Husband drinks & stays out late - Does yours?

[Chenonceau]

applecrisp:

I duno to say I am fuming mad or utterly disappointed with the man I married. I stayed awake the whole night, called his HP man times with no success and as me and mil started to wonder if something had happened, he appeared at the door at 6:30am. He claimed his HP battery was dead, couldn't call a valet and fell asleep in the car.


Am I being stupid here?? Why am I worrying for someone while he's out having fun?? Whilst he apologized for making the family worry, I know deep in my heart he would never be sorry. When he got into the car accident he also apologized. The next two months was back to late night drinking and today's incident is really testing my limits!

If you see someone at work with red swollen eyes, pls dun ask if that's me

Hi Applecrisp, my heart goes out to you. Would it help to brainstorm and generate a list of possible reasons why he finds home \"not nice to go back to\"? And then to see what changes can be made at home to reduce or eliminate these \"push\" factors pushing him out into the night? Could it be job stress that pushes him to drink? Can you set up a bar at home and fix him up a cocktail or aperitif before dinner to relax him after his job?

Gee... it kinda sounds like I am blaming you or the home for keeping him away... I married someone who tries to spend as much time as possible with me, so it seems so easy to sound smug. That is not my intent. It takes 2 hands to clap. There ARE men who are so addicted to the night life that no matter how nice a home they have, they'll still wanna spend the night out.

What got me thinking was when DH commented last night \"I like being home with you. It is restful and cosy.\" Is there something you can do to make the home restful and cosy? Or is your hubby just so addicted to the night life that nothing you do will make a difference? If that is so, then you're better off alone so you have one less teenager to worry about.

Hope this helps.

[LOLMum]

applecrisp:

Hi everyone


It's 4:48am and I am waiting for hubby to come home. He told me this evening he was going for a \"short\" drink and would be back by 9+pm. Guess his concept of time is all screwed up. Called him and the line is dead.

Eg one day last week, I told hubby I was working late and needed him to go home earlier to do spelling with my k2. He said ok. When I reached home at 9+, he was no where to be found and I Heard from mil he called home to say he was going out for drinks. He came back eventually after 12.

applecrisp:

I duno to say I am fuming mad or utterly disappointed with the man I married. I stayed awake the whole night, called his HP man times with no success and as me and mil started to wonder if something had happened, he appeared at the door at 6:30am. He claimed his HP battery was dead, couldn't call a valet and fell asleep in the car.

are you able to face the fact that your husband might be having an affair?

[Chenonceau]

There is a book called \"Act Like a Lady. Think Like a Man.\" It's a How To book... you might find it useful. http://www.harpercollins.com/browseinside/index.aspx?isbn13=9780061728976

[znzyzyzx]

I agree. Let the daddy be involved with the kids. For myself, I let my husband responsible of taking care of son's chinese and school homework.


If they are too free, they would find other things to do. Dont think that he works very hard and tries to do everything to relieve him. Get him involved in the house and home.

cherrygal:

I feel for you snowball. <hug>

I always think that a couple must share the chores and participate in the kids' activities. You mentioned you just switched to becoming a SAHM. I think you must let him know that he cannot throw everything to you just becoz you are a SAHM. If that's the case, get a part time job or go back to work. Put the kids in student care and make him responsible for fetching at least one of the kids home. That's what I get my hubby to do even though I work part time and have my own car. I don't want a maid so he knows he better help out since I have to cook and clean. Sometimes these men think they can lord over us as they are the sole breadwinner.

I dunno how the balance of power is at your household but if you have been tolerating him all these years, it's gonna be a little difficult to change things. You could make small changes by going back to work, getting rid of the maid if any, and make his contribution absolutely \"necessary\". He would be forced by circumstances to come home to help out.

So far, he has been too pampered and tolerated by you, the superwoman. Don't pao ka liao anymore.

[Funz]

Just hanging out with my kakis lah.

