and we drafted an advance medical directive. No extraordinary means to be taken to prolong our existence if there is no chance of us waking up. Meaning, no life support machines. But the AMD is still just a draft now.

[MadScientist]

UncleLim:

MadScientist - where have you been?

Ya, I am tying up the loose ends of my late dad's financial matters. So I share some of my thoughts with my kids over dinner. I don't want to have any subject labelled as \"taboo\" in my home, and that includes death, divorce, sex, homosexuality etc. Better for my kids to hear it from my than from their schoolmates or the media.

Also, this year is my year of \"speaking the truth\". All my life I have been political correct and failed to express my opinions honestly. It is mid life now for me and I want to change that. Family and friends are finding it a bit uncomfortable but hey... I better speak my mind before it is time for me to go. :evil:

Uncle Lim, I have had been really busy with many transitions. Catch up over a meal and can fill you in.


It's interesting about your year of truth... Give your loved ones time to adjust. A quick implementation tends to invoke undesired responses at times.

Being able to chat honestly with our children is perhaps the best thing we can do for them when they are young... Only then, I believe, that when they are teenagers, will they have the tendency to honestly chat with us.
My kids are young(er), but are growing up fast. I take your cue in wanting to speak before it's too late.

Catch ya soon!

[pinky]

concern2:

daisyt:

I feel very sad to see children not holding joss stick in their parent's funeral due to their religion belief.

I agree with you on this, daisyt. To us, it is a form of respect for the deceased. However, many who do not want to hold the joss sticks think otherwise. I am very surprised that foreigners who also have a different religion are willing to hold the joss sticks for the deceased, if not, to just put their palms together to show respect at the funeral. It is especially sad and disappointing when it is close relatives who refuse to do these things because of different religious beliefs.

there are also cases where the elderly were asked to change to another religion at their death bed by their kids(some of them against their wishes) and siblings arguing over which funeral rites to follow. it is very sad and painful to see especially if it happens to people closed to you :sad:

[dolphinsiah]

Today in the Straits Times it is reported there is a legal document \" Living Will\" to terminal your life if you become terminally ill.....


\"An Advance Medical Directive (AMD) is a legal document you sign in advance to inform your doctor that you do not want the use of any life-sustaining treatment to be used to prolong your life in the event you become terminally ill and unconscious and where death is imminent.\"

But it bit troublesome leh, must get a Doctor to endorse.... :roll:

Anybody done it before? Did the Doctor Charge ? :?:

I already made up my mind if I am diagnosed with uncurable illness, I will not spend a single cent on mediacl treatment....especially Cancer....
Till now I have no faith in Cancer BAttling.... :razz:

No point I spend lots of money on all the Chemical just to prolong my life.... :siao:
Eventually I will stay die.... :faint:

Now , I am a live , I will ensure I will fulfill my responsibilty as a mother and a daughter to my parents.... :imanangel:

When I leave this world , I will ensure my love ones will not suffer.... :love:

When I passed away , I already instructed my children , :snooze:
a)no burial ceremony...
I am nobody great ...no need to waste $$$ for the ceremony..., no need to advertise...
b)Just email to inform those who know me that I have given back my IC to the local authority...
c) Just have my ash scatter into the deep sea ,it would be best in Sentosa....
My favourite getaway in Singapore...

[laughingcat]

I have done it before…so long ago. Just print out the document and get it endorsed with the doctor. Charges like normal consultation fee only.

[pinky]

today's papers also mentioned that there is an increase in the no. of people who signed up, I guess many of us are put off at the ever increasing medical fees and aftercare services etc

[Funz]

Actually when DH and I were looking at the AMD, we were looking more at not prolonging suffering unnecessarily and also not spend too much money on a lost cause. The other reason is to remove the burden of this decision from our loved ones.


But hor, up until today, we have not gotten it signed by our doctor.

[FantasyLandDreams]

Another burial option:


https://zbschools.sg/cos/o.x?c=/ca7_zbs/zbs&func=view&rid=8701

[zac's mum]

Interesting! I never knew there was this thread. Thanks for reviving it.


I didn’t know that talking about death is still taboo today? In any case, DS encountered death in the family at age 2 (his own beloved Ah Kong, my own Daddy passed away from long drawn out cancer). At that point in time, he already could talk and understand that Ah Kong was leaving us. No way to shield him from this fact.

At preschool age he already asked us about what happens after death and we had an open discussion about all the different religions.

At age 7 we brought him to join our close friends at one of their father’s funeral. To comfort our friend (whom he already knew as a familiar Uncle) together and also to experience a Christian funeral service.

Once in a while we will remind him to treasure all his loved ones, because it’s a fact of life that death could happen when we least expect it. Vice versa, we try to treasure our time with him on this earth as much as possible.