Must give face or no face if leave so early when all still there
Need to unwind after work, very stress
Business entertainment, no choice
Boss there no choice
This fellas b’day, promo, last day, etc
One last drink and I’ll be home. 3hrs laters still not home

I’ve heard all these, I’ve gone through all these. Our house was beautifully renovated. Friends love to hang out at our place. Wine, liquor, coffee, tea, snacks, you name it we have it. Still he was out most nights. Then came DD, thought with DD along, he might find reasons to be home earlier and more so since we bring DD home only on Friday nights from my parents’. But nope, come Fridays, I am alone at my parents’ to bring DD home and when I reach home, it was just DD and me, until the wee hours of the morning. His reason, it is Fri, end of work week, go for drinks to unwind. Saturdays, golf day, his only passion, after golf, hang around for a drink with golf kakis, diff from weekday drink kakis. On Sunday, he’s a walking zombie. DS came along and it was still like that.

That was my life then. I called, I reasoned, I requested, I screamed. In the end, I went on strike. Since he did not treat it as a home and did not think that he has a part to play in upkeeping this home/family, he was just a tenant. I stopped doing his laundry and making his breakfast, stopped replenishing his toiletries, or cleaning up after him, I stopped calling him to see if he was coming back or if he was safe, etc. I stopped including him in my plans. Basically, I started living my life without bothering about his plans or schedule. I assumed that he will not be there.

When I started doing that, I felt sad but at least I was less angsty. There were no more tears. I guess when you adjust your expectations, you deal with disappointments better. I built a wall around myself so that I could stop hurting. I was able to function. Not ideal but at least our kiddos still had a daddy, well, when he decided to be around, and life was a tad more peaceful.

DH was not ready to change. At that point, I gave up on DH ever putting me or the family first. I stopped caring so much about DH so that I can give my kids a calmer environment. Makes sense? When I stopped caring so much, I was calmer, less bitter, less angry, more fun. Seriously, not ideal and very dysfunctional but that was how I made it through those years.

And weirdly, the more I withdrew from DH, the more he reached out. Maybe it was a matter of timing. By then he was in his late 30s and his career was kind of settling, actually a bit derailed then and he needed support. Unfortunately, my walls were too high and thick by then and I did not realise. DH had to use a battering ram and confront me head on about my detachment towards him and in the process, open up a dam of resentment. Once that was out in the open, we started to work towards mending our relationship.

Thinking back, would I have done things differently, I think not. How I handled the whole situation was very much me. If I had not withdrawn from DH, I think I would have been a manic mess emotionally. I took care of myself first, the way I know how. In doing so, I was able to see to the needs of our kids.

DH and I are doing fine now. It is constantly a work in progress but we have moved pass that sad lonely period.

For those who are experiencing what I went through, way I see it, you can hope that your guy will see light soon. In the mean time, take care of yourselves. So that when your guy’s eyes finally open, he will see the same you or even an improved you instead of a shadow of who you were when you first met. Or if you think that your guy will never change but you do not want your kids to have divorced parents, again take care of yourselves so that you can be a pillar of strength for them. Whatever your decision in a situation like this, take care of yourself first.

[Eagle-Ladybird]

Hi applecrisp,


Do you know the people that he hangs out with ? If you do, then you should roughly have a gauge whether he’s with good company or otherwise.

And if you know those people, better still. Befriend them and keep a communication channel with them - you will find out a lot from this channel if you play your cards right.

[Funz]

Eagle-Ladybird:

Hi applecrisp,


Do you know the people that he hangs out with ? If you do, then you should roughly have a gauge whether he's with good company or otherwise.

And if you know those people, better still. Befriend them and keep a communication channel with them - you will find out a lot from this channel if you play your cards right.

Not speaking for applecrisp but from when the time when I was going through something similar.

I knew most if not all the people that DH was hanging out with. We work in the same industry and many of these people were my business associates or some even colleagues or ex-colleagues. There were times when I failed to reach DH, I had to resort to calling some of these people whom he might be hanging out with. It was embarassing both for him and for me.

Point is not so much who he was hanging out with but him making the choice, time and again, to keep hanging out with these people to the point of neglecting the family. Makes no difference even if these are decent people just unwinding over some drinks.

[Chenonceau]

Funz:

Just hanging out with my kakis lah.

Must give face or no face if leave so early when all still there
Need to unwind after work, very stress
Business entertainment, no choice
Boss there no choice
This fellas b'day, promo, last day, etc
One last drink and I'll be home. 3hrs laters still not home

I've heard all these, I've gone through all these. Our house was beautifully renovated. Friends love to hang out at our place. Wine, liquor, coffee, tea, snacks, you name it we have it. Still he was out most nights. Then came DD, thought with DD along, he might find reasons to be home earlier and more so since we bring DD home only on Friday nights from my parents'. But nope, come Fridays, I am alone at my parents' to bring DD home and when I reach home, it was just DD and me, until the wee hours of the morning. His reason, it is Fri, end of work week, go for drinks to unwind. Saturdays, golf day, his only passion, after golf, hang around for a drink with golf kakis, diff from weekday drink kakis. On Sunday, he's a walking zombie. DS came along and it was still like that.

That was my life then. I called, I reasoned, I requested, I screamed. In the end, I went on strike. Since he did not treat it as a home and did not think that he has a part to play in upkeeping this home/family, he was just a tenant. I stopped doing his laundry and making his breakfast, stopped replenishing his toiletries, or cleaning up after him, I stopped calling him to see if he was coming back or if he was safe, etc. I stopped including him in my plans. Basically, I started living my life without bothering about his plans or schedule. I assumed that he will not be there.

When I started doing that, I felt sad but at least I was less angsty. There were no more tears. I guess when you adjust your expectations, you deal with disappointments better. I built a wall around myself so that I could stop hurting. I was able to function. Not ideal but at least our kiddos still had a daddy, well, when he decided to be around, and life was a tad more peaceful.

DH was not ready to change. At that point, I gave up on DH ever putting me or the family first. I stopped caring so much about DH so that I can give my kids a calmer environment. Makes sense? When I stopped caring so much, I was calmer, less bitter, less angry, more fun. Seriously, not ideal and very dysfunctional but that was how I made it through those years.

And weirdly, the more I withdrew from DH, the more he reached out. Maybe it was a matter of timing. By then he was in his late 30s and his career was kind of settling, actually a bit derailed then and he needed support. Unfortunately, my walls were too high and thick by then and I did not realise. DH had to use a battering ram and confront me head on about my detachment towards him and in the process, open up a dam of resentment. Once that was out in the open, we started to work towards mending our relationship.

Thinking back, would I have done things differently, I think not. How I handled the whole situation was very much me. If I had not withdrawn from DH, I think I would have been a manic mess emotionally. I took care of myself first, the way I know how. In doing so, I was able to see to the needs of our kids.

DH and I are doing fine now. It is constantly a work in progress but we have moved pass that sad lonely period.

For those who are experiencing what I went through, way I see it, you can hope that your guy will see light soon. In the mean time, take care of yourselves. So that when your guy's eyes finally open, he will see the same you or even an improved you instead of a shadow of who you were when you first met. Or if you think that your guy will never change but you do not want your kids to have divorced parents, again take care of yourselves so that you can be a pillar of strength for them. Whatever your decision in a situation like this, take care of yourself first.

Thank you for sharing. It was very very touching and I think very helpful to people who are going through this now.

You're an amazing person.

[3Boys]

Is the imprinting so poor for our boys that they behave in such a way towards their wives and children? My DW probably has more time out with her friends (every couple of months) than I do with my pals. When I am out for drinks it far more often with the wife than not.

[Chenonceau]

3Boys:

Is the imprinting so poor for our boys that they behave in such a way towards their wives and children? My DW probably has more time out with her friends (every couple of months) than I do with my pals. When I am out for drinks it far more often with the wife than not.

My husband and I are like that too. We entertain a great deal together. We hang out with each other a lot... and we never frequent night spots. It's not my habit and it has never been his. I am thankful for that